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#121 of 185 Old 02-02-2006, 01:52 PM
 
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Jster,

I'm really liking the myspace guy I've been seeing, though I haven't known him long ... I can tell he's interested in what I say, but he never asks anything either. It bugs me, but I'm a talker, so I find that when I ask him a question, when he's done answering, I just relate to it. Or, volunteer information. He's not a "Hi, how was your day" kind of guy ... so I said this morning, "Oh, did I tell you about what a great day I had yesterday?"

Or I'll just say, "Tell me somethign interesting about yourself," and he'll think for aminute and answer, and if I can relate, I will. You could also try prefacing your question with a comment. "I always wished I had learned more Spanish in school, but I just never got around to it. What about you; do you speak any other languages?" Or something.
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#122 of 185 Old 02-05-2006, 06:21 PM
 
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I've just connected with another man (boy) it turns out that he is pretty immature and what really turned me off to him was the fact that he didn't know who Rumi was...and he graduated with a degree in philosophy (?)

He smokes (alot) misrepresented himself...told me he just smoked a little bit (which would've been OK with me as long as it wasn't around the DC)

I've just ended a marriage with a p*t smoker (heavy) among other things...and i found out last night that he partakes (only a little bit...he says...yeah right!)

Our intellectual differences are too great i believe, nothing against him but I really need a man who can at least spell

I guess this match.com thing is giving me the practice in boundaries and knowing what i want so i can narrow them down to just the qualified ones...i want someone who is open to another child (not that i will, but i want that option open)

I broke up with my last 'match' date over email...very frankly bc he was way too forward with me (in public to boot ) I am too old for that, i don't want people looking at me and thinking "get a room"

can you believe that he was a philosophy major yet doesn't know who Rumi was??? what's that all about?...plus , he doesn't read very much, so he could never read and appreciate the things i write (which is important to me)

Anyhooo, that's my week in the dating world.

Do you think i should break up with this new one through email (we are supposed to be having lunch tommorow)??? I think i don't need to be wasting my time with this one, he *is* cute and all, but looks don't make up for smarts ... WWYD?

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#123 of 185 Old 02-05-2006, 07:36 PM
 
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Kelly, if you feel like this guy is a waste of time, I wouldn't waste time meeting with him to tell him that And it's kinda easier to end things via email...at least that's my suggestion.

Misrepresentation and immaturity are definitely things I'm screening for at this point, to the extent it's possible.

Good luck!
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#124 of 185 Old 02-05-2006, 07:51 PM
 
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I agree with Jennifer...not worth the time & effort.
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#125 of 185 Old 02-05-2006, 08:02 PM
 
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Next!!!

Move along. Even if you spend the lunch with him you will be taking time and energy that could be spent meeting Mr. Right (or at least Mr. Interesting).
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#126 of 185 Old 02-05-2006, 08:13 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MsChatsAlot
Next!!!

Move along. Even if you spend the lunch with him you will be taking time and energy that could be spent meeting Mr. Right (or at least Mr. Interesting).
Or time you could be spending hanging out with your own cool self and a book or a notebook!
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#127 of 185 Old 02-06-2006, 12:14 AM
 
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Originally Posted by morgainesmama
Or time you could be spending hanging out with your own cool self and a book or a notebook!

You're right mamas, it's just not worth my time. To me, now dating is about setting boundaries and becoming stronger. I need to be that for my DC.

I actually sent him an email, i guess it wasn't direct enough bc he still thinks we're meeting for lunch. It's time to become 'the poison dart'

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#128 of 185 Old 02-06-2006, 01:23 AM
 
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Kelly, glad you came to a decision...and a poison dart sounds like just what you need to send any negative vibes away! Hey, at least you've eliminated one more potential, right

Update: Can I just say I'm pretty excited about the guy I'm emailing right now? We just had our first phone conversation and wow! he's a REAL DAD!! He's got primary custody of his son, the mom's pretty much a flake who didn't grow up after the baby was born (he says he spent most of his son's first year just staying home with the baby every night while the mom was out sometimes till 4am). But he really puts his son first, just makes good choices and really seems to value him. So exciting! That's one of my biggest worries/issues with dating...is this person really the parenting type? We'll be meeting for lunch next week and I'm looking forward to it. Oh, FWIW I met this guy through eharmony...so who knows, maybe there are some gems in that system as well!
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#129 of 185 Old 02-06-2006, 08:48 AM
 
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Jster, that is so exciting...I hope it all works out. I love to hear about dads that put their DC first, let us know how it goes

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#130 of 185 Old 02-08-2006, 08:03 AM
 
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Ok, I have an update too... You guys might remember that I met a guy through eHarmony and fell head over heels in love? Well, he feels the same for me. We both feel that we are the ones for each other and we have been taking mariage since the first date. Well yesterday, after one month of dating, he asked me to marry him. I said yes (I really could not have said anything different). I know most people will think it is crazy, but I know it is not, and Chuck feels the same. We feel like we have known each other for years, and we both know that we don't want to wait because we feel like there is nothing to wait for. I don't want to hijack the thread, but I do want to say that I have learned that you should not settle for less than what it is you really want. Also, I am HIGHLY recommending eHarmony - all those stories about people falling in love through them really do happen. If you do try it, the process may take a long time (It was 1 year for me and longer for him) - he lived just outside of the 30 mile radius I had picked to receive matches from, so we didn't get matched until I changed my settings.

I will post the story of my engagement later if you guys would like. Do you think it is appropriate to post here, or is there a better place? I know not everyone is in a place in their life where they want to read about someone getting engaged. I'm not sure I would have wanted to a few months ago...

Good luck and
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#131 of 185 Old 02-08-2006, 09:24 AM
 
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Kelsi, That is *great* Congratulations. Maybe I will try eharmony after all. Did it take a year bc of the search radius? Did he give you a ring and all of the trimmings? Definately post the details here, I'm sure we're all interested.

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#132 of 185 Old 02-08-2006, 11:44 AM
 
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Congrats!
You are more than welcome to post about your engagement here. I think for many it gives hope that they really will meet someone and fall in love again. I also think it's important for those of us who are on this journey to know where each other is at and what is happening.

I wish you love and happiness for a lifetime together.
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#133 of 185 Old 02-08-2006, 11:48 AM
 
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Congrats Kelsi! Glad to hear eharmony worked out for you as well!

I was talking with W from eharmony last night, and mentioned I'm still breastfeeding my almost 2yo. His response, "Wow, that's wonderful that you are doing that for your daughter!" Makes me feel good...this one might really turn out nice, he's so respectful, is laughing and happy every time I talk to him, just seems so easygoing, realistic, and considerate. We're meeting next Monday for lunch...hope it goes well...
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#134 of 185 Old 02-08-2006, 12:16 PM
 
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Kelsi I think it's great to hear your story I'm just lurking here not finished getting divorced yet.
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#135 of 185 Old 02-08-2006, 01:21 PM
 
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I have an issue. I started talking to a guy online (not a dating site, but an online gaming thing) and he seems nice. After talking for a few weeks, one night it got a little... uh... hot. Two years of celibacy for him, over three for me... it was bound to happen.
Anyway, he lives a good 600 miles away from me, has three kids with his exwife, etc. He sent me a picture, not bad... nothing to drool over, but okay. Since that night, he's been sending me at least one email every day, talking about when we meet, what would I like for Valentine's Day and on and on... and he sent me another picture.

Now, how do I say this without sounding like a snob?? I'm an intelligent woman and I've learned through past mistakes that I cannot have a working relationship with a man who is not on a similar level of intelligence (tried it and it always fails because I like to read and they hate to read or they feel subpar even though I don't make it an issue - it's just because I speak differently, etc, then they do - perhaps it is just my area, I don't know!). This guy is definitely not even near my level. (Goddess, that sounds sooooo snobbish! But I really don't mean it that way....)
He works as a manager in a Wal-Mart. I think he lives with his parents... not sure though. He doesn't really get along with his parents (which is a BIG red flag for me with men) and he is about 7 years younger then I am.

Now, in his defense, I find myself doing this whenever a guy gets close to me (ever since my separation) - I push them away.
The second picture he sent me just really envoked a negative reaction from me - he looked like a pin head, just really unattractive and I almost deleted it immediately, but I forced myself to look at it again and admit that it really wasn't that bad - that he's a decent looking man and while it isn't a good picture of him, it's my almost subconscious rejection that made it appear so bad.

I don't know why I do this - I'm well over my stbx (three years and counting) and there is no one else and I really miss the physical relationship (hence the "hot" talk night), so what the hell is my subconscious doing?!?

No, he isn't the perfect guy, but he's 600 miles away - what harm could a little flirting do? I find myself avoiding him like the plague! It's not like I'd be committing myself to a "relationship" with him, either... or is it that my sensors are going off and that he is bad news? (Got to admit, the email thing is a bit stalker-ish...)

Anyway, I figured I'd put this out there and see what strikes you.

(BTW, after the email about "when we meet" I told him that wasn't realistic - I'm tied to this area and he to his (he has 50/50 custody he says) and that I really don't have time to spend pondering "fantasy meetings" (he had it all written out about what he'd do and what I'd do and on and on...). He said he understood... then asked if he could still talk dirty to me...(kind of joking, but not entirely) and then went on to ask what town I lived in, etc... then retracted it, admitting he knew he'd crossed the line in asking that and he's still sending me emails asking what I want for Valentine's Day (I don't feel comfortable accepting anything from him, tbh)). Okay, enough rambling!
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#136 of 185 Old 02-08-2006, 01:24 PM
 
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Kelsi,

Wow. I wish you the best momma, but, just, wow. After one month? I really, truly wish you the best, I just don't think its possible to know someone after a month. I just personally believe, especially when chilcren are involved, that way more time is needed. I know you are a grown woman and all.. I so don't want to be the pooh-pooher here, but how do you know you are truly compatible with someone after a month? I guess nobody ever knows for sure, but a month? Because no matter how much and deeply you've discussed your pasts, your beliefs, your thoughts of the future, talk is very different than how you live your lives. Obviously you must really dig each other and I think that's awesome. Just some things to think about and maybe ask of yourself: Have you gone through any high stress situations together? Like money problems? Health crisesses? Job stress? Do you know how this man responds to life's stresses? Do you know how he responds to you when you're ill or very stressed? Or how he behaves when he is ill or experiencing prolonged stress? Have you met the bulk of his friends and family? Are they generally stable and healthy people (which is not to say their aren't great people out there from really messed up families.. you can't chose your family. You do chose your friends though and they are a HUGE reflection of you)? Are there things about him that you are intensely drawn to? You know that addage about the things that draw us to a person are often, ultimately, the very same things that drive you apart? Like spontaneity becomes irresponsibilty, attentive and affectionate becomes clingy and stifling, or responsible becomes controlling.. I am not saying that everything we love ealry on about our partners will eventually morphe into a negative... but time is what tells us.
I've been with my SO for a year and a half and knew him for six years prior to that. We are both extremely intelligent, present, loving people who communicate well and we are still learning new things about how the other operates (mostly good, but not all) and how to communicate best with each other. We spend entire weekends with each other and our respective kids and we are still trying to navigate what it entails and means for us to all be under the same roof together even for short periods of time. I am not trying to project my own experience onto you, but I will say, in general, every single marraige I've known that was a result of a very short relationship/engagement was pretty disasterous. It takes so long to really, really know someone.. not just time, but time to see that person in action in all different capacities.. like I said: sick, stressed, angry (at you or anybody else), tired, etc.. I hope this works out for you and I wish you again and again the best of luck.. I just hope you have all the information you truly need to make this kind of decision, especially where children are involved.
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#137 of 185 Old 02-08-2006, 01:27 PM
 
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lol.. well, I've found that I am very approachable by married men... WTF is up with that?!?!
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#138 of 185 Old 02-08-2006, 01:38 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by StephandOwen
Got you beat I left DS's dad Thanksgiving 2003 and haven't been on a single date since. How sad am I?!?

December 27th, 2002.

That's all I have to say.
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#139 of 185 Old 02-08-2006, 01:40 PM
 
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Wow... congrats... I don't want to be a wet blanket, but the story of how I met my ex is almost exactly the same... We met online, started talking marriage right away, and he proposed to me 2 months after we met. Biggest mistake of my life. I should have dated him a LOT longer, because he turned out to be a very abusive controlling person (something that did NOT show up at ALL in the first few months), and in addition he was a really practiced con man. Said all the right things, and we had the perfect chemistry... seemed too good to be true... and it was... but we were madly in love, and couldn't wait to get married... After 5 years of pure hell, I can say I'm happily single again. I just want to caution you to take some time to really get to know him on a more personal level before jumping into marriage. Not that I would have listened to someone telling me that when I met and fell in love with my ex... But just had to give my two cents... LOL

April
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#140 of 185 Old 02-08-2006, 01:45 PM
 
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Raynbow, sounds like this guy is pretty desperate and not very good at respecting boundaries. Since you don't feel very comfortable with him at this point, I would try to disentangle and re-establish your boundaries...or just let him go entirely. While some hot talk might be fun, it's like flirting...you aren't commited just because you did it once (or even a few times). And if he thinks that it's connected you two, then I'd stay away...

Kelsi/Shonahsmom...I guess I also had some concerns I didn't express, not wanting to burst bubbles, but since Shonahsmom so eloquently broke the ice I'd also suggest that, though you guys are really happy and commited to one another, you give yourself some more time (perhaps a long engagement). There's no particular benefit to rushing, right? But especially since you have a young child, it seems it'd be good to learn more about this guy first. Sometimes people present themselves very well and it takes awhile to really "know" them. To know there history (and not just from their perspective), to know their values, etc. To make sure there aren't any games, or that Chuck is truly a healthy person. But I give you credit for a year of dating and eliminating lots of lost causes...And, if you really want to rush ahead, I'd just suggest some pre-marital counseling to raise important issues you might not be seeing. With my ex, we had one appt of pre-marital counseling, and it was really clear (though I didn't admit it to myself at the time) that our values were different and priorities in different places, and that he was more interested in blaming the difficulties we'd encountered on me than on overcoming them or taking responsibility for his own challenges. So if we'd done more, it might have been really helpful. But still, congratulations on being so happy and feeling so good and blessings to you for a happy future!
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#141 of 185 Old 02-08-2006, 01:55 PM
 
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Oh, Kelsi...I just followed your link in the signature, and noticed that Chuck has an identity here on Mothering...does he check it often?
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#142 of 185 Old 02-08-2006, 02:15 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Raynbow

Now, how do I say this without sounding like a snob?? I'm an intelligent woman and I've learned through past mistakes that I cannot have a working relationship with a man who is not on a similar level of intelligence (tried it and it always fails because I like to read and they hate to read or they feel subpar even though I don't make it an issue - it's just because I speak differently, etc, then they do - perhaps it is just my area, I don't know!). This guy is definitely not even near my level. (Goddess, that sounds sooooo snobbish! But I really don't mean it that way....)
He works as a manager in a Wal-Mart. I think he lives with his parents... not sure though. He doesn't really get along with his parents (which is a BIG red flag for me with men) and he is about 7 years younger then I am.

Raynbow, That sounds exactly like the guy I met on match...younger than me, cute, but when I asked him what was the last book he read, he couldn't remember...uuuhhhh

I think it is *very* important to be on the same intellectual level. You did not sound snobby, I would say the same thing. I like to talk about things that he is baffled about...I'm stymied, he doesn't even go to movies much less rent foreign films (OK, now I'm sounding snobby...I'll stop) He says 'dude ' and 'chick' alot and sounds like a heavy p*t smoker though he says he only partakes occasionally (yeah right)

Oh, and he lives with his parents (temporarily...we'll see)

Needless to say, I'm not seeing him anymore.

Follow your instinct, block his emails, it's not like you run into him IRL.

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#143 of 185 Old 02-08-2006, 02:21 PM
 
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Raynbow, I also whole heartedly agree with Beloved. One of the reasons I am so head over heels over my SO is that not only does he read, but he'll read the same books I read. He also loves foreign and indie films and documentaries. I cannot believe what a difference it makes in compatability to have someone on the same level intellectually who is stimulated by similiar things. It does not make you a snob in any way!
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#144 of 185 Old 02-08-2006, 02:22 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Jster
Raynbow, sounds like this guy is pretty desperate and not very good at respecting boundaries. Since you don't feel very comfortable with him at this point, I would try to disentangle and re-establish your boundaries...or just let him go entirely. While some hot talk might be fun, it's like flirting...you aren't commited just because you did it once (or even a few times). And if he thinks that it's connected you two, then I'd stay away...
It was just once... and while it was fun, I really didn't plan on it making him feel like we were in a relationship! And he obviously does have some ideas that way - he asked what I wanted to Valentine's Day, since I'm "the closest thing (he) has to a woman" - huh?!?!
You are right - he is coming on as desperate and I think that is freaking me out a bit. He's very young, even for his age, and I just think he is spending FAR too much time imagining what "could be", IYKWIM? I can honestly picture him spending hours every day fantasizing about us together (he's pretty much admitted that he does this) and while I don't want to be rude or hurt him, I'm not even sure I want a relationship with him (pretty sure I don't after this) no less ready to go there!

He even gave me his cell phone # to call him when I'm ready ... I don't think I will ever be! Thank you for validating my instincts - I just wanted to make sure it was just me "playing it safe" or nitpicking.
Quite honestly, I think I may be so hesitant because I've chosen the wrong men three times now to marry - men who played "Mr. Perfect" very well until the wedding was over and then everything went downhill - so I do find myself wondering if the men I'm attracted to are just faking it or pretending to be someone they aren't. I keep thinking that when I find the right guy, I will know it - just know it instinctually. Perhaps I will, but damn, I wish he'd hurry!
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#145 of 185 Old 02-08-2006, 02:43 PM
 
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Originally Posted by BelovedK
Raynbow, That sounds exactly like the guy I met on match...younger than me, cute, but when I asked him what was the last book he read, he couldn't remember...uuuhhhh

I think it is *very* important to be on the same intellectual level. You did not sound snobby, I would say the same thing. I like to talk about things that he is baffled about...I'm stymied, he doesn't even go to movies much less rent foreign films (OK, now I'm sounding snobby...I'll stop) He says 'dude ' and 'chick' alot and sounds like a heavy p*t smoker though he says he only partakes occasionally (yeah right)

Oh, and he lives with his parents (temporarily...we'll see)

Needless to say, I'm not seeing him anymore.

Follow your instinct, block his emails, it's not like you run into him IRL.
Thanks, I think I will just tell him that I simply don't have time for this right now and that I'm just dealing with too much *IN REAL LIFE* to carry on a relationship with him. Hopefully, he will back off - if he doesn't then I will block his emails, etc.

I'm glad you understood my point about the intelligence thing - to expand from there, I can't help but think that he's a manager at Wal-Mart - and he has three kids (pays CS despite claiming to have them 50/50 - its possible, but who knows). Not exactly a successful career or even one with a lot of room to climb on the ladder of success - and while a guy making a lot of money isn't that important, I do want someone who is financially secure and more importantly, someone who is HAPPY with his career.
I spent the four years of my last marriage basically supporting my stbxH as he jumped from low paying, manual labor job to the same (until he went back in the army and became a recruiter - 8 months later he walked out the door). I have no desire to do that again. Ever. He was miserable in the sh*t jobs, but had no education to do anything more - and, as I learned far too late, resented the hell out of me being the family breadwinner (one of his many deeply submerged personality flaws that he hid completely until the day he walked out and then slammed me with all the things I did "wrong" that bothered him but he never talked to me about).
I don't care if the guy doesn't make a lot of money - as long as he is not treading water financially and the next wave is going to put him under - as long as he is stable and is HAPPY doing what he does or is working towards a goal that will result in him being financially stable and happy (and realistically working towards it - not just "Well, some day I wanna be a...").

The whole not really getting along with his parents thing is a biggie for me. Now, I understand that some parents are true idiots, but usually (not always!!) people who come from severely dysfunctional parents don't get past the issues stemming from that without some serious therapy, so guys who say that they hate or dislike their parents - especially their mothers - just set off serious alarms in my head. My exH had issues with his mother and I really believe that the conflict between them contributed to his utter lack of responsibility and inability to deal with being a father and husband. I've seen (IME) that men who don't respect their mothers don't respect their gfs/wives either. Thanks for letting me vent...
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#146 of 185 Old 02-08-2006, 02:47 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Shonahsmom
Raynbow, I also whole heartedly agree with Beloved. One of the reasons I am so head over heels over my SO is that not only does he read, but he'll read the same books I read. He also loves foreign and indie films and documentaries. I cannot believe what a difference it makes in compatability to have someone on the same level intellectually who is stimulated by similiar things. It does not make you a snob in any way!

I dream of a hot man with a brain... !
I met one... local... unfortunately (for me), he's gay.

I love him anyway! But as a friend...
Maybe that's why other men don't stand a chance...
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#147 of 185 Old 02-08-2006, 02:53 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Raynbow
I dream of a hot man with a brain... !



That would make a great sig line.
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#148 of 185 Old 02-08-2006, 03:13 PM
 
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Hey mamas:

I was a frequent poster on the single parenting forum until my relationship with my now DH began turning towards marriage. I remember many of you and it looks like you are all doing a terrific job of taking care of you and the kiddos first before including a man in the mix. Now that I can look back on my dating experiences as a single mom from the other side of the fence, I see so many mistakes that I made.... letting my time and activities be defined by the person I was dating, not asserting myself enough, shoving my feelings under the rug for the sake of harmony etc. It was when I finally decided that I'd had enough and wanted to be alone until the right one came along that I met Stephen. Things have moved pretty quickly for us, in part because we are right for each other, but also because of an unexpected NFP failure that resulted in boy #3, due June 2006 . I have to second all of what I am seeing here as far as dating advice goes...

*trust your instincts
*place high value on your free time
*wait for a man who is your intellectual equal and with whom you have a lot in common
*allow the relationship to develop at it's own pace

Most of all, I wish you much love and luck as you navigate the dating waters. This can be a frustrating experience, and yet fun at the same time.

Take care,

Tabitha ~ devoted wife to my best friend Stephen ribbonyellow.gif and gentle Christian mom to six DSs: notes.gif E - 2/09/00REPlaySkateboard04HL.gifA - 3/05/03superhero.gifA- 6/05/06 guitar.gif H- 2/07/08 jog.gif J - 11/14/10 bouncy.gif T - 8/23/12 + stork-suprise.gif due 9/20/14!  brokenheart.gif DD Janae 10/19/09 angel2.gif
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#149 of 185 Old 02-08-2006, 03:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Kelsi congrats! I agree that you should consider a long engagement, the "honeymoon phase" can last a year and once it ends then you really can tell what kind of person your partner is. I'm not suggesting he's bad, I'm just suggesting that you may be blinded by love and feelings of happiness right now. It's hard to see the WHOLE picture when you have all of these emotions flowing.

I've been dating my BF for a year now and the honeymoon phase is certainly over. I was having thoughts about marriage for the first 6 months or so that we were dating and now I'm starting to see some big issues arising. I'm glad that I didn't make any fast decisions.

I'm not trying to rain on your parade, just trying to warn you. If you both are truly in love, there is no need to rush to marriage, just enjoy each other and take the time to really get to know everything about each other.

Zen doula-mama to my spirited DS1 (2/03), my CHD (TAPVR) warrior DS2 (6/07) & a gentle baby girl (8/09)
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#150 of 185 Old 02-08-2006, 05:21 PM
 
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Kelsi -- congrats! I agree with others that it may be wise to tread slowly, but it's wonderful that you have found such a deep connection with someone. Especially with children though I think it's so important to be doubly sure, as there are so many more hearts involved with little ones.




Also wanted to add a little food for thought ... I'm (snobby-braggy) an intelligent woman, was in the honors program at college and yadda yadda, but now that I have three tiny ones and an online business and am homeschooling and to top it all off am single, well .... TBH I stopped doing much reading, let alone movie-watching, a few years ago. Pretty much all my reading has been mama-related or divorce-related etc. Just to say that even a man/woman who's not well-read can still be witty and intelligent -- just had to say so.



I am going out with my myspace friend tonight again. I enjoy his company a lot, and my little neuroticisms haven't managed to scare him off yet. I've realized that I think I'm trying to scare him off ... I'm finding that my marriage/divorce left me with more wounds and scars then I've realized, and considered calling things off altogether, but I've taken a year to myself to grow a lot, and I think the only way to learn to trust is to try it. And this guy has realllly good boundaries, is respectful and thoughtful, and I think he might be the right guy to start with. When I ask questions he's honest and won't always give me the answer I want, but is thoughtful and considerate and very kindhearted, and at least as into me as I am into him.

Like I said, though, I'm realizing how much baggage my ex left me with ... it makes me REALLY angry. I'm starting to process that slowly, taking inventory of the damage, and realizing that there's a lot I won't see until I'm tripping over it.

But it's fun ... I'm enjoying it a lot ....
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