moving out of state...exes will fight (a bit long) - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 6 Old 01-20-2006, 02:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hey everyone.

I'm curious about your stories of moving if you have them. Last year, I did a local and out of state job search. Nothing local appeared, but I petitioned the court to move out of state because I was offered a teaching job at a wonderful little school in NM. Well, after much ado, I ended up dropping the petition because my father was diagnosed with cancer and died after three months (after being expected to recover initially). It was a storm of grief, and that is another story, but I simply did not feel like I could uproot my family in the aftermath of that. We're still grieving the loss in waves.

Well, again, it does not seem like local jobs are going to appear this year either. I have suffered financially this year working only part time. I'm buried in bills. I have been denied for the full time jobs that appeared in my field because of a limited and competitive market. Things are tight here. I decided that the NM job was not enough money considering my student loan repayment (ouch), so I will not seek that job again even if a possibility, though I loved the place and could see my family thriving there. I'm a holistic educator with a somewhat specific focus. Just finished my MA. There are many more opportunities for me in the Pacific Northwest area and northern CA, and it seems likely that is where I will get an offer...possibly even BC Ca. There are many advantages for my family if so, but...

The fathers of my children will fight me. They won't co-operate...they don't even co-operate on little things...nothing actually. It's been the darkness of our lives for several years and the details are very, very, ugly...I will spare you. Both exes are "court happy" because they can't get to me with violence directly anymore and they refuse to reach agreements with me directly (god forbid they can't control everything I do), so...b.s. and lies with the courts becomes the *stage* for thier dysfunction, unfortunately. Yes, they buddy up and join forces. Fortunately, I do have custody of both of the kids. The visitation situations are different, but there is somewhat limited contact in one situation and very limited contact in another...a history of abuse in both situations.

I have already been assured by lawyers that I have the legal right to move out of state and that it would be near impossible for either ex to prevent it. The worse case scenarios they have stated are losing child support altogether (because exes will exaggerate travel costs for visitation...but whatever...) and possible long intensive visits on holidays that the kids are nowhere ready for (my 9 y.o. would not be okay about flying alone...he cannot presently handle even more than one overnight with his dad).

I would like to hear anyone's experiences of moving out of state when the ex/ exes fought you on it, and how the whole thing has been for you and your family. I'm trying to be as wise as possible should this come to pass for us, as I think it will. Thanks in advance!

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#2 of 6 Old 01-21-2006, 11:51 AM
 
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Just wanted to chime in with some good luck vibes! It sounds like you're in a pretty good/realistic position to get the court's to approve your move...but the long visits are definitely something to be concerned with.

I moved before we filed, so the court's weren't involved in approving. But it is really hard because I have to send my kids off for a week here and a week there, which is such a long time for a little, breastfeeding girl! She's handling it pretty well (hasn't actually had her first full week visit, the first will be in March starting on her 2nd birthday ) But I would definitely try to figure out how to make that safe and healthy for your kids. And also plan on having to pay half of all the travel expenses, which is really, really expensive (honestly takes a huge chunk of my meagre, pathetic child support).
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#3 of 6 Old 01-21-2006, 05:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm wondering what would happen if I tried to mediate with the fathers pre-court and offer to just give up child support all together and agree on the schedule...but I'm probably dreaming. They are nightmares walking. It's all about THEM and THIER RIGHTS and not the children.

I'm legitimately concerned about long visits and the travel because, even my 9 yo, cannot do more than one overnight right now without developing a lot of anxiety that interferes with his regular healthy living. He's very sensitive and his father and I have polar opposite lifestyles, plus dad has an abusive streak that rears it's ugly head now and then. I will definitely break down and get him a cell phone with my number and other pertinent ones speed dialed because his dad doesn't let him call me. It's that concerning, and legitimately so.

Thank you for the good luck. We will need it. I'm curious if your paying half of the travel was determined using your income? Or was it just assumed that you will have to find a way to afford it?

Thanks again.

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#4 of 6 Old 01-21-2006, 07:52 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by browneyedgirl
I'm curious if your paying half of the travel was determined using your income? Or was it just assumed that you will have to find a way to afford it?
I posted on your other thread about this, but I wanted to answer this question. My DH's ex moved away and she had to pay half of the travel expenses each month and it was NOT based on income. The judge basically said, "You want to move and I'm letting you, so you, in turn, have to facilitate your child visiting his father. Figure out how to pay for it."
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#5 of 6 Old 01-23-2006, 03:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Wow, that is really harsh if you can't pay for it, but really need to move for a job. I did read your other thread, and it sounds like an entirely different situation, though.

Thanks for sharing your story.
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#6 of 6 Old 01-24-2006, 12:01 AM
 
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Good luck,I will have my own story soon,I am planning on moving out of the country to Holland for a year and half to study and to be with my new man who is also studying and working for his job there,then we will be back to the USA but I know my ex will give me a hard time,and I am wondering how to get around it,he is moving himself back to Texas and it wouldn't be like he will be seeing her ever really,he has low finanances or no finances to travel anyway.I just hope I can get permission to bring her,and was wondering also other's experiences.
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