father giving up parental rights- help! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 16 Old 04-14-2006, 12:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My Husband And I Have Been Together 4 Years, And Have An 18 Month Old Son Together. Last Year We Were Having Problems, And He Cheated. The Girl Said She Was Pregnantand That Was The Last We Ever Heard From Her. Well Almost A Year Later We Get Child Support Papers In The Mail. We Didn't Know A Baby Was Born Or Anything. He Went To The Child Support Officer And Requested A Dna Test, Because He Doesn't Think That It Is His. He Is Going To File A Motion To Reliquenish His Parental Rights. Can He Do That. The Child Support Officer Said He Could But That The Judge Would Have To Agree To It. What Evidence Does The Judge Look At. I Know There Is Single Parent Adoption, But Can The Mother Adopt Her From My Husband. My Husband Wants To File A Petition For Adoption, But Wants To Make Sure He Is Able To. We Are Going To Talk To A Lawyer Next Week, But I Would Like Some Other Opinions. My Husband Is Not A Bad Person, Every Body Makes Mistakes, And Leaving Him Would Of Been Taking The Easy Way Out. We Are Young, Only 21 And That Girl Lied About So Much Including Her Age. She Is Still A Minor. She Threatned To Have Some One Beat Up My Husband, And To Put Him In Jail If He Didn't Pay Her, Her Money. Can She Do That? And Isn't The Money For The Little Girl Not Her?
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#2 of 16 Old 04-14-2006, 12:42 PM
 
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Hi,

Just wanted to reply. My DH was with his girlfriend about 14 years ago and he had two children with her. She ended up leaving him for someone else and he gained custody of the two children.

To make a long story short, DH ended up giving up his rights.

DH told me that the only way he could give up his rights was if he actually took care of the kids ( being a single dad), in which he did. I'm not really sure if this is correct, but just what he had told me.

As of the child support, yes the money is supposed to go to the children. It is FOR the child. But you have to think of it this way. She needs the money to take care of the child, the child can't buy anything itself. So perhaps she is saying that she needs the money to take care of the child. I don't think she can send him to jail though. I know that my son's father didn't pay for a year and a half, and I think here in California, they can take what he owes out of the tax returns, take money out of their checks, and if they don't do either, they can stop their license so that it is illegal for them to drive???

Well, good luck,
Mary
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#3 of 16 Old 04-14-2006, 12:50 PM
 
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Here in Iowa, the judge will not grant a termination of parental rights unless the custodial parent has someone else who is ready to adopt the child. That way the child is not left monetarily bereft of things it is entitled to. Otherwise deadbeat fathers nation wide would be terminating their rights.

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#4 of 16 Old 04-14-2006, 12:57 PM
 
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I'm pretty sure he can't give up his parental rights until some other man will adopt them. I know a couple that broke up, and the mother has a new man who wants to adopt the child. The bio father can give up his rights in return for the new man adopting but he can't just give up his rights (or obligation to pay child support) without someone else adopting the child.

I don't know if it is like that in all states (or other countries) but that is how it works for the couple I know.

Unfortunately, in life, men have to be responsible. If a man has sex with a woman, she might get pregnant, if she does, he needs to take responsibility. It's a shame you are in this with him but he is responsible (assuming the DNA test shows he is the father).

I just feel so badly for the child. The child is innocent and deserves to have a good mother and a good father. The mother is very young and chances are, she'll have many obstacles to being a great mother to her child, especially with no help or relief from the child's father. That poor child has been rather short-changed. I hope that the mother really steps up to the plate and has family support to help her be a fabulous mother (as I believe a single mother can be a fabulous parent and all a child needs).

It would also be nice if your DH stepped up to the plate and became a wonderful father to his other child.
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#5 of 16 Old 04-14-2006, 01:01 PM
 
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Depending on how old she is, your husband could get in trouble for statuatory rape. I think if she was under 18 when the child was conceived and your husband was over 18 then he could be in trouble. Check with the laws of the state you live in. I think if they find the child is his then he should be obligated to pay child support, most judges would agree. Terminating your parental rights just to avoid paying child support will be frowned upon, it is like not owning up to your responsibility. Weather or not she is a liar, your husband still had sex with her and possibly created a baby with her. It is just as much HIS baby as it is hers (if he is found to be the father). Sorry if this comes off as being mean, but we have so many mamas here chasing after deadbeat dads and struggling to keep food on the table. I don't think it's fair that the father has a desision on weather or not he feels like paying support and being involved in his child's life. Everyone needs to think of the CHILD FIRST.

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#6 of 16 Old 04-14-2006, 01:08 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mimi_n_tre
Hi,

Just wanted to reply. My DH was with his girlfriend about 14 years ago and he had two children with her. She ended up leaving him for someone else and he ended up getting custody of the two children.

Needless to say, DH just ended up giving up his rights and letting his sister have the kids.

DH told me that the only way he could give up his rights was if he actually took care of the kids ( being a single dad), in which he did. I'm not really sure if this is correct, but just what he had told me.
That is really sad. I hope the kids are ok. I'm not sure if you realize, but they way you wrote this makes it sound like your DH only took custody of the kids so he could give them away and then terminate his parental rights. Especially since you say "needless to say....." I'm not trying to be mean but it sounds like a really awful thing that those kids had to go through, and it makes me sad. I couldn't imagine my ex fighting me for custody then just giving our DS away to someone else.

Zen doula-mama to my spirited DS1 (2/03), my CHD (TAPVR) warrior DS2 (6/07) & a gentle baby girl (8/09)
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#7 of 16 Old 04-14-2006, 01:28 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jilian
That is really sad. I hope the kids are ok.
I agree, that story sounded incredibly cold and depressing. I feel so bad for the kids and thank goodness for the wonderful sister of DH for loving those children like they were her own and taking them in. Did the father really give up his rights just to give the kids to his sister?

Is there some odd time equation here that wasn't described? Like, did this happen before mimi_n_tre was in the picture?

I'm hoping that this was just a case of unfortunate wording.
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#8 of 16 Old 04-14-2006, 01:37 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jilian
Depending on how old she is, your husband could get in trouble for statuatory rape. I think if she was under 18 when the child was conceived and your husband was over 18 then he could be in trouble. Check with the laws of the state you live in. I think if they find the child is his then he should be obligated to pay child support, most judges would agree. Terminating your parental rights just to avoid paying child support will be frowned upon, it is like not owning up to your responsibility. Weather or not she is a liar, your husband still had sex with her and possibly created a baby with her. It is just as much HIS baby as it is hers (if he is found to be the father). Sorry if this comes off as being mean, but we have so many mamas here chasing after deadbeat dads and struggling to keep food on the table. I don't think it's fair that the father has a desision on weather or not he feels like paying support and being involved in his child's life. Everyone needs to think of the CHILD FIRST.
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Amen, sistah! Even if she lied about everything, even if she is evil incarnate, if your DH is the father, he should not punish the child. If he has issues with HER, maybe you two could consider offering to take the baby... Just don't make this about hurting HER through an innocent child.

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#9 of 16 Old 04-14-2006, 02:27 PM
 
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dido for me.
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#10 of 16 Old 04-14-2006, 02:59 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RiverSky
It would also be nice if your DH stepped up to the plate and became a wonderful father to his other child.


I know this must be somewhat of an awkward situation for you, hurtandconfused, but I hope your dh (if he finds out the child is truly his) can be able to be a daddy to both his children. Keep in touch, and good luck.

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#11 of 16 Old 04-14-2006, 03:11 PM
 
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Yeah, sounds like your husband is up for statutory rape charges and will be paying child support for 18 years. And if he wants to do the right thing, he will pay it happily and be involved in his child's life. If I was ever involved with anyone with children from another relationship, regardless of how it happened, I would not tolerate him not being responsible. So if he decides he's done with you and your child, should he just terminate his rights so he doesn't have to pay child support?
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#12 of 16 Old 04-14-2006, 03:53 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Jster
So if he decides he's done with you and your child, should he just terminate his rights so he doesn't have to pay child support?
Good question.

I do totally empathize with hurtandconfused, just her username alone tells us so much. It kind of sucks for you to have to deal with your husband having cheated, have gotten past it in your relationship and then to have a constant, real and expensive reminder of his betrayal. You are very young so chances are, your DH is, too, and I'm guessing your family income probably isn't very high at this time and it will hurt to lose some of it to support his child. I totally understand all of that and I don't even know how I would have responded if all of that had happened to me at that age, I wasn't mature enough at that time to be a parent, so I commend you on trying your best to be one now.

It can be really helpful to look at the other side's point of view though. The other mother is very young, she does not have a husband to help support her and her baby, she is alone, and yes, I can totally understand and am glad that she decided to seek child support. That child deserves some extra money in his/her life to help give him/her the bare necessities of life. I doubt they are going to be living high off the hog over this one.

No one wishes this situation on their worst enemy and hopefully you don't feel that the posters in this thread are ganging up on you. We can just see the other side of the story from over here. :
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#13 of 16 Old 04-14-2006, 04:54 PM
 
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Just to add a tid bit: Statautory (sp?) rape laws vary from state to state. In Washington, the age of consent is 16. There cannot be more the three years between the minor and the person who is over 18. So, a 16 year old can be with a 19 year old but not with a 20 year old. My husband was 18 when got his then 15 almost 16 year old gf pregnant. She's now 19 and he is 22. We met when his son was 8 months old. She was angry and refused to let him see his son anymore. She was very toxic, and was into drugs, and he had his own legal problems, so we left her alone and took care of his stuff. Once we were done, there were child support papers in the mail.

You husband may not face charges of statuatory rape, but even if he gives up his parental rights, I am pretty sure that he still will have to pay child support unless another man adopts the child. This is because as a pp stated, children have the right to support from both parents, and it wouldn't be fair to the child. In Washington, you can't give up your parental rights unless both parent's rights are termitated, or unless another spouse adopts the children. You can choose not to exercise parental rights, but you can't termiate them or your obligation to pay child support unless the child is adopted out.

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#14 of 16 Old 04-14-2006, 05:36 PM
 
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Originally Posted by RiverSky
Good question.

I do totally empathize with hurtandconfused, just her username alone tells us so much. It kind of sucks for you to have to deal with your husband having cheated, have gotten past it in your relationship and then to have a constant, real and expensive reminder of his betrayal.

No one wishes this situation on their worst enemy and hopefully you don't feel that the posters in this thread are ganging up on you. We can just see the other side of the story from over here. :
I agree that it must be very hard for you. It was very big of you to look past his infidelity and try to work the marriage out. I would just hate to see a child neglected because of all the bad feelings about the infidelity. It is not the child's fault. It's hard for all of us single mamas to not feel upset about this type of situation because far too often we see our own children get left behind by their fathers and we are the ones left picking up the pieces and easing our child's pain. Personally, I always tend to side with whatever is in the child's best interest.

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#15 of 16 Old 04-14-2006, 08:56 PM
 
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I just wanted to say that here in MI, even if the father signs off parental rights, he is STILL responsible for child support UNTIL the child is adopted, IF the mother decides to have the child adopted by another man.
DD2's dad decided that he was gonna give up his rights so he could go back to his ex-wife, and forget about OUR baby, until he found this out. He is still not around, just technically still her father.
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#16 of 16 Old 04-17-2006, 02:06 PM
 
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Originally Posted by ExuberantDaffodil


I know this must be somewhat of an awkward situation for you, hurtandconfused, but I hope your dh (if he finds out the child is truly his) can be able to be a daddy to both his children. Keep in touch, and good luck.
Let me second that.

When I was first married to my older son's father and pregnant with said son, I learned that on my 21st birthday, my then fiance had sex with a 17 yr old friend who I'd taken in. They carried on this affair for about a month or so - while I was at work, etc.
He finally confessed because she learned she was pregnant. She wasn't sure if it was my then husband's or her bf, who'd gotten out of jail around the conception time.
Her daughter was born 3 short months after our son was born. I was hurt, betrayed, devestated and 21.
Instead of letting my anger and pain rule my actions, I took my husband and our son and went to visit my former friend and her newborn.
We had a nice, albeit tense visit - the culmination of which was her telling my husband (now ex) that she didn't CARE who the father was - she didn't want EITHER of them in her child's life - no CS, no contact, nothing.

It's been 12 years and she's been (as far as I know) true to her word. We've never heard from her again. I often wonder about the child... tbh, I worry that my son will come home with a new gf - and it will be her! (We live within 10 miles of each other and the kids are only 3 months apart).

I never could understand how my (now ex) husband could walk away from a child that was possibly his and never wonder... but he did. We split within four months, so I never pursued it with him, but I still think about the child to this day. I wish I had done more, but I am glad I carried myself with such honor and dignity.
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