Should this be causing me stress? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 9 Old 05-04-2006, 04:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My was-band and his wife have lived in Alaska since we divorced in 2002. Now they are moving back to Montana, about 3 hours away from us.

I have had the luxury of raising my kids my way for the last 4 years, and now I am wondering if this new development will change that. Will it be even harder to deal with my 12-year-old former daddy's boy? (Whenever he talks to or visits his dad, he's in a horrible temper for a while after the encounter.)

I think my worst fear is that my was-band might try to get custody, now that we'll be living in the same state again, and I would hate for my kids to be in a position where they felt they had to choose between their parents.

Any advice?

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#2 of 9 Old 05-04-2006, 09:21 PM
 
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Originally Posted by kathirynne
Any advice?
Quickly move to the other side of the country.....as far away as possible.
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#3 of 9 Old 05-04-2006, 09:53 PM
 
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Contact a lawyer and get some legal advice. Has he seen the kids recently? Do you have custody already established? I think that if he pursues visitation the court would be likely to give him some visitation, but they would likely start out small to give the kids a chance to get used to him (assuming they have not seen him in a while). If I were you I would not stress over it and do not call him or bring it up. He may not even be thinking about it. Wait until he tells you otherwise. It must be scary. Hang in there mama

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#4 of 9 Old 05-04-2006, 10:08 PM
 
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I agree with Jilian about contacting a lawyer & seeing what the options are. I'd also start looking a child psychiatrists/psychologists just as a backup if his visits are really that detrimental & you want to limit visitation.

btw - love the phrase 'was-band'
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#5 of 9 Old 05-04-2006, 10:19 PM
 
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I would just be prepared to expect the unexpected.

Wouldn't it be good if he wanted to spend time with the kids? It may be good for the kids to spend more time with him. Possibly some of the anger your 12 y.o. experiences has to do with feeling abandoned.

I would just be open to whatever is best for the kids. If he chooses not to see them, that will be hard, but you have already been dealing with that. If he wants to see the kids more, it could benefit everyone. It's very, very unlikely that a court would give him custody after being an absent parent for so long....but they would likely give him reasonable access and scheduled visitation.

It may be an adjustment and you may go through ups and downs for awhile, but be positive, focus on the kids and just wait and see what he does or does not do.
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#6 of 9 Old 05-04-2006, 11:22 PM
 
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How frustrating for dads that they are automatically assumed to be "absent" and/or uncaring parents.
It sounds like this dad may be moving closer to his kids so that he can be more active in their lives, but it shouldn't be assumed that he has not been active in their lives up to this point.
As for the advice to "move across the country," that would be a huge mistake on your part. Why would you not want your kids to be able to see their dad more often?
My husband and I live in a separate state from his children, BUT, they spend summers and holidays with us, we send them things, pay for extra-curricular activies, my husband is in contact with the kids' schools, etc, etc.
Just want to make a point that dads are not always the "bad guy" that their former spouses often make them out to be.
Don't assume that he's "coming to get custody," but it would seem that visitation plans might need to be re-done if he's going to be closer so that he can see the kids more.
Some good points made by MsChatsAlot. What is best for the kids is what is most important.
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#7 of 9 Old 05-05-2006, 01:53 AM
 
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Hi Mama unfortunately I have no advise just wanted to lend my support and let you know I grew up in Missoula and sure do miss it. It would make me nervous too if this was happening to me but maybe things will work out and your son will get to see his father a little more often and wasband won't try to interfere.
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#8 of 9 Old 05-05-2006, 01:17 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bu's mama
I agree with Jilian about contacting a lawyer & seeing what the options are. I'd also start looking a child psychiatrists/psychologists just as a backup if his visits are really that detrimental & you want to limit visitation.

btw - love the phrase 'was-band'
I couldn't agree more with all of this, right down to the "was-band" comment.

Having legal knowledge up front will ease you mind and have you more prepared for the what ifs that may follow. Good luck.
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#9 of 9 Old 05-05-2006, 06:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stepmom756
How frustrating for dads that they are automatically assumed to be "absent" and/or uncaring parents.
It sounds like this dad may be moving closer to his kids so that he can be more active in their lives, but it shouldn't be assumed that he has not been active in their lives up to this point....My husband and I live in a separate state from his children, BUT, they spend summers and holidays with us, we send them things, pay for extra-curricular activies, my husband is in contact with the kids' schools, etc, etc.
Just want to make a point that dads are not always the "bad guy" that their former spouses often make them out to be.
Don't assume that he's "coming to get custody," but it would seem that visitation plans might need to be re-done if he's going to be closer so that he can see the kids more....What is best for the kids is what is most important.
I'm sorry if I intimated that I thought he was a "bad guy". On the other hand, what kind of parent intentionally moves 3,000 miles away from his children, just because his former mistress/current wife wants to "live closer to her parents"? (Not exactly making his children a priority, now is he?) And how "active in their lives" can he be from that distance? The opposite of "absent" is "present", which he currently is not. Ergo, he is an absent parent. (BTW, he's moving closer to take a job managing a grocery store that his wife's brother is opening in Montana; I'm not sure moving closer to the kids is his main priority.)

P.S. The Parenting Plan was drafted when he still in Montana, so it already thoroughly covers visitation.

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