Let it begin - Mothering Forums

 
Thread Tools
#1 of 15 Old 05-12-2006, 06:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
abac's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,567
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
So dh moved out on Sunday after telling me that he doesn't love me anymoreand that he doesn't want to be around me. He says he will take ds for one full day and night every weekend and occasionally overnight during the week. So I just called him and asked him if he wants to watch ds tonight. He says, "No." I ask if he has plans (because he's already made plans to go to a party tomorrow night, so I know he won't be taking him tomorrow,) and he says, "No, I just want to be by myself." I ask him, "Will you please take him anyway? I want to go out." He says, "So do I." I say, "I thought you weren't going out?" He says, "Outside." Me: "What???" He says, "I don't want to have any obligations for the night. Can you ask someone else?" At this point I hang up.

WTF??? I really thought we were going to make an effort to make this an amicable split. I actually believed him when he said he would see ds regularly. He said he wanted to see him every day. This is the second day he hasn't seen or talked to him. I can't believe it's starting already. I kind of suspected this would happen, but not so soon. I thought he would put in a good effort for the first little while. He's only been gone 5 days. I have this feeling he said no just to spite me, just because I wanted to go out. I have been trying so hard to be nice and not to be spiteful and petty (because I really feel like being spiteful and petty.)

He had asked me if he could use the car (now my car) tomorrow to move some more of his stuff. I might have to be busy tomorrow. Grrrrrrrr.

End rant.
abac is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#2 of 15 Old 05-12-2006, 10:24 PM
 
Jilian's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Posts: 12,040
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm sorry mama. The beginning is the hardest. My ex used to do stuff like that in the beginning too, and sometimes still does. Don't force DS on him, if he wants to be a jerk and would rather go out than spend time with his child then let him. If you force him to take DS then he'll probably just resent it and not treat him so well. Do you have any friends or family close by that could take your DS while you get some time alone?? Try to rely on your ex as little as possible, that way he can't let you down.

Zen doula-mama to my spirited DS1 (2/03), my CHD (TAPVR) warrior DS2 (6/07) & a gentle baby girl (8/09)
Jilian is offline  
#3 of 15 Old 05-12-2006, 10:36 PM
 
Jster's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Gulf coast of Florida
Posts: 2,925
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Welcome, though it's not always easy to show up here, it's great to have a community of support!

I agree with Jilian, try to rely on your ex as little as possible. Mine was really unreliable as well, and though only sometimes it stemmed from spite, it still was frustrating any time I tried to plan something around him. Hopefully as time evens out he'll appreciate time with his son more. Is there any chance that he'd be more open to weekday nights, if that wouldn't interfere with your child's routine too much? That way maybe you could still get the time to yourself (albiet not as fun as weekend nights, but sometimes it's just the break you need!). Anyway, , and good luck!
Jster is offline  
 
#4 of 15 Old 05-12-2006, 11:11 PM
 
NB Mom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: New Brunswick
Posts: 321
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
That really sucks.
NB Mom is offline  
#5 of 15 Old 05-12-2006, 11:17 PM
 
bu's mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: LI, NY
Posts: 2,815
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
sorry he's being such a bonehead right now. Sorry I don't have anything more helpful to say.
bu's mama is offline  
#6 of 15 Old 05-13-2006, 12:17 AM
 
kat85's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: South
Posts: 491
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Sorry for you but get use to it that probably how he going to act for know on. Just found another outlet and a new male friend then that will get his attention quick.
kat85 is offline  
#7 of 15 Old 05-13-2006, 12:58 AM
 
trinity6232000's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Posts: 3,283
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Yeah I'm also in the "Try to rely on your ex as little as possible,
that way he can't let you down" camp. It's good advice in this
area, because it will drive you crazy if you try to figure out the
why's and how's of an ex's mind.
That said you said he only left 5 days ago. I am not trying to
make him to be a victim or looking to give your ex sympathy of
any kind, BUT even though he left the relationship he could still
be going threw a mourning period. Give him a little time before
you label him as a total jerk. Things might very well turn out
much better than you think.

-Janna, independent mother of dd, Ms. Mattie Sky born on my 25th birthday, 06*23*2000. My Mama Feb.21,1938-Sept.10,2006
trinity6232000 is offline  
#8 of 15 Old 05-13-2006, 03:15 AM
 
pranamama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Pacific NW
Posts: 5,004
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Sorry he's not doing what he said he would. I would definitely look around for other people to help out. my ex is the last person I would call.
pranamama is offline  
#9 of 15 Old 05-13-2006, 04:47 AM
 
Bad Mama Jama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Locale so Secret that I Don't Know
Posts: 4,876
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Sorry that this isn't going well for you. Welcome and you'll have an ear and a shoulder here.

Former dreads.gifwearing, treehugger.gifing, pole dancing, read.gifpushing, ribbonpurple.gifsurvivor & single mama extraordinaire to energy.gif.  

Now that's a mouthful!!!
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
  

 

Bad Mama Jama is offline  
#10 of 15 Old 05-13-2006, 10:37 AM
 
Lucy VanPelt's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 985
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Look at it this way: He's showing himself now. That way you don't have to be surprised later!

Sorry he's being an ass, but you're in good company here.

Besides, if he weren't an ass in some way, wouldn't you still be together?
Lucy VanPelt is offline  
#11 of 15 Old 05-13-2006, 10:51 AM
 
MsChatsAlot's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 4,962
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I know it's hard when we first split and expect that they will be super-involved with the kids and then it's such a disappointment and hurt when they don't.

Fortunately, my ex told me when he left that his life was now going to be 'all about him' and that he wasn't going to be tied down with obligations and such?!?!? Whatever.

I hardly ever rely on him. If I need/want to go out I have found friends and family who are willing to help. It makes it so much easier than waiting and being disappointed later. I also realized that for a long time, ex actually liked leaving me hanging because he felt he was 'winning' or 'punishing me' or something equally ridiculous.

The parent who leaves really does have the ability to just leave. They can go out anytime they want, make plans without even telling you, decide not to see the kids or take them or whatever. It sucks, but it is reality.

Hang in there. Hopefully his selfish stage won't last long and he will decide to commit to his kid again.
MsChatsAlot is offline  
#12 of 15 Old 05-13-2006, 10:57 AM
 
terpstation's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 46
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
my ex was/is totally the same way. What I had to do was get a set schedule and keep to it. He was responsible for certain days. We did it through email (so it was documented). When he didn't pull through (he was alwyas busy with his girlfriend, but came up with other reasons) I brought it to my laywer, I had to,, we had joint custody and he was paying no child support and had only seen my dd 5 days in a month:
I am sorry you are going through this. When I get down, I read the single mama thread and then I go hug my dd and I think of how lucky I am to have the extra time with her.
terpstation is offline  
#13 of 15 Old 05-13-2006, 11:59 AM
 
Lilacmoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Anonymous was a woman
Posts: 424
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I am so sorry that you are going thru this. I agree with the above sages, try to rely on him as little as possible. They seem to feel some kind of POWER over you if they can jerk your chain. Say yes, then no.. letting you down is a jab. It will only hurt him and his relationship with his ds..
Lilacmoon is offline  
#14 of 15 Old 05-13-2006, 12:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
abac's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,567
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucy VanPelt
Look at it this way: He's showing himself now. That way you don't have to be surprised later!
My mom just said the same thing to me this morning.

Dh called this morning and asked to use the car to move some more of his stuff. I really felt like saying no, but decided to try really hard not to be spiteful (and it's soooo hard not to be,) so I told him he could use it until 10:00. So when does he come back with the car???

Noon.:

By the time he came back, I was not feeling like being very nice. I told him to hurry up and get out of my house.

I don't know why I'm so dissappointed, I guess I was expecting more from him. Maybe it really is better that he's showing his true colors from the beginning. I'm starting to feel like I never really knew him. This is all such a big adjustment. Thanks to everyone for the support. I will try to take people's advice and not rely on him. It's very frustrating!!
abac is offline  
#15 of 15 Old 05-13-2006, 05:40 PM
 
freewitheft's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 167
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by abac
I'm starting to feel like I never really knew him.
(((hugs))) I know that feeling all too well. It was actually kind of frightening to me that I managed to pick a man capable of such anger, apathy, and self-centered behavior to procreate with. Good thing I'm tapped into my instincts now that I'm a mama - won't make that mistake again!
freewitheft is offline  
Reply


User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page



Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Online Users: 8,355

9 members and 8,346 guests
jamesmorrow , joandsarah77 , KangaRu , katelove , NaturallyKait , scaramouche131
Most users ever online was 449,755, 06-25-2014 at 12:21 PM.