I think my marriage is over - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 11 Old 08-30-2006, 12:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I think my marriage might be over. We’ve been working through some issues for a while now, but I just don’t know that it is working. I know that my husband is feeling the same way. I always thought that “irreconciliable differences” was a lame excuse for a divorce, but now I really understand it.

So, I guess I’m looking for support from you moms who’ve been there. How did you know when it was over? How old were your children (I have a 2 yr old and I’m pregnant with #2). How did you work things out like child visitation etc. What about money?

I have NO family in this country. I immigrated to marry this man. I know he’ll never let me go back home with our children, and I will never leave them here. Which means I’m stuck here. Is it even possible to think I can do this without a support system?

I’m terrified. I feel like a complete failure. I am embarrassed by what people will think when they see me, pregnant, and divorced / separated.

Should I just give up who I am to be the wife he wants, so that my children will have their father?

I don’t know where to turn.
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#2 of 11 Old 08-30-2006, 12:38 PM
 
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s to you.. I hope you get a lot of feedback/wisdom on this thread.
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#3 of 11 Old 08-30-2006, 12:48 PM
 
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Quote:
So, I guess I’m looking for support from you moms who’ve been there. How did you know when it was over?
for me it was knowing that my ex had no interest in leaving the woman he was having an affair with, that he was not willing to change any of his behavior, that he blamed everything on me. it was just that sense of knowing i think.

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How old were your children (I have a 2 yr old and I’m pregnant with #2). How did you work things out like child visitation etc. What about money?
my kids were 4 and 5 months old. fortunately for me, he was not terribly interested in the kids and i moved away for the first 6 months or so so he really didn't see them. when i came back he saw them off and on, it was never really a big issue for us. for money, i had to open a dayhome so that i could continue staying home. are you in the US? you could try applying for welfare and also you will get child support for your two kids. do this as soon as possible.

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I have NO family in this country. I immigrated to marry this man. I know he’ll never let me go back home with our children, and I will never leave them here. Which means I’m stuck here. Is it even possible to think I can do this without a support system?
do you even have one friend that you are close to? that really helps to have at least one really good friend. if you have no support, i think you could likely track down some sort of support groups. hopefully someone else will have ideas on this.
yes, it definitely is possible to do it without a support system. i wouldn't recommend it but it is possible


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I’m terrified. I feel like a complete failure. I am embarrassed by what people will think when they see me, pregnant, and divorced / separated.
your feelings are very normal i felt the same way too. it is much more difficult and painful for the person going through this. most outsiders really don't care, and actually many people are very understanding and thoughtful during this time. people who are judgemental towards you are people who do not deserve to be in your life anyway.

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Should I just give up who I am to be the wife he wants, so that my children will have their father?
well, only you can decide this ... but i think you know the answer to this question. would you recommend this advice to your own dd if she were in your shoes?
is counselling not an option?

Midwifery student , Mama to my 4 amazing kids. treehugger.gif

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#4 of 11 Old 08-30-2006, 01:28 PM
 
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I could not read this without giving you a big hug.
I separated from my husband twice. Once when I had a 20 month old and was 3 months pregnant, and the second time when I had an almost three year old and an 8 month old. While we were separated we worked out the money thing together. He wanted the children to be well taken care of no matter what. (It sounds like your husband loves his children too)After we addressed the main issues, I chose to stay married. We have been back together for 16 months now. I have to take it one day at a time. There are still many, many areas of difficulty for us, and I am not entirely convinced that he will not return to the same things later in our marriage. I have turned my focus to being a great mom, a friend to my hub and relying on God for my strength, security and identity.
I do understand what you are going thru. I just as easily could have chosen to divorce as stay. Feel free to pm me if you want.



Does your state have a WIC program? If so it seems you would qualify.

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#5 of 11 Old 08-30-2006, 02:53 PM
 
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i just wanted to give you a virtual hug. you'll make these important decisions one at a time and eventually things will be ok again. much love.
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#6 of 11 Old 08-30-2006, 03:11 PM
 
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When it is really over, I think there is a moment of clarity. I think you realize that you've done everything you can and you realize there is nothing more you can do. I know people go back and forth sometimes, usually because of the kids, but it seems like everyone reaches a point where it is just over and you know.

I was pregnant with #2 when our marriage ended. It was awkward to be pregnant and single, but most people were amazingly supportive.

As for support, you will need support. You will need to make friends, find groups, community, church, whatever it is that will work for you, but you will need times when you help.....we all do. And if it's not there, you will need to create it over time.

I am a firm believer that we all have the right to be who we are. We all have the right to be loved and in healthy, respectful relationships. Only you can decide how to have that in your life.

I wish you well. This is not an easy decision for a family to make and I wish you love, peace and support as you decide what is best for you and your family.
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#7 of 11 Old 08-30-2006, 03:29 PM
 
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I had just such a moment of clarity. I was in my early thirties with 3 very young children. I had a lawyer and I was on the road to divorce. We also had been to 6 months of marital counseling.

This past July, we celebrated 32 years of marriage. Our children are grown and gone. Last January we became grandparents for the first time. Our marriage is both happy and solid.

I guess, on the cusp of divorce, we decided to give it one more shot. It took more therapy and a couple of years of hard work but I can't tell you how much it was worth it.

I guess because of my and my DH's experience, I do feel it may be worth another try, but only you and your husband know if it is possible with the two of you.

I wish things work out for you the best way they can.

PS-I am a child of divorce with multiple divorces in my family.
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#8 of 11 Old 08-30-2006, 04:59 PM
 
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Can you do it alone, w/o family? Yes! I'm 200 miles from family and I manage just fine.

Should you try to save your marriage? Yes! Try everything you can to save your marriage because it is worth it. Should you lose who you are in the process? No! My X told me the other day that I was unwilling to take a "supportive role" to him. Meanwhile, HE AND I know that that was not the problem! He was a cheater from Day 1 and that led to the demise! Is you changing the real problem? Probably not.

I really hope you can work this out. My marriage hit rock bottom so I know how bad it can get. s
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#9 of 11 Old 09-02-2006, 04:29 PM
 
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Samjm,
I could've written this post. In fact I just checked in here looking for other posts similar to my situation because I didn't know just what to write.

I too immigrated to the states to marry my dh, we were pregnant at the time and I was scared to do it alone. I love Canada(where i am from) and was so sad to move from this fabulous place to the states, which I am not so fond of. But I wanted my dc to have the best possible life I could give her which at the time meant with her dad.

Skip to now...three years later. We are miserable, we don't have very many commonalities, we have been in marrriage councelling since the beginning of the summer. I am in canada visiting my family and don't want to go back. I am afraid for my dd and her r'ship with her dad if we split up, for myself and where I would live, what I would do, and ashamedly what people will think of me if I do what's in my heart.

So I really have no advice to offer, not trying to hijack your thread, just wanting to share a hug with you and listen in to any suggestions you recieve.

earth honouring, tree hugging, yogi mamma to dd - my forest faerie (Feb/04) and ds - our new little bean born peacefully at home (01/02/11)
 
 
 
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#10 of 11 Old 09-03-2006, 03:06 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MsChatsAlot
When it is really over, I think there is a moment of clarity. I think you realize that you've done everything you can and you realize there is nothing more you can do. I know people go back and forth sometimes, usually because of the kids, but it seems like everyone reaches a point where it is just over and you know.

Very well put.

I too waffled for years over the decision. I thought about it near constantly for nearly 5 years. And yes, it was because of the kids and the hope that he would pull himself together.
But finally making the decision just came to me. And I knew it was what HAD to happen. And the more I live with it, the more I know it has to happen. And I'm finding it very, very tough to stick around until spring (the agreed apon date of divorce/move).

I have decided to return to my country and he understands that is what's best for the kids too.
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#11 of 11 Old 09-03-2006, 10:32 PM
 
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I am where you are right now. Separated, mother of a three-year old and pregnant with baby #2. It sucks! And even though I live in my hometown and have family close, the situation is still very isolating. I cannot imagine being thousands of miles away from home.

Do you have a support network of friends where you live? Even people who could come help a little? I hate asking people for help but on the other hand, if someone asked me I would in a heartbeat. I would even be flattered they thought I COULD help. Can a neighbor or friend come play with your kids for an hour so you can rest or finish a chore? Do you know anyone who enjoys cooking who might double their dinner recipe and share with you?

Lastly, don't give up who you are. That does not serve you or your kids. If you cannot be in a relationship with your husband without being exactly WHO you are, then maybe it is time to consider separating.

Good luck to you! I hope the best for you!
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