For those who took your ex-dp's name... - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
Old 09-13-2006, 06:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
talktomenow's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 3,972
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
What did you/ will you do after the divorce? I changed my name to my stbx's and now I really don't want it anymore. It doesn't even bother me so much that I won't have the same name as my children, which was my reason for changing it in the first place. I also don't want to change back to my maiden name. A friend of mine came up with a new name for herself... I'm thinking along these lines. Other experiences?

Amanda, mom to dsd (16), dd (11), dd (8), and ds (born 11/12/11).
 

talktomenow is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 09-13-2006, 07:07 PM
 
MsChatsAlot's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 4,962
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm still undecided. My married name is easier to pronounce, spell and rolls off the tongue better than my maiden name.

I looked through our famiy history and actually found a few old family names that I really liked in an attempt to keep family roots and yet create a new name for myself. But I'm not sure what I'll do yet.
MsChatsAlot is offline  
Old 09-13-2006, 09:48 PM
 
mendocino's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 244
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
That's how I look at it. It means nothing to me in terms of my ex. But I wouldn't want to have a different last name than my son.

During the divorce proceedings the judge asked if I wanted to change my name back. I answered that I would only if I could change my son's too. He said I would have to petition the court and my ex would have the chance to oppose it. I figured why bother...
mendocino is offline  
Old 09-13-2006, 11:58 PM
 
pranamama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Pacific NW
Posts: 5,003
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
me too, I have 3 children and want the same name as them. If you do a search there have been multiple threads on this issue!!
pranamama is offline  
Old 09-14-2006, 12:08 AM
 
Lisa Lubner's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: under the stars
Posts: 2,769
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I had my name changed back to my maiden name. My ex left under very painful circumstances and is getting married to the woman he cheated on my with, who will be taking his last name. Do I want to share a last name with her?? No, thankyou. Do I want to share a last name with my kids? Of course. Whether that means changing their last name to match mine, or hyphenating mine and the ex's, I'm not sure yet.

Besides, I like my last name.
Lisa Lubner is offline  
Old 09-14-2006, 12:32 AM
 
greenstone's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Palmerston North, New Zealand
Posts: 81
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I went back to my maiden name the day I dumped him. Thats who I am, after all, and I never did like his name that much....
greenstone is offline  
Old 09-14-2006, 01:55 AM
 
mama40's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 680
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My name. Actually I'd already stopped using the married name. Changing it to his was a big mistake in the first place. My daughter asked if sometimes my name is hers, too, and I've told her that when she's a lady she can have whatever name she wants.
mama40 is offline  
Old 09-14-2006, 08:41 AM
 
cheyennemama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Western MA
Posts: 430
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My divorce is on Monday. I had reluctantly taken my X's name, which I of course now regret! So, back in spring, I began to use my maiden name again. Even my 3 jobs accepted my maiden name! On Monday, I plan to ask to have my middle name dropped as well.
cheyennemama is offline  
Old 09-14-2006, 09:29 AM
 
mmace's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Southwestern Pennsylvania
Posts: 2,936
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Not divorced yet (but seperated for three years) - but I'm keeping his name. I like it better than my maiden name, and it's been a part of me for over a decade. I also like the fact that it's the same last name as my kids, but for some reason it bugs me when people call me "Mrs. M", even though I know legally I still am...

Of course, when Mr. Right comes along and sweeps me off my feet, it won't matter anymore, because then I'll become Mrs Right for the rest of my life!
mmace is offline  
Old 09-14-2006, 09:36 AM
 
krizty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Sioux City, Iowa
Posts: 386
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Not divorced yet... I sure can't wait to have my name back! Like Greenstone said... It is much cooler than his.
krizty is offline  
Old 09-14-2006, 10:41 PM
 
karen ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Tir Nanny Ogg
Posts: 935
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I went back to my maiden name when I got divorced. I just like the sound of my maiden name better. I think it flows better with my first name, and it is more "me" than his name ever was. I can't even remember why I took his in the first place.

When I filed for divorce, there was a box for me to check whether I wanted to change my name or not. Next to the "Yes" box was a line to write/type in the name I wanted to use (so I could have chosen something totally different if I had wanted to). If I didn't really like my full name, I would have chosen a new one.

The only problem is that a lot of times I do still get called Mrs. Ex'sname (doctor's offices, places like that) because DS still has ex's last name. It doesn't really bother me because I knew it would happen. I just politely correct them but don't make a big deal about it. Generally it's places that are so busy that they don't always have time to look up who's using what name every time I call them. (Whenever they've called me & have the chart in front of them they get it right.)
karen ann is offline  
Old 09-14-2006, 11:10 PM
 
boobybunny's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,219
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My mom dropped my father's name, went back to her father's. Then remarried, divorced, dropped her X's name but did not want her father's again. :


SOOOOO

She went by her first and middle name only. Wanda Kay. Which I think is cool, now she has remarried AGAIN (this one seems to have lasted almost 20 years) and has his last name.





I married but never got around to changing my name before he left for the "whorelett." I had grown up with my mom always having a different last name than I, and that hurt. I seriously did not want my father's name(think pedophile) so I changed my name to my children's name. :

Now I have remarried, and the children go by their father's and my husband's name. And our third child goes by the same hyphened name as the other two. My new hubbies idea, something about them being part of the same family..... X hates it but oh well. :
boobybunny is offline  
Old 09-15-2006, 07:51 PM
 
InstinctiveMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: OH
Posts: 505
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by MabelsMama
A friend of mine came up with a new name for herself... I'm thinking along these lines. Other experiences?
My college English professor chose a new name with his wife when they married. I always thought the idea was very cool! They chose Eden. And hey, a guy actually willing to part with his name is pretty rare too! My ex acted like I suggested something idiotic and impossible when I brought up hypenating, much less a whole name change. If only I had seen the signs then...
InstinctiveMama is offline  
Old 09-16-2006, 01:10 AM
 
Holland73's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Urban Jungle on the Bay
Posts: 2,573
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
I am very fortunate because my X wanted to take my last name and insisted that DS have my last name only.

Sure makes my life incredibly easy, especially in regards to travelling.
Holland73 is online now  
Old 09-16-2006, 10:41 AM
 
Jster's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Gulf coast of Florida
Posts: 2,925
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by InstinctiveMama
And hey, a guy actually willing to part with his name is pretty rare too! My ex acted like I suggested something idiotic and impossible when I brought up hypenating, much less a whole name change. If only I had seen the signs then...
: My ex actually agreed to change his name with me...then his family threw a fit, threatened to boycott the wedding, and their tantrums were more important than our marital union. I almost cancelled the wedding with him doing that...if I didn't have such wonderful kids I'd say I should have I never took his name (I really despise his family, there, now I can say it! And it sounds/spells awful as well). The girls are hyphenated, which is cool. Don't know quite what I'd do in the future though...It'd be a tad weird if I ever had kids with someone else to have two sets of differntly hyphenated kids!
Jster is offline  
Old 09-16-2006, 02:41 PM
 
mystic~mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: pacific northwest
Posts: 2,778
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
i wrote in to restore my maiden name on the divorce petition but dd is adament that her last name is P....(her dads) and I remember the disconnected feeling I had when my mom changed hers back without even (it seemed to me) a thought about how it effected the kids, just about her not wanting to be associated to my Dad who she still doesnt have a great feeling towards but thats another story...

so, I still think about restoring my maiden name which is twice as long and hard to pronounce but I will probably stay for now,,,,seems it will likely come up w/DP in the near future I'm feeling.

dust.gif
mystic~mama is offline  
Old 09-16-2006, 04:02 PM
 
sharksaresweeping's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 39
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I didn't want his name in the first place. He wanted me to have his name only. I hyphenated as a settlement since, with the hyphenation, my name could be sung to the tune of Camptown Races (an ongoing thing in my life- identifying sentences that were "doo dahs"). DD has his name only and that's in our separation agreement. His name is shorter but somehow gets more misunderstandings from people, especially as a hyphenation.

I can't legally change my name back until NY State allows me to convert the separation to divorce this December. I have been able to change my name at work (except my paystub) in our intranet, my cube sign, my email, etc. I changed it on all my accounts- utilities, credit cards, etc. Only my bank won't let me change it on my accounts, although I was able to get checks printed with only my maiden name. I even managed to finagle (sp?) rebuying my apartment with my maiden name when I refinanced to buy out my ex. It's cute and funny to hear DD say my full name.

I am also the product of a divorce in the early 70s. My mom had my brother from a previous marriage in the 60s. For me, she kept her married name to my father since my brother had had a tough time in school with a different last name than his mom. Except for me, in the 70s, all my teachers used to ask us to write down if any of our parents had a different last name.

At the end of the day, it's whatever works for you and your kids.

Judith
sharksaresweeping is offline  
Old 09-16-2006, 06:16 PM
 
MamaDaednu's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Ottawa
Posts: 2,453
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I don't know if I really count but...
When we got married neither of us took each others' name. We chose a new name together so neither of us was the other's property.
I momentarily considered going back to my maiden name (particularly since when I go back to Canada most of my documents there are still in my maiden name) but decided against it.
I like the name and I'm pretty much the one who chose it. But most importantly it's my children's name too. And I don't want to mess around with that side of it. If I got remarried I would likely still keep this name.
MamaDaednu is offline  
Old 09-16-2006, 10:08 PM
 
Viewfinder's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 558
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I just wanted to jump in from the side and say, I knew from earliest childhood that I did not want to be stripped of my lifelong name and have to take some other name, and that any children that came out of my body would have my name, as well.

I did not end up having children with either of the two men I have been married to.

I incorporated into my daughter's first name the last name of my maternal grandmother, and gave her my last name, not that I'm so aligned with my mother's side of the family, I'm not. It's that it makes sense to me on a grand scale, naming families based on the maternal line.

When the school calls and asks for "Mrs. X," I wonder why they are asking for my mother. Haha. I didn't see that coming.
Viewfinder is offline  
Old 09-16-2006, 11:33 PM
 
bu's mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: LI, NY
Posts: 2,815
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm very stuck with this issue as well. I *really* don't want to be associated with stbx's name, but I really want to keep the connection with dd.

Quote:
Originally Posted by mystic~mama
...so, I still think about restoring my maiden name which is twice as long and hard to pronounce but I will probably stay for now,,,,seems it will likely come up w/DP in the near future I'm feeling.
This is also a problem I have...married name is somewhat common but my maiden name is long & hard to pronounce & the only ones that have it are related due to some inventive spelling at Ellis Island .

Also, I feel like my maiden name is attached to my father who I don't hold many fond feelings for so it's not a matter of really wanting my maiden name back just not wanting my married name, iykwim. I was thinking about taking my mother's maiden name but it is very common...top 5, I think, so I don't know about that either.
bu's mama is offline  
Old 09-18-2006, 03:01 AM
 
kathleenE's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Ventura, CA
Posts: 132
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
While in reality I would like to change back to my maiden name, I am just under too much stress right now to take on one more thing. I know it's free when you divorce; whereas it costs something like $500 later; but right now I'm just getting three boys acclimated to new schools and a new town; I moved to my new place yesterday and am not quite fully moved in yet; we haven't figured out a workable schedule yet; I started a new job 5 weeks ago; I have fibromyalgia and haven't been feeling well; I have had to make a hundred phone calls to get gas, water, electricity, tv, internet, garbage, and phone service turned off and on--I won't even go on to mentions the ten million other things on my plate. To add to all that making the phone calls and filling out the forms to change my name on my Social Security card, my driver's license, my passport, my bank cards, my email addresses, my medical insurance, my W2 forms I filled out at my new job, my name plate at work, my security badge at work, *all* the above-mentioned utilities, my name on all my kids' school and medical forms and in my two alumni associations, and I know about a hundred other pain in the a** things, would just put me right over the edge into the abyss. I'd shoot myself. That's all. It's just survival at the moment, and I can't do one single more thing than I'm already doing. Except type this endless email! So let me end it. Bye! :
kathleenE is offline  
Old 09-20-2006, 11:23 AM
 
ninelives's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 61
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lisa Lubner View Post

Besides, I like my last name.

Is it the alliteration that you like?
ninelives is offline  
Old 09-21-2006, 01:03 AM
TAC
 
TAC's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: somewhere out there
Posts: 523
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
dd asked me when the divorce was going on if I would change my name. I asked her what she thought and she said she wouldn't like it. She said divorced kids are never popular, and she doesn't want anyone to know she comes from divorce. I asked if it was really important to her that I keep the same last name and she told me it was. So I kept the same stupid last name.
but boy what a way to piss him off by changing his "sons" last name. Hoo boy....:
TAC is offline  
Old 09-21-2006, 11:40 AM
 
j'smom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 32
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
does your dd have anyone she can talk to who is separate from the situation? or is she close with or trust anyone on either side of the family enough to talk to them?
j'smom is offline  
Old 09-21-2006, 07:05 PM
TAC
 
TAC's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: somewhere out there
Posts: 523
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
yes, my daughter sees a psychologist regularly. She has done well adjusting despite the tremendous difficulty she is having with her father. I try very hard to make it easy for her, because he makes it so difficult. If something as unimportant as a name change will make her feel more comfortable, than so be it.
TAC is offline  
Old 09-21-2006, 10:07 PM
 
j'smom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 32
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I agree with the name change thing. In the grand scheme of things, it seems like a small sacrifice if it helps dd. It's good that she sees a psychologist, especially if she feels comfortable with them. That makes a big difference. Having someone safe they can talk to is good especially if they are really sensitive like my ds. He had started to sort of shut down a little and I was scared. Luckily x didn't give me any trouble about the psych. How amazing?! There are a couple of people on x's side that ds is close to who I think can be supportive for him and not take sides. I'm glad for that. One day at a time...
j'smom is offline  
 
User Tag List

Thread Tools


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off