My kids deserve so much better than the dad they've got - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 19 Old 11-02-2006, 09:50 AM - Thread Starter
 
Jster's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Gulf coast of Florida
Posts: 2,925
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
You know, I just really am amazed at the fact that they love this man who's never put them first, who was so willing to ditch them for another woman, and now he's having a kid he'll probably be much more invovled in the kids' life because the mom doesn't sound too interested.

I realized yesterday as I was thinking about trick or treating with the kids, and for a very brief second I felt sorry about ex because he's never going to have that experience doing that with them. Then I remembered that there were three Halloweens that passed before we separated, the last of which we really did go trick or treating, and that was actually the first night he had sex with his new g/f (I didn't know about the relationship at the time). I just can't understand being so much more interested in a partner then my kids...I never would. That night we waited around for "Dada" for a while, until I just gave up and went without him, he didn't come home till after midnight (I, of course, was terrified what might have happened.)

And ex's new wife is applying for teaching positions, one of which is at a college nearby. But if they got that job, it would be for the sake of the job, not being near the kids. If the kids were the most important, he'd come here and do whatever it took to be near them. But they aren't and never will be paramount. IF he moved here, though, he'd start fighting for 50/50 time, but gee, is that fair? Is that right?

And it's even worse because I'm with such a wonderful man now, who loves the girls and sees being in their lives a privilege. Yet I know if our relationship continues to blossom my ex would never let someone else adopt, because of his property interest in his kids, unless maybe paying child support became too inconvenient for him :

Sorry, just some gloomy thoughts, maybe someone else can commiserate with me. :
Jster is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#2 of 19 Old 11-02-2006, 10:44 AM
 
StephandOwen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 8,613
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm sorry your girls seem to be getting the short end of the stick. I've got zero advice, since Owen's dad isn't even in the picture atm, but couldn't read and not send out some hugs. I get upset about Owen not having a dad. It really does hurt me that he's going to grow up without a dad around. It hurt me even more when I saw ex with his girlfriends kids. To see that he WAS capable of taking care of children (well, they were relatively safe, I suppose), he was playing with these children, laughing with them, giving them hugs and kisses. And yet my son gets nothing. My son has never gotten to feel the love of his father, and it does upset me. But, I can't force his dad to step up. While I am not looking for a replacement dad, I am thinking more and more about dating because I want Owen to have a father figure.

Steph, DH Jason (1-1-11), DS Owen (10-3-03) and DS Kai (10-13-11)

StephandOwen is offline  
#3 of 19 Old 11-02-2006, 12:27 PM
 
MsChatsAlot's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 4,962
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hugs to both you, Jster and Steph!

It's not easy sometimes, that's for sure and I agree that you're children do deserve better.

But your girls are so blessed to have you for their mom Jster. And they get the benefit of this new male role model in their life. The 'name' they call him and whether or not he could adopt them will not matter. The love and time and energy he puts into them will make him a 'dad' to them by default over the years and that will make all the difference.

I know it's tough, but your girls have so much love in their life even with his absence. They are already very blessed.

MsChatsAlot is offline  
#4 of 19 Old 11-02-2006, 01:35 PM
 
mountain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: closer to fine
Posts: 1,844
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Jester, some kids never get to have the love of a mom that's as dedicated and thoughtful as you are. I feel ya on the short end of the stick thing, but I'm with the pps that time will tell.

I believe my kids will realize every bit of energy that does on around them--they're too young to get that their dad is prioritizing everything else above them (great stuff like getting drunk & driving). I believe that my kids know even now that I am their haven, their soft place to be, their touchstone. I'd never jeopordize that relationship for anything!

So yeah, the hypotheticals suck. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I believe if you keep plugging on as strong mama you are--well, that's what we do.

You're wonderful.
mountain is offline  
#5 of 19 Old 11-02-2006, 04:45 PM
 
boobybunny's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,219
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
my older two have the same issue... only dad already had the new baby. he missed seeing our son win a soccer tournement....regional champs...missed out on tot..again, missed parent teacher conferences...has never been to first day of school. the list goes on and on...
i have remarried, an my husband is who my kiidos call their everyday dad....


anyway.. what i am getting to is, eventually the kids realize.. the self esteem suffers and you can only do the best you can do.


nak
boobybunny is offline  
#6 of 19 Old 11-02-2006, 05:42 PM
 
BelovedK's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: wandering around.... with an aim.
Posts: 16,765
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have no advice, I just wanted to mirror what MCA said about them being lucky to have you as their mother. ((((hugs))))i know it is hard , but children are more resilient than we think. Just keep up the good work mama, you are a great mom

                                Whatever will be, already is...
 
BelovedK is offline  
#7 of 19 Old 11-02-2006, 09:17 PM
 
MommytoB's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 2,115
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I know where your coming from except my 'son's father' chose 'his computer' over his own son and still chooses to 'be with his 'computer' than 'his own son' . He has 'been talking on & off of showing up 'yeah right -now it's a year with b not seeing his daddy. His daddy has plenty of chances he knows of 'weeks that are weekends with 'days off ' .

I am glad, sad and mad because gladness is my son don't need a dad like that in his life who choose to care about his computer than his own son.

Sigh he can be 'able to take a 'vacation if he wants to' but it's the 'word 'want'.
MommytoB is offline  
#8 of 19 Old 11-03-2006, 12:37 AM
 
cheyennemama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Western MA
Posts: 430
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I so know what you all mean. And I'm so glad many of you now have GOOD MEN in your life. I never thought I'd think about getting them a "new dad", but I do. Because theirs stinks!

Jster- funny....was that last Halloween? Because that's when X decided he was REALLY divorcing me?
cheyennemama is offline  
#9 of 19 Old 11-03-2006, 12:54 AM
 
CalebsMama05's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Lincoln, Nebraska
Posts: 3,336
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Jami (25) Roland (27) & Caleb (5), Jacob (3.5) , Kaitlyn (2)
CalebsMama05 is offline  
#10 of 19 Old 11-03-2006, 10:03 AM - Thread Starter
 
Jster's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Gulf coast of Florida
Posts: 2,925
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thanks everyone! I know so many of you deal with men who are even more remote to their children, and it hurts me to hear about that as well. And it is a very good point that these kids are lucky to have mothers who care about them so deeply. :

And I do know how lucky we are to have a wonderful man in our lives...it's something I never had growing up, as my parents divorced when I was less than a year old, I had a weekend dad with his new family but my mom never remarried, so I'm glad for my girls to have this male role model in their lives. Gotta look on the bright side !

cheyennemama, the Halloween my ex missed was actually three years ago...feels so good to see how far I've come since my marriage ended. Hugs to you!
Jster is offline  
#11 of 19 Old 11-03-2006, 10:51 AM
 
annarbor931's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Metro Atlanta
Posts: 654
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My DS has an awful father, who hasn't seen him in 18 months. DS is only 33 months, so he has NO clue who his father is at all. I can't believe I picked this man as a father to this innocent, wonderful boy. He is incapable of love. I used to work so hard to keep X involved but he is too busy being angry at me for many imagined wrongs, that he threw the baby out with the marriage. I don't think he would ever really be able to be a true Dad, even if we were still married. His personality disorder is so bad that he really lacks the capacity to connect. I fear he would scar DS with his crazy talk.

The good news...

I am engaged and getting married in 3 weeks, and my DS knows my STB hubby as a "Dad" figure. He has been calling him by his name only, since we aren't married. But, my point is that he does have several male figures in his life. However, he does not have a Dad yet. At some point, my husband hopes to adopt DS but we have to wait a bit because the Court (in MI) likes to see no contact for longer and I am sure XH would fight me just to spite me. I want my future husband to step up and be Dad more so after we are married, because my son really needs him to make up for what he will never have from his real father.

I think many of us can relate to this post and it is such a sad revelation. Many hugs to all of the moms and kids with lackluster parents.
annarbor931 is offline  
#12 of 19 Old 11-03-2006, 02:51 PM
TAC
 
TAC's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: somewhere out there
Posts: 523
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I know I'm awful, but I pray everyday that my dc's father will go away. Life was so much easier when he was an absent Dad. Now he's decided he needs to be in thier life to protect them from their mother. I wish he was an absent father.
TAC is offline  
#13 of 19 Old 11-03-2006, 11:10 PM
 
j'smom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 32
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I understand that you feel that way now, but despite this, your dc need their dad. If he is willing to be in their life, he needs to be, regardless of how much you hate each other. I understand that you and he have issues but, without their dad, they will struggle especially as adults, to know who they are. They need you both. I saw my therapist today and she asked me about my father. I started to bawl. Emotions came out that I had tried to surpress for so long. She told me something interesting though. She said that she felt that when my parents divorced and they each said bad things to me about the other, I became confused about how to love, how to be loved. Because of this, I have struggled to find my own identity. I have struggled to love myself. I think this had a huge impact on my own marriage. My point in a roundabout way I guess is that, you did love this man at one time enough to have children with him and he must love his children in some way. They are part of both of you. I guess it takes some men longer to realize the meaning of that love for a child. As mothers, we just get it. I hope I didn't offend you or seem preachy. I know it's hard.
j'smom is offline  
#14 of 19 Old 11-03-2006, 11:29 PM
 
annarbor931's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Metro Atlanta
Posts: 654
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think divorce impacts kids in many ways. I do not think all parents can or should parent, however. It is hard either way, but living with a disturbed parent can destroy a child's psyche too. There are no easy choices.
annarbor931 is offline  
#15 of 19 Old 11-04-2006, 11:54 AM
TAC
 
TAC's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: somewhere out there
Posts: 523
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I am not offened. I understand the value of a father in a childs life. I myself have an awesome Dad. He has always been a rock for both myself and my siblings. My parents have been married for 45years. He is a good dad and husband.

I struggle with this daily. My children love their dad. I believe they have every right to love this man. I refuse to interfere with that. That is thier relationship not mine. The issues I have with him are about them, but they don't need to know what they are or be involved in anyway. I would never ever make them choose. I do not say negative things about thier dad. This only hurts them. When you love something and someone bashes it, it hurts. I have watched their pain when thier dad does this. He frequently bashes me, and it really hurts them.

At what point however, is a Dad's involvement more bad than good. If he is teaching his son disrespect for women, and teaching his daughter she is worthless compared to her brother. When he physically harms them, and embarasses them with his temper in public. When is his influence no longer a positive thing. I don't have this to rely on because my dad was a good guy. When are they better off without a dad?
TAC is offline  
#16 of 19 Old 11-04-2006, 12:08 PM
 
kittywitty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: The Room of Requirement
Posts: 13,061
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 8 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by rmcarons View Post
I know I'm awful, but I pray everyday that my dc's father will go away. Life was so much easier when he was an absent Dad. Now he's decided he needs to be in thier life to protect them from their mother. I wish he was an absent father.
This is my biggest fear. I am married, but my eldest 2 are from my previous relationship. Their father refuses to pay child support. He quits as soon as they start taking it from his paycheck and then works under the table. He tells me how he doesn't want them and how he was "too young". I was much younger than him! And he says this all the time.

I tried hard for awhile to get them together to see each other, but I know now it's not in their best interest. Ex is always messed up and has weird friends over. One girlfriend he had over was calling my oldest "her cutie". : Did I mention she only ever saw her once? And I think she was 15. Ex decided at one point he wanted them part time (I suppose his gf did). It ends up he was getting an apartment with one of his friends who had just gotten out of jail for manslaughter (or something equivalent-I knew his younger brother) and liked to date really young girls (he was 30+). Needless to say, I don't trust ex with the kids alone anymore.

Luckily, his mother does like to see them and is really good, so they get something there. They are kinda confused, and think that my dh is their father. I do not know my own real father. I do suffer with it. But that's his choice. But now I realize that I would rather have him gone and have been raised by two other men in my life (mom's ex and sfather).

(((HUGS))) It's a crappy situation, but it sounds like your kids got lucky with such a wonderful mom around.

AP Mom to 5 knit.gifhomeschool.giftoddler.gif
 
  

kittywitty is offline  
#17 of 19 Old 11-05-2006, 11:19 AM
 
canadianchick's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Enjoying the early Spring!!! Yeah!
Posts: 3,610
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
to you and your little ones.

My dd often asks why I had to pick her "him" to be her father. I haven't come up with an answer to that.

Kim, proud CPS mom to Marnie and my 4 legged kids, Jess, Zander, Oliver, Stumpy and Eddie.
canadianchick is offline  
#18 of 19 Old 11-05-2006, 12:23 PM
 
j'smom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 32
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Wow, I agree this is a hard one. He physically harms them?! I don't even know how to begin with that. My father never physically harmed me. Just emotional. He made me feel worthless too. He was an alcoholic though too. BUT, if your dc love him, I think maybe this is one of those "they will have to learn on their own" things. When their fed up and don't want to see him anymore, they will tell you. I would say don't force them to see him if they don't want to, but it also seems like x will try to manipulate that and say you are brainwashing them or something. This is truely a hard situation for you. I wish I could offer some better advice. Just continuing showing them you love them and will always be a stable force in their life. It may not seem so now, but it will make a difference.
j'smom is offline  
#19 of 19 Old 11-05-2006, 08:01 PM
 
Viewfinder's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 558
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by rmcarons View Post
At what point however, is a Dad's involvement more bad than good. If he is teaching his son disrespect for women, and teaching his daughter she is worthless compared to her brother. When he physically harms them, and embarasses them with his temper in public. When is his influence no longer a positive thing. I don't have this to rely on because my dad was a good guy. When are they better off without a dad?
This passage struck a nerve with me. I mean, really, at what point do you say this does more harm than good? The values that dad is teaching them by being himself sound horrendous and much more harmful for their long-term self-esteem than knowing him does them good. And how in their minds do they square your apparently uncritical (to them) view of their dad, and desire for them to keep spending time with him? I know your hands are tied on letting him at them, but, from the kids' point of view, do they think to themselves, "Mommy must agree with him about such and such because she sends us to them." Compare to sending them to Catholic School if you're an atheist... kids to themselves: "Is Mommy saying we should believe in God and the Bible when she doesn't? Is she saying not to agree with her, to be different from her?"

That was my dilemma, and I struggled with it for a few years. I tried to keep my lips zipped on my real opinions of my dd's papa until finally, I decided that I simply could not agree with the conventional wisdom that knowing the dad, and not saying anything negative about him was the right thing to do. I decided that in our case, HONESTY was the best policy.

I decided I would tell my dd early on that although I was in love with her dad when we conceived her, and he had some wonderful qualities, he was not capable of LIVING those qualities for any predictable period of time. I explained that he was not a good person to be around children, as he did not think ahead, and did not understand how to keep a child safe and he did not understand how fragile eardrums are. He was mean and not safe. He picked fights with strangers and had road rages endangering both she and I as well as others, serving his angers. He made me feel bad about myself and due to his terrible upbringing, still harbored hatred for his own mother who did not protect the children from their brute of a dad, and sometimes that hatred came out on me. He would not get therapy for it. He controlled me as much as he could. He embarrassed me at every turn. He did not support us at all, yet demanded respect as if he did. He yelled constantly. He slammed doors until they broke. He sabotaged my car engine to keep me from leaving him. Etc., etc.

She's only seven, but she knows all of these things. I WANT her to know about him so that fantasies about him have some ballast keeping them fairly close to Earth. She still has fantasies, of course, as do I--that he'll change and be Mr. Wonderful. People are complicated and I realized early on that my dd was deep and seeing alot of these things, not only with us but with other people's families as well, and didn't want to confuse her with bullsh- while the reality was pretty plain to see. (Note: parent teacher conference: her teacher notices that she is more mature than other second graders, she and the other child of a single mom: her best friend.)

I want her to know why I won't live with him, why I would never trust him to take her for five minutes. I want her to notice that like so many of her friends at school with single parents, they live with their moms because they will be better cared for with their moms. And she is with me because I most assuredly WANT her to be with me, and WELCOME the responsibility and REVEL in the rewards of her company. And I do say often that I wish her dad also got to experience her wonderfulness, but he is just too messed up to get it. I say that to him, also, that he is missing out on the most pure love in the world, that no one will ever love him the way his daughter does, and no love is so healing and forgiving as a child's. But, he marches to the beat of a different drum. Or, as I have sometimes thought, the GOOD in him recognizes that the BAD in him should never be around this innocent child, and for that, I bless him, and acknowledge that there is something truly wonderful about him that most people will never appreciate: that he loves us enough to stay out of our lives.

I hope that she will have grieved for the loss of him sooner than it took me to grieve the loss of the PRESENT dad that I had, who, since my mother stayed with him forever, I was fooled into believing was somehow good and decent and right and whatever thoughts I had about him had to be wrong since SHE chose to be with him despite what he did. He incested me and whipped all of us kids unmercifully, taught me that boys count and girls don't. I am nearly fifty, and letting go of fantasies about a "good daddy" has been an interminably long, long process. I am only now beginning to feel free. (I've had MANY years of very good therapy--incest, which ended when I was under 7, and other child abuse can be an enormous mind-f--- that just takes forever, which is, in fact, preferable to suicide or committing murder, either of which could have been alternatives in my life earlier.

I'm for speeding it up grieving and healing. I don't want my girl to be fifty before she realizes that her dad really and truly is exactly what I said he is: easier to love from a distance. I give her plenty of other role models of decent men, and plenty of role models of women who are content being the heads of their households, and who, in fact, wouldn't have it any other way. I love men, love romance, love sharing life, and I want to create that in my life again. But it's okay being a family of mom and daughter. Nowadays, she says our family consists of she and I and whatever pets we have. She'll talk to him on the phone, but doesn't care to much anymore. She's letting go, and that's a good thing for her, I believe.
Viewfinder is offline  
Reply

User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off