November dating thread - Page 6 - Mothering Forums
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#151 of 164 Old 11-30-2006, 03:16 PM
 
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o.k. I'm new to this thread but I wanted to find some info on background checks and found this, LOL

I've been talking to a guy I met on eharmony (during a free trial. woohoo! ) for almost 2 weeks. We seem to agree on most everything, and he's very open to learning new things, accepting new ideas, etc. He is Christian, like me, and we agree on just about every spiritual topic.

Anyway, it's kind of gotten to that point while we still have plenty to talk about, all the "major" things are out of the way and agreed upon, lol. He wants to move it to the next level, so we agreed to talking on the phone. Something I'm comfortable with (but nervous!). I haven't dated anyone in about 3 yrs, and even 3 yrs ago I went on *ONE* date. Before that I was pregnant or with a baby, and before that I was with my high school boyfriend. So I really haven't had any experience dating in "the real world".

I told him today that I would like to do a background check before meeting in person. I just feel more comfortable about that. i feel it's important to protect myself and my son and while it doesn't ensure nothing will happen, it does give me a bit of security, KWIM?

So has anyone done a background check? If so, what's the cheapest place to do it? I've seen some for $100! I've seen other for $45, but I thought someone, a couple yrs ago, told me about getting it done for $15 at the police department.

thanks!
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#152 of 164 Old 11-30-2006, 03:17 PM
 
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He was at a training with me for city employees. He was outgoing and attractive. He even had a great sense of humor. Problem was I was shy and though we continuously made eye contact, he didn't hit on me.

I would have promptly given him my number, but because he didn't ask, I didn't offer. I wanted to say something to him sooooooooo badly, but I just couldn't. Now, I'm kicking myself and considering calling his department. :

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#153 of 164 Old 11-30-2006, 03:24 PM
 
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girlie librarian, no offense, but he probably has a female somewhere. If you continually made eye contact, but he didn't flirt, that's my first thought.

blessed81902, I have no idea. Sorry. I don't do background checks. If I don't trust you, I don't meet you. I consider myself pretty intuitive and I trust that.

JustVanessa, how...scary! I don't know...maybe not scary to you. I'd be a bit scared.

One more reason to go back to celibacy. I'm finding sex as a single mother to be overwhelming. There are so many things to think about, I have a difficult time relaxing and just being in the moment completely.
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#154 of 164 Old 11-30-2006, 03:34 PM
 
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Originally Posted by girlie librarian View Post
Now, I'm kicking myself and considering calling his department. :

Go for it. You have nothing to loose. This isn't someone you will have to see very often if he isn't interested.
If it were me I would call and just maybe ask him if he wants to meet for coffee sometime.

Lucy- Very, very scary. I don't believe in abortion (well I don't believe this situation warrents it, not rape etc) so I know I would keep it....I have no idea how he would take it though.

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#155 of 164 Old 11-30-2006, 03:38 PM
 
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blessed81902, I have no idea. Sorry. I don't do background checks. If I don't trust you, I don't meet you. I consider myself pretty intuitive and I trust that.
I agree to a certain extent. I believe intuition is far more valueable than a background check, and just becuase a background shows nothing doesn't mean they haven't done anything, or aren't ever going to do anything in the future. So to a point, I agree with that. however, I also feel that a background check is a useful tool in addition. When the info is available, why not look at it?

I have a friend who was wth her husband for 5 yrs I believe. They had children together, and he beat her. She finally left him, and when they went to court she found out that he had done this to at least one other woman before her. She says she really felt she was listening to her intuition. I don't ever want to just trust myself, if the info is available. Maybe I don't trust myself as much.
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#156 of 164 Old 11-30-2006, 04:08 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Lucy VanPelt View Post
girlie librarian, no offense, but he probably has a female somewhere. If you continually made eye contact, but he didn't flirt, that's my first thought.
That was initially what I thought, but he continuously made references to being single. So... Maybe we were both just too fearful of rejection. That's what I believe...

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#157 of 164 Old 11-30-2006, 04:10 PM
 
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Originally Posted by JustVanessa View Post
Go for it. You have nothing to loose. This isn't someone you will have to see very often if he isn't interested.
If it were me I would call and just maybe ask him if he wants to meet for coffee sometime.
You're right maybe I will. I'm feeling brave!

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#158 of 164 Old 11-30-2006, 04:45 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Blessed81902 View Post

I told him today that I would like to do a background check before meeting in person. I just feel more comfortable about that. i feel it's important to protect myself and my son and while it doesn't ensure nothing will happen, it does give me a bit of security, KWIM?

So has anyone done a background check? If so, what's the cheapest place to do it? I've seen some for $100! I've seen other for $45, but I thought someone, a couple yrs ago, told me about getting it done for $15 at the police department.

thanks!
No experience with background checks here.

I have met 3 men (one of which is my current dp) via eHarmony and I haven't done any background checks. Granted, I had also been in communication with them for a few months before actually meeting them, mostly because they lived in various parts of the US.

I figure if I met them in the grocery store and went on a date with them, I wouldn't consider a background check. And, I actually know more about the online men, by the time we go out for a date, than I do with the man in the grocery store.

But, I always take the typical safety precautions...public place, cell phone, someone knows where I am, etc.

Googling someone's name is a great way to verify information and potentially learn more.
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#159 of 164 Old 11-30-2006, 08:29 PM
 
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I guess my bf & I are officially over, if we really ever had a relationship anyways. (I had only been seeing him a couple mos.)

I was at his house Saturday night things got hot & heavy & everything, not to get too detailed, but anyways. I called him on Monday and we only talked for maybe 5 min, he sounded like he was mad about something. Then I called him again yesterday and he sounded a lot better, sweet, nice, what have you. I asked him when we could get together again and he said that he didn't know because he had started seeing someone else. At first I thought he was joking because he said I've known her awhile, she's nice, has a couple kids, well I am all of the above so I thought he was just joking meaning me. Then I asked him if maybe we could hang out a couple hours today, he said, "Well, I'll keep it in mind, but that would be a little wierd since he started seeing someone else". That's when I totally started steaming, I didn't argue with him, I just stopped talking to him and let it go at that.

Then today I find out he spent Thanksgiving with this woman & then was with me this past Sat. Nice guy, I am debating on being really mean and e-mailing her to tell her all about it.
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#160 of 164 Old 11-30-2006, 09:59 PM
 
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Let them sort out their relationship. Be thankful you found out how he is after only a couple of months.
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#161 of 164 Old 11-30-2006, 11:24 PM
 
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I'm so sorry mama!! BTDT, I know how much it hurts!! We ra ehere for you!
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#162 of 164 Old 12-01-2006, 01:04 AM - Thread Starter
 
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#163 of 164 Old 12-01-2006, 02:23 AM
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I got rid of it for you. Not that I'm actually dating anyone ATM... although last week I ran into a guy I dated for a month or so last spring. We sort of drifted apart because we lived 40 minutes away from each other, but now I'm in the same town... only thing is, he's a professor at the university where I'm now a grad student, in a closely related department (same building, different floor).

Who knows if anything will come of it, though... and I won't be too upset either way. He was really nice, but no sparks, ya know?

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#164 of 164 Old 12-01-2006, 07:29 PM
 
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SBI2005, that really bites. I'm so sorry. Ofcourse you feel slighted and angry. Make sure you call all those shared molecules of yourself back to you and love yourself after that ordeal.

On the background check, I'd meet at a public place first to see what things are like. I know you can do a background check for less at the government center. I agree--it doesn't mean that nothing has ever happened. I have been with two men who were abusive. One, I later learned was admitted to a mental health facility as a teen...for years. The other, I later learned had a friend get shot in the head by his other friend at age 13, and he immediately started drinking to cope. He had a major alcohol problem and ofcourse has all kinds of unresolved emotional issues. I learned he also hit his ex girlfriend. He had a criminal history of drunk driving. If I'd looked, I would have known some of this, but only the stuff after 18, and what was reported/documented. It might have been a good idea, but I was 23 and a far too naive and trusting.

and GUESS WHAT? : I have another date this week! I'm feeling oh so brave lately. I met this guy on a personals site a friend told me about as being the best one. I've decided I just don't like the online profiling right now, but he was cute enough for me to create a handle and contact. He says I'm his first date on the site, and that it's his only site. He's new to it. He was on the first page I looked at, and I laughed out loud at his profile almost all the way through. We've been emailing, and he is really very funny. If nothing else, I have really enjoyed his hilarious writing style! I have a much clearer good feeling about this one. If this one doesn't seem promising after the date, I'll take a break until after the holiday. How exhasting...this dating thing! I'm meeting him for breakfast at a coffee shop. I've decided to reserve fancier dinners for people I'm sure I like. The dinner and drinks ordeal is waaaay out of my budget.

Wait, it's December. New dating thread??
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