December dating thread - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 156 Old 12-01-2006, 01:02 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, it's been an eventful month for so many of us (myself included)

I actually got this thread up on time. I won't be around tommorow to do it (beat you to my reminder Mountain )

My wish for us all is to have a great month, I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season, whichever way you celebrate (even if you do nothing at all)

I'm rambling

This is the place to post all of your dating issues, celebrations, anything else dating related.


As for myself, I was almost dateraped by a man last week (I wrote about it last month) He called me, and I called him back, telling him that he had no right to treat me that way and that I would not be seeing him again (i kept if brief, he didn't deserve any of my time, he was lucky I called)...whew! that chapter is closed. I hope to find someone really nice. I actually have a crush on someone, but he is off limits (he has a gf ) I'm not the type to dwell on something like that, but I still wish I were his gf

I'm just dreaming :

I can't wait to read all about this months interesting happenings...bring it on

                                Whatever will be, already is...
 
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#2 of 156 Old 12-01-2006, 01:28 AM
 
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As for myself, I was almost dateraped by a man last week (I wrote about it last month)
I'm sorry you were in that position. I don't often read the dating thread (says a lot about how active *my* dating life is ) so I missed it. I'm glad you're okay.

Steph, DH Jason (1-1-11), DS Owen (10-3-03) and DS Kai (10-13-11)

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#3 of 156 Old 12-01-2006, 01:29 AM
 
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#4 of 156 Old 12-01-2006, 12:12 PM
 
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Yes, I too am very sorry to hear about your date rape expeience

As for my dating life right now, I certainly am a glutton for punishment. After my bf had dropped the bomb on me that he was seeing someone else I called him last night. I just didn't want him to think that I was mad at him, oh wait I was. Well, he sort of apologized to me, he said he felt bad for what he did. Unfortunately things somehow turned to a sexual nature and our conversation really heated up. Although he still didn't mention wanting me to come over anymore or whatever. It really sounds like he still wants me, even if only for 1 thing.

I found a little bit out about this woman that he is seeing, he's known her as an acquaintance for about a year. She is recently divorced and just out of an abuse relationship. I think she probably wanted a shoulder to cry on and he didn't want to let a friend down, I have been with guys like that before. It shows that he is sensitive to a womans needs, but when your doing this with more than one woman that is where it becomes wrong in my book. Still with me? LOL.

I don't know it may sound a little out there, but I think I am going to try to make him want me so much, show him what he's missing and then hopefully he will leave her and come back to me. It doesn't sound like he's real thrilled with her anyways. Doesn't this all sound so childish? This is exactly what happened between me & my high school boyfriend, lol. OK I will stop babbling!

Good Luck in December All! Happy Holidays!
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#5 of 156 Old 12-01-2006, 12:20 PM
 
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dang! I'm sorry you had to go through that, BelovedK!

I was so close to getting my first date in 3 years, but I think I scared him away with the background check thing because this is the first time he han't replied to email the day I sent it.

If that's why he hasn't responded yet, then I'm o.k with it. Having someone ask you for a background check may sound a little strange at first, but I think, knowing I'm a single mom, a man should have no problem with me doing a background check unless he has something to hide...in which case I don't want to date him anyway!

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#6 of 156 Old 12-01-2006, 12:41 PM
 
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Blessed- Having someone ask me for a background check before even having coffe/lunch with them would probably scare me off and I don't have anything to hide : Don't write him off yet.
I completely understand about being worried though. I did my own kinda small town background check on current bf before getting involved with him. I just asked everyone I know about him....no one including an exgirlfriend had anything bad to say about him so I went for it.


BTW, still no period...ACK! Hopefully comes sometime today or tomorrow.

Vanessa belly.gif, wife to Kev , mama to Byron (5) wild.gif and Billie (2) and  due in June
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#7 of 156 Old 12-01-2006, 12:49 PM
 
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Blessed- Having someone ask me for a background check before even having coffe/lunch with them would probably scare me off and I don't have anything to hide : Don't write him off yet.
I completely understand about being worried though. I did my own kinda small town background check on current bf before getting involved with him. I just asked everyone I know about him....no one including an exgirlfriend had anything bad to say about him so I went for it.
Yeah, I'm sure it would definitely catch someone off gaurd. I just reread what I wrote to him about it, and I think I was very open and calm about the whole thing. Letting him know that if he'd like to discuss it more, I'm completely open to that. I also told him that if it freaked him out too much, he was free to run away fast

It's not possible for me to ask around because he just moved here from Ohio about a month ago. I live in the Orlando area, too, so it's a bit difficult to "ask around", lol

I saw that the Florida Department of Law Enforcement has an online thing for background checks that is much cheaper than the other places. I just need to see if it will even have him registered as living in florida since he just moved here.

blessings,
Devin
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#8 of 156 Old 12-01-2006, 02:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I think a background check is a great idea, I should do that with my 'potentials' maybe I could've avoided what happened last week.

I think that for the holidays I am just going to focus on the DC and not even worry about dating, where is the time anyway?

I'm attracting the wrong men and I really want to be a magnet for the kind of guy who likes me for 'me' and respects me...haven't been running into much of that lately.

I really wish all of you good luck and happiness Having a man doesn't make that so. Enjoy yourselves. A nice man to date is just icing

                                Whatever will be, already is...
 
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#9 of 156 Old 12-01-2006, 02:24 PM
 
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Well, it's been an eventful month for so many of us (myself included)

I actually got this thread up on time. I won't be around tommorow to do it (beat you to my reminder Mountain )

My wish for us all is to have a great month, I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season, whichever way you celebrate (even if you do nothing at all)

I can't wait to read all about this months interesting happenings...bring it on
Ha ha! You are so good mama! Tho' I'm a bit sad you don't need me anymore...

I wish your wish to come true! I have a feeling what with all the freakouts around the holidays...we might get emotional.

My mantra for the month: "You get what you get and you don't throw a fit"

I personally would be okay with a background check...I wish I'd done one at age 23 when I got pg w/ my son...my X is such a UA breaker.

My whole situation w/ my bf of 3 mo. is getting so much deeper so quickly...we are connecting so well on this incredible level...my trust of him is getting more certain, and I'm not feeling so twitchy---it is really hard to get through your fears from the past! I'm still trying though and that's all we can really do...

I have a test tomorrow to be a substitute teacher...I've got to go nose to the grindstone...but wishing you all a lovely weekend with much 'love' in the 'lovely'....
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#10 of 156 Old 12-01-2006, 07:34 PM
 
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SBI2005, that really bites. I'm so sorry. Ofcourse you feel slighted and angry. Make sure you call all those shared molecules of yourself back to you and love yourself after that ordeal.

On the background check, I'd meet at a public place first to see what things are like. I know you can do a background check for less at the government center. I agree--it doesn't mean that nothing has ever happened. I have been with two men who were abusive. One, I later learned was admitted to a mental health facility as a teen...for years. The other, I later learned had a friend get shot in the head by his other friend at age 13, and he immediately started drinking to cope. He had a major alcohol problem and ofcourse has all kinds of unresolved emotional issues. I learned he also hit his ex girlfriend. He had a criminal history of drunk driving. If I'd looked, I would have known some of this, but only the stuff after 18, and what was reported/documented. It might have been a good idea, but I was 23 and a far too naive and trusting.

and GUESS WHAT? I have another date this week! I'm feeling oh so brave lately. I met this guy on a personals site a friend told me about as being the best one. I've decided I just don't like the online profiling right now, but he was cute enough for me to create a handle and contact. He says I'm his first date on the site, and that it's his only site. He's new to it. He was on the first page I looked at, and I laughed out loud at his profile almost all the way through. We've been emailing, and he is really very funny. If nothing else, I have really enjoyed his hilarious writing style! I have a much clearer good feeling about this one. If this one doesn't seem promising after the date, I'll take a break until after the holiday. How exhasting...this dating thing! I'm meeting him for breakfast at a coffee shop. I've decided to reserve fancier dinners for people I'm sure I like. The dinner and drinks ordeal is waaaay out of my budget.

Wait, it's December. New dating thread??
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#11 of 156 Old 12-01-2006, 10:30 PM
 
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[QUOTE=browneyedsol;6667989]I met this guy on a personals site a friend told me about as being the best one. I've decided I just don't like the online profiling right now, but he was cute enough for me to create a handle and contact. QUOTE]

What personals site is it? I need to start browsing
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#12 of 156 Old 12-02-2006, 02:33 AM
 
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Good luck, browneyedsol!
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#13 of 156 Old 12-02-2006, 05:24 AM
 
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i met a cute painter tonight. he approached me at this performance i went to go check out. its so weird to be so cynical though. it kind of ruins the fun. i liked him enough to then follow him and some mutual friends to a bar to hear some music, so i could learn more about him. ugh. i totally think he is nice & interesting & cute but i want to run away from it. i have his number, he has mine. we are supposed to get together to talk about doing an art project together. i gave him mine cuz after ha gavem me his i was imagning that i might not call. not cuz i dont like him, but because i kind of do like him, but i dont know if i am even ready to try to make a new FRIEND right now much less anything else. does this make sense? i feel so distant from people. my friend who is younger than me and a male, the one i said was so nice to have around, well he has decided to flip out on me ... i dont even know why. one minute he is affectionate and kind and telling me he loves me ( as a friend) and the next moment he is cold. i am sick of that, and am no longer calling him. so i feel raelly turned off of even having a friend right now. but i am getting a little lonely, truth be told.

so i am not sure what will happen. this person i met tonight doesnt know about ds, knows nothing about me really. so there are still plenty of things that will possible make investing time in getting to know him not worth it. he seems close to my age. and did i say a painter. OMG. just a couple weeks ago a friend was telling me "poets should only date painters" , then i meet one. ( i am a poet) .

but who knows. he could be mean or something. it all seems like such a gamble, sometimes i dont know...

but man, he has the kind of sparkly eyes i just crush on really bad.
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#14 of 156 Old 12-02-2006, 05:28 AM
 
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ps i feel kind of chubby and gross and pmsing so i dont get why this person even approached me! my self esteem is in the toilet. i even feel UBER paraniod i had bad breath! i didnt go out to try to meet anyone.so thats weird to me.
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#15 of 156 Old 12-02-2006, 11:19 AM
 
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well, the guy freaed too much. Said I need to learn to trust people, says my family is overprotective, etc. I was frustrated at first, that he wa accusing me of that, but then frustrated that he couldn't just be understanding...understanding of the fact that I have a 4 yr old I need to protect as well, and that I don't WANT to get involved in a relationship before doing a background check. I want to be with someone who says, "wow, never been asked that before..but sure, that's fine with me, I understand you need to protect your family".

So then I felt better after thinking that stuff, because Id *don't* want to date someone who makes such a big deal of it. If you have nothing to hide, why should you care? Now, if in every single email I sounded parranoid about everything and everyone, then yes, I can understand thinking that the girl has serious trust issues, but I haven't.We already talked aobut meeting in person, so obviously I'm not THAT parranoid. oi vei

Oh well, I've been praying a lot about all of this, so I guess I got my answer

Back to the drawing board (if I even have one)
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#16 of 156 Old 12-02-2006, 11:23 AM
 
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oh! and you know what really pisses me off? that whole, "there's someone out there for you...it's not me...but there's someone" or something to that effect.

Makes me feel like they're saying, "I don't know who the hell would want to date you, but it sure as hell ain't me!"

I mean, come one, why does a guy need to say something as stupid as that? Like I NEED for him to tell me that he wasn't my last chance or something??

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#17 of 156 Old 12-02-2006, 11:45 AM
 
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You know, I understand both sides of the issue of the criminal record check.

If it's important to you, then it's good to wait until you find someone that is okay with it. It's likely going to freak a lot of people out...and if you end up dating a few guys over time, it could get expensive. However, if that's the standard that you want to set and it's important to you, then you will find someone that will be okay with it.

I trust my intuition a lot. I also ask a TON of questions and double back in different conversations to make sure the answers are all still the same (liars can't remember all their lies). It's my own system of checks and balances. A person will reveal a lot about themselves if you give them time to talk. I also agree that a criminal record check can lead you into a false sense of security. He may have done things and didn't get caught. So, as long as you are aware of that limitation but know that you'll still end up having to rely on your instincts. Meeting someone's friends and family will also tell you a lot about a person, so it's good to meet them and talk to them too.

Good luck.
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#18 of 156 Old 12-02-2006, 11:47 AM
 
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oh! and you know what really pisses me off? that whole, "there's someone out there for you...it's not me...but there's someone" or something to that effect.

Makes me feel like they're saying, "I don't know who the hell would want to date you, but it sure as hell ain't me!"

I mean, come one, why does a guy need to say something as stupid as that? Like I NEED for him to tell me that he wasn't my last chance or something??
I'd give him a break on that one. At least he said something. Many men are just cowards and don't even say they're not interested anymore. It's hard to break it off with someone. I know I've said things too that probably sound stupid or condescending. It's like you want the other person to feel somewhat better. Breaking up with someone is hard, so I'd cut him some slack on that one.
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#19 of 156 Old 12-02-2006, 01:50 PM
 
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Hi Everyone! Happy December!

mountain, sounds like a really nice development of your relationship, and nope, I'm definitely keeping the baby vibes to myself! Don't want to get any of you ladies into trouble. BTW, we have NO idea how we conceived, I just put a poll up in the I'm Pregnant forum about it, so if ya'll want to enter a guess/idea, feel free!

stirringleaf, when the time is right, it will feel right. Glad you're getting out and having a good time, but I wouldn't feel too much pressure about the whole dating thing. But the art project sounds fun!

Blessed, about background checks, I always pretty much do my own, you can do a google search to begin with, then if you know the counties someone has lived in, you can usually go to the clerk of courts website and search for them. It's not perfect, but enough to give me some sense. Also, it's usually something I ask people about, whether they have a criminal record. Did you ever talk to him about it? People are usually pretty honest, I've found, or at least, it seemed that way. But I also think MsChats is right, and that truly listening to your intuition is probably the best thing, because you can keep checking into your intiution over time.

JustVanessa, please let us know how you're doing! That uncertainty must be miserable. If you get to the point of needing a test, the dollar store test I used was sensitive to 25miu, which is the best there is.

browneyedsol, sounds fun to have another date, please share! You really are getting out there!

Sunnybaby, sorry you were cheated on, but it's so much better to learn that quickly about a person, rather than in the long run.



Oh, and btw ladies...my beau asked me to marry him last night! I'm excited, nervous, and also calm. Craziness, eh??
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#20 of 156 Old 12-02-2006, 02:18 PM
 
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WooHOO!!!!! Where is that dancing banana?
Not pregnant. Aunt Flo came last night. I was at bf's house when it did. After it did, I told him about how worried I was. He said that if I was pregnant he wouldn't be stressed at all cuz he wants to have babies with me. Where is the fainting smilie?
After the scare I had I do have to say I thought about being with him long term and babies etc. and I had a positive feeling about it (even though the timing is all wrong). Its really nice to know that he is feeling similar feelings about our future together. So who knows, maybe there are more babies in my future.
Jster- In Canada, you have to buy preggo tests from a pharmacy. If there is no pharmacist at Safeway, they lock them up. Bizarre. Like you need a pharmacist to pee on a stick.
Congrats on the proposal!!!!!!! Did you accept?

Stirringleaf- It seems to me, whenever anyone isn't looking to meet someone that is when you actually do! Goodluck.

Vanessa belly.gif, wife to Kev , mama to Byron (5) wild.gif and Billie (2) and  due in June
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#21 of 156 Old 12-02-2006, 02:54 PM
 
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Oh, and btw ladies...my beau asked me to marry him last night! I'm excited, nervous, and also calm. Craziness, eh??

That is a "oh, btw" kind of news??? :
Crazy girl.
Spill the details already!
:
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#22 of 156 Old 12-02-2006, 04:18 PM
 
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Oh, and btw ladies...my beau asked me to marry him last night! I'm excited, nervous, and also calm. Craziness, eh??
We're gonna need some details! What did you say??!

Zen doula-mama to my spirited DS1 (2/03), my CHD (TAPVR) warrior DS2 (6/07) & a gentle baby girl (8/09)
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#23 of 156 Old 12-02-2006, 06:07 PM
 
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Oh of course, what did you say Jstr?

And that is great Vanessa, it sounds like you have a very supportive boyfriend.
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#24 of 156 Old 12-02-2006, 10:59 PM
 
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mountain, sounds like a really nice development of your relationship, and nope, I'm definitely keeping the baby vibes to myself! Don't want to get any of you ladies into trouble
Aw, sweetheart, you're not in trouble...that's outdated! I would love to be where you're at, b/c you two have been together longer than me & my beau!

How did he ask you to marry him?
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#25 of 156 Old 12-03-2006, 12:34 AM
 
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Okay, some details...we've been talking about it a bit, of course because of the circumstances (and my mind was daydreaming even before then, kind of along the lines of a Dr. Suess Would you? Could you?) And after the girls were asleep and we had some time to ourselves, we talked a bit about our thoughts on marriage (which we'd already talked about). I guess one of the neatest things is how realistic he is, he feels that sickness is more when you need your marriage than health, that it's at those low points, when it's the hardest, that it's the most valuable and valid. And he shows that every day in our relationship...he lets the little frustrations of daily life flow past and keeps his focus on the bigger picture.

He asked me on the futon, where our baby was concieved and almost all of our, ahem, fun happens. It was sweet, punctuated by many kisses, and a little bit of small talk, and then the most beautiful open expression as he asked me to marry him. I said YES! and back to more kisses...we just melted together. We've discussed a few more details of when, where, what kind, but still haven't made any definite decisions. Just so many factors to try to balance, like my school schedule, finding some time for a honeymoon while the girls are in a safe place, etc., but we both want something outside in nature, intimate, comfortable. He doesn't want to dress up, and that's fine, I think I might invest some time in making wedding outfits for us...at least some sort of nice flowing ceremonialish shirt for him, a dress for me, and dresses for the girls. I think it would be neat to put something into it. Though maybe there's someone else I need to sew for as well, as I've gotton rid of most of my baby things. So far, my beau and the girls want a boy, I'll just take whoever we get, it'll be interesting! And I'm sort of throwing around the idea of UC...last birth was at home, and I think with the proper loving support I'd be totally fine on my own, we're talking about it. In fact, it was a thought I had from the very beginning of our relationship, perhaps because we talk so much about self-sufficiency, I've thought all along that I could envision us sharing birth together.

Think it's time to update my siggy!
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#26 of 156 Old 12-03-2006, 12:41 AM
 
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Aww, that is so beautiful Jen! It sounds like you've really got a keeper! I'm so glad to hear that you have been so blessed and may you & your family continue to be! I hope that I eventually will find the same happiness.
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#27 of 156 Old 12-03-2006, 09:52 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Jster, I'm so excited for you !!!! That is so exciting

I hope you'll continue to check in with us here in the SP forum, your presence would be missed, but I'm soo happy...you've brought a smile to my face.

                                Whatever will be, already is...
 
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#28 of 156 Old 12-03-2006, 12:34 PM
 
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Congratulations, Jster!!!!!! I am sooooo happy for you! All of you!
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#29 of 156 Old 12-03-2006, 03:56 PM
 
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Holy! Congrats Jster! Very sweet. Enjoy riding the tiger! Keep us posted as all your plans unfold!

Lots going on when we're supposed to be shopping, decorating cookies and Christmas carolling.

About the "I know there's someone out there for you." I say this to people and mean it from the heart, especially my awesome girlfriends who deserve the best and I believe will have it eventually! ...but I've sort of been on your side of this, too. I think I get how you're feeling about it. I had really fallen for a guy a few years ago, and after some itimacy that happened on occasion for a year, and a year of trying to figure out what was happening and really hoping for happy ever after (sincerely for like, the second time in my life because I've never been married) he finally said, "I love you but I'm not IN love you." oh, and "It's not you. It's me."
...I flippin' died. I cried on the floor. I dyed my hair black (I had very long virgin healthy golden brown hair and ruined it. It's still recovering). Those little worn our phrases can be taken different ways, I think. I think it depends on our experiences, tone, perception, etc. He felt badly afterward, when he realized how hard it hit me...though I still don't think he knows how hard it hit me...and I don't think he felt bad enough.

Next date, tuesday morning! Onward and upward!
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Thanks for letting us live vicariously through you Jen! That sounds so sweet, I especially like that you wrote about melting into each other...it's almost as if when people are truly meant to be married, it's already there...and the ceremony is simply outward confirmation.

It's particularly challenging to 'melt' with the man that I'm in love with because he has so many serious reservations...I see a lot of these vanishing in the space of love--our intimacy has grown so deeply that it's a bit scary---TIME FOR A DISAGREEMENT, already!

Yesterday i took a big ole 4 hour long test & he came over to see me. We were lying on my bed talking & my dd came in and started freaking all over us...it was so nice--and I could tell he was enjoying it until he stopped himself. He says lots of really positive things about families, and I just have this strange peace about it that we are growing together like that with time and care...

Well off to do wonderful Sunday things...laundry & enchilada sauce...

We'll be hoping right along with you Browneyedsol!!!! Upward is right!!!

Oh, I just wanted to say right quick that I am so proud of all us mamas who didn't let FEAR overcome us. I was just reading a hugely sad post in PAP that says, I would leave, but I know no one would want me, I could never find anyone...blah blah blah. We are living proof, and even though it's not easy it's SO MUCH BETTER TO LIVE YOUR DREAMS! There is so much possiblity.
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