Update on my life~ - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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Old 12-21-2006, 08:13 AM
 
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She's going to keep him occupied while you get away. She's a gift to you; angels sent her.

Don't bother hating her: she didn't break any vows to you, he did, and if it wasn't her, it would be someone else. Obviously, she sees things from HIS viewpoint, so just ignore her--delete her messages unread. Change your number.

And him? Well, he's gone, Avani. He's got a new girlfriend. That's probably why he can hug you like it's all okay: he's moved on, and you mean nothing to him now. Sorry to say it so brutal, but it's brutal time for you.

The children love their father... well, yes, sure they do. And they love their mother and they can see what is going on. Who can explain your son's comment about their dad and girlfriend not arguing all weekend? What does that mean? The kids want to live happy, peaceful lives; I'm sure they'd prefer it was you and their dad, but that is not possible, clearly. I'm sure they are very wierded out by what's going on, but they just spent a relatively peaceful weekend with their dad and a woman who is drunk with delusion herself about what kind of a guy she's got on her hands.

Life has thrown you a curve ball; you have to decide now if you're going to take a swing or hope for a better pitch. You might not get one. I think you need to SWING right now before Girlfriend wises up and sends him back to your house. And boy, will he be mad at you then. And if the kids end up getting hurt, Avani... the State could well blame you for exposing them to known danger, imprison you, and take them from you. You, Earthmama, are what stands between your children and potential harm from an abusive man. You gave birth to five children... you can move MOUNTAINS to get your babies to fresh air. Make them proud, show them how to stay safe, show them that you WILL be there for them for the rest of their lives.

It is no longer your business how they will interact with their father in the future... your business is ensuring their safety today and for the next few years while you take a wait and see attitude about Daddy and his mental health. The kids might "be mad" at you, blame you, etc., but, that's just normal lashing out and not to be taken personally. They will understand later on, what you did for them. Or not. Does it matter? Isn't it just enough that you will have kept your children safe and kept their beloved mother safe, and maybe their dad coincidentally out of jail for harming you, by not being anywhere he could get to you?

Batter up!

VF


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Originally Posted by Avani View Post
You know the cops said being a felon meant nothing.

The girlfriend has been texting me some sweet messages.I am delusional and using my children as pawns.I am a waste of a person who is going to make everyone want to kill themselves.She seems like a great lady huh?
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Old 12-21-2006, 01:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks,i'm crying.I mean that in good,emotional way.Kim and Dado i miss you ladies,i really am sorry for being such a failure in not leaving sooner.

I formulated a plan with my friend the other day.She lives 12 hours north of me in the same state.I am driving up there and getting the order there.That way i can't get in trouble for leaving the state,i'm 12 hours away from him and only 5 hours south of my FIL.On Monday(xmas day)my ex husband is flying in and is going to help me drive there.But of course the problem being that i have to stay here that long.I was hoping to let the kids have xmas and then get my ex from the airport here on monday.Is that dumb?Should i scrap that and go?Husband left here yesterday morning and we haven't seen him since.I am petrified of him filing something in the next 2 days before we go.Chances are 50-50 he would.That is all i need is until Monday.Two things ladies,be honest,should i just get the hell out now?And pray for me,for the strength to do this and for my plans to fall perfectly in place like i hope them to.

He knows about the text messages and i am sure he went to his girlfriends yesterday to smooth things over.Or there was a big drug deal going down.Or both.For someone who asked his plea deal of the felony charge occured the beginning of december and he is actually convicted as of Jan 18th.

Courage,strength...i need these.
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Old 12-21-2006, 02:48 PM
 
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Oh sweets, there are many things I think, but one of them is not that you are a failure.

The best thing you can do for yourself is have a plan for your leaving and a safetly net behind you at that moment. Most abuse occurs when someone is trying to leave (as you have witnessed) so I would make sure you have that support before hand. As far as him applying for something like a restraining order, he needs proof that you have been abusive. And he is convicted the 18tyh meaning he is going to jail then? I think I might wait until you have your plan. You can start packing the things you really need. Hide them so he does not know what you are doing if he returns. Leave with your ex on christmas day. Or call the abuse hotline and get advice.

And I so understanding wanting to stay for your children, because they love him so much, but sweets, that is just not logical. Think about what you are teaching them by staying. Think of the example you are showing of a relationship. You are showing them that you and they have no worth. By staying you are saying his actions are acceptable. The best gift you can give them and yourself is to get out for good. I hear the fear of having nothing, but I think it is a trick of the mind. What you know now, no matter how horrible it is, it is what is familar. And it is hard to leave the familiar and go to the unknown. But you are living in fear of the future instead of dealing with the fear of the moment.

I will stand by and keep holding your hand, but the choice has to be yours.
much love~
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Old 12-21-2006, 03:02 PM
 
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I do not know what county you are in- so here is a listing af agencies you can call to ask questions. Find out your rights.

http://www.brokenspirits.com/directo...?state=CA&c=US
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Old 12-21-2006, 04:03 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Avani View Post
I formulated a plan with my friend the other day.She lives 12 hours north of me in the same state.I am driving up there and getting the order there.That way i can't get in trouble for leaving the state,i'm 12 hours away from him and only 5 hours south of my FIL.
Staying with your friend is the perfect solution! Absolutely awesome!

Quote:
On Monday(xmas day)my ex husband is flying in and is going to help me drive there.But of course the problem being that i have to stay here that long.I was hoping to let the kids have xmas and then get my ex from the airport here on monday.Is that dumb?Should i scrap that and go?Husband left here yesterday morning and we haven't seen him since.I am petrified of him filing something in the next 2 days before we go.Chances are 50-50 he would.That is all i need is until Monday.Two things ladies,be honest,should i just get the hell out now?And pray for me,for the strength to do this and for my plans to fall perfectly in place like i hope them to.
Well, here is the thought that comes to my mind - I think it is highly likely that your STBX will show up on or the night before Christmas to see his kids. I get the strongest gut feeling that is what he plans to do. He could make your move and the holiday pure h*ll, and can make things extremely dangerous. He could attack your exDH or you. However, your exDH that is flying in would be a wondeful huge help to you for the drive, and can offer you some protection. If I were in your shoes, here are some options I might do:

1) Find a cheap hotel (if it is not already fully booked for the holidays), MDC mama, or shelter in the nearest town to stay at until exDH comes in to town. Spend Christmas with the kids. The very next morning, finish the drive up to the friend's house.

2) This one is much harder - leave now and make the 12 hour drive by yourself to your friends house. Have your exDH meet you at your friends house for emotional support and to spend Christmas with the kids and you.

3) Is it at all possible for your friend to meet you halfway? Or take a greyhound bus ride down to where you are and drive back up with you?

Basically, in my honest opinion, if I were you I would leave the house now. The longer you wait, the chances go up that STBX will show back up. Leave really late at night or super early in the morning would be best. Less traffic, less people noticing you leave, and the kids can sleep through any driving. Take as much money in cash you can, and spread it out among your possessions. Take only enough clothes for everyone for three days (you can always buy or be given more clothes later). Pack needed medications, any emergency medical supplies (bandages), important documents (such as marriage license, tax information, bills in your name, car insurance papers, etc.), snacks and water for the road, a list of contact information with some change for a payphone, and take with you the knowledge that you are a strong powerful woman. You can do this!
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Old 12-21-2006, 04:28 PM
 
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Avani, sweet mama, hang in there. You are doing an AMAZING job. YOU CAN DO THIS!

Your plan with your friend and your exDH sounds good, but like the pp I'm worried your h will show up to see or try to take the kids for XMAS. Can your friend meet you halfway? It seems the sooner you go, the safer it will be. I know a 12 hour drive with 5 kids seems daunting to say the least, but it is NOTHING compared to what could happen if you stay. I think it's a GREAT idea to file for the RO once you're 12 hours away. You haven't left the state, but you're far enough away (and I assume he doesn't know where this friend is?) to be safe.

I just can't help feeling in my gut that you should go now, that even waiting 4 days may be too long.... Right now, your h thinks he's intimidated you into staying and that you wouldn't dare leave -- take the opportunity when he's not watching your every move to go.

My prayers and thoughts are with you and your sweet kids. If you do make it to FIL's, let me know. I'm just a couple of hours from there and know some MDC mamas in the area where your FIL lives.
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Old 12-21-2006, 07:22 PM
 
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Think of what a relief it would be to wake up Xmas morning & it's done. You could start now & be there. I know long drives are hell... do you have gas $? Money for a night's motel? Snacks, water, & diapers? Good luck, friend. You are not a failure, just a work in progress, like the rest of us. We just want you to be a LIVE work in progress.
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Old 12-21-2006, 08:48 PM
 
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go now. if he files for divorce before you leave the county, he may be able to keep you there. not to mention that he is highly likely to show up for christmas and if you leave while he is there the potential for danger to you or the kids is much higher. just get out now.

mom to four lively children. birth and postpartum doula. midwifery student. choosing to enjoy life. :
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Old 12-22-2006, 01:35 AM
 
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Ooohhh...I went to file for re-mod of visitation on Dec 11th and the clerk found that he had filed on the 9th........Just FYI...
I would just be nice and quiet and leave. Even if he does file you have time to get out of there....At least I think so. He probably doesn't think you will do anything so close to Christmas......I will send you love and good blessings...
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Old 12-22-2006, 03:20 AM
 
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I am really glad you got your children back unharmed. Take good care of yourself!!
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Old 12-22-2006, 05:37 AM
 
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He isn't home?

All the kids are with you?

I would leave immediately. Right. Now.

Mother is the word for God on the hearts and lips of all little children--William Makepeace Thackeray
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Old 12-22-2006, 06:35 AM
 
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make a list of things you want to bring, get it ready, go.

VF
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Old 12-22-2006, 07:34 AM
 
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Go, baby. Go now. Take a deep breath and go.
You are not a failure, I never meant to make you feel that. You weren't ready, now you are.
I am so glad you have a plan and a friend.
Go, and may your angels go with you.
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Old 12-22-2006, 12:39 PM
 
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Nobody here thinks you are a failure, we all believe in you and know that you can make this work!!!! Use all of our love and strength to keep you going. You have a plan and a goal, it CAN happen. I am so glad you have a friend to go to.

Whoever said that the "girlfriend" is a godsend is right, let him focus on her and leave you the hell alone. He will not get your kids, he is a felon. Don't let him make you think otherwise.
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Old 12-22-2006, 04:04 PM
 
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rebecca I do not think you are a failure. not in the least.
please do go, because the kids will celebrate christmas whenever you tell them its christmas. much love - xoxo dado
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Old 12-22-2006, 06:33 PM
 
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Pack what you CANNOT live without. Your children. Get in the car and go to your friend's.

"stuff" can be replaced. Your life, and the lives of your children, cannot.

I once knew a family which had their house burn down. They lost EVERYTHING - including one son. Do NOT let your X come back (or have someone else) at night and decide life with his new g.f. would be better without additional children.

You are a STRONG WOMAN. 5 hours in the car is NOTHING. 10 TV shows. Please go before Christmas. You deserve better.
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Old 12-24-2006, 06:49 PM
 
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Any updates? I hope you and your children are safe.
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Old 12-27-2006, 07:36 PM
 
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checking in on you mama.
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Old 12-29-2006, 02:17 PM
 
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I'm hoping you are safe.
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Old 12-30-2006, 02:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Just wanted to update with i am ok and i can't post here for awhile.Someone broke into my secure user on my computer and went looking for info.So all thoughts and plans have to be kept to myself until i am where i need to be.I should be able to post here again shortly.Thanks mamas for the help and support.
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Old 12-30-2006, 10:39 PM
 
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email a moderator. I've read of this happening before.

Stay strong, momma.
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Old 12-31-2006, 06:19 AM
 
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Just wanted to update with i am ok and i can't post here for awhile.Someone broke into my secure user on my computer and went looking for info.So all thoughts and plans have to be kept to myself until i am where i need to be.I should be able to post here again shortly.Thanks mamas for the help and support.
:

I second e-mailing a mod. Glad to hear you are ok. Hang in there!
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Old 12-31-2006, 11:16 PM
 
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: for you

♥ blogger astrologer mom to three cool kiddos, and trying to figure out this divorce thing-- Blossom and Glow ♥

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Old 12-31-2006, 11:38 PM
 
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Hang in there, you're doing great! : for you and your kids.

: I am a woman of faith; a mother; a writer. :
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Old 01-01-2007, 03:45 PM
 
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Yes, prayers and hugs from us, too.
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