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#1 of 85 Old 12-18-2006, 03:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hey mama's,i lost internet for a few days and i am back.So i'll start with last thursday.I sat husband down and said we need to come up with a plan here because i do not want to stay here anymore and we can't afford to live here anyways.I brought up his dad offering his help out of state.He was quiet and said he needed to think about it.I told him he had been thinking for a month and i needed an answer then.He was still quiet.Then i asked if his girlfriend had something to do with this situation and he said yes.I got angry at him and told him his little fling should have no bearing on doing what was best for our children.He disagreed.We fought and he grabbed my neck and started pushing me around.I grabbed my phone to call 911,he grabbed it and hid it.I ran downstairs to get to a neighbors house.He prevented me from getting out the door and was grabbing me and pushing me.Luckily the kids were playing outside and heard nothing but i had the baby in my arms i finally broke away and ran to the nearest neighbor and went into their house yelling to call 911.He ran after me and was still screaming at me and telling them i was being irrational and not to call.She did,the cops took 15 minutes to show which during that time he belittled me.They come and ask what was happening and because they saw no marks they said there wasn't anything they could do.I could get a restraining order but it can take a little time with the courts to do so.So i told them i would go right then and they left.When i pulled out with the kids husband came running up to the car and banging on the windows.As i drove off he jumped on top of my car and wouldn't get down.He was on top for about a mile and when i got to a stop sign a man pulled up and asked if i needed him to call 911 and i said yes,now.Husband told him no that i was leaving the state with his kids and not to listen to me.The guy drove off.Husband asked me to please speak rationally with him so we could come up with a solution.He said if i did not file a restraining order he would let me move to his dad's.I agreed if he wrote up a document we could notarize.The next morning he decides he is taking 2 of our kids to his mom's for the weekend and i refused.He called the cops saying i was preventing him from his 'visitation' with the kids and i was abusive and out of control.He was making up so much shit it was ridiculous.The same 2 cops from the day before showed up.They said i should have gotten the restraining order and that i could not prevent husband from going to his moms.So that day his mom picked him and my kids up.On saturday i called all day to talk to them,nothing.The next day i finally got a call from my son who informed me that husband's girlfriend and her son were there.They all spent the day together then his dad and his girlfriend took off for a football game while grandma took all the kids to a movie and a toy store.They got back to the house at midnight and girlfriend was staying the night.So husband had said he would have kids home by sunday and would not have his girlfriend around them.Instead he is still not here,his girlfriend stayed the night there,and his mom kept my kids out till midnight.They are 4 and 6 BTW.I feel humilated,hurt and pissed.Supposedly they are showing up today and if husband does not outright say i can move to his dad's i'm heading for the restraining order to fight the bastard.I have bruises all over my arms from him and hopefully they believe me.I feel stupid.I should have gotten it but i wanted the ok to move.He better say i can.I have been crying all night and feel awful.Thanks for listening.
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#2 of 85 Old 12-18-2006, 03:14 PM
 
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so many 's mama...get the restraining order and get away from him.

i have been following your story and could no longer not reply (i am in my own situation that does not allow me to use my computer privately)
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#3 of 85 Old 12-18-2006, 03:16 PM
 
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Oh, Mama. I am so sad for you right now. But I also can't help but see how positive your every action is and will be for you and your babies. This horrible episode will be far behind you soon, as you create a new and magical life for yourself and your babies! I'm sending love and support your way, sweet Mama. Your dignity and strength are intact! You're doing the right things.
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#4 of 85 Old 12-18-2006, 03:45 PM
 
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(((((((((((Avani)))))))))))

Do you have a vehicle? If so, go get your other kids and get out. Don't go back to that house.

If you don't, sit tight, get an order of Protection on behalf of you and the kids. He will have x amount of time to get the other kids back to you.

It will work out.

Stop trusting him. Stop acting out of fear. He can't harm you or your kids. Keep reminding yourself of that b/c it's true. In the end, you will win out. You will be fine. Your kids will be fine.

Take pics of your bruised arms. Did he belittle you in front of the neighbor? If so, ask him/her to come with you when you speak to the judge or to write down what s/he saw and heard and have it notarized.

You'll be fine. Your kids will be fine.

Remember: You don't need his permission to do anything. He recognizes that he has power in this equation. All the power b/c you keep waiting on him to do something in order for you to make a move. Take your power back! You don't need him or his permission. Go to a women's shelter if you have to, just know that YOU ARE FIERCE. And, he is nothing. He knows it, that's why he's acting this way. Buck up, chica. It's going to be hard, no matter what he says or does. He will fight to keep his possessions. He will fight to keep his life.

You must fight, too.

Be smart, be strong, and get out. You'll be fine.

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#5 of 85 Old 12-18-2006, 03:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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The police that came said that my situation did not warrant a protective order.They saw no emergency reason for it.They also told me that unless i had a note from my husband leaving the state that i would get charged with kidnapping.I was under the impression that with no papers filed this was not so.So i am not sure if the cop was dumb or trying to scare me.
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#6 of 85 Old 12-18-2006, 03:54 PM
 
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They can't tell you what you do or don't have enough of for a PO. That's what the judge is for.

File for it. You don't have to leave the state to do that. There are a number of things I think you should do before you leave the state, anyway. I wouldn't go live with my STBX's father at this point in the situation. I would consider that a risk.

I would go to a women's shelter...domestic violence shelter...as soon as I got my other kids back. And, I would let the women that work there do what they do to get me safe. After all the paperwork is in motion, you're on your way to a divorce, etc., maybe leave the state. Ask the judge when you have your initial PO hearing. Tell him you only have one place to go, if that's what you want to do.

I suggest you go to a DV shelter, tho. I think you will come out ahead in the end. It's good to leave a paper trail, esp. when dealing with this sort of thing.
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#7 of 85 Old 12-18-2006, 04:05 PM
 
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Lucy is right.

It would be best to get yourself to a domestic violence shelter. They have room and clothes, they have counselors, they have lawyers and they offer support. These are all things you need right now.

Can you imagine if this continues? He could seriously hurt you and your kids could be left without you and left to be raised by this man, who hurt their mom, has this girlfriend in their lives while he's still pretending to be married and that will be your chidlren's lives. Is that really what you want?

How bad does this situation have to get before you are willing to take action?
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#8 of 85 Old 12-18-2006, 05:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by MsChatsAlot View Post
How bad does this situation have to get before you are willing to take action?
yes,i know,what?part of me feels like him killing me would at least end all this suffering for me.I know not for the kids though.I just talked to him and he says that when the kids are with him they are so happy and i just stress them out.He hasn't left yet to bring them home.I hate him.
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#9 of 85 Old 12-18-2006, 05:30 PM
 
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Avani,

You sound down. Get outside and sit in the sun. Take a deep breath. Keep breathing.

Now, resolve to stop listening to your exDH. Resolve to stop talking with your exDH.

After a few minutes of breathing, pick up the phone and call the shelter.
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#10 of 85 Old 12-18-2006, 05:38 PM
 
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Originally Posted by emma_goldman View Post
Avani,

You sound down. Get outside and sit in the sun. Take a deep breath. Keep breathing.

Now, resolve to stop listening to your exDH. Resolve to stop talking with your exDH.

After a few minutes of breathing, pick up the phone and call the shelter.

PLEASE, do this while he is gone. They can help you get your kids back, because I fear he is not bringing them back and he is leading you on. I was thinking before that the dad would be a good idea (since he seems to realize his son needs help), but at this point it may be too late for that. I know you are a strong woman - you can do this!
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#11 of 85 Old 12-18-2006, 05:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Really how can i not be down?He left me when i was pregnant,hooked up with someone we both know and now has my 2 kids down at his moms house hanging out with all of them.Grandma,girlfriend,my husband and kids.Now i have a newborn and a daughter in a wheelchair and he keeps telling me how fabulous his life is.We have 5 kids together and he throws it all away for a tall skinny girl with dreads.With a kid to boot.This man can't father his own children and he is adding another one to his brood.Seriously,how can i not feel down?I wish someone could show up,help me pack and drive and punch him in the face when he shows up.
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#12 of 85 Old 12-18-2006, 05:44 PM
 
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I really don't believe that he can have you charged with anything for leaving the state with your kids if there is no custody agreement in place. Those cops sound like jerks. Call a domestic violence shelter. They can give you information about all of this.

Good luck.
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#13 of 85 Old 12-18-2006, 05:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hey Zamber,i used to drive through clinton township all the time to head to ANn Arbor.My ex inlaws(whom i am close with) live in Monroe.
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#14 of 85 Old 12-18-2006, 05:54 PM
 
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I wish someone could show up,help me pack and drive and punch him in the face when he shows up.
Call the shelter. They will help you make any arrangements that you want to make. And that act will be a punch in your exDH's face.
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#15 of 85 Old 12-18-2006, 05:56 PM
 
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Hey Zamber,i used to drive through clinton township all the time to head to ANn Arbor.My ex inlaws(whom i am close with) live in Monroe.
Small world!

Quote:
I wish someone could show up,help me pack and drive and punch him in the face when he shows up.
If you still lived in my state, I would be at your doorstep ready to pack your things. However, SoCal (I think that is where you said you were - I may be wrong on this one) is a LONG ways away from here. If you were to post over at the finding your tribe forum, I am willing to bet that you will be answered by many moms who would help you. Is he still taping your phone conversations? If he is, and you want me to contact the ex-inlaws for any reason to let them know what is going on (or your family), let me know.
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#16 of 85 Old 12-18-2006, 06:00 PM
 
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aww hugs to you. I would write everything down and take pictures, the neighbour you ran too, did they see him yelling at you and chasing the car?
Could you get them to write something up as being a witness?
I wish you the best for you and your children. You need to get out of this situation now!!
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#17 of 85 Old 12-18-2006, 06:33 PM
 
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Please, stop talking to him, stop trying to make agreements/deals with him.

Its like arguing or trying to be reasonable with a drunk person.
Stay away from him!

Have you called any shelters or domestic violence places yet?

FWIW, I got a restraining order on my ex and all I had to do was go down to the police station and make a statement. It only said that in the situation that was happening at the time, I was scared of him as he had been abusive/violent in the past and he had guns and I was scared he was going to kill or at least threaten me with them. (I really was scared he was going to kill me.) They typed up the order, called a judge who authorized it and came and signed it. They then went and served him. Didn't take but a couple of hours.
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#18 of 85 Old 12-18-2006, 07:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So i go to the police station?I asked the cops where to go and they said to head to the court house.They never gave me a case number but i assume it is written up somewhere.If i go to the courthouse can they pull up the file or what do i do.I am heading to pick up my other two kids right now(he is meeting me half way with his girlfriend) and then tomorrow morning i will head to the shelter.
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#19 of 85 Old 12-18-2006, 07:45 PM
 
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Information regarding obtaining a restraining order in SoCal (if that is where you are located:

http://www.msmc.la.edu/include/batte...help-legal.htm

Edited to add: We posted at the same time. I hope you are meeting him in a public place. Is it possible for you to stay in a hotel tonight?
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#20 of 85 Old 12-18-2006, 08:04 PM
 
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You're meeting him halfway?!

I wish you the best. I hope you get your kids. This does not even sound right to me.
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#21 of 85 Old 12-18-2006, 08:07 PM
 
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Oh, and btw, if you have to go to court to get a PO, then it's probably like my state. The DV shelter will help you draw up the paperwork. You don't get a case simply b/c you called the cops. The cops will file their report, tho, and you can get a copy of that report sent to the judge (or they'll tell you to come pick it up and you take it to the judge yourself).

Here, if you want a PO, you sign some papers, they get you in the next mass PO hearing (every Monday here), and the judge signs a temp. PO for you and your kids. Then, he sets up another hearing for you and ex to come together, so ex can contest anything and speak up for himself. The judge decides what to do, then. My judge kept the PO for me and the kids and made it for 2 years (the normal timeframe in my state). Then, that same judge handled all our divorce proceedings.
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#22 of 85 Old 12-18-2006, 08:08 PM
 
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You need the restraining order.

secular classical-ish mama to an incredible 5 year old DS and an amazing 6 year old DD.
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#23 of 85 Old 12-19-2006, 12:20 AM
 
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I hope right now you are somewhere safe with your kids.
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#24 of 85 Old 12-19-2006, 12:26 AM
 
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thinking about you mama.
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#25 of 85 Old 12-19-2006, 12:32 AM
 
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it is time to stop talking to your husband.

do not confront him. do not confide in him. do not tell him of your plans.

push all the issues of how he has hurt you and pissed you off aside for a moment. you can deal with how you feel about all of that later. you are just getting bogged down in it and it is pulling you under.

get out.

while he is gone, pack what is most important to you. take the kids and go to a shelter. do not go back home.

he has crossed the line of really trying to hurt you. it does not get better from here.

tell me again, why is it that you are not at your fil's house yet?

mom to four lively children. birth and postpartum doula. midwifery student. choosing to enjoy life. :
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#26 of 85 Old 12-19-2006, 12:33 AM
 
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you can get a restraining order after going to the shelter.

mom to four lively children. birth and postpartum doula. midwifery student. choosing to enjoy life. :
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#27 of 85 Old 12-19-2006, 12:38 AM
 
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Please document everything and do not speak with him at all. Sit down and, as painful as it may be, write as much down as you can about your relationship with him, including dates and all abusive episodes. Take pictures of bruises ASAP! Also, I would try to record every conversation and/or message he leaves on your answering machine. It may not be admissable to a judge but it might be useful in some way.
I am so so sorry I don't know your whole story but I am pulling for you and your kids.
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#28 of 85 Old 12-19-2006, 01:35 AM
 
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Hey momma....stay strong...even w/ my own bs going on I am still thinking about you alot...I wish I were in socal so I could come over and help you get the eff out of there...please check the link below for resources if you haven't found anything helpful yet. Please get out...xoxo

http://www.safenetwork.net/directory.cfm

True Love is here....to stay!
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#29 of 85 Old 12-19-2006, 01:42 AM
 
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It is so hard to know what you can and can't believe. You've loved and trusted this man and even though you want to, you must know that he is not the same person. It's like your H is gone.

Get the restraining order. Go to his dad's if you feel safe there or wherever else you feel safe. I really feel for you.

Remember- do not trust him! Do whatever you must to keep you and the kids safe!
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#30 of 85 Old 12-19-2006, 01:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So i have my kids back,huge sigh of relief.His girlfriend was waiting there with him and i just grabbed the kids and did not talk to her.She said 'it is so good to see you' to me. : Please,you got involved with my husband while i was pregnant and we have 5 children together.My son ran up to me and in front of girlfriend and husband says 'we had so much fun and it was so nice that dad and girlfriend never argued like you and dad do' .Gee,thanks kiddo.That was something i really needed to hear.The kids were bought an enormous amount of toys(before xmas even) BUT the three kids with me that didn't go with husband didn't get anything.They were dirty and hungry but i'm not holding that against anyone because my kids are back!Then husband tells me how he started the relationship with his girlfriend in the first place so that our son and her son could play together.If i wouldn't have been so jealous of her that he never would have hooked up with her.Mind games.Whatever.Then he just acts like nothing is different between the two of us and tries to hug me and i pull away.I just can not play that way.So i am now making phone calls and figuring out which route to go.
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