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#121 of 172 Old 01-14-2007, 05:20 PM
 
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Kelly- don't feel bad. Maybe he wants to take it slow b/c you are a mama? I think its a respectful thing. I would stick it out too.
Stirringleaf- Thats good that you were able to get your feelings out on the table.

Well, due to interesting circumstances with my ex (see the thread I am going to post after this) Byron got some quality time with bf this weekend. Bf spent the night here with him on Friday night while I worked a graveyard shift, and Byron went to his house for the afternoon yesterday. It went great. Although I had quite a chuckle when I got up Saterday morning and ds's diaper was half on and backwards . It was bf''s very first diapering experience...he even changed poop! My bf told me yesterday night that he loves Byron That makes me so happy.

Vanessa belly.gif, wife to Kev , mama to Byron (5) wild.gif and Billie (2) and  due in June
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#122 of 172 Old 01-14-2007, 05:21 PM
 
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BelovedK - Good luck.

My date totally crashed. After writing me all week and telling me how much he can see me and my son in his life and after a great day of riding bikes together and watching football and taking me around to meet his friends and making love and going to the beach with his son he tells me that he's just not sure that he can handle having someone in his life right now since he has been single for eight years and how he wants to travel and he thinks a three year old does not fit into that equation. I feel like a fool. I was really falling for this guy, I mean I was pretty much in love and imagining living out there in that beautiful house in the country and being with him. whatever. I never usually let me guard down like that but I thought I could with him and he really just led me on. To give him credit, I don't think he did it on purpose. I thought he thought that's what he wanted but he's just too cozy in his bachelor life. so fine. I think I am going to take a break from dating for awhile. Anyway, I hope you have a better time of it than I did.
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#123 of 172 Old 01-14-2007, 05:42 PM
 
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stirringleaf ~ I'm glad it went so well. Now you'll be able to move forward whatever direction that might be.

solareyna ~ sorry to hear that, but definitely better to find out now than in a year! I sometimes think that men who don't have kids don't really know about the commitment to it or whatever until they're faced with a situation that really puts them in the place of thinking about it. If he's really in a more spontaneous lifestyle place, it's better to find out now than later. Still stings though, I know.
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#124 of 172 Old 01-15-2007, 12:03 AM
 
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Hugs to all the ladies who are having heart troubles or confusions! It is SOO hard in the beginnings of a relationship to separate the thrill from the real connection. And it seems like, no matter how frustrating it is to deal with, at least these men are making significant attempts to communicate! That's a great thing! So to all!

Vanessa, glad things are going so well with your bf and son bonding!! It's really wonderful, isn't it?
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#125 of 172 Old 01-15-2007, 09:56 AM
 
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YES! I actually am getting married!!!

Wow! I never knew love could be like this. Everything is so right. So pure. So good.

May 7th, this year!
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#126 of 172 Old 01-15-2007, 10:45 AM
 
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It's nice to see that other women are finding happiness, humour, love, and conversely, learning from the people they date who have big issues. The first person I liked and dated had a vasectomy- he said- and I am pregnant. He won't talk to me as in answer my calls- which I have not had happen to me before- I don't know what to do. I guess I will write him a letter. I think he should be doing all of the relationship work here in order to be at the birth of his child. Even though I do NOT like him anymore and know he must have some big issues it is in everyone's interest if he and I can have some type of friendship as parents. I think he may be the kind of person who will not talk to me until paternity is established. I don't want to go through the birth and pregnancy alone. I have children and friends but not someone I'd like to have a baby with. My kids will be there of course. He has some obligations doesn't he? Ethical ones? I don't know what to do. I want him to be involved because I think he will want to be after the baby is born- with the baby, not with me. In retrospect- what was I thinking? He didn't treat me like he should have or like I should have insisted on.
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#127 of 172 Old 01-15-2007, 11:46 AM
 
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melia6

Yes, he *should* have some ethical obligations, but reality is, no one can make him be involved.

I don't know if he needs time to process things, if he's in denial, if he'll step up to the plate once paternity is established, or what he'll do. The fact is, with his current behavior, I would say you're going to have to plan to go through the pregnancy and birth alone. I think you need to accept that you are on your own with this and do what you need to do for you and do what you need to do to take care of yourself and have this baby, etc. etc.

I've gone through a pregnancy and birth alone and I know I felt scared, unsupported, incapable, etc. at the beginning. But as the pregnancy progressed and as things started to unfold the way they did, it ended up being a wonderful pregnancy and birth.
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#128 of 172 Old 01-15-2007, 11:47 AM
 
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Blessed81902

That is fantastic! I wish you both a life together filled with love, respect and happiness! Congratulations!!!
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#129 of 172 Old 01-16-2007, 12:52 AM
 
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Blessed- Congrats!!!!! Wishing you loads of happiness.

Vanessa belly.gif, wife to Kev , mama to Byron (5) wild.gif and Billie (2) and  due in June
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#130 of 172 Old 01-16-2007, 01:05 AM
 
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do i call him right now or not.

i called earlier, cuz i was thinking of a writing project he brought up that i could do for the magazine he is editing. i wanted to know the deadline so i emailed him yesterday but he rarely ever answers my emails. but regardless by this afternoon when he hadnt replied i started reading into it: is he mad at me? was he telling the truth that the conversation was ok with him? that its ok i have a crush on him , that we can still be friends? suddenly i started feeling like OMG is he avoiding me? i would just stupidly not even get it, since his words said it was ok.

so then i called him at like 4pm. but he didnt answer. this made me kind of ill. most of the recent times he has called back within an hour when i called him, and if he didnt i didnt really think much of it anyways. but today i am now obsessing that he is avoiding me. i want to call him again. and ask him. i cant get off the computer. plus my ex was really abusive tonight. i am in a sad mood.

do i call or not?

or just keep listening to nick drake and crying??? pathetic, i know. it bugs me cuz the summer crush did not feel THIS BAD , even just yesterday. i felt fine. so WTF?
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#131 of 172 Old 01-16-2007, 03:45 AM
 
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ah. so. i called and left a somewhat rediculous message outlining what i said above, and said " now i am worrying that things are not ok, and that just has to be resolved, so call me..unless you are freaked out and dont want to talk to me cuz that would just suck. but if not, you know, call me. "

sort of silly but i called again cuz i figured either hes my friend or not and if he is my friend he will put up with my phone calls. period. so there.

and, he called tonight a little while ago and it is clearly just fine. he didnt get the email. didnt know what i was talking about. and had spent the day with his friend. i am such a worrier. but i am glad i called. and i think i will get more secure in our friendship very soon ... i am glad he was so cheerfuly able to just answer me that things were fine. good enough for me, now i am off to bed, thanking my lucky stars for the friends i know i have, like here on MDC and my really best friend who lives in another state...i am just glad and i dunno proud of myself for standing up for what i needed in 2 very different situations ( the ex being abusive today , in another post)

i am sleepy though...but i wanted to post about this so next time i can read it and go...ohhhh riighhghgght....thats how you get past this stuff: say what you need!!!!!!
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#132 of 172 Old 01-16-2007, 09:05 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Stirringleaf, that's great! I'm glad your friendship seems to be holding up...things like that can be so awkward and troubling if there is no communication. Try not to worry, he sounds like he is being sincere. I'm sorry you're having trouble with your ex, I'll read your other thread



As for me and Joe, he wants to start slowly, and as friends and dance partners. He said that in the past he's rushed into relationships and wants to do things differently with me, he said that he has definate attraction and chemistry with me, and wants to do it right as not to screw up something that may be meant to be

I am still feeling free to pursue other relationships should the come up, but i have no desire to. We are talking about future plans and possibilities, I think feeling each other out. it sounds like he would move my way, his job is good and he said he could commute. He also said that he didn't want me to have to move far from X and the kids grandparents

I really like this one, he meets all of my criteria. I'm not attached to an outcome though. I guess I feel comforted in knowing that it will happen if it's meant to be.

                                Whatever will be, already is...
 
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#133 of 172 Old 01-16-2007, 11:46 AM
 
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Beloved,

That's really the best way to go. Nobody can ever guarantee us that a relationship will work out or not or be everything we want it to be for ever. The best thing to do is give it your all and see what happens. Good luck.

Stirringleaf,

Chill, girlfriend. You are worthy and deserving of wonderful friendships and wonderful relationships. Let go of the outcome and get out of your own way so you can create the relationship and friendships you know you desire!!!!!!
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#134 of 172 Old 01-16-2007, 12:00 PM
 
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Stirringleaf,

Chill, girlfriend. You are worthy and deserving of wonderful friendships and wonderful relationships. Let go of the outcome and get out of your own way so you can create the relationship and friendships you know you desire!!!!!!
what an awesome thing to read in the morning to start my day!!!!!



i pulled an Osho Tarot card yesterday that said the same thing! :

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#135 of 172 Old 01-16-2007, 03:39 PM
 
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Congratulations Blessed!!

I wonder if I forgot to sub or the dating gods are telling me to just forget it, I'm not going to get to date for a while. I am literally surrounded by 3 children almost all the time lately
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#136 of 172 Old 01-16-2007, 04:38 PM
 
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Well I have another date lined up. I thought I was done but I just can't get over the fact that I enjoy going out on dates and meeting new people despite the fact that most of them are idiots or crazy people. Saturday is my birthday and I didn't want to spend it all alone so after I have the party with my family and give my ds to his dad, I will be going out again. This guy sounds genuinely nice so I think it is going to be a good time but I am going into it with no more expectations than that. It will be nice to do something for my birthday regardless of whether it works out or not. (Free dinner and a movie for my birthday - I know I'm shameless)
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#137 of 172 Old 01-16-2007, 06:09 PM
 
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solareyna-Enjoy your birthday!

Kelly- I think its great that your guy wants to take things slow....it shows what head he is actually thinking with

Vanessa belly.gif, wife to Kev , mama to Byron (5) wild.gif and Billie (2) and  due in June
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#138 of 172 Old 01-20-2007, 10:45 AM
 
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Okay....I went back online!

Who knows?!?!? I go on and off all the time. But, it seemed like something said, 'Go on again', so I did. Last time I did, I was on for 4 days and met J (my summer guy), so maybe I'm supposed to meet someone again.

I sent out a few emails last night and this morning woke up to 4 new messages. We'll see if anything develops.
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#139 of 172 Old 01-20-2007, 01:01 PM
 
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Way to get back on the "horse", MsChatsALot!

I used to also go off and on all the time, too. Depended on where I was at, mentally speaking, and what was happening in my life.

Those instincts are amazing little tools...when listened to.
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#140 of 172 Old 01-20-2007, 04:03 PM
 
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I have a date tonight with one of the online guys - I'll let you know how it goes. I also have another guy that lives about two hours away, we've been talking for about three weeks and he swears I am perfect for him and we seem compatible on every level but there is just something holding me back with him. I think it just kind of scares me a bit that he swears we were meant for each other and that he swears he is already falling in love with me. Is that even possible when we have never met? He says he proposed to his ex wife within three weeks of their first date, they were married for ten years so he just seems like he moves fast, but it is flattering that he thinks I am perfect. I'm going to meet him next weekend if the date tonight doesn't pan out. (and of course he is stressed about the date tonight, he thinks he is going to lose me) You can't lose something you never had in the first place. Guess I just need to trust my intuition.
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#141 of 172 Old 01-20-2007, 05:16 PM
 
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solareyna

Have fun.

The other guy...seriously....run! There are so many red flags in what you wrote that I wouldn't even meet with him. My gf dated someone like that and he was a little stalker-ish. Not fun at all.
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#142 of 172 Old 01-20-2007, 07:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am so dissapointed Joe must not really be interested in dating me. He calls me, but doesn't make the effort to come see me, or invite me to see him When I made my list of qualities I wanted in a man, I forgot to say that he should be in love with me, or at least want to be with me. He didn't call yesterday, hasn't called yet today. I feel kind of forgotten. We had a wonderful time last week, I really had high hopes for this one. I guess it's time to move along. btw, I never stopped looking through the other guys online, mostly bc we weren't actually 'dating' I want to keep movement going in that direction.

On another note, my friend, the long time one who I hang around with alot, we talk several times a day (I've been trying to break the habit) kissed me last night we went out and had a great time, he ended the evening with a kiss, it felt right. Who knows what is going to happen. The kiss was innocent, he didn't try anything on me (he would never disrespect me) *sigh*

MsChatsAlot, great that you're getting out there, I'd follow that inner voice. I can't wait to hear

                                Whatever will be, already is...
 
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#143 of 172 Old 01-20-2007, 07:36 PM
 
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I think it just kind of scares me a bit that he swears we were meant for each other and that he swears he is already falling in love with me. Is that even possible when we have never met?
I fell in love with my DP before physically meeting him, which is absolutely crazy for me. My friends and family were completely stunned, as I am very rational person, who does not fall in love very easily or often.

Although, I do admit that when we did meet in person a few months later, I have an amazing experience of falling in love with him all over again. It was a very surreal situation.

BUT...trust your instincts. If you feel he is coming on too strongly, tell him. Be honest. If you don't feel like you can tell him or he reacts to your honesty with contempt, then it might not be the right person for you.
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#144 of 172 Old 01-20-2007, 07:49 PM
 
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MsChatsALot, I just noticed your signature line.

I have that entire poem posted beside my desk, as spoken by Nelson Mandela.

I read it everyday. It is incredibly powerful!
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#145 of 172 Old 01-20-2007, 07:53 PM
 
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(and of course he is stressed about the date tonight, he thinks he is going to lose me) You can't lose something you never had in the first place. Guess I just need to trust my intuition.
I just reread your post, after reading MCAT's post. I thought I may have missed something after I posted my reply, which I did.

This quote above is a HUGE red flag.
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#146 of 172 Old 01-20-2007, 07:58 PM
 
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I have a date tonight with one of the online guys - I'll let you know how it goes. I also have another guy that lives about two hours away, we've been talking for about three weeks and he swears I am perfect for him and we seem compatible on every level but there is just something holding me back with him. I think it just kind of scares me a bit that he swears we were meant for each other and that he swears he is already falling in love with me. Is that even possible when we have never met? He says he proposed to his ex wife within three weeks of their first date, they were married for ten years so he just seems like he moves fast, but it is flattering that he thinks I am perfect. I'm going to meet him next weekend if the date tonight doesn't pan out. (and of course he is stressed about the date tonight, he thinks he is going to lose me) You can't lose something you never had in the first place. Guess I just need to trust my intuition.
I bolded the parts of this post that seemed to alarm me. 3 weeks doesn't add up to much in the grand scheme of things. For all you know he could pick his nose and flick em on the bathroom mirror. He could be a stalker, incredibly desperate for female company, a pedophile etc. I can think of a million things.

Take things VERY VERY carefully with someone who is seeming to tell you what you want to hear.

Vanessa belly.gif, wife to Kev , mama to Byron (5) wild.gif and Billie (2) and  due in June
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#147 of 172 Old 01-21-2007, 03:15 PM
 
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i'm just wondering if anyone here thinks that maybe i'm just wasting my time.

we've been dating for 2.5 years come march. we have a 13m old and i am due in feb.

he is unemployed and has been since we started dating, he is living off a settlement he got when we started dating that is almost completely gone.

he wakes up every morning at 6 and comes home at 8 and goes to bed at 9, to go hunting or fishing. which ever is in season.

he started building me a small 24x40 house two years ago that could be finished if he weren't so selfish. so we are homeless another year and live at my parent's house.

he gives me money for the baby and for food, but most of his money goes towards his 3 boats, 2 jeeps, guns/hunting/fishing, and four wheeler

he refuses to get a job or rent because that would be conforming to the government. (his parents are basically crazy for teaching him this. his dad is really off the wall, he hasn't left his house to go to town the whole time we've been dating. he thinks the gov. is watching him)

he is really dreading the birth of this new baby because he's still not ready to be a dad.

i guess i just don't know how long to wait, i don't want our children to be raised without a father figure. i think it is very important for a child to have a father figure but at the same time i don't want them thinking dad's are never home and all that stuff.

ack... what do i do.

Jarrod & Nataleigh Est. 2004
DD Jayde 2005
DS William 2007
DD Lilleigh 2008
DS Edward 2010
DS Mikah 2012
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#148 of 172 Old 01-21-2007, 03:32 PM
 
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i guess i just don't know how long to wait, i don't want our children to be raised without a father figure. i think it is very important for a child to have a father figure but at the same time i don't want them thinking dad's are never home and all that stuff.

ack... what do i do.


Do you think his portrayal as a father is what you want your kids to see and model? Do you want your kids to grow up thinking that mommy does EVERYTHING while he goes out playing with his toys? Of course kids need their dads and by far no one is perfect, there is no denying that, but his behavior is unacceptable.

Aren't dads supposed to be the one who supports your children both physically and emotionally, aren't they suppose to support their childs mother, shouldn't he provide a stable home enviornment (leaving all day, everyday is NOT stable- it's rather excessive.)

Is he doing any of those? I'm sorry but he doesn't sound like a "dad" at all. He sounds like a little boy in a grown mans body who is obsessed with playing with "big boy toys" and neglecting his families needs and justifying it by some crazy "government scheme". You and your children deserve so much more than that!!

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#149 of 172 Old 01-21-2007, 03:40 PM
 
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I gotta agree with the PP poster here. You are not with an adult, you are "mommy" to a big boy, a baby, with another on the way. He is not a "father figure". He is not modeling any good "father" behaviors.
He is modeling behaviors of a selfish, spoiled brat. If he is not ready to be a "dad", why did you get pg again?
I think it would be best for you and your babies to move on and leave this guy to his toys, and critter killing...
I am sorry you are in this mess.
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#150 of 172 Old 01-21-2007, 03:48 PM
 
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[QUOTE=e123vg;7077970]i guess i just don't know how long to wait, i don't want our children to be raised without a father figure. i think it is very important for a child to have a father figure but at the same time i don't want them thinking dad's are never home and all that stuff.
QUOTE]

From what you've written, your kids are already living without a father figure.
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