February dating thread - Page 5 - Mothering Forums

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#121 of 152 Old 03-02-2007, 08:11 PM
 
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Steph- I hope you have a great time!!!
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#122 of 152 Old 03-02-2007, 11:42 PM
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Originally Posted by OdeToJoy View Post
Because we had talked about love and he said that he doesn't feel it but he hopes to one day be in love with someone. I had told him that I couldn't marry someone (we were talking about marriage) that didn't love me.
Yeah, so then magically, 2 days later he says he feels love for me. He's just desperate to have someone in his life...and it's not about love. Trust me. I know. I'm 40 yrs old and have seen A LOT when it comes to love.
ahhhh thats understandable

and didnt say you ddint silly goose

and if so then can you screen thsoe that say they love me pweese
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#123 of 152 Old 03-02-2007, 11:45 PM
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It sounds like there was something else going on and she wasn't being honest. Dating online is really great....but you have to know what questions to ask and what you really want to know about a person. It's so important.
so true i really just dove in and when we met it was totaly flipped around.

[QUOTE=MsChatsAlot;7446398Being a good guy is great. You just have to find someone who is on the same page as you! It will work. Hang in there....you can have love, real love in your life![/QUOTE]

ITA
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#124 of 152 Old 03-02-2007, 11:51 PM
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I agree with MsChatsAlot- be firm. Don't let him think there is ANY chance of getting together.



I'm sorry you're having a rough time, Suprakid1982. Don't give up- there are some good women out there Heck, I can't tell you how many times in the past few yours I've read on here some single woman cursing up and down that there are no good men out there (and I believed it too!). But look- there are women on this very thread who have met the good ones! So don't lose hope. You'll meet the perfect woman for you some day!
hopfully before im 50 and thanks
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#125 of 152 Old 03-03-2007, 03:28 AM
 
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I'll save any juicy details for after the weekend is over but I'll say I did meet him tonight and he is exactly how I pictured. Actually, we got along better than I expected. We met in a "safe place" (walmart). We walked around for a good 2 hours and, even though I barely have a voice right now, there was not any of that uncomfortable silence that sometimes happens when you first meet someone. Not at all. We were both totally comfortable around each other (and he was able to laugh off my really crappy voice right now and then bought me an "immunity support" smoothie). He got along with Owen about as well as can be expected. Owen is a tough child to interact with, especially if you're meeting him for the first time. But he actually did better than I thought he would (especially considering how late we were out!). I think *J* will make it into Owen's "okay people" book though because he bought Owen a Thomas dvd. There's the way to his heart

Steph, DH Jason (1-1-11), DS Owen (10-3-03) and DS Kai (10-13-11)

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#126 of 152 Old 03-03-2007, 05:22 AM
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I'll save any juicy details for after the weekend is over but I'll say I did meet him tonight and he is exactly how I pictured. Actually, we got along better than I expected. We met in a "safe place" (walmart). We walked around for a good 2 hours and, even though I barely have a voice right now, there was not any of that uncomfortable silence that sometimes happens when you first meet someone. Not at all. We were both totally comfortable around each other (and he was able to laugh off my really crappy voice right now and then bought me an "immunity support" smoothie). He got along with Owen about as well as can be expected. Owen is a tough child to interact with, especially if you're meeting him for the first time. But he actually did better than I thought he would (especially considering how late we were out!). I think *J* will make it into Owen's "okay people" book though because he bought Owen a Thomas dvd. There's the way to his heart


OOOOH GIRL more more no kissie kissie ??!?!?


and sooo great to find out that he was good with owen


oh heres an other odd reason why my ex dumped me:


her exact words


hes more of a kid person im more of an animal person. somewhat odd but okay, what does my profession have to do with my relationship? i usually keep my work and my personal life seperate.
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#127 of 152 Old 03-03-2007, 06:54 AM
 
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and every time I do, some man or men come on to me! I swear, no shower for days, hair is real bad, dirty for days, strait as straw, blonde with roots needing doing, up in a messy, banana clip thing, all my clothes are dirty which I why I'm going to the laundromat, so I'm wearing the ugliest, Eor-butt highwaters I wear when there is nothing else. I pump some gas and Mr. Decent Guy hits on me, "You are a beautiful woman...etc."

It's so hard when that happens. I want to say, "Shut up. Give me a break, can you SEE my stomach? Do you need glasses?," but I hold my tongue and tell myself, "Yes, I am a beautiful woman. I remember, it was fifteen or so years ago, but I remember."

I take his number, thinking, yes, I should THINK this could happen, I could actually appeal to someone again... and I go home and just CAN'T call him. He's not my kind of guy, but he was nice and he was bold and a little shy, and seemed sincere. It would be nice... but,

How do you talk yourself past that? I don't know. Advice, ladies who have dived in?

Thanks,

VF
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#128 of 152 Old 03-03-2007, 11:04 AM
 
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I take his number, thinking, yes, I should THINK this could happen, I could actually appeal to someone again... and I go home and just CAN'T call him. He's not my kind of guy, but he was nice and he was bold and a little shy, and seemed sincere. It would be nice... but,

How do you talk yourself past that? I don't know. Advice, ladies who have dived in?
When the time is right and the person is someone who really captures you....you will dive in!
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#129 of 152 Old 03-03-2007, 11:48 AM
 
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OOOOH GIRL more more no kissie kissie ??!?!?
Nope, not last night. And not with the kiddo around. I've already told him I'd like to keep him and Owen seperate for a little while, if possible. I'm not a fan of having kids involved in adult relationships until both people are sure they'll be around for a long while. Last night I couldn't avoid taking Owen though because I had noone to watch him. We're going out to dinner tonight (with no kids.... woo-hoo!). If he's daring he might get a kiss. But I sound so sick right now it's not even funny. I feel fine, but I have no voice! It was going yesterday (but he was cool about me sounding stupid). But I woke up this morning and I have even less of a voice. Basically I can whisper Who knows. I would feel horrible if I got him sick though

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hes more of a kid person im more of an animal person. somewhat odd but okay, what does my profession have to do with my relationship? i usually keep my work and my personal life seperate.
Maybe she was implying that you would want kids some day and she didn't? From what I've read about her you 2 were not exactly no the same page, kwim?

Steph, DH Jason (1-1-11), DS Owen (10-3-03) and DS Kai (10-13-11)

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#130 of 152 Old 03-03-2007, 01:56 PM
 
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my non relationship -but actually a realationship isndt going so well. i took him out for his birthday last night, and that was all really nice and fun, but in the course of the evening he mentioned he will be going camping during spring break with his friend. what is lame about this is just last week he and i talked about taking a trip together during spring break. i even went so far as to mention it to my ex. i didnt say anything to the guy i am dating last night because i dint want to add a sour note to an otherwise nice evening. i slept over there last night and then this mornign when we woke up he was all grumpy and didnt want to get up with me. we usually wake up together and ---well you know---just that sort of thing. he says he is tired, but we went to bed early, like 11, and went righ tto sleep. i teased him and tried to playfully get him up and he wouldnt. then i flat out said, " i just really want you to wake up" and he said no way. we get to be together once a week. i just wanted to get up and have coffee with him. i was also really hoping i could bring up the camping thing. he also did this about a movie i want to see with him. mentioned that he is going to go see it with his friend. ( male friend)

but the extra layer to it is that we often do things according to what *he* wants, because i am sort of easy going that way. like if he wants to do "x`' thing it usually sounds like a fine idea to me and i am just happy hanging out with him and dont usually care what we are doing. or if he playfully wakes me up from a sleep, i do not resist it all that much, becasue i know i oonly get to be with him once a week, and am delighted and happy he wants me awake to spend time with me. even if i am tired.

this morning hurt me. i ended up leaving his apartment after he rolled over with his back to me. i am thinking about ending things with him because i am seeing that this might be a pattern with us. i dont even want to talk about it with him. and i love him. but i just dont want a relationship where my needs are second. am i being unfair? or jumping the gun? i just imagine if i talk to him about it he is going to be irriated with me for " acting liek a girlfriend." we have both been in unhappy relationships in the past, and so we both associate this sort of interaction with a negative experience. for me, i dont want to have to point out to someone that making plans and then changing your mind to do the planss with someone else, without disucssing it with person A, well thats kiind of rude. i just dont want to go there. if he doenst know it already i just want to find someone who DOES.

sucks cuz i really like and love him. is it worth trying to talk to him though?
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#131 of 152 Old 03-03-2007, 02:22 PM
 
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because i am sort of easy going that way. but i just dont want a relationship where my needs are second.
I sounds like you are really listening to yourself...good for you!

These two sentences really stuck out for me in your post.

In my past I would also think I was "easy going that way," but ultimately, it meant that I was afraid to ask/mention/give an opinion because of the other person's reaction. I didn't want to risk their NOT wanting to be with me...kind of a desperation act.

The 2nd sentence kind of ties in with the first...if you are so "easy going" does the other person even know what your needs are?

Just a little food for thought.

IMHO, it sounds as though "he is just not that into you." His actions/behaviors would not lead me to believe that he thinks as much of you as you do for him.
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#132 of 152 Old 03-03-2007, 02:47 PM
 
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thank you for your response. this really feels like a moment of decision for me, so that is why i am coming back on again.

i think i do put my own needs second alot. and i thnk i convince myself that i am doing it to be sweet or generously spiritued, and i pretty much expect that the other person is going to be the same way. granted, this friend and i have had a great time together, and i *do* choose oour activities from time to time. but it is a true statement that i am part of the problem, where my needs are second.

i guess what gets me is he knows this about me also. i mean, he has pointed it out in refernce to my other relationships. we have been good friends for several months before we started this dating thing, and this has been going on for a bout a month. last week was our first time going out with friends and admitting to them that we are "seeing each other" or whatever when they asked...it seems like that put pressure on him and possibly on me, because things have been oddly tense since then.

he and i are both stubborn. i know because i walked out on him this morning ( even though i talked about leaving as an option since he didnt want to get up with me and doesnt have coffee or food there) he will not call me. he will not make any kind of move. we have a class together, which is a bummer. but other than that i will probably not hear from him. thats why i want to be sure that i made the right choice in leaving this morning. i have essentially broken up with him. i dont know if this is one of those things i should be willing to "work on" or "talk through" with him. i am still kind of tweaked ou from my marriage and am very damaged by those repeated going nowhere kinds of issues, where you talk about it and talk about it and it never changes.

i dont know if i am just reacting too strongly to his behavior because of my marriage.

???
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#133 of 152 Old 03-03-2007, 02:57 PM
 
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i am still kind of tweaked ou from my marriage and am very damaged by those repeated going nowhere kinds of issues, where you talk about it and talk about it and it never changes.
My best advice...do not date until you are no longer "tweaked out from my marriage" and feeling "very damaged." These residual feelings from a former relationship leave you very vulnerable and open to less-than-deserving relationships.

Deal with those feelings from your marriage, otherwise, you will just bring them into your next relationship.

Take some time and work on you. Find a hobby. Do some soul-searching and find out who YOU are and what YOU want.
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#134 of 152 Old 03-03-2007, 06:59 PM
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Maybe she was implying that you would want kids some day and she didn't? From what I've read about her you 2 were not exactly no the same page, kwim?

heres another tidbit, she wrote me a letter a week before i went to maineabout how she held her baby cousin and it felt so warm and that she missed me so much, and that holding her cousin made her want a baby with me so much.

i was like WOAH there!! lets take it one step at a time( i wanted to have kids but heck we had not even fully met yet( we met before but not as much as this time). that and i was way too young barely turned 20, i knew if i did not finish school i couldnt really financially be able, heck i was living with my mom etc. i loved her with all my heart, but at the current time was not ready to have kids yet, and i know she wasnt either financially.

she and i were on the same page once beofre we met fully what a rude awakining

also she was my first g/f.
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#135 of 152 Old 03-03-2007, 10:19 PM
 
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My best advice...do not date until you are no longer "tweaked out from my marriage" and feeling "very damaged." These residual feelings from a former relationship leave you very vulnerable and open to less-than-deserving relationships.

Deal with those feelings from your marriage, otherwise, you will just bring them into your next relationship.

Take some time and work on you. Find a hobby. Do some soul-searching and find out who YOU are and what YOU want.
i agree with this whole heartedly, and think that i could probably soul search for years upon end in this mannar, and it wouldnt be a bad thing.

however, i do think there is something to be said for the way other people in our lives show us the things we need to work on most. i have a good friend that is dating someone who has not been with anyone for ten years and the guy is really wonderful, but even he has old relationship patterning that comes into play from time to time. i really t hink that the next relationship ends up being the ground to work these thigns out no matter what. but i fully agree that if my past is TOO dominant i am not ready.

that said, it has been a year now since i broke up with my ex, and this relationship is a month old. this is our first "problem" and i want to update you guys about it...

he called me a few hours ago and asked me why i got so upset about him not waking up. he was very non confrontational, just concerned and confused about how it got to be such a big deal for me. so i told him that i think i was thinking symbolically ( like it felt like it "meant something") , and explained about the spring break thing and etc. then we went to have coffee and discuss it face to face. it was a very open, friendly, compassionate conversation. ( which is so refreshing to me) . i explained to him what i said here, and told him what i needed. he said that he never thought we wouldnt take a trip over break, that he wants to do both, hang out with his friend, and me. he said he realized how i coulld misinterpret the way he said it...etc. and most importantly ( unprompted by me) reiterated what he says ALL the time, that his feelings for me are constantly underlying everything, even if he was thoughtless in that moment, it wasnt because he is trying to get out of being with me.. he was just not being thoughtful PLUS like holland said, i hadnt conveyed how important a trip would be to me, so he didnt know he should commit to it.

essentailly after that conversation, projections and all, this relationship is worth a shot to me. i am very glad i posted about it this morning because what Holland said about my role in it was VERY useful and helped make the conversation really more productive. After we talked we stopped at a bookstore and he bought me a book of poetry. i really like him. we *did * decide to take a few days of space and focus on homework this weekened ( we talk on the phone alot) which seems like a good thing also.

sorry i am aalways so long winded in this thread. i appreciate the chance to work out my thoughts here, and Holland your very forthright opinions were extremely helpful. sometimes message boards can help more than even a best girlfriend can---cuz my friends might be more "careful" in thier words and not be albe to show me what i was doing as well. thanks
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#136 of 152 Old 03-03-2007, 10:21 PM
 
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ps not to be sassy but i LOLed about finding a hobby!

its GREAT advice i just am one of those people who has TOO MANY interests! so that one made me chuckle cuz a hobby is the last thing i need right now...i def. need to simplify my activities! yet, i still think the advice to focus on ME is wonderful and i will take it to heart.
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#137 of 152 Old 03-03-2007, 10:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I just had to pop in really quick and say that the universe is severely testing me right now. I have in my mind what I'd need in a future mate and along comes this guy who is mighty fine...and...fails 'the list'

I am struggling not to become obsessed with the idea of him, I'm failing though (as of last night) right now, I'm thinking a bit more sensibly, but he is still pretty hot and I think I need someone to dump a huge tub of water on me and slap my cheek really hard

of course, the more I wrap my attentions around one who is clearly wrong for me, the right one will have a hard time getting recognized when he does show up...I need to remember this.

now...back to the regularly scheduled conversation

                                Whatever will be, already is...
 
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#138 of 152 Old 03-03-2007, 10:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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= me (last night)

no one knew though :

                                Whatever will be, already is...
 
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#139 of 152 Old 03-03-2007, 11:40 PM
 
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iHolland your very forthright opinions were extremely helpful. sometimes message boards can help more than even a best girlfriend can---cuz my friends might be more "careful" in thier words and not be albe to show me what i was doing as well. thanks
I am happy to hear I helped.

I tend to be very honest and blunt with everyone, primarily because I want someone to be blunt and honest with me. Some people get offended or hurt by my honesty and bluntness, which is not my intention at all, and others are very thankful and come to me because of my honesty and bluntness.

Therefore, I am very happy to hear I didn't offend or hurt you with my comments.

Also happy to hear that you two had a great talk and all is back on track. Good luck...relationships are tricky and sticky things.
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#140 of 152 Old 03-03-2007, 11:45 PM
 
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I just had to pop in really quick and say that the universe is severely testing me right now. I have in my mind what I'd need in a future mate and along comes this guy who is mighty fine...and...fails 'the list'

I am struggling not to become obsessed with the idea of him, I'm failing though (as of last night) right now, I'm thinking a bit more sensibly, but he is still pretty hot and I think I need someone to dump a huge tub of water on me and slap my cheek really hard

of course, the more I wrap my attentions around one who is clearly wrong for me, the right one will have a hard time getting recognized when he does show up...I need to remember this.

now...back to the regularly scheduled conversation
You are funny!

Hang in there! Be strong. Although, if you faltered, I would completely understand! I have been in similar situation...I am feelin' your struggle!
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#141 of 152 Old 03-04-2007, 10:20 AM
 
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I had a great time! Seriously, have not had that much fun in a loooong time. It was great. I won't go into too many details (I don't kiss and tell ) but we went out driving for a bit before dinner. I showed him my tiny town and the one next to me. Then we had dinner, which was awesome. Very yummy and we had a lot of fun. Then he decided he wanted to meet my dad so I brought him back and he met Dad, Bry, Holly, and Owen (again). I was SHOCKED at how well Owen did with that. He played shy for a little bit but never screamed at him and even came over and touched him at one point. That's unheard of with Owen! Anyway, Owen fell asleep a little before midnight so Jason and I took off. I followed him back to his hotel room (there was a reason for that! I had to make sure his car handled the snow alright ). A couple hours later I was on my way back home (all clothes stayed on though He was very respectful of that rule of mine- clothes stay on on the first date and let *me* lead how far we took things : ). I am so freaking tired right now but I'll be heading back to his hotel in an hour or so to go have breakfast with him before he leaves

Steph, DH Jason (1-1-11), DS Owen (10-3-03) and DS Kai (10-13-11)

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#142 of 152 Old 03-04-2007, 10:56 AM
 
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Steph...

You totally deserve to have a wonderful evening like that.

I am so happy for you!
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#143 of 152 Old 03-04-2007, 01:15 PM
 
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Steph I am so happy for you. Sounds wonderful. Sometimes its worth the fatigue.

Vanessa belly.gif, wife to Kev , mama to Byron (5) wild.gif and Billie (2) and  due in June
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#144 of 152 Old 03-04-2007, 09:57 PM
 
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Breakfast was fun I'm so giddy like a little school girl : But he's back in Kentucky now so it's back to the phone calls. When he left we were talking about meeting up at the end of next month (the first weekend both of us are free) so we'll see what happens.....

Steph, DH Jason (1-1-11), DS Owen (10-3-03) and DS Kai (10-13-11)

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#145 of 152 Old 03-04-2007, 10:02 PM
 
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Breakfast was fun I'm so giddy like a little school girl : But he's back in Kentucky now so it's back to the phone calls. When he left we were talking about meeting up at the end of next month (the first weekend both of us are free) so we'll see what happens.....
Ooo! I'm so excited!! :

Kerry, loving wife to Pete, mama to DD (14) DS1 (9) DS2 (3) & Expecting someone new Jan 2013

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#146 of 152 Old 03-04-2007, 11:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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that is great!!!! it sounds like you may have made a wonderful connection good luck, I'm rooting for you.

                                Whatever will be, already is...
 
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#147 of 152 Old 03-05-2007, 12:31 AM
 
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Steph, how wonderful! You've exceeding your dating goals, ha! three dates in one weekend, pretty impressive!

And it really is wonderful that, after the times you've enjoyed talking to/getting to know this man, that when you met in person you hit it off so well. I'm excited for you! Keep us posted!
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#148 of 152 Old 03-05-2007, 12:33 AM
 
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hey are we supposed to be in march now?

off to go look if there is a march thread....
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#149 of 152 Old 03-05-2007, 12:44 AM - Thread Starter
 
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                                Whatever will be, already is...
 
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#150 of 152 Old 03-05-2007, 12:50 AM
 
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when i went to look and saw there wasnt one, i chuckled...

poor beloved K! you seem a little distracted!

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