Spinoff: Dear Ex - It Is Not Okay - Mothering Forums

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Old 03-17-2007, 09:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I posted this originally on Ravenmoon's thread, but it is such different circumstances than what she is going through, and I felt like I was intruding on her thread. So I'm going to throw this out here, and encourage anyone else to please feel free to add your own!

* It is not okay to ignore my emails, phone calls and messages for months on end, responding only if I specifically use the word "emergency", and then complain later that you missed something because you "didn't know".
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Old 03-17-2007, 10:07 PM
 
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~It is not ok to expect me to change my life for your needs but when I need something you blow me off and act as if I never asked for a favor. Dont ask to give if you dont give in return~
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Old 03-17-2007, 10:13 PM
 
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It is not ok to promise me that you are going to be there forever and that you want a family more than anything, and that you will be there for our child no matter what happens and then dissapear off the face of the earth for 10 years. It is not ok to forget to pay child support on the month of your son's birthday, and randomly pay it whenever you get the urge or the police get too close.

It is not ok to avoid your responsibilities and avoid being a parent, when you knew full well what you were getting into when we decided to have a baby.
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Old 03-17-2007, 10:21 PM
 
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It is not okay to open the door to my bedroom when you are in my house. I had it closed for a reason: you were coming over : .
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Old 03-17-2007, 10:24 PM
 
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~ It is not ok to tell me how you are glad we get along lately, then not get your way and treat me like a piece of dirt on the street, and all because you dont get your way~
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Old 03-17-2007, 10:27 PM
 
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its not ok to fail to pay cs for four months and to claim that you paying off our debts was my "child support payment".
it is not ok for you to fail to call for weeks on end and then unexpectedly pop up in our dd s life whenever you "feel like it".
it is not ok for you to use my love of our children against me through the courts and a fake plea for joint custody all so you can reduce your cs amount.
it is not ok for you to try to use me for emotional support..we are broken up for a reason.
it is not ok for you to state that your not going to visit our kids for at least one year, after i agreed to reduce your cs payments so you could visit our kids.
all your selfish, self-serving atttitudes and behaviors are not and will never be ok. you will never be happy until you stop being so self-centered and accept some responsibility for your actions and your life.

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Old 03-18-2007, 08:49 AM
 
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After the weekend I just had here goes...

It is not ok to walk in while I am in the shower
It is not ok to lay on my bed, there is a spare bed at the other end of the house if you need to lay down
It is not, not not not ok to ask our son to contribute to the argument we are having, do not use him to back up your story
It is not ok to belittle me in front of our children and their friends
It is not ok to accuse me of something that you know full well I didn't do and am not even capable of doin
It is not ok to cut me off when I am speaking, you had your turn and I am entitled to mine
It is not ok to take my car and leave me 30 minutes out of town with 3 young children and no car!!! You didn't even leave me the keys to yours in case I had to go somewhere
It is not ok to call me a f/wit because I refused to say you were right when you couldn't even get your facts straight
It is not ok to tell me I am a c**t because I refused to drive you home and you had to hitch in the rain, if you had been a bit nicer to me I probably would have driven you home
It is not ok to threaten to take my children off me because I refuse to play your games
I could go on, but... getting all agitated so gotta stop
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Old 03-18-2007, 10:32 AM
 
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It's not ok to threaten to bring "help: (i.e. girlfriend) on your weekly 3 hour visit with your kids if I ask you to bring the baby....
It's not ok to come into my house and eat my food.
It's not ok to pop into the kids lives whenever convient for you.
It's not ok to take my car but refuse to let me use yours because you say I'll "trash it".
It's not ok to let your wh*re-friend call me a bit*ch on the phone.

It's not ok that you threw away 15 years of marriage, four kids, and a lifetime of trust........but now that you did, it's ok with me.
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Old 03-18-2007, 11:29 AM
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It is not ok to use your children's love to manipulate me.

It is not ok to abuse your children to get back at me

It is not ok to tell your children awful, hurtful, cruel, untrue things about their mother

It is not ok to demean your children because they love their mother.

It is not ok to prevent your children from seeing or talking to their mother when they are with you.

It is not ok to try to convince your children the divorce was all their mothers fault

It is not ok to tell the children they could have better things if their mother wasn't taking all your money.

It is not ok to tell your children their mother does drugs and sleeps around when they visit you.

Ok, gonna stop......I sure could keep going.
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Old 03-18-2007, 11:31 AM
 
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Dear ex:

It's not ok to throw a tantrum when you don't get your own way. You are a grown man and we have been seperated for 3 years now, it's time to stop with the threats and name calling. They clearly aren't getting you anywhere.

It's also not ok to not pay child support. Spending $600 to modify your ATV does not count as "more important" that your obligation to help support your son. Neither does getting your GF four unnecessary 4 dimensional ultrasounds just so you guys can see your baby. Way to prioritize!

Zen doula-mama to my spirited DS1 (2/03), my CHD (TAPVR) warrior DS2 (6/07) & a gentle baby girl (8/09)
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Old 03-18-2007, 11:42 AM
 
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I must be really hormonal/emotional today because reading through this thread tears are just falling down and I can't make them stop I am so sorry mamas. You all deserve so much better than this

Steph, DH Jason (1-1-11), DS Owen (10-3-03) and DS Kai (10-13-11)

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Old 03-18-2007, 03:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I have another one! Just because I don't spend every penny you give me directly on the children doesn't mean that money isn't supporting them. Children like electricity. Children like heat. It is important for me to have insurance on my car so that I can take the children to all of their activities. Yes, I live very frugally so that I don't have to work and put the little one in daycare, so yes, some of "your money" help support me too. But you have no say in that. The state of Pennsylvania tells you what you should be paying, and the fact that I can stretch it far and not work should be seen as a positive, not a negative. Deal with it!
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Old 03-18-2007, 11:49 PM
 
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It is not ok to tell me stupid stories about cars and bikes and people I don't know. I'm a busy lady.
It is not ok to throw tantrums when you don't get your way, and it is really not ok to pretend it never happened.
It is not ok to ignore DS when you're mad at me.
It is not ok to stare at me "that way" just because I lost 20 lbs after I
left your lazy, childish a**.



Whew! That felt good. I may be back for more.
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Old 03-19-2007, 12:38 AM
 
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It is not ok to have an emotional affair with another woman and not tell me.
It is not ok to continually tell me how unhappy and stressed you are in our marriage when you are having an affair and not telling me.
It is not ok that I changed my work hours to help our marriage and you changed nothing and didn't tell me you were emotionally involved with another woman.
It is not ok that you were emotionally and somewhat physically involved with another woman before we even conceived our son and that you AGREED to have a child.
It is not ok that that woman is your former student.
It is not ok that I stood on my head to try and make this marriage work and you never told the truth.
It is not ok that you blame me for our marriage failing.
It is not ok that you still have not told me the truth.
It is not ok that I found out about your affair while 6 months pregnant from cell phone bill and then your best friend.
It is not ok that you walked out and left me when I was 5 months pregnant.
It is not ok that I have to give up time with my precious son because of your life choices.
It is not ok that your girlfriend gets to spend any time with my son.
It is not ok that you disagree with my choices about how to raise our son--- You left. You gave up the right to make those choices.
It is not ok that you are trying to force me to raise our son differently because YOU want overnights.
It is not ok that I have no idea how I will ever trust anyone again.
It is not ok that I have to have a relationship with you for the rest of my life. That, in order to provide the most stability for our son given your choices, that I have to swallow all of this. That I have to give up things I don't want to give up. That I have to negotiate with you. That I have to be nice to you and pretend I'm happy to see you.
It is not ok that I always feel that you are trying to pull my son away from his mama.
It is not ok that you always have to be in control. You made this choice, not me. I am just picking up the pieces. It's not my fault that you don't like the consequences of your choice.

Thank you... that felt good.
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Old 08-12-2008, 10:42 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I was searching for another old thread and found this one, and thought it might be interesting to resurrect it! There are a couple of other people that I know are still around here in single parenting - it might be fun to read what you wrote back then and see how it compares to your life now. Unfortunately, mine hasn't changed that much - our problems are still mostly money (the best comment I got recently was "I have to work all this overtime so I can pay your bills while you sit around all day and do nothing..." - mind you I have two part-time jobs and I baby-sit). So here goes:

Dear Ex - it is not okay to try to force your new wife down our children's throats a month after you meet her, while complaining that our kids spend too much time with the boyfriend I have had for over a year.

It is not okay to tell me "You'd better not be acting like a whore in front of my kids!" - you left because you'd been cheating on me for over a year, you've been with at least three long-term partners and have had countless one night stands. I've been with one person - One Person! - you are the whore. Not me.

It is not okay to tell me that you do not have to work so I'll send the kids to your house, then go to work anyway, leaving our oldest daughter to babysit in a house she is unfamiliar with, in a neighborhood where she knows no one, where it would take either one of us over half an hour to get there if there was an emergency.

And it is not okay to avoid me for the three weeks since that happened because you know I'm pissed off. You are a coward.
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Old 08-12-2008, 12:10 PM
 
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Dear Ex - It is not OK that you've spent all summer being "fun dad" while you're off work, and now that school is starting again you're only going to see dd when it fits in your schedule, around sports and grading and working out. She's going to miss you and be confused, and I'll be the one to deal with the fallout. Thanks.
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Old 08-12-2008, 08:23 PM
 
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Dear Ex:

It is not okay for you to have all the fun parts of parenting--taking them to the park, the museum, reading the stories--and none of the work, like preparing meals, or cleaning up after them. This is why I am not okay with packing meals for you to take to the park, and why I am not okay with you spending your time with them in my home, and leaving the mess for me to clean up. I know that you go through life with the expectation that people will do what you want to make things more convenient for you, and I know that because you are so charming, they usually do, but I have come to realize that I really need to set some boundaries.

I am sorry that I have not been more consistent in the past with my boundaries, and I will try to be more consistent from here on out. When I do set boundaries, it is not okay for you to sulk when I ask you to do things you should have been doing all along, like preparing food and feeding them when you have them at dinnertime.

This is so therapeutic!
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Old 08-14-2008, 01:13 PM
 
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this is good good stuff mamas...this really IS therapeutic to read...what is wrong w/ these men???!!!
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Old 08-16-2008, 12:07 AM
 
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It is not okay to call me a bitch and worthless because you have to
pay child support

It is not okay to say that all I ever did was raise our children and that was so easy.

It is not okay to buy your self a new set of tires, but tell me I do not need
new tires when you can see the steal in 2 tires. My church help me buy them.
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Old 08-16-2008, 02:24 AM
 
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What an amazing thread, mamas! You all are so, so strong and beautiful. Your children are so lucky to have you.

Peaceful mama to three blissfully-birthed and incredible small people: dd10, dd7 and ds5. Always awed and so thankful to be a midwife.
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Old 08-16-2008, 04:16 AM
 
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please pay attention to what our dd is allergic to. I am tired of her coming home with diarrhea and stomache aches. I am sure life would be much happier for her if she was not suffering digestive woes that are smellable by other kids.

I forgot everything else I was going to say, you mama's really know what's important :
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Old 08-16-2008, 04:28 AM
 
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Hey, xdh,

It is not okay to pressure me to take you back.

I trusted you completely, and that takes balls (ovaries)!

I devoted my whole life to the family we made, together.

Yet, you chose to call your secret friend literally 12 times a day, all over the house and in the yard with the kids while I swept or did laundry for your a$$.

So, um, you already HAD us there, to love, to respect... and you threw us away.

So lay off.
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Old 08-16-2008, 04:29 AM
 
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It is not okay to leave our 11 year old on the spectrum home alone with only his nine year old sister to watch him. It is not fair to her.

It is not okay to not call them during the week when the agreement and the time set up is for you to call. It interupts our family time... which I would be supportive of....if you actually followed through. As it is, our family time is disrupted and then I have to deal with disapointed kiddos to boot.


Top ramen is not a complete meal.

Nor is mac and cheese with hot dogs in it.

Fruits and veggies are not luxury foods.

I am not a control freak because I have an early bedtime for the kiddos. They function much better with sleep.
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Old 08-16-2008, 04:31 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by beansavi View Post
Hey, xdh,

It is not okay to pressure me to take you back.

I trusted you completely, and that takes balls (ovaries)!

I devoted my whole life to the family we made, together.

Yet, you chose to call your secret friend literally 12 times a day, all over the house and in the yard with the kids while I swept or did laundry for your a$$.

So, um, you already HAD us there, to love, to respect... and you threw us away.

So lay off.
I could have written the exact same thing.
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Old 08-16-2008, 04:50 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kiernan View Post
I could have written the exact same thing.
Well then I am super happy to know you now.
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Old 08-16-2008, 05:21 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mmace View Post
I have another one! Just because I don't spend every penny you give me directly on the children doesn't mean that money isn't supporting them. Children like electricity. Children like heat. It is important for me to have insurance on my car so that I can take the children to all of their activities. Yes, I live very frugally so that I don't have to work and put the little one in daycare, so yes, some of "your money" help support me too. But you have no say in that. The state of Pennsylvania tells you what you should be paying, and the fact that I can stretch it far and not work should be seen as a positive, not a negative. Deal with it!
:

and it is not ok to comment on my loosing weight, or to "accidently brush against me.

it is not ok to say that I sound lonmely, of course I'm lonely...I'm raising five kids ALONE.

it is not ok that my kids have to spend their weekends with your girlfriend and her kid

it is not ok that you are more of a father figure to her kid than ours.

it is not ok that you lied and lied and lied, to me, and to her.

it is not ok that I gave you the last 10 years of my life, made, nutured, nursed, etc our five kids, and you just left it all for an easier life.

it is not ok to act like you are superdad because you pay up the butt for cs, of course you do...you have FIVE kids!

it is not ok to expect me to lower my standards for our kids' upbringing(having a parent at home, etc) because you CHOSE to walk out on us and break up our family.

I have so many more, but these made me feel better...

Single mama to Alex(13), Maddy(12), Sam(8), Violet(6), and Ruby(3). fly-by-nursing1.gif
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Old 08-16-2008, 12:24 PM
 
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It's not ok to get a mastiff, which you have to feed and care for, when you haven't been feeding your kids.

It's not ok to pass childcare off to the kind lady you stay with, so you can sleep on the couch.

It's not ok to say you will buy the kids shoes if they need them, but not contribute any money to feeding them.
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Old 08-16-2008, 02:01 PM
 
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it is not okay to hit me, ever.
it is not okay to pretend that our relationship was fine until i did something to ruin it.
it is not okay to avoid child support like the plague until you get locked up. and don't try to cut deals that are way lower than what you owe.
it is not cool to opt not to be a responsible adult. i have to be one every day.
it is not cool to lie to folks and say you take care of your children, which is totally not the case.
it is not cool to be proud of how well spoken your child is when you have contributed NOTHING to educating her.
it is not cool to say you are going to show up and then no even bother to call, or call by accident. nice
it is not cool to think you have some right to be in my life and then avoid my dd when you realize that i don't owe you anything.

i could go on and on...

Former dreads.gifwearing, treehugger.gifing, pole dancing, read.gifpushing, ribbonpurple.gifsurvivor & single mama extraordinaire to energy.gif.  

Now that's a mouthful!!! computergeek2.gif & follow it!   

 

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Old 08-16-2008, 05:49 PM
 
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Dear Ex,

I hear you're going back to substitute teaching even though you were asked to resign from your last teaching job.

1 - Please don't come substitute at my school. I divorced you, I don't want to work with you either.

2 - Please don't substitute at dd's school, you will embarrass her.

3 - DD's therapist will be calling you soon. Perhaps you should focus less on your girlfriend and more on your daughter because your daughter thinks you don't love her.

4 - The 5 tattoos and the orange highlights you've gotten on your hair are not the improvement you think they are.

LOL.
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Old 08-16-2008, 10:25 PM
 
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It is not okay to put me on block when I call you to discuss
some trouble our teenage son might be in, you need to stand up
and be a father. A 17 year old is not grown.

It is not okay to forget your daughter birthday, then when you do remember
you call and promise her a gift and then forget about that.
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