anyone ever give up once and for all on having a family? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 37 Old 04-11-2007, 03:50 PM
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YES. I completely understand. Especially since in my case, i truly still believe that my H was the one and only for me. And that since he screwed it up, i'm going to be alone. I'm not saying i'll never find anyone, i'm saying i DID, and now i'm alone. I do not think i made a mistake marrying him, or having a child with him. We were supposed to have many children, and i'm angry that he's stolen all of that from me. But if i were to ever tell anyone that, they would say "Oh you'll find someone great, i just know it." But i know i won't, and it's frustrating.

And i don't even mean that you will find that after going through this, you will realize that dream. I just mean, there's something amazing out there for you, and you haven't even envisioned it yet. It may, or may not be what you now believe is your hearts desire. But your life isn't over yet. And there's lots of amazing stuff to come.
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#32 of 37 Old 04-11-2007, 03:54 PM
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I hear what you are saying completely. I am 33, almost 34 and a single mom to a 3yr old ds. This is definately not what I envisioned my family life to be and I know it is hard to be patient. I totally know how you feel.

Right now I am just focusing my energy on trying to be happy with myself and give myself credit for what I have accomplished. Hopefully with my renewed positive energy someone will be lucky enough to find me and become part of my family.
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#33 of 37 Old 04-11-2007, 03:57 PM
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Originally Posted by boston View Post
I need for people to stop saying "it will happen" in any context whatsoever. How can I ever let it go if people keep dangling it in front of me?
Ok, you are won't happen for YOU. With your negative thoughts/feelings and determination to 'give up,' then you are correct. It will NOT happen for YOU.

BUT...I am saying this directly to you, in addition to emphasizing the you, because I would never want another poster in the same frame of mind to not be positively affected by the amazing, positive, hopeful posts written on here by others, who have btdt.

In regards to helping you cope...I honestly, and sincerely, wouldn't know what to say. I don't believe in giving up and throwing in the towel, especially about an unknown future.

All the best and I truly hope you are able to come to some peace of mind about your choice.
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#34 of 37 Old 04-11-2007, 04:19 PM
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I don't think anybody is saying it will happen. I think what we're saying is allow yourself
to open to the possibility that you don't know what will happen, and love that journey all
the same.

I feel like instead of rejecting the dream of being with somebody we're asking you to try
rejecting the attitude that it's a failure, or something to give up at all.

Instead of giving up the dream of having a loving partner, give up the dream that a loving
partner will change your happiness. Yes being in a loving relationship can give us more
joy, but it can't create the joy.

Instead of putting the focus on letting go of the "dream" let go of the fantasy. The fact is
in your posts you don't seem happy with your current situation. Add a loving relationship
to that, it's only a band-aid. Not a healing of your soul.

Now if your focus is less on letting go on a dream of a loving relationship and more on
creating a loving relationship within yourself, then IF a relationship comes your way, it's
a bonus, not a solution to finding your dream.

My Dad just lost my Mom, the love of his life, last September, after a 7 year illness. He
is now in a new relationship with a really nice woman. How sad if after he lost my Mom
he said "it won't happen again". My Dad is 69 years old. He was married to my Mom for
46 years. If you would have told him that he would be in another relationship after my
Mom's death he would have laughed at you.

I might not ever be in a loving relationship with a man. I might never get married. I
can't predict what good and bad will enter my life. I can predict and control how I react
to my life.

If you call off the dream all together, your rejecting the possibility of it ever happening.
It seems like your doing this out of fear. We aren't asking you to keep the dream, we're
asking you to let go of the fear of the future. Any future.

We're all saying what we say out of love and concern.

-Janna, independent mother of dd, Ms. Mattie Sky born on my 25th birthday, 06*23*2000. My Mama Feb.21,1938-Sept.10,2006
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#35 of 37 Old 04-11-2007, 04:20 PM
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I have a family- myself and my 3 children! I don't need a man to "complete" my family- it's already complete.

Of course, my 10 and 12yos are old enough to help with household stuff, and even with a certain amount of childcare, so I'm no longer doing it all "alone." Plus I have my parents living right downstairs. It does make a difference.

To the OP: I think you need to mourn the loss of the "dream family", and work through that grief, so that you'll be in a place to appreciate what you DO have.

Ruth, single mommy to 3 quasi-adults
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#36 of 37 Old 04-11-2007, 07:52 PM - Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Ruthla View Post
I think you need to mourn the loss of the "dream family", and work through that grief, so that you'll be in a place to appreciate what you DO have.
Yes. I'm doing this now. It's very hard to see past this step. It is exactly like grief. But with shame mixed in.

I'm in mourning, and that's ok. Thank you all for your insights. Even the posts that are focused on me finding someone, which I do not want to do anymore, even those contained bits of help in them. Thanks for taking the time to share it. I'll stay tuned.
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#37 of 37 Old 04-11-2007, 08:07 PM
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Originally Posted by boston View Post
I'm in a huge depression and I've got to scrape myself up and get better before I drag her down with me. She and I are both in therapy to make sure we're okay after the last breakup/boyfriend experience. I like her therapist, she's very intuitive.

Mine is good, too. She's been very helpful about why I do certain things, and she is helping me get some space from my pain.
boston, I am really hearing this depression piece loud and clear in your posts. If you have a clinical depression, that can have a power all of its own. I am so glad you are in therapy. I wish you space from your pain.
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