what do you wish you had put in divorce settlement/parenting agreement? - Page 5 - Mothering Forums

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#121 of 305 Old 12-21-2007, 05:34 AM
 
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my ex works under the table so it's hard for me to document income. even though we are suppose to split everything 50/50, he's always behind. he claims he's always broke yet he always hitting up bars, taking weekend trips, etc. not to mention he hasn't paid me a nickel of our mutual debt. Plus he owes a $1000 of my lawyer fees which he hasn't paid a dime of. I don't even know how to enforce this or put it in the settlement.

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#122 of 305 Old 12-24-2007, 01:32 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MissSavannahsMommy View Post
2. When can significant others/friends whatever be involved with the childrens daily care. Obviously it's hard to put this on paper, but having simple steps like "children cannot meet significant others until they have been dating for ___ months and parties will both agree to meet the other significant other prior to introducing children" Of course it doesn't have to be that extreme and you can make it to your own preference.
(i havent read all the replys)

Is this something you have in your agreement? I was actually going to post something today on this very topic!
Does anyone have experience with this?
(i think i may still post another thread)

can't wait to read the rest since I think x and i are headed this way (only since the GF thing came into play though)
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#123 of 305 Old 12-24-2007, 01:40 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Areannasmom View Post
(i havent read all the replys)

Is this something you have in your agreement? I was actually going to post something today on this very topic!
Does anyone have experience with this?
(i think i may still post another thread)

can't wait to read the rest since I think x and i are headed this way (only since the GF thing came into play though)

I'm interested in this, too. My situation is a bit different since even x has only met ds a handful of times, but boy is he eager for his gf to play mommy to ds. I think that he should be able to care for ds 100% before introducing someone else. I don't know that the courts will agree with me, though.
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#124 of 305 Old 12-25-2007, 04:32 PM
 
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this is great keep em coming!
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#125 of 305 Old 12-26-2007, 12:44 PM
 
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Also...a right of first refusal clause....meaning that if its his time with the kids and he's going out, he has to give you the first choice to have the kids before using a babysitter or someone else to watch them.

We have this written into our agreement. If he actually followed it, it would work out great.
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#126 of 305 Old 12-26-2007, 12:45 PM
 
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Something I wish I had written into mine:

No passing messages through the kids.


Seriously, I've had enough. I feel like I am HIS parent too. He acts so childish.
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#127 of 305 Old 01-03-2008, 06:23 PM
 
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Something I wish I had written into mine:

No passing messages through the kids.


Seriously, I've had enough. I feel like I am HIS parent too. He acts so childish.
thats a great one
bump
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#128 of 305 Old 02-17-2008, 08:51 PM
 
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bumping for someone.
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#129 of 305 Old 02-18-2008, 02:13 AM
 
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#130 of 305 Old 02-18-2008, 11:10 PM
 
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If you can put things in like being vegan, can you also put things in like that you don't want dds being raised with tv? (we don't have tv, but when I picked up dd2 today from where h is staying, dds were watching tv, which I don't want them doing!!)
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#131 of 305 Old 02-18-2008, 11:31 PM
 
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If you can put things in like being vegan, can you also put things in like that you don't want dds being raised with tv? (we don't have tv, but when I picked up dd2 today from where h is staying, dds were watching tv, which I don't want them doing!!)
Theoretically, yes, you can include it--but I think your ex would have to agree. Honestly, I don't think any judge would order someone to keep a TV out of their house (or even off when the child is around) simply because the other parent doesn't want it. The only time I've heard about a judge ordering legal, not intrinsically dangerous items out of house is as part of a criminal sentence (i.e. a hacker can't have a computer).

Same with veganism, really--the PP indicated "we" put that restriction in, which seems to me to mean they agreed. But at the very least, I don't think a judge would order a party with joint legal custody to maintain the child's vegan diet (or any non-medically-required diet, really; religious diets may be orderable in situations where one parent can direct the child's religion).

Unfortunately, there's not a lot you can do about day-to-day stuff at the other house. (And really: Do you want your ex to try to dictate what goes on in your house? Because that's often what happens when one party makes requests/demands for the other to honor, even if the requests/demands are completely reasonable.)

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#132 of 305 Old 02-19-2008, 12:07 AM
 
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yes, I realize that we'd have to agree, I know that some of the "smaller" stuff isn't going to be very enforce-able, but when I saw the vegan thing I realized that maybe some of that smaller stuff could be negotiated with h....
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#133 of 305 Old 02-27-2008, 12:24 AM
 
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Originally Posted by sheilajolene View Post
I've wondered about life insurance. Son's father had a LI policy for 315K which was to come to me... but that was when we were together and I'm sure he's probably changed it now that he's engaged to another woman. Can those of us who were never married even request this? I should get something to support ds if something happens to him...
you can require that he carry a life insurance policy that your child is the beneficiary of. I don't know if that money would be available to you though to use though? they would also be entitled to SS benefits if he died (provided they would have otherwise qualified). you may also take out a life insurance policy on him with you or the children as the beneficiary.

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#134 of 305 Old 03-15-2008, 03:29 AM
 
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bumping

has anyone included something like a "mission statement" for co-parenting their children? I would love to do something like this (this is something I wanted to do in therapy before STBX filed for divorce).
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#135 of 305 Old 03-15-2008, 10:28 AM
 
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bumping

has anyone included something like a "mission statement" for co-parenting their children? I would love to do something like this (this is something I wanted to do in therapy before STBX filed for divorce).
Well, I kind of did. It is attached to our separation agreement/parenting plan -- of course it's not legally binding, but I wanted to get the ideas on paper so it was out there and we could both reference it.

I made an outline framework for Discipline, Mindfulness, Education, and Healthfulness. I'm not sure if that's what you're thinking.
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#136 of 305 Old 03-15-2008, 10:07 PM
 
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All I put in mine was "Both parties agree that DS is not to be circumcised or vaccinated at any time."

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#137 of 305 Old 06-21-2008, 06:57 PM
 
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* re-subbing *

trying to mother my 11yo sweet skaterboy, 4yo stepgirl of the universe, this apocalypse babe-on-the-way, and my 36yo innerkid ...while figuring how to market myself, stay married, and murder my ego
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#138 of 305 Old 07-07-2008, 03:26 PM
 
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*BUMP*


trying to mother my 11yo sweet skaterboy, 4yo stepgirl of the universe, this apocalypse babe-on-the-way, and my 36yo innerkid ...while figuring how to market myself, stay married, and murder my ego
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#139 of 305 Old 07-07-2008, 04:34 PM
 
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#140 of 305 Old 07-07-2008, 04:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i'm sorry for whatever you're going through mama.
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#141 of 305 Old 07-08-2008, 04:57 AM
 
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I don't think I read this when I went through the thread, but a divorced mama in my real life told me I should make sure to have xh's c/s payments come directly from his paycheck. This woman said that her xh would write checks and make nasty comments about how he was contributing to her travel fund. So I made sure that was in, and I will now be getting c/s and alimony direct deposited into my bank account.
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#142 of 305 Old 07-08-2008, 04:32 PM
 
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Hi Mamas,
I'm so confused. I am 40, still married, and have 6 children ages 16, 14, 12, 9, 7, and 4. (12yo is the only boy). For the past 10 years, I have maintained myself on a succession of different anti-depressants, overeating to self-medicate, and frequent abuse of pain killers. I CAN'T do this anymore. I can no longer "play a role", I'm exhausted trying. I feel trapped, guilty for even thinking of leaving, I have one friend who is telling me I will *destroy* my children if I do this.

I have recently found "non-pharmaceutical" ways to happiness in the past 6 mo to a year, like getting involved in community theater, but this has caused problems with husband, who feels I should be home and have been neglecting the kids. When I say I want out, that I want my own place, he says I need to "grow up", that I need to "act my age" and that I'm being an "ungrateful brat". Has anyone ever left a marriage of 19 years and 6 children? Am I completely insane, or merely experiencing "mid-life crisis" as husband says? He is a clergyman, and I have been The Pastor's Wife for over 16 years. Now that I want to be my own person, (not a *different* person; I mean the person I have always been and have been putting aside) he's telling me I need to get a grip.

There's more, I'm afraid this is getting too long, please respond, I need some input here. When I leave, ought I to take the 3 youngers with me (I plan on staying right in town, my whole life is here) because they are still so attached to Mommy? He says he will fight me on that. Do I leave them "home", and have my older kids have to play parent when Dad's not home? (We have always homeschooled)

With love, and hoping for some friendly input,
~Sue, :hurting but still loving mama to 6 beautiful children
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#143 of 305 Old 07-09-2008, 12:36 PM
 
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#144 of 305 Old 07-09-2008, 03:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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sue, i'm so very sorry for what you're going through. i'd suggest posting this in the main part of the forum, you'll get a lot of feedback. i don't have any advice, as i was the one that was left but want to offer you my support.
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#145 of 305 Old 07-11-2008, 01:24 PM
 
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utmost thanks to everyone who has contributed here. i just wrote up a preliminary agreement and there was so much stuff i'd never have thought to include if y'all hadn't suggested it.

mil gracias.

:

trying to mother my 11yo sweet skaterboy, 4yo stepgirl of the universe, this apocalypse babe-on-the-way, and my 36yo innerkid ...while figuring how to market myself, stay married, and murder my ego
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#146 of 305 Old 07-11-2008, 06:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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good for you!
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#147 of 305 Old 07-18-2008, 01:16 AM
 
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subbing, we are working on this now...if he ever responds to the third attempt my lawyer has made to contact him.

great ideas mammas...how do your ex's respond to the ideas some of you have presented? My ex think's I'm crazy now, wait til he sees this!

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#148 of 305 Old 07-18-2008, 02:07 PM
 
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maybe go through your list and tally (for your eyes only) which areas are more fluid than others and which are totally concrete. that way you can appear mad flexible without compromising the things you and your kid(s) really need.

trying to mother my 11yo sweet skaterboy, 4yo stepgirl of the universe, this apocalypse babe-on-the-way, and my 36yo innerkid ...while figuring how to market myself, stay married, and murder my ego
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#149 of 305 Old 07-18-2008, 08:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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yeah, i came in hard to start, expecting to negotiate on things. it turned out he didn't care to negotiate and just went along with everything in the parenting agreement, including things that i thought were far-fetched like me having the kids on ALL holidays except his birthday and father's day, me doing all school related things and medical related things... i agree, pick the things you are willing to be flexible on but build some leeway into the document so you can get to that middle place without conceding a whole bunch. and hey, you never know, you may get everything you're asking for!
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#150 of 305 Old 07-18-2008, 10:59 PM
 
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Hi Mamas,
I'm so confused. I am 40, still married, and have 6 children ages 16, 14, 12, 9, 7, and 4. (12yo is the only boy). For the past 10 years, I have maintained myself on a succession of different anti-depressants, overeating to self-medicate, and frequent abuse of pain killers. I CAN'T do this anymore. I can no longer "play a role", I'm exhausted trying. I feel trapped, guilty for even thinking of leaving, I have one friend who is telling me I will *destroy* my children if I do this.

I have recently found "non-pharmaceutical" ways to happiness in the past 6 mo to a year, like getting involved in community theater, but this has caused problems with husband, who feels I should be home and have been neglecting the kids. When I say I want out, that I want my own place, he says I need to "grow up", that I need to "act my age" and that I'm being an "ungrateful brat". Has anyone ever left a marriage of 19 years and 6 children? Am I completely insane, or merely experiencing "mid-life crisis" as husband says? He is a clergyman, and I have been The Pastor's Wife for over 16 years. Now that I want to be my own person, (not a *different* person; I mean the person I have always been and have been putting aside) he's telling me I need to get a grip.

There's more, I'm afraid this is getting too long, please respond, I need some input here. When I leave, ought I to take the 3 youngers with me (I plan on staying right in town, my whole life is here) because they are still so attached to Mommy? He says he will fight me on that. Do I leave them "home", and have my older kids have to play parent when Dad's not home? (We have always homeschooled)

With love, and hoping for some friendly input,
~Sue, :hurting but still loving mama to 6 beautiful children
: ::
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Love and strength to all of you mommas, I'm sorry you are hurting. Sue - as StillSnarky said, if you haven't already post in the main single parents forum, you'll probably get more feedback.
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