what do you wish you had put in divorce settlement/parenting agreement? - Page 9 - Mothering Forums

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#241 of 305 Old 08-05-2010, 10:03 PM
 
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I also took lots of notes as my ex has recently decided he does want to drag this through the courts. Wish me luck!
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#242 of 305 Old 08-06-2010, 01:20 PM
 
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Originally Posted by NewMom0208 View Post
All, right, just finished reading and taking notes.
I am just drafting, some new things I would like discussed, agreed and hopefully in the agreement are:
  • $20/month sent to our son savings account by each party (he is 2)
  • No refined sugars or fried foods
  • Child must spend 80% or more of the visitation time with father
  • If child cannot go to school due to sickness, each parent take turns to miss out work
  • all TV must be properly rated (I cough him watching musical videos that included bar scenes of people kissing, including semi naked woman kissing, with our son on his lap) includes tv, cable or dvd
  • Must notify changes of income
  • no fast food
  • Parents are open to homeschooling
  • Parents agree to explore alternative treatments first when child is sick or injured unless life of death
  • No yelling or scaring the child
  • Parents agree to explore different styles of discipline, promoting gentle discipline and attachments parenting
  • Both parent to avoid unnecessary expenses until they are both out of unsecured debt

I know I might not get but a couple in an agreement, but I have to try.
my sbtbx is a really good father and I would never have a car seat issue. BUT while he has another woman who has two children from a previous marriage, he is not moving in with her. Which tells me they are not ready for that, when they are the sweet father today might become not so sweet under the demands of his new family.

I am trying, i am trying very hard to detach. it is very hurtful that he is eager and relief that I found him out and kicked him out. What a coward... but we stay amicable so this is a good moment to try the agreement
What I bolded, even if it gets into the agreement, is not even close to enforceable. So you might as well not bother. And about both parents taking turns when the kid gets sick? My understanding is that when a parent is the custodial parent they have more responsibility, and therefore are the one to take the hit when things happen. If the ncp is willing to help out, thats great, but I don't think a court is going to be keen on giving one parent custody, and then requiring the other to not only pay child support, but require them to miss work for illness. In that situation, joint 50/50 sounds like a much better solution with the parents being responsible for taking sick days from work when the child is living with them and has to miss school/daycare.
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#243 of 305 Old 08-07-2010, 04:38 PM
 
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STBX is very flexible, but he has a hard time following rules, can't understand why HE has to follow them! This thread has been great though, lots of things I hadn't thought to put in!

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#244 of 305 Old 08-07-2010, 07:30 PM
 
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Originally Posted by thyra View Post
What I bolded, even if it gets into the agreement, is not even close to enforceable. So you might as well not bother. And about both parents taking turns when the kid gets sick? My understanding is that when a parent is the custodial parent they have more responsibility, and therefore are the one to take the hit when things happen. If the ncp is willing to help out, thats great, but I don't think a court is going to be keen on giving one parent custody, and then requiring the other to not only pay child support, but require them to miss work for illness. In that situation, joint 50/50 sounds like a much better solution with the parents being responsible for taking sick days from work when the child is living with them and has to miss school/daycare.
Again, some of it is enforceable - depends on your judge, lawyer, ability to pursue certain issues, willingness to go to court over things, etc. Some of that I would let go, some I would go after.

As far as the sick day issue - I have primary custody, my ex pays support, has the kids EOW, and we take turns staying home if one of the kids is sick (per agreement). I tend to stay home first, because both girls want their mama when they're sick, but it's more difficult for me to take time off than it is for my ex.

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#245 of 305 Old 08-10-2010, 09:46 PM
 
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bump because this thread is very helpful
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#246 of 305 Old 10-10-2010, 11:16 PM
 
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Bump.
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#247 of 305 Old 10-24-2010, 07:02 PM
 
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Bumping with comments...

Subbing this thread b/c in the middle of working out a separation agreement, myself. With him, it's all about moneymoneymoney... need to find out about tax intercept, etc, as he's lost his job (fired... again) and no CS coming in. Which means that public school preschool is the only viable option for DS who will be 4 in March unless something changes.

What I'm interested in is how you all handled wording of a SA with you having primary custody. That's the way its been for us so far, as we've been separated for a year, and Ive had the kids. He's been in and out of jobs, apartments, and is just really super unstable financially. But I don't know that he'll *agree* to wording of me as custodial parent in a SA.

Ideas?
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#248 of 305 Old 11-14-2010, 04:10 AM
 
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bump smile.gif

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#249 of 305 Old 11-14-2010, 06:47 AM
 
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Well I feel like an old timer, though I have not been on this thread for a while. Let me just say I have seen the good,bad and ugly of the court system. Which is a money making machine for family court and these are some things I have learned along the way.

 

The sweet, flexible, he would never do that father can change and with a new relationship on board he may not even be the leader.

Expect the best but always prepare for the worst.

Keep all communication of importance in writing and for some people you need to do this for all communication.

Begin an organized system early on: Documentation, letters, phone log, proof of the child going on visits, etc. I know this may sound extreme to some but for others it will be a saver for you child.

Those of you with "great wording" in your agreement that is great--most people, even great mothers do not get it.

Do not assume that if the father has had past issues that it means the court will do what is right, many abusers etc, have won custody.

Even tho you may need child support, when you force another to pay, especially someone who is leaving you alone and letting you raise the child, expect a war if you force the support. Sadly many mothers who went after support, even to a father who had no contact, ended up in a huge and COSTLY fight only to lose custody. This happens due to control and lots of fathers are now told, if you have custody you will not have to pay cs, and better, she will pay you. Also, they know if they have custody you will do anything to see the child and so for the ones who really do not want to parent they can send to you whenever they want.

Further,  the long term cost of a lawyer will be far more than you get in child support. I did not pursue cs but I have still paid out almost 100,000 in legal fees and I know mothers who have paid far more.

This happens every day even in the most unlikely situations. I say this from experience as a mother and child therapist.

Best to all of you that are just starting. Enjoy every minute with your children.

 

qsmama

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#250 of 305 Old 12-22-2010, 10:11 AM
 
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Finally got the SA fixed!!! Happy, now I send it to my lawyer, who makes all the edits and passes it along to ex, for his "approval."

 

Thanks for all the ideas, mamas!

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#251 of 305 Old 03-29-2011, 06:16 AM
 
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bump


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#252 of 305 Old 03-31-2011, 04:39 PM
 
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Thanks to worthy for the bump and to provocotiva for mentioning this thread to me in another thread. I've got a lot of studying to do. One question, how does one prove that the child is going for visits?

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#253 of 305 Old 04-03-2011, 07:18 AM
 
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Thanks for this thread. 

 

Inside out…I always send an email a few days before the visit confirming the exact arrangments. We have a pretty detailed visit schedule/rotation so it's not an issue…but I keep a record both in a daytimer and via email. I have a folder in gmail that is just my emails with him, and I print out any that cover contentious stuff and keep them in a binder. Just in case gmail ever goes down.

 

We tried mediation for a year…it was a mess.  We are not starting with lawyers-mine is more collaborative and his more litigious…so far we've done more in two months than the past year.  The custody order is almost done..I think. wink1.gif  L 

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#254 of 305 Old 05-17-2011, 06:30 PM
 
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 bump.gif   bumpety-bump for the newest mommas starting on their divorce journey


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#255 of 305 Old 05-17-2011, 08:19 PM
 
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This thread is so incredibly helpful. I sent off my papers to the lawyer recently and included a note with many issues mentioned here. I would never have thought of 1/2 of the issues mentioned.

 

Many thanks Mamas for sharing!

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#256 of 305 Old 05-17-2011, 08:46 PM
 
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I've been subbed to this thread since like 08 and now it has really helped me hammer out what i need.  thanks to all who contributed.

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#257 of 305 Old 05-18-2011, 12:03 AM
 
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Wow...helpful stuff.  So sad that I need this help, though...

 


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#258 of 305 Old 07-07-2011, 11:39 AM
 
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I am going through my first draft of my agreement and wanted to double check this thread... bumping it up. If it's not stickied, it should be. I also wonder if anyone would care to take the time to go through, cut and paste all actual suggestions related to the agreements, and just start a new easy to read list to be stickied! 

 

I mean... not me, but someone...

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#259 of 305 Old 07-08-2011, 05:03 PM
 
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subbing - i love the suggestions and will take the time later tonight to read and take notes on the whole dang thread.

 

Thanks for guiding us and sharing your BTDT wisdom!

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#260 of 305 Old 07-25-2011, 02:40 PM
 
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No monthly summer vsitation until the child is five years old.

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#261 of 305 Old 06-27-2012, 08:54 PM
 
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bump.gif   yet another bumpety-bump for the mommas who might find this handy =)

 

 

and a quick update that StillSnarky, the awesome momma who started this thread, has an amazing chocolate biz now (seriously, some of my favorite treats ever!) and they're opening a cafe soon!  http://www.snakeandbutterfly.com/

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#262 of 305 Old 06-27-2012, 09:20 PM
 
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Maybe this was already mentioned. But right now I'm in a position where I really need medical insurance and have none. (The kids are still insured through ex's employer insurance.) I am wishing that I had made it so that I was still covered under his insurance until I found an affordable replacement. We're going to see about getting the decree amended so that I am still covered... it doesn't even cost him any extra so it doesn't really make sense NOT to put me on it, really.

 

eta: So awesome about the chocolate shop!! Checking out the website now :)


Single student mama to dd 5/04 and ds 11/07.

 

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#263 of 305 Old 06-28-2012, 04:45 AM
 
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In regards to health insurance, once the divorce is final, you cannot be on his policy anymore.  What happens is that you can sign up for COBRA.  And if the cost of COBRA (which is separate from the regular premiums) isn't addressed in the court order, you would be responsible for paying it. 

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#264 of 305 Old 07-10-2012, 07:02 AM
 
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This is an amazing thread... How many of these things do you think I could apply to my situation being never married to the guy but carrying his child? (But he makes over 100k/year)


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#265 of 305 Old 07-26-2012, 02:50 PM
 
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#266 of 305 Old 08-05-2012, 01:27 PM
 
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Thank you all for the wonderful thread! I went page by page & copied everything that would work for us. It is great to have these words of wisdom available to all of us newbies:)

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#267 of 305 Old 09-11-2012, 07:57 PM
 
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Thank you!  Thank you!  Thank you! 

 

Here is my list of what I'm going to request:

 

  1. Health, dental, vision until 23.
  2. Child support until after completion of school.  If in graduate school and over age 23, then cs goes directly to child.
  3. College costs...  Monthly funding of investment account for college...
  4. Extracurricular activities, summer camp, schooling (pre-school costs), daycare costs... based on % of income
  5. Head of household tax exemption (to whom...in the future when I go back to work, I get one exemption, he gets the other {we have 2 children})
  6. Copays, uninsured medical expenses and prescriptions based on % of income
  7. Orthodontia cost in the future
  8. a right of first refusal clause
  9. Birthdays, holidays, winter, spring, summer break, weekends (prioritize and notice for weeks)
  10. legal fees if need to go to court to rework agreement are paid by STBXH
  11. % his salary every year, (until he retires?), payable in full by April 15, for my retirement purposes.
  12. A full background check is provided to the other when one of us plans on living with someone
  13. Prior to introducing any significant other to child, ex-spouse must meet the individual
  14. Life insurance to be maintained with me as beneficiary (annual proof a coverage)
  15. If there is an accident/serious injury, you will be called and allowed to come see your child even if it is still their time
  16. have yourself listed as making medical, educational decisions
  17. Must give you itinerary if traveling with them
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#268 of 305 Old 09-12-2012, 12:25 PM
 
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Child support for college really depends on state statutes and can  be difficult to enforce.  The reasoning is this:  No child can require his/her parent to fund college.  Parents are not obligated to support any child 18 and older, whether divorced or married.  Some states have agreed to college support but it can be hard to enforce.  It is probably very unlikely that a parent could be required to pay monies to an adult child (18 and over) except maybe for college until age 21.  It seems highly unlikely to get monies for grad school or for students over age 21. You can google and check specifics for your state.

 

A friend of mine inTennessee had this language written into her divorce, but it has proven impossible to enforce.  Most kids can work while in school, pay part of their own way, take a year off every other year to work/save, etc.  Mine did this and graduated with no loans, taking 5 or 6 years of combo work/school to get there. Grad school has been free for two of them (hospital paid for tuition for one and a PhD for the other, salaried).  Just info....

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#269 of 305 Old 09-13-2012, 06:37 PM
 
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  1. Head of household tax exemption (to whom...in the future when I go back to work, I get one exemption, he gets the other {we have 2 children})

 

FYI. head of household is a filing status.  And in order to qualify for it, you must have the child for the majority of overnights in the year.  This is also the qualification for EIC.  Doesn't matter who claims the tax exemption for the child(ren), if they live with you for the majority if the year, you get HOH and the EIC for both kids.  The child tax credit follows the exemption, doesn't matter who the child lives with for the majority of the year.  The IRS has deemed that it follows the exemption. 

 

And I agee with the life insurance, but I would take it one step further and require that BOTH parties have a life insurance policy naming the other as beneficiary.  My ex and I have this.  Which only makes sense, if I were to die, he's going to need the money to make sure the kids are taken care of. 

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#270 of 305 Old 09-14-2012, 12:14 AM
 
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Originally Posted by thanneaKS View Post

Child support for college really depends on state statutes and can  be difficult to enforce.  The reasoning is this:  No child can require his/her parent to fund college.  Parents are not obligated to support any child 18 and older, whether divorced or married.  Some states have agreed to college support but it can be hard to enforce.  It is probably very unlikely that a parent could be required to pay monies to an adult child (18 and over) except maybe for college until age 21.  It seems highly unlikely to get monies for grad school or for students over age 21. You can google and check specifics for your state.

 

A friend of mine inTennessee had this language written into her divorce, but it has proven impossible to enforce.  Most kids can work while in school, pay part of their own way, take a year off every other year to work/save, etc.  Mine did this and graduated with no loans, taking 5 or 6 years of combo work/school to get there. Grad school has been free for two of them (hospital paid for tuition for one and a PhD for the other, salaried).  Just info....

Good to know.  I will google and ask my lawyer when we get to this point.  My STBX and I are opting to do a Collaborative Law Divorce.  Hopefully, he will be agreeable to my requests.  As for the kids paying for part of their schooling, I'm all for that.  I did it myself.  I just want to ask for as much as I can and hopefully some of it will "stick".

Originally Posted by Goodmom2008 View Post

 

FYI. head of household is a filing status.  And in order to qualify for it, you must have the child for the majority of overnights in the year.  This is also the qualification for EIC.  Doesn't matter who claims the tax exemption for the child(ren), if they live with you for the majority if the year, you get HOH and the EIC for both kids.  The child tax credit follows the exemption, doesn't matter who the child lives with for the majority of the year.  The IRS has deemed that it follows the exemption. 

 

And I agee with the life insurance, but I would take it one step further and require that BOTH parties have a life insurance policy naming the other as beneficiary.  My ex and I have this.  Which only makes sense, if I were to die, he's going to need the money to make sure the kids are taken care of. 

Thanks for the information.  I'm not really aware of the tax portion of my divorce.  As for life insurance, good point.  Although, I'm a stay at home mom and it irks me to put a monetary value on my part of the parenting.  I know I will eventually go back to work when the kids are in grade school.

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