Mothering Forum banner

I left

1K views 21 replies 16 participants last post by  Mama_of_1 
#1 ·
I posted last week about leaving a good man and had decided to get some counseling to see if working on me could make "us" work. Well, I just can't stay. I'm too emotionally burnt out to go into the story of what happened to make me leave, but the decision has been made. I told him yesterday and am now adjusting to this new reality. I am relieved, sad, scared, guilty, and a million other things. I am trying to just allow myself time to grieve, but my head is filled with so many questions. How will I make money? Why didn't I go to college when I had the chance? Where will I live? How will my kids handle this? Will I be o.k.? I KNOW this is the right choice, but Oh my G. is it hard! I have my first therapy session tonight, but at $100 a session I don't think I'll be able to go for very long. I'm hoping tonight she can just help me make a plan for the next few weeks. So I guess I'll be posting here a lot and drawing strength from all you have gone before me. I'm so glad this board exists!
 
#3 ·
I hope things work out ok for you.

You're going to have a lot of people telling you stuff like "you're going to be fine" and "you'll make it through", and it'll probably annoy you at first (I know it did me), but after a while you just sort of find a new way.

I know it's hard and you're really emotionally now, but it'll get better, I promise.
 
#5 ·
When we make a decision that we know has to be made, it's easier to deal with things after the fact.

Being single and especially adjusting in that first year is a challenge. Whenever you feel completely overwhelmed, come here and read the stickie at the top about why I love being a single parent.

I know it seems like you have to have all the answers today. YOU DON'T. Life has a way of just sort of happening and each decision is dealt with in time and on it's own.

Use whatever support you have available to you. Accept help when it's offered. Be kind to yourself.

Much love and support to you and your family as you make this transition.
 
#7 ·
Big hugs to you.

Yes it is hard, so hard. I am just approaching the one year anniversary of when I left. So much has changed in the last year.

But we are all alive and healthy. We still find ways to laugh.

The decision is huge. Just beginning to live with it, knowing you are going to keep living with it and asking yourself how. It's overwhelming.

You can do it. Breathe, love your kids, and remember, it's one step at a time. Some big steps, some little steps, but everything will fall into place eventually.
 
#8 ·


It is going to be hard for awhile. One minute you can feel so free and so happy and the next it will feel like the depths of despair. You will get thru it though. Make sure you let people know you need help though or they won't be able to help.

Make sure you are taking moments for yourself when you can...brew a cup of herbal tea and take a bubble bath, write in your journal, whatever.

Oh! And make sure you EAT and drink water when you can't stomache anything else. I seriously lost 30 pounds the first month after my ex and I split up. It was a very difficult time for me. My step-mom finally got me to realize that if I didn't force some food I wasn't going to be able to take care of my kids. It sucks eating when you feel so bad, but it really is important!
 
#9 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Bixby View Post


Oh! And make sure you EAT and drink water when you can't stomache anything else. I seriously lost 30 pounds the first month after my ex and I split up. It was a very difficult time for me. My step-mom finally got me to realize that if I didn't force some food I wasn't going to be able to take care of my kids. It sucks eating when you feel so bad, but it really is important!
The divorce diet... a proven success.


Seriously now,

Taking care of yourself is very important. Now more than ever.
 
#10 ·
I dont know how we do it, but we do it. (eventually you may look back at your relationship and think "how did I do THAT??) I think the fact that it all happens one moment at a time is key. I get really anxious wanting to figure things all out at once~desperate! I try to think of what is right about RIGHT NOW when I am freaking out. Even if it's just 'the dishes are washed, I have 5 minutes to sit and breathe, I have x y and z friends love and support' YOu can always find something that is steady about your situation/ moment/ day/ life. And amen to eating and drinking! SOOOOO important. Big hugs and lots of love to you. Trust yourself.
 
#11 ·
Thanks ladies. I could stand to lose 30 pounds, but I'm an emotional eater so the divorce diet just might not apply to me
If it does happen I will make sure to stay nourished for the sake of my nursling. Still in the stage of denial so life is seeming doable today. We are going to the lawyer in the morning. It's happening fast, but I need it to finally be done so I can move on. I am committed to staying home with my kids as much as possible so I am searching for ways to make enough and live frugally enough to allow for that. I am getting my butt in gear to get my C.P.M sooner than I'd planned so that I can least start earning a little more. Until then I am very thankful for my doula work and will add to that as I can.
 
#13 ·
Are you my doppelganger?

Same boat, same fears. Same should I accelerate my CPM when I swore I'd never work in a birth clinic in a foreign country, and what would I do with my kids anyway if I needed to do that.

So what if I didn't find engineering fulfilling? I had a scholarship! Why didn't I finish!? And why can't I be called to be a computer programmer instead of a midwife? The pay is definitely better and more reliable. And then my kids would at least have the comfort of knowing I'd be there Christmas morning.

I can't give it up though. Heaven knows I've tried.

Being in the thick of it- I don't have any advice. Just, yeah, it sucks doesn't it?

Best of everything to you sister!

P.S. Oddly enough I meant to respond to your 'Leaving a good man' thread because of being in a similar circumstance. I had no idea you were a student midwife too then.
 
#18 ·
It means so much to be thought of
The lawyer was a 2 second ordeal who helped us with a pressing financial matter, but then informed us he doesn't handle divorce. I made an appointment with someone else for next Wednesday. In Pennsylvania there has to be a recorded 90 day cooling off period before you can proceed with a divorce so I really want to get this started.
I feel weird today. This will seem silly but stbx is being sooo nice and it's pissing me off. It's like he's finally free. He gets everything he wants and he didn't have to be the bad guy. I will forever be the one that left. Yet when I said I was leaving he didn't ask why. He didn't wonder how he could make me stay. He didn't break down. He is really okay with it...he is free and I am the one that broke up my family. I am angry today.
 
#21 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by red moon View Post
I dont know how we do it, but we do it. (eventually you may look back at your relationship and think "how did I do THAT??) I think the fact that it all happens one moment at a time is key. I get really anxious wanting to figure things all out at once~desperate! I try to think of what is right about RIGHT NOW when I am freaking out. Even if it's just 'the dishes are washed, I have 5 minutes to sit and breathe, I have x y and z friends love and support' YOu can always find something that is steady about your situation/ moment/ day/ life. And amen to eating and drinking! SOOOOO important. Big hugs and lots of love to you. Trust yourself.
I love the above post. That's exactly how I got through this last year as we've wrangled our divorce agreement. Many days I would literally think about putting one foot in front of the other one, just to keep going. Getting divorced and seeing the upheaval it causes (especially for your children) makes it feel like the whole world is exploding, but there are still tangible and real and good things about your life on any given day.

And I hear you on dealing with ex's smug attitude, because even though I wanted my stbx to move out (years ago now, though our actual divorce is just becoming legal any day now) because he was abusive in a myriad of ways, emotionally absent, not a partner or friend in ANY aspect, yes, it's still to this day "my fault" that we're divorcing. It really is beyond frustrating. But then I think, Who cares what he thinks? I know exactly what he's made of, and I do not value his opinion. Even if HAD been my idea to get divorced, then good for me! because NOBODY should live like that.
 
#22 ·
I'm in the midst of starting our separation so I know exactly how you feel: scared, angry, hopeful, nervous, weepy. Yup, I got you covered sister!
My STBX is also a good man, just not the right man for my needs. Hey, this is #2 for me so I'm taking myself out of the game if #3 doesn't work!
 
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top