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Do Those Around You *Get It* ?

571 views 12 replies 11 participants last post by  Holland73 
#1 ·
I'm just wondering if the friends/family/coworkers/sig others you have around you really *get* what single mamahood is like/about? Do you feel they support you? Understand you? Are they empathetic and not judgemental?

I'm currently having a difficult time explaining and getting a close friend of mine to understand what being a working full time single mama means, and how it really is a special sort of exhaustion. But he just doesn't get it. Granted he tends to look at the world being all about him, so i'm not sure he ever will, but i wondered if anyone has had to deal with explaining things to someone important.
 
#3 ·
My closer friends are supportive. But I don't believe anyone really "gets it" until they've been there. Like I said on another thread, it's a lot like trying to understand parenthood before you become a parent.

The other day an older male friend of mine said, because I recently found employment, "Welcome to the real world." I wanted to scream in his face, "Is this YOUR world???"
 
#4 ·
Well, it wouldn't be a problem if he weren't so sure that we 'fit'. He says he's in love with me, and understands where i am with that regard, and says i just don't know, because of what H has done to me. Which is sweet and kind. And i love spending time with him, and in a really good way i do love him, but not like that. Anyway we spend a lot of our time together, and he considers me his GF. So, it is something we've come up against lately because i'm just not able to be everywhere he wants me to be, and he doesn't get it.

At first i was really surprised, because he's dated other girls with kids. However those girls had their own places, DIDN'T WORK, and the kids were with their fathers every other week. So it's a totally different ball game than the one i'm playing. Where i work 44 hours + a week, have a weekend cleaning job, am the only care taker for DS, and do not get financial or physical support from H. In the last 2 years H has seen DS twice. So it's just completely different. And he doesn't get it.

I have a lot of family members who don't really understand either. They're fairly supportive, but my family hasn't had anyone divorce or anything. So they just don't get it. So i feel like i'm trying to live up to an unattainable standard because they don't get it.
 
#5 ·
Thanks for explaining it more. I am sorry he doesn't get it. It sounds like something i am dealing with except my friend never has or been around kids. (He likes my kids and my kids like him alot too)Or having to deal with a x. I also enjoy spending time with him and he feels the same but there is nothing more i can do to make him see things different. So i am just taking it one day at a time and just see what happens right now, i have to put more focus on myself and my children. I don't think i was much help but i am listening to you. Remember what you said to me yesterday, stay postive!!!!
 
#6 ·
I don't think they do. I tried to call up a friend when I needed help really bad. I mean I told her I was dizzy and couldn't stand up for more than a couple minutes, I had a wicked ear ache and needed medicine, and she was like "oh ,I'm sorry to hear that, I'm going down to R's house, talk to you later". I really wanted to cry. Sometimes I wonder why it is so hard for my friends to grasp that I am doing it all alone and I need help once in awhile.
 
#7 ·
Sorry he doesn't get it! I don't really think anyone can get it until they have been where we are. My mom (who I love dearly) says she was a single mom to my brother and I, but she really never was except for like a minute. She got married right after her and my father divorced, married for 7 years, divorced, married until we were adults. She always had someone paying the bills, she worked but she didn't have to all the time. So I don't really think she gets it - or anyone else for that matter.

I have no desire, or time, to date, I just know that it couldn't work. I am the only caregiver of ds, his father isn't around so I have no "free time". I can't imagine a man understanding that.

The good news is that we all understand
 
#8 ·
I only have one close friend and she is totally supportive and sympathetic.

But, I don't think anyone can get it unless they've been there.

There are special challenges to being a single mom and most people just have no freaking clue ... AND THEY NEVER WILL.

To be honest, I don't think your friend is EVER going to truly understand. The question is, does he understand enough to be accomodating and flexible of the way your life is structured right now and the limited time that you have, and it does not sound like he is.

Sorry if that sounds over blunt.
If you think this guy can change enough to be workable, that's great. It does not sound like he's there right now. Hopefully it will work out however you want it to, mama.
 
#9 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by ButterflyStarburst View Post
I'm just wondering if the friends/family/coworkers/sig others you have around you really *get* what single mamahood is like/about? Do you feel they support you? Understand you? Are they empathetic and not judgemental?
No to all of that.
 
#10 ·
is he generally not so good at thinking compassionately or is he just pretending to be dense so he can keep on having you do all the jumping through hoops.

My ex didn't get what being a mother was and he didn't want to he just wanted what he wanted when he wanted it.

sorry that was probably not your situation but it reminded me of how some people just don't care, they don't want to be inconvenienced.

Hopefully that's not your situation.
 
#11 ·
I think it would very enlightening for a non-single mother person to trade lives for a week with a single mother. Live on her budget, work the hours she/he need to to bring home that extra needed to pay what must be paid--or else! Get the kids up, get them fed, healthily, get them off to school with all of their packs and lunches or money and permission slips. etc. Arrive at work refreshed after having to put that kids' sandwich back together when it fell apart on the back seat, and having to dab the spot on his shirt that it made, and raise your voice to him that he IS going to school WITH the stain, get over it!

Big A$$ surprise Number One for our Substitute Single Parent: You don't get to return home and get back in bed, or watch tv: you clean up the mess, you start the laundry which you'll be doing all day. (God, I've tried this, or really, I've tried to try this... it can't be done, there is simply too much to do.)

You're four hours in to this drudgery before you remember you were going to start writing your novel TODAY! You get groceries, put them up, defrost dinner, etc., etc. OH NO, you're late for work!! Pay's getting docked, IF you even still have your job. No, I'm not talking about the same person, One here is a wohm, one is a sahm--wrong, it is the same person: sh's just got to be at work AND at home at the same time.

Big A$$ surprise number two: Substitute Single Mom gets paid $14.75/hr to do the very same job he does, too, but he make $35/hr. He's thinking, "not possible. How can I pay the bills with this tiny check? Reality check: you can't, but you have to figure out a way TO do it anyway. You get a part time job on weekend.

This would make such a great sitcom, really. Let Substitute try to figure it out, and let the dialogue be specific and speak to the issue at hand. Kind of a modern day feminist Prince and the Pauper. The nation needs to really SEE how hard it is financially, mentally, emotionally, physically, etc.

VF
 
#12 ·
People around me seem to really get it. Usually the only thing that gets to me is people sometimes forget that I have kids and I can't just go out with them... but this is usually the college kids that I've hung around with, which none of them have kids. But my mom friends, they all get it and offer help sometimes. My parents get it and will take the kids overnight and lend me money in a heartbeat. My GF gets it, instead of my trying to drag my kids over to her house, she comes here 99% of the time. My work gets it and never blinks an eye if I have to miss because of my kids and the same with my professors, most of them have been very helpful when I had to miss school.
 
#13 ·
The people around me get it too.

Many of my classmates are single, in their mid-20s, and are ALWAYS offering to help me out. I have had called upon a couple of classmates and they are there in a heartbeat. Granted, they are all soon-to-be-teachers, so maybe that has something to do with it.


My professors and cooperating teachers (as I am student-teaching) are also understanding and supportive. My current cooperating teacher is a single mama to 2, so we share our "war" stories together. It is great.

The best of all are my parents. They are absolutely fabulous and probably the most supportive in the most ways...money, childcare, sympathy, etc, etc.
 
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