I'm mama to my amazing daughter who is 20 months old now. We separated from my husband of 7 years, her father, just over a year ago when she was 8 months old. We moved across the state and have been here in a sort of a holding pattern while I consider our next move.
I have been at home with her since her birth, and currently plan to enroll full time in graduate school this fall, moving us halfway of the distance back towards H (I don't really have an abbreviation for him...he's certainly not a 'D' but not yet technically a 'STBX' )
Many changes are coming up for us in the next 6 months. It is both exciting and very frightening.
I really enjoy this board and am making an effort to participate more.
I'm a single mama to a wonderful babe (13 months). I'm from Oregon. The ex and I broke up right after I found out I was pregnant, so I've been on my own the whole time. We were never married, and we had only dated for a couple of months when I got pregnant. There have been some rough patches for sure (ex was not good to me after baby was born...had to get restraining order and go to court and all that..) But now things seem to have mellowed out and am finally at a place where I am comfortable w/ ex's visits...(I have full custody, he has 2x/week visits) and have even been asking him to watch my ds for longer periods of time. He seems to genuinely love ds and want to do the right thing by him. I am starting to come to a place where I am grateful that even though he really hurt me and was not a good partner to me, he still can be a good parent to my boy...(fingers crossed on that one
Oh yeah, I work part-time outside the home (am starting grad school in the fall) and I have just started getting regular child-support...maybe I can finally get those bill-collectors off my case!
anyway - my older three go to a public traditional school, I work p/t mostly during school hours and my retired father in law watches my twins and picks my older ones up from school - I'm off usually in time to meet them at the playground after school. I'm working at Tim Horton's - coffee - just over min wage - butI don' thave to drive and it's right across the street from the kids school. I have subidzied housing - live in a housing co-op and working to get to know my neighbours and he is paying child support (though will likely have to pay more once I can get a court order).
I'm trying to process the abuse and stuff - going to the women's centre - talking to peer cousnelloers when I can and on a wait list for trauma counselling. Stbx lives with his dad & step-mom and brother and when he has the kids for visitation - one or more of them is with him and there are no overnights. The longest would be maybe 8 hours for a day - esp if I'm working on a weekend (usually I work 6 hour shifts, but sometimes 8) - but sometimes just a couple hours.
single mama to 5 (12.5, 11, 10, and 8 year old twins)
I'm 42 yrs old, separated for almost 2 years and soon to be divorced, and I have an 8 week old son and a 3 yr old son.
I was working in China when I met the father. Who knows what I saw in him. I tend to blame it on my biological clock going into alarm mode at 38!
Anyway, there was some sort of spark there and I agreed to marry him so I could sponsor him to come back to Canada with me and we could make a go of being together. Then right before I left the country I found out I was pregnant. I cried when I realized that the father was a man with no skills (language or otherwise) to help support a family in Canada.
But I was in denial the whole year that it took for me to get him into Canada, thinking that at least I would have a happy little family at last. He arrived when our son was 3 months old, and we started fighting the very next day!
He is not a bad person but extremely immature and dependent on others to take care of him. We are totally incompatible in terms of personality and culture. Nevertheless I toughed it out for one hellish year before making him leave.
However, we remained on relatively good terms (on and off) and during the summer after he left he helped me on a shopping trip one day, and one thing led to another.... It was totally unexpected (and unprotected) and I got pregnant again. Deep down I was happy because I wanted another baby, but was scared to death about doing it all on my own (I get zero financial support and help only sporadically).
So, here I am. We will be filing (jointly) for divorce as soon as I get my baby's birth certificate. My ex. has been on social assistance almost the entire time we have been separated. In his view, the only reason to work in Canada is to get enough weeks for unemployment. I have a good job and good maternity benefits, so even though he says he will waive alimony and pays no child support, the lawyer says I might be forced to pay HIM support. Yikes!
I'm looking forward to getting to know everyone on this board!
I have another longstanding user name that I had to give up because X used my prior posts against me in negotiations re terms of our separation and divorce. Lovely. I am also one of your fan club, Still Snarky/Celeste.
I had been with X for 13 years. We separated in late December after an incident of physical abuse that occurred when we were staying at a vacation home with family & others saw what happened. Had there not been witnesses I am afraid that I might still have stayed because I was in such deep denial about whether our relationship might right itself and turn out OK. I had beautiful dreams about how we were supposed to be together, and there were many things I did and do love about X. But over the years he came to view anything that was wrong with his life as my fault or my responsibility to fix, and even though I tried like nobody's business, in the end, no one can heal another person by force of will and I was unable to heal him. There was dreadful verbal and emotional abuse, and increasing physical abuse, especially for the past two years.
We have a 2 3/4 year old daughter. At first I was incredibly worried about agreeing to him having overnights with her because he has shown such horrid judgment toward me and of course I worry that he will cause her emotional harm as well. But I did a lot of reading and thinking & realized that he is going to be her dad regardless of our problems and that she would not thank me later for compromising that relationship. If there are problems because he lacks insight into how he wants other people to fix whatever is wrong with him -- and I expect there may be -- I can be a safe place for her to process that if need be. He takes good care of her & thinks she is wonderful, and ever since we started overnights (now two days in a row) things have been easier for her emotionally. The child psychologist we are working with pointed out that more frequent shorter visits put her through the wringer of separation from one parent or the other far more often, and that does seem to be the case for her.
So far DD seems to be doing great. She is starting preschool next month & her best friend so far is moving to another state at the same time, and we are doing a potty training boot camp right now she can be ready for school, so there are lots of transitions to deal with, but she seems to be handling them well. She remembers that we all used to live together & would definitely prefer that we go back to that, but the current arrangement -- which is objectively so much better for her -- seems like an acceptable second best even from her point of view.
I too love this board. Such inspiring women, making clear that this can turn out OK. It's hard & sad sometimes though, and it helps that that is acknowledged here too.
Welcome to the board. I have been a single mom for 3 and a half years now. Things have finally gotten better in a lot of ways for me and I am really starting to grow. I come to these boards off and on depending on how crazy my life gets. Every time that I don't know what to do in my parenting this is the first place that I turn. All the info about my kids is listed in my siggy.
Wife to and mama to: dd(14) ds(12)twin ds'(10)
X and I split after 8 yrs living together (5.5 married). He was a compulsive cheater and I didn't even know. It's been a VERY rocky road- police, an arrest (his!), child support, getting back together (what was I thinking???) My kids are good. I was a SAHM. Now I'm working full-time and FINALLY have a good job that's decent pay and within 15 minutes.
I'm still in my same house (which was a big stabilizer mentally for me). I'm worried about the financial ramifications of that decision but it's what I know I needed to not go off at the deep end. It's been 18 mos alone and it's rough.
Having some definite slight depression. Just feeling mopey a lot. I'm lonely. I find myself calling people constantly to fill the void.
My kids are great. DD5 is finishing up kindergarten. (That's been a rocky road due to maturity issues I feel are related to the divorce.) DS3 is ending a year of daycare. Fall he'll start preschool. My mom's moving in with me for the next year to help with the kids since my childcare voucher is ending and I really want DS to attend preschool part-time rather than daycare full-time.
On a positive note, DisneyWorld in 5 days with my parents, brother, and kids. Yes, my mommy and daddy are taking their 30 year old daughter and 33 year old son to DisneyWorld.
i made it so far. more later gtg.
I'm Gwen, 38 (yikes!) in two weeks, and mom to Hannah, who just turned 5. Stbx & I were together for 8 years, married for 5, 'separated' for 1.5, but physically since January. He just really wants a mother, not a wife and I really wanted a partner, not another child. He asked for a divorce a week after I applied to go back to school in Nov 05. I said I was going back and staying in the house, he stayed in the house too (separate room) until this January. It was a loooong 14 months. It was horrible even though he's not abusive or addicted, but it was like living with a surly teenager.
So I did a Masters in a year, got my library degree, found a leave replacement job & am looking for something permanent for September. I'm starting to find myself again and letting go of some of the anger and resentment I harbor for stbx. I'm starting to think about dating but don't know if I'm ready to go there yet. I'm still working on me right now.
It's been stressful doing it all myself, but also freeing in that I have do deal with his crap weekly and not daily. He has been fine with the financial aspect of everything, but it's draining to deal with him because he's so clueless about everything. And he moved back in with his parents (so much for needing to find his own way) which also brings dd into more contact than I'd like with his mother and lets him pass the buck on his responsibility all the more.
I love MDC & this forum is awesome. I have learned so much from you all here.
I'm not around here much but when I'm on MDC these day's it's usually here in this forum, and News...
I'm 24, been a solo mama to 2 beautiful little ones for almost a year now... my kids: one in elementary school and one who is at a sitter during the day while I work (hoping to get her in a preschool type daycare center come July so she has a little more diversity around her ~ !!)...
I have full custody (legal and physical) of both kids... my ex- completely split after we separated and doesn't pay child support, doesn't see them, etc.
I work and go to school full-time.... and at the moment am neglecting the first Final exam of the Summer session.
/ feeling exhausted
I love eating corn dogs and watching movies with my kids. Other (non-work / non-school / non-kid related) things I occupy my time with ~ reading copious amounts of Everything Available (generally: political science and literary fiction), watching old sci-fi (original series star trek, sliders, x-files), drawing furry art, and arranging LARP games that never seem to work out... :
alright - I take offense here - you can't call x-files 'old' sci-fi!!
Well I prefer the 1st and 2nd seasons, and I figure, they've been off the air (network anyway) for long enough they qualify as "relatively old."
I also love the old B&W ORIGINAL Outer Limits and Twilight Zone...
I have 2 boys, 9 & 2. I've been a single mom since DS1 was born (left his bio-dad when I was 4 months preg.) I was in a serious relationship for about 4 of those years, which ended for good right after DS2 was born.
It's been a long and winding journey, but I'm finally ready to move into the married world I still post sometimes when something catches my eye.
This board is wonderful and got me through a few really hard years. you guys rock!
STBX-H and I are divorcing for so many reasons. He claims I fell out of love with him. Which I did, but only after he consistently lied to me and treated me like crap. He conveniently leaves that part out when telling the story.
We have 3 little boys--6, 5, and 2. They will be moving with me to another state as soon as we sign divorce papers. STBX isn't thrilled with the idea, but he does admit that he knows it will be best for them.
We have just started the divorce process. We told the kids last week and also consulted with a lawyer. We're using the same lawyer and getting a (very) reduced rate since we are only using him to answer questions, draw up papers & file them.
Outside the kids and the divorce, I don't have much of a life. I've been a SAHM for 6 years. I am halfway to my bachelor's degree, which I will be finishing as soon as I move. I plan to eventually have a Masters degree in speech-language pathology.
My oldest does have a different bio dad who has met her once. I married current H when she turned 2. It was a big mistake. I foolishly thought I'd better grab the first guy to fall in love with me, as my prospects for love must be terrible! (Me at 27, gorgeous , with one absolutely adorable two year old daughter Never mind that he was spending every night closing down the bars and living in a van! Hey, I never said I was smart.
I'm really really really hoping I can do this and still homeschool. My H will probably pay cs, but how much and how often? I'm researching all the ideas I can think of to work at home. Anyone with ideas, please toss them my way.
I'm in a pretty good space right now. Honestly, I realized this was a mess on our wedding day when my new husband wanted to drink and smoke himself into oblivion with his friends and then pass out (read- no sex on our wedding night- kind of a bad sign). It's been almost seven years of grieving and letting go since then. So the idea that I might finally get to leave is a giant relief for me!
I really love this board. It's been very inspiring for me!
Step mom to Malakie, Cameron , and Aurelia
I'm a single mother to my beautiful, hilarious 6-year-old son. Excuse me, 6.5. I've been told the half is very important. I honestly can't remember how long I've been divorced. I think it's been 2 years, separated for 3.5, but it may be 3 years, separated for 4.5. How ridiculous is that?
I graduated from law school last May and am presently working as a government attorney after enduring 6 months or so of a generally terrible judicial clerkship. The work situation is much better now - more flexible and conducive to being a parent. That said, I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do when I grow up.
The ex and I have joint custody with ds' primary residence being with me. We're fortunate to have a good co-parenting relationship and still do things as a family from time-to-time.
Stbxh is emotionally abusive and lives in his own world of lies and exaggerations to the point where he even forged his own uni degree.
We are in the process of going thru custody stuff and as much as I would like for him to dissappear off the planet his kids love him to bits and for now I still believe they need to keep in contact with their father.
He claims he is changing and going to a psychologist and getting hypnotherapy etc and I would really like to believe he is capable of changing I know in my heart he can't change.
Peggy: full-time shift-working mama to Kiddo (Nov|04) and Babygirl (May|11). Fiancée to Babe. Step-mom to Tween, my bonus daughter (Sep|00). Currently TTC - http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/3c1739
i saw some new mamas who i thought might want to add themselves to this!
I so very much don't want to be a part of this board, and I hope you will all understand where that sentiment comes from. I'm one of those awful married people who has made comments to single mommas about not knowing how they do it and how amazing they are and being very grateful that I'd never have to find out how to do it because my marriage could never possibly end. And now I'm being thrown headfirst into that life that I've never wanted for one second.
It seems that Dh has been harboring resentments towards me for years and back in January, when he decided that he didn't want more kids and I reacted very badly to that, everything blew up. He's rewriting our past in a very ugly light, wants to think horrid things about me and not hear the truth, etc. We are still living together but are trying to work out the financial situation for him to move out. We tried counseling for a few sessions but chose the wrong counselor and it just made things worse. He started sleeping in the spare room (my office) at the beginning of April.
Our boys just turned 7 & 3 (birthdays are this week!) and we haven't told them, though I'm sure they've felt the tension in the last couple of weeks as I've started having a slight nervous breakdown. For now, they just think it's cool that Daddy has a bed in the office and I am dreading the day that we have to tell them that he isn't going to live here anymore. We are very much co-parents and I just can't wrap my brain around sharing custody or losing half of my kids lives.
Things have been fairly amicable but there is the typical crap lurking under the surface. He says that he thinks the kids should live mostly with me, and that he will make sure that we are supported financially, but at the same time he starts talking about how it's financially better for me to have them living with me, and how he will change his work schedule so that they can sleep at his house, and how he has always wanted to be able to work earlier in the day so that he could have dinner with his family (though all the times I supported him in doing that, he'd flake). I haven't worked a "real" job in 7.5 years and, on the one side, he says that he doesn't want DS2 to go to daycare, but at the same time, he is pushing like mad for me to get a job and even said that he doesn't want to ask his family for financial help because they will just tell him that I should get a job. It's just horrible and I have to keep doing his laundry and being nice to him and pretending that everything is fine and normal for the sake of my precious babies.
So, nice to meet y'all. I wish it was under better circumstances. And I'm sorry for ever thinking this couldn't happen to me.
Robin~ single, work-at-home momma to my WonderBoys
YoungMan (6/00) & LittleBoy (6/04)
Then, at age 40, I got pregnant, still not with the "right" man, but, it was the right baby. So, I got rid of the man and kept the baby! She is now 8, absolutely delightful and funny and joyous and beautiful, and we have a pretty good life. She knows him, she was able to spend some times before age six with him, TINY bits, and, he's basically history.
Now, I am constantly retooling my life to fit the sometimes at odds needs and wants of a mama who is still finding herself at nearly 50, and a daughter who at 8 is so perfectly centered in herself and those very certain desires and needs of childhood. She wants to go out and run, shout and play, and I want to go in and lay down, be quiet and sleep. She forces me up and out. She wants to talk to me, too; have daily scheduled talking TIMES, and I want to get on the computer and zone out. She wins. I listen, and we share. She asks many questions, and yet, quizzically, she KNOWS everything already!!
We have a great time; she's a big snuggler-upper, and I really, really enjoy watching her being herself; at the desk writing or reading or drawing... playing dolls, playing sea shells, whatever it is.
This does reawaken the little girl part of me who, for instance, today, got to loll around directly on the warm beach sand, not caring about a blanket or anything, just laying down on the warm sand and letting it get on my chothes and in my hair, and watching the waves crash, feeling the spray, and then just shoving sand around in a pointless way, just to let my fingers and hands PLAY IN THE SAND. Lining up flat rocks in a fence for tiny beings... 49 going on 5. When I noticed what I was doing, I realized, "So this is what it's all about? Me being a kid again."
I'm CJ. I finally, for real, for certain left my husband of 3 years last week (I ACTUALLY DID IT!!! WOOOO!! ). We have one son, Ryo, who is 14 months old. It was never a good marriage, I never loved him, neither of us were very good partners to each other, we haven't been lovers since basically the first year...bad all around.
We have been living with my grandmother together since just before our son was born. I will stay here until my best friend can help me get an apartment (he's turning out to be far more supportive than I would've thought), he is moving out next week. I was very, very, VERY scared at first. I still am. I have a lot of help with my son (he's cared for by a friend of my husband's during the week while I look for work, my grandmother helps out, and luckily my husband is a very involved father and takes him whenever he's not working one of three jobs...), but I've never been alone for very long, and getting used to the idea is extremely hard for me. Also, being a single parent is something I've always feared, as my mother as a single parent was an absolute horror show. I just don't want to repeat the episode.
Anyway, I'm new here again and really staying this time. I've learned so much just from the little I've read so far, and just wanted to express my deep gratitude and admiration for all the strong, self-sufficient mamis here who do for themselves and their kids and do it all so well. Much love and sisterhood!