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#1 of 181 Old 05-07-2007, 06:08 PM - Thread Starter
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I'm still a newbie in this forum and I'm trying to get a grasp on who everyone is. Can we do a roll call?

I'm curious to know who you and your kids are, how long you've been a single mama, what your current custody situation is, what issues you're dealing with...and anything else you care to share.

I'm Celeste from Northern California. I have an almost 3.5 year old dd and a 10 month old ds. I've been a single mama for almost 6 months (my stbx left unexpectedly after 11 years). We're still in the process of divorcing/settling but most likely I'll have physical custody and shared legal custody. Stbx is not very involved currently. We're dealing with big transitions-what its like to live without daddy in the house. My dd has been having a hard time but we're all in therapy of some sort!
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#2 of 181 Old 05-07-2007, 06:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Still_Snarky View Post
I'm still a newbie in this forum and I'm trying to get a grasp on who everyone is. Can we do a roll call?

I'm curious to know who you and your kids are, how long you've been a single mama, what your current custody situation is, what issues you're dealing with...and anything else you care to share.
I'm Miss Mommy My DD is 4.5 years old. I've never been married and have always been a single mama. I got pregnant when I was 15 and had my DD when I was 16. : Ex and I broke up shortly after DD was 6 mo, but i've always lived with my parents so i've been doing it myself all this time. I currently have sole physical custody and we share joint custody on everything else.

Everything is somewhat all : around here. I've got 2 more semesters left until I graduate with my Bachelors of Science in Nursing. I just got hired as a Student Nurse Assistant (big ol fancy name for a CNA, just with a higher pay and no benefits) up in OB so I get my baby fix up there.

Things between my ex and me are currently rocky. He's been seeing her less due to some unavoidable work schedule (*cough* and some really bad decision making) and my DD thrives on consistancy so it's just throwing her for a loop. I'm currently entertaining the idea of taking him back to court to get some financial matters settled, i just haven't had the ovarian power to do so yet.

Hopefully once I graduate, take a year to pay off my loans- we'll relocate down to Southern IL. I want to find me a cowboy Sometime after I graduate and make money, i'll go back for my Masters and eventually become a CNM.
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#3 of 181 Old 05-07-2007, 06:26 PM
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Great idea, Celeste. I've been meaning to update everyone on my situation anyway....

I'm Candy, step-mom to Amanda (14) and Ben (2). My stbx also left unexpectedly in dec '05, after 11 years together, 6.5 years married. After a year and a half in separation-limbo, during which I waited for him to work on his own issues and come to a decision about whether or not he could remain married, I gave up waiting and decided for both of us that divorcing would be healthiest. He agreed. We plan to file on our own, and are slowly working on coming up with mutual agreements before we file the paperwork.

We will remain friends and will take care of that friendship for our kids' sake. We plan to continue working together to parent our kids. I'm sad, and I still have some grieving to do to mourn the loss of him as my husband, but I'm also hopeful because it feels healthier for us to be friends instead of spouses. He can meet my needs for a friend and co-parent; he can't meet my needs for a spouse/life-mate.

DS lives with me right now, and spends all day Friday and most of Saturday with his dad, but not overnight yet as he's still nursing a lot at night. My stepdaughter, stbx's daughter, stays with me on the weekends she visits her dad because a) his apt is too small and cramped, b) I WANT her with me, c) her mom doesn't mind, d) she wants to be with her brother, e) her dad wants her to have time with her brother and with me -- he considers me as much her parent as he and her mother are (I've known her since she was 3), and f) stbx and I spend a lot of time together with both kids on the weekends she's visiting, so she's sees him anyway at my place.

This is the hardest, most painful thing I've ever gone through. I've received a lot of support and advice from mamas here, both given to me directly in response to one of my posts or queries, and also absorbed through reading the responses to other mamas. I'm grateful!
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#4 of 181 Old 05-07-2007, 06:28 PM
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I'm Colette, from Canada. I've been single since Dec. technically, and 'ma!' to a wonderful 2 year old son. My ex and I get along fairly well, pampadios, and I think life is better for all of us this way.
The only issues I worry about are my son's health, and my new gentleman friend, and I've found this forum to be quite helpful and supportive on my journey.
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#5 of 181 Old 05-07-2007, 06:35 PM
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My name is Jennifer and I have a 3.5 year old son and an almost 2 year old daughter. My separation is brand new, haven't even been able to get STBX out of the house yet. Once he leaves he will have the kids a couple days a week and I'll have them the rest of the time. We haven't told them yet and I dread it!
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#6 of 181 Old 05-07-2007, 06:42 PM
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Hi! I'm Marissa and I live in Southwestern Pennsylvania. I'm 33 years old and have been a single mom for almost four years - my x left me unexpectedly after ten years of marriage. Our kids were 9, 5, and four months at the time, and are now 13, 9 and 4. I found out after the fact that he had been cheating on me since before our youngest was conceived. I was devestated when he left. I comment occassionally on your blog, Celeste, because our situations seem so similar - we were both blindsided and are both wondering what happened to the man we married - but you put everything I felt into words so much better than I ever did.

Let's x (nothing legal has been done yet) hasn't taken the kids anywhere since October of 2005, and that was only the big two, he has never taken the little one out of the house at all. He visits sporadically, but right now he is doing 30 days in jail with work release after being convicted of his second DUI. The sad thing is that the kids don't even notice he hasn't been around - that's how sporadic the visits are.

I am raising them physically 100% on my own. I agreed to do no major life changes but I have complete control and don't have to consult him about the kids. I did inform him when we were going out of town on vacation last summer for a week, but that was honestly just a courtesy on my part. I am very lucky though that he is good with the child support - he pays what we agreed on (which using one of those online calculators tells me he would be ordered to pay when/if we go through legal channels) and he doesn't give me a hard time about paying, though I often have to remind him.

I think that's about it for me!
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#7 of 181 Old 05-07-2007, 07:29 PM
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I am Heather and mommy to Oliver, who is just about to turn 4 in July.

My X walked when Oliver was 2 months, also very unexpectedly.

My situation is a bit different, as we were living in Amsterdam, the Netherlands. My X is Dutch and still lives in Amsterdam. I returned to the US when ds was 17 months to pursue my Masters degree and to have a bigger support system.

We have no custody agreement. The Dutch courts awarded me full physical and legal custody, which my X fully agreed with. X has been over to visit once since we returned.

We are amicable with one another and when he was in town last year, we got along well. He has sporadic, very limited contact with me...never with Oliver directly. In fact, his wife just had their baby and I heard the information through the grapevine. :
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#8 of 181 Old 05-07-2007, 09:44 PM
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I'm Karen Ann. I have one DS (6 years old) who was recently diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. I've been divorced for over 3 years. I get along fine with my ex as long as I don't see him or talk to him. DS and I live with my parents. I work in a hospital. I'm very cranky today. I am logging off soon to go watch Heroes. Have a good night everyone.
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#9 of 181 Old 05-07-2007, 10:08 PM
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Originally Posted by karen ann View Post
I get along fine with my ex as long as I don't see him or talk to him.

LOL I had to reread that. I feel the same way

What do you do in the hospital?
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#10 of 181 Old 05-07-2007, 11:18 PM
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hi there. i'm emily. i have a 5 1/2 yo dd and a 2 1/2 yo ds. i was married for 7 years. stbx moved out in january after an intensely bad 6 months and what i now know was an increasingly emotionally abusive situation that got worse with each birth of our children and each year of marriage.

we have some escalating litigation but are now pursuing mediation since stbx is more worried about his bottom line than anything else.

i have been a sahm for 6 years (and occasional doula). i have been offered a position teaching childbirth classes and doing tours for a local hospital while i work on my cbe certification and get re-certified as a doula.

i have found this forum to be a wealth of information and support. thank you, mamas!
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#11 of 181 Old 05-07-2007, 11:30 PM
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I've been divorced for 5 years and separated 1 year before that. We have joint physical custody, so they spilt their time between us.

What's going on with us?

*X is being deployed in the next 5 weeks. We are waiting to tell dc until 2 weeks out. This is going to be devasting to them.

*Looking for a house with bf of 3.5 years. We have 5 dc between us - 15 years to 5.5 years. Eventually we'll be married and blended.

I love this board. The women that post here are awe-inspiring.
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#12 of 181 Old 05-08-2007, 01:07 AM
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Hi Ladies!

I am Tracy, single momma to 29 month old ds. DS's dad & I were not married and although he lived with us the first few months of ds's life we were not together, we had only known each other a few months when I got pregnant. We (ds & I) were in our room, ex in his, he was gone before we woke up in the morning and home after we were asleep. So I have been a single momma since ds was born.

We live in the Philly area and ex lies in Seattle - I have sole legal & physical custody, ex hasn't visited ds here ever. It has been a year since he has seen ds, he does not pay child support. It is not a good situation between ex and I and I hate it - I have wanted him to come visit, have a relationship with ds to no avail and it eats me up inside to the point that I am seething at him (ex).

Reading all of the wisdom you ladies share has helped me through many nights!
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#13 of 181 Old 05-08-2007, 01:25 AM
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I'm a lurker because I'm no longer single. However this is the only forum on mothering I frequent regularly since I still have some of my single mama issues (child support, custody stuff, court dates, blah blah blah) and I don't feel comfortable on the blended family board.

So. I never married dd's biodad, we stopped dating days after she was born. I have sole custody (legal and physical), he hasn't seen her in 1.5 years (his choice), pays support sporadically at best.

I'm a sahm to two girls and 6 cats. (and now back to'll usually see me resurface when questions about visitation come up, especially visitation and breastfeeding).
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#14 of 181 Old 05-08-2007, 09:52 AM
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I'm single mom to a 6 year old DD, divorced for seven years now and left the ex when I was pregnant - he was physically, as well as most every other kind of, abusive. We have no contact/support/anything from him as parental rights were terminated and there is a criminal court lifetime no contact order on him.

I was engaged recently until the squirrelly commitment-phobe ran away. In the big picture, not a big loss to me, since he obviously isn't who I believed him to be, but my DD called him daddy for a year and a half and so I'm picking up the pieces there.

I'm seriously considering the choice of 1.) having another child on my own via donor (I loved pregnancy and birth and every aspect) or 2.) waiting a few years and then adopting a child. Of course the money issue rears its ugly head and neither are financially feasable at the moment as my job, though a good one, is barely making ends meet now.

We have a nice peaceful home though now and great supportive friends and family. I love this board too!
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#15 of 181 Old 05-08-2007, 11:09 AM
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Hello, I'm Amy and have a 3yr old ds. I have been a single mom for almost 2 yrs. We live with my mom and help support one another and have a happy little family unit. I have primary custody and ds visits ex every other weekend, not nights, and for a few hrs during the week. Ex has not worked since Sept so child support is a big question. He did owe a bunch in March and there was a bench warrant for him but he somehow managed to pay it off but not seen anyting since.

We try and get along and even do some things together with ds but it gets pretty stressful as I never know what to expect.

I have finally started to feel confident enough to start dating again and move on with my life. And oh boy this has really opened up a whole new can of worms with the ex. Just wish I could have my life back. I'll come back and explain when I have more time.
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#16 of 181 Old 05-08-2007, 12:04 PM
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I'm 36, mom to two boys, ages 5 & 9.

I've been single for 6 years now (ex left days before I realized I was pregnant).

The past couple of years we have gotten along very well and are at the point where we occasionally do things together as a family. He takes the kids every second Saturday for the entire day, but they have no overnights. He also helps out frequently when I have school or want to go they usually see their dad weekly.

I am a stay home mom, I homeschool/unschool, and I am a student myself (part time right now).
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#17 of 181 Old 05-08-2007, 12:35 PM
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I'm Natalya. I have 7 1/2 month old b/g twins. I am currently a WAHM (I'm a Discovery Toys Consultant) and am finishing law school and my MBA degrees. Having taken off a full semester to have my DC and then having reduced my course load to part time, I thought that I would end up graduating at least a year later than expected, but just found out that I'm still going to graduate with everyone that I started school with (I was on track to graduate early but am now graduating "on time")!!!! Can you tell i'm a bit excited? The only downside is that once I graduate, I'll have to study for and take the Bar and then start working, which means that I'll have to put DC in day care I'm enjoying staying home with them sooo much and am so not looking forward to that aspect of finishing school... other than that, i'm excited!

Ex and I stopped dating before I found out I was preggo, so I've been single since the beginning. He comes to see the kids when he can (he lives an hour away and works full time), which is usually for a couple of hours on weekends. As we do not have a cs/custody order in place yet, his cs payments are only 1/7 of what they should (but its better than nothing and they are regular). So far things are going well. Ex and I are very amicable towards each other. I met his parents and they are wonderful. I also met his gf that he's been dating for about a year (I think). I thought that I'd have a tough time with her being involved with my kids, but so far she's also been really wonderful and I have no problems at all with her being involved. Hopefully thing continue to go well, but Im starting to see a few rough spots in the near future once we try to come up with & formalize cs & custody agreement
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#18 of 181 Old 05-08-2007, 12:40 PM
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i'm jannan . i'm a single mommy to dd who is eight. i rent a room to her dad but i really do want him out it is jut too hard. but the good news is ..................................we are in disneyland right now!
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#19 of 181 Old 05-08-2007, 12:56 PM
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Thanks for starting this thread Still_Snarky!

I'm 29 and I have been a single mom to my 7 1/2 year old dd for 7 years. I left her dad due to his physical/emotional abuse and addictions when dd was about 6 months old. He was estranged from us ever since (in and out of jail, off and on drugs) and then he died (suicide) December of '05.

My life is really, really good. I WOH full time, dd goes to a great public montessori and we have tons of wonderful friends. We've lived in the same apartment for five years, just us two, and there's been absolute peace and stability in our lives all this time.

I recently met and started dating my first official boyfriend since I became a single mama and that is going extremely well!
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#20 of 181 Old 05-08-2007, 01:34 PM
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I'm 36, never married, mom to one son, age 7. I've *technically* been a single mom for just over a year.

I currently have primary custody, and DS spends every Th. night from after school and the 1st, 3rd and 5th weekends (until school on Monday) of every month w/ex. This is a recent increase in his time w/ex, and I'm having a lot more trouble with it than I anticipated. I really miss him. It does seem to be working for DS, but he's a tough read.

We will be heading into our second mediation next month. If that doesn't get us to a complete cutody agreement, we'll be heading to court later in the summer to finally get Final Orders in place. Things with my ex are tense. In order to hew to the UA, I'll just say that he has control freak tendencies and an over-involved mother.

My life, and DS's life, is so much better and lighter since I left ! I WOH, part time, WAH sometimes. DS and I recently moved to a nice duplex w/in walking distance of his school, and he has several friends and playmates with in just our immediate 3 blocks. While our new place is infinitely better for us than the one bedroom apartment we left (which was better than walking on eggshells living w/ex) I am stuck living 1000 miles from my home and family thanks to the custody suit, which was ex's intention when he filed.
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#21 of 181 Old 05-08-2007, 02:00 PM
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Ok i'll jump in. I'm often pretty vague about my actual situation, because internet stalking is a real issue with H. However he's never known about this website, and i use an online nick he's never known. So.

I'm Star. I'm a single Mumma to 29 month old DS. My H finally admitted to me what i'd known for months, the day after i brought DS home from the hospital. At that point i was in a different country, away from my family and friends, and so in love with my H i didn't know what else to do but be there for him. This turned into the worst nightmare. The broken doors, the holes punched into the walls, the bruises. But he was confused, you see. And so i stayed. For 8 months. We'd been married for 5 years, and together so much longer. I believed that the man i thought him to be would come back. I now am beginning to realize he was never really there.

When DS was 8 months old, and i couldn't fool myself into thinking that the situation wasn't affecting him (we had no hot water, the gas had been shut off, and the electricity was shut off 2 days after i left. Never mind the abuse.) So i used my Grandfather as an excuse, got H to sign a letter stating it was ok for me to take my son to Canada (with very vague wording, and notarized by my boss at the hospital), and left at night, with nothing but a dufflebag and a pile of diapers.

In the 22 months we have been back in Canada, H has visited us exactly twice. Once because his parents wanted to come, and they basically dragged him along, and once because he knew it was bad that he hadn't seen his son in over a year. But he made his friend drive him up.

We have constant contact with each other. And i do mean constant. Phone calls every single night, and in the mornings too on work days ("she" doesn't know about the morning calls.) We text during lunch. He tells me he doesn't want a divorce, and he's still confused, and etc. However, i know that he does tell his little teenage wench that we're getting a divorce, and their son will be one in august.

I have not filed any paperwork, nor has he. On his end, i know it's because he wouldn't spend money on it, plus that would require some sort of responsibility (like paying child support.) On my end it's because i don't see why i should have to do something that i didn't want in the first place. It's not my fault, and i'm not the one who stepped out. (repeatedly, but that's besides the point.) Also, i enjoy things the way they are now. I have no courts telling me that DS has to go visit H. I may not have ever recieved a penny from H, but even with some sort of paperwork i'm not dumb enough to think we'd get anything.

We still live with my parents and 3 younger brothers, and it's getting to the point where my Mother frequently tells me i'm really not welcome there anymore. 2 weeks ago i was offerred the permanent position where i'd been temping, and now have benefits, a salary, and something dependable. Tonight i meet with a mortgage specialist, but i doubt that will go through. It would be cheaper, where i live, to buy a home, than pay rent on a ratty 2 bedroom apartment though, so i'm trying.

DS has been amazing, but i know the hard time is coming.
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#22 of 181 Old 05-08-2007, 02:33 PM
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Hi there, I am so glad to be on this forum. I have three kids, 2, 6 & 8. Stbx moved out in January. My head has been : but I think things are starting to become clearer. One thing I am really trying to figure out is how to bring in some money... looking for WAH and WOH jobs, and keeping my mind open. At this point we homeschool, which we love, and I would very much like to continue. We also still live in the house, and hoping to hold onto that, too. But again, my mind is open, and I'm just walking the path one day at a time.

I love all the people here, thanks for all the support and inspiration!
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#23 of 181 Old 05-08-2007, 02:36 PM
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Hiya, I am Amy, SAHM of three, boy 10, girl 8 and a two year old boy.

I am no longer a single mom, I have married what has to be the most perfect man out there. (he has to be to put up with the crap my X puts us through) I am not comfortable in the blended family section. There are too many non bio parents complaining about their situations. It feels very uncomfortable.

My former spouse was/is in law enforcement, and he used his position to try to take the children from me. As such, I have gain valuable experience in dealing with the courts, CPS, and child support services.

I just want to put out there, that after the most hellish divorce, five years later, I am happier than I have every been in my life.
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#24 of 181 Old 05-08-2007, 03:01 PM
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Mom to a 22 month old Dd. I have never been married. The day I found out I was pregnant was the same day I met my boyfriend's (of 5 years) TWO other girlfriend..

I live about 1,000 miles away from my friends and family (except her dad) because of my job, so it is just Dd and I. I love it! I get her all to myself (yes, selfish ), I make all of the decisions for us.....we can do whatever we want!

The father (we are good friends now) comes to visit a couple of times a week about 15 minutes before she goes to bed.
We have done nothing through the courts (Cs or custody) and I hope we will never have to! I told him all I want is her, and if he can do that, I don't want any $$ from him.

Anyway, I love being a single mom !! Great thread!
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#25 of 181 Old 05-08-2007, 03:10 PM
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I am Bad Mama Jama and I am a single mama and have been since shortly before my dd was born. He physically lived with us for a little while, but I was always alone and knew that. He was just taking up space and not really doing much of anything by way of assisting me with raising my dd, so I put him out and she and I moved on.

I have sole legal and physical custody and I would like to that the mamas here that gave me all types of advice when I filed for child support oh so long ago. Your words were priceless and that's why I got the awesome custodial arrangement through the courts. Just a wealth of information these mamas are, I tell you...

Former dreads.gifwearing, treehugger.gifing, pole dancing, read.gifpushing, ribbonpurple.gifsurvivor & single mama extraordinaire to energy.gif.  

Now that's a mouthful!!!
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#26 of 181 Old 05-08-2007, 03:35 PM
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I'm Bixby. I'm Mom to three super awesome boys! (9, 5, and 3 years old). I have been divorced for almost 4 years now. My ex and I split up when my youngest was 2 weeks old. He had decided that he was still in love with his first wife (who he hadn't spoke to in like 7 years at that point, and had just called him up out of the blue). Ended up she was just playing with him while she went thru another divorce and she never got together with him.

I have full physical and legal custody. My ex visits approximately onece every three months. I am wondering how much longer he is going to keep visiting though now that I have told him I won't be doing anything to make his visits easier (ie I am not driving to the airport to pick him up because he won't give me gas money anyway, and I told hm he will need to get a hotel room this time and take care of his own meals)

I'm currently a full time student with a major in Business Administration and a minor in Fashion Design. I also take in sewing for alterations to make money (and am getting ready to upload a ton of stuff to etsy ) I also homeschool my boys. This is the first year I am doing it alone (instead of thru a charter school) and it is soooooo much less stress for us.

I have been dating the same guy for the last 8 months. He is also a full time student (majoring in Chinese Cultural Studies and History) and lives approximately a hour from here. We see each other 3-4 days a week. He is so good with the kids and spends so much time doing things with them. I would really like for him to move in, but due to an ageement in my divorce paperwork I wouild have to marry him in order to live in the same house.

And that's us in a nutshell
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#27 of 181 Old 05-08-2007, 03:53 PM
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Hi... I am 29 and I have always been single. I have 10 MO twins who are the light in my life. Their dad and I tried to have a serious relationship until I was 2 months along, which pretty much disintegrated before it even got started. I am currently a SAHM because I moved home and am able to live with my mom. My ex followed me here once the boys were born. I have physical custody, we have never been to court. He does give me a little CS and I guess he *tries* to be a good dad, but it really remains to be seen. He sees them for about 4 hrs a week. We get along as long as he is not being a dumb ass and pissing me off, which isn't very often.

Mostly I am very happy! I love being a mom, my boys are awesome and are amazing little creatures.

Single mom to twin boys ('06)
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#28 of 181 Old 05-08-2007, 04:23 PM
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I'm Michelle, I have two DS, one is 14, one is 6, and I have a very complicated story. I am separated from DP and will be getting my own place no later than July, hopefully sooner, much sooner. I was a single mom to DS 1 for 7 years, met DP, had a fiasco of an on again/off again relationship for the past 7 years and am now a single mama again, probably to stay that way seeing as I just don't have it in me to do another long term relationship, not any time in the near future anyway. And we live in Tucson , AZ.



PS... forgot to add: I have joint legal and physical custody of DS 1, although his dad lives in florida so visits take place only about two to three times a year and he doesn't do much in the way of legal decisions. As big of a UA violation as he can be, he has always paid me child support, so I have to hand him at least that much. DP and I have never been to court over DS 2 and are trying very hard to keep it that way. We have already agreed on a CS amount that he will pay me. We have always made joint decisions about schooling and whatnot, even during the times we have been apart. He has pretty much been a UA violation to me, but is ( with a few exceptions) a pretty decent father to DS 2, so I can't complain there either, at least not too much. ( If only I could find someone who isn't such a jerk to me!!!)

M : proud mama to B (16) : and G (8) and : x 2 :
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#29 of 181 Old 05-08-2007, 05:23 PM
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I'm Kate. I was married to ex for 9 months, with him for 6 years though, had one child, Owen who is now 2 1/2. I am just in the process of moving in with my bf of 5 months (I know, it sounds bad) and he has an 8 year old son who lives with us, so now I'm sort of a step-mom, but the blended board is so full of drama....I still prefer the single parenting board.

I am the fool who agreed to joint custody just to get the process over with. I don't receive child support and ds goes to visit his dad for a couple hours every wednesday. He is now trying to do over nights, and has had ds twice, but his situation is difficult (read: he's on welfare) so he doesn't see him much.
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#30 of 181 Old 05-08-2007, 05:42 PM
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I am Vanessa, mama to Byron who is 2. I have been single since ex left in July, but I have a wonderful bf who I am moving in with next week.
Right now I have sole custody and ex has visitation at my descretion. I set it up that way when he left (he signed it) b/c I didn't know if he would start being a nut. He has definately had his nutty days since we split Our relationship is amnicable right now. We are starting to process the divorce on July 11, the soonest I can. We will be going to joint custody with me having primary residence. Probably move to joint physical custody when ex has a more stable job and home. At least I can say he is a wonderful father to ds. He sees him as much as he can, ususally 3-5 days a week with 1 or 2 being overnight. Its hard to be seperated from ds, but I know that his dad takes good care of him so that makes it a little easier.
Bf and I plan on ttc in the fall. I am excited about that. If I have another baby, I will get to be a SAHM, because it will not be economical for me to work with the price of childcare.

Vanessa belly.gif, wife to Kev , mama to Byron (5) wild.gif and Billie (2) and  due in June
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