I feel much better today. Its true, like you said, when he does stupid crap I feel bad for him, like I should help him or something. Not that he doesn't lay on the guilt trip ie, "Well, you took my kids away from me blah, blah, blah...now I'm all alone. Like I'm the bad guy. Like somehow me leaving him allows him to act like an idiot. He's the one that left me with a one year old baby and 2 STDs. Took off with my car, got arrested, felony drug conviction, car was impounded and I had no idea where he was for days...anyways, I had to spend our tax return (which we really needed because we were on welfare) to bail him out of jail and somehow I caused all this!!
I caused him to do drugs, I caused him to abuse me because I'm stupid...Yes, he actually said "if you weren't so stupid (or bitchy) I wouldn't have to do this to you."
I don't know, it's all over now, but its like I'm still traumatized. I can't let go and in some ways he still has power over me. Like, he can't drive, so if he wants to see the kids I have to go pick him up. I know I shouldn't but I want my kids to see their dad.
Anyways, I'm rambling now, and getting all upset again. I'm going to check out that book and I was looking up CODA meetings online. I might go check one out. I just need some confidence in myself, some self esteem. Its been pretty shattered and I think having the new baby has brought up some issues for me as well.