Divorce/break-up lessons learned - Page 2 - Mothering Forums
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Single Parenting > Divorce/break-up lessons learned
mamamoo's Avatar mamamoo 03:01 AM 10-10-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by peachymomma View Post

I just wanted to add that another piece of advice that I found very helpful was already added to this thread... It was to KEEP YOUR LEGS CLOSED I have had a problem with it... till the past 2 1/2 weeks. it helps I promise.
carla
Me too. I stopped in Jan trying to feel better with him with sex. I finally was over the craziness because I was still so involved emotionally sex-wise and he wasn't. I just ended up feeling like shit everytime we were together.

Bad Mama Jama's Avatar Bad Mama Jama 09:49 AM 10-10-2008
I learned that when it is over let go. Don't keep allowing the person access to your life. Extended conversations are a . When you know the situation is toxic, let it go and don't be willing to hear the "reasoning" of the other person. They will say anything to keep you in a rut with them. Let it go then, so you don't have regrets later saying I wish I would have let go when __________ (fill in the blank).
lunar forest's Avatar lunar forest 12:27 PM 10-10-2008
ooooh, these are so good.

I don't have much to add, 'cept I learned how GOOD it feels to realize how strong and capable you are when you leave. These past two years have been stressful and hard, but I did it! And with a stupid grin on my face because I didn't need him, it was better without him! There's lots of crying and second guessing, but in between that there is this euphoric feeling of that bad-relationship-weight lifting.

Oh wait, I've got another one: I learned that I am super-mom after all, just the way I am. I'm all they need , and anything he ends up doing for them is a bonus, because I really can do it all. Or at least, that's what my kids think.

And yeah, kids really are resilient. They get through that break-up amazingly well.

and most importantly: It's not harder or worse for you or the kids to go it alone than it is to stay in a bad relationship. It's the other way around.
AKA_PI's Avatar AKA_PI 03:12 PM 10-10-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by MariesMama View Post

*It is not your responsibility to make sure your ex sees your children and is a part of their lives. It is his responsibility.

you must be aware of my situation. LOL
Chantelle691's Avatar Chantelle691 04:36 PM 10-10-2008
oh good, I'm so glad you guys liked this...I had read all of the posts on the first few pages so just randomly went back to page 100 to see what was on there...some of the before my time stuff...and found this.

One to add:

treat communication w/ the ex like a business deal. Emotionless and matter of fact.
emma_goldman's Avatar emma_goldman 08:07 PM 10-10-2008
thanks mamas, for this good advice!
jayb842's Avatar jayb842 08:53 PM 10-10-2008
This is a great thread. I have learned that I able to make my own world and life without stxdh. I have also learned that my ds is happier without my stxdh around all the time. I have learned that I can be a great teacher, mom, friiend, duaghter and granddaugher without having to ask DH for permission. I better off without stxdh controlling my whole life. Without him I have a life and living with him I had no life.

Jay
muse's Avatar muse 08:11 PM 10-18-2008
thankyou, thankyou, for these
Threefold's Avatar Threefold 01:32 AM 10-19-2008
subbing. . .
BugMacGee's Avatar BugMacGee 01:42 AM 10-19-2008
This may be obvious to you all but it was shocking to me (Duh!) The divorce being final does NOT mean that life goes merrily along as I'd so hoped. We've had wayyyyy more hostility and nastiness since.

I had no idea how much I would be affected by the *other woman*. Not because I want my ex back, oh no!, but that she's spending oodles of time with my children! I'm a bit territorial about my kids as it turns out.

Being single again is a learning process. I'm having to re-learn how to date and relate to men. I'm also having to learn how to take care of all the nitty gritty stuff that my ex used to take care of (eg. How do I start a power mower???)

But, when all is said and done, I would do it again, without thinking twice. I'm not having the life sucked out of me. I have happiness that did not exist two years ago. And peace.
mandib50's Avatar mandib50 01:51 AM 10-19-2008
if your husband is leaving you and offers you everything and says he wants nothing, go to your lawyer the very next day (or same day if you can -even if you are in shock) and have the papers drawn up and signed by him.

possession is everything when it comes to determining custody of the kids so keep them with you until things are settled legally.

take the time to heal from your marriage before you move on with someone else. make a list of all the qualities you would like in a new partner and then work on growing that way yourself.

living well is the best revenge.
Momtwice's Avatar Momtwice 10:21 AM 10-19-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by mandib50 View Post

take the time to heal from your marriage before you move on with someone else. make a list of all the qualities you would like in a new partner and then work on growing that way yourself.

living well is the best revenge.
I love these!
ghannit's Avatar ghannit 05:49 PM 10-19-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by NolaRiordan View Post
I've also learned that I was seriously kidding myself when I thought that the our screwed up relationship and tense home environment was not having a big impact on the kids. My DD in particular has made some really eye-opening comments in recent months.

This is important. Might you be able to elaborate on what she noticed that you'd figured (hoped?) that she didn't?
Chantelle691's Avatar Chantelle691 03:03 PM 10-20-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by BugMacGee View Post
This may be obvious to you all but it was shocking to me (Duh!) The divorce being final does NOT mean that life goes merrily along as I'd so hoped. We've had wayyyyy more hostility and nastiness since.

I had no idea how much I would be affected by the *other woman*. Not because I want my ex back, oh no!, but that she's spending oodles of time with my children! I'm a bit territorial about my kids as it turns out.

Being single again is a learning process. I'm having to re-learn how to date and relate to men. I'm also having to learn how to take care of all the nitty gritty stuff that my ex used to take care of (eg. How do I start a power mower???)

But, when all is said and done, I would do it again, without thinking twice. I'm not having the life sucked out of me. I have happiness that did not exist two years ago. And peace.
OMG, I agree with everything you said, ESPECIALLY being affected with this other mother-ish-like-sorta figure in my daughter's life.
szmom's Avatar szmom 04:04 PM 10-20-2008
It's been a few years of single momihood for me, but I wish I would have known about this site when I left!
Things I've learned
*Keep your legs closed is a definite, especially if that's when your body decides you need to get pg!
*My kids are resilient. Took them a while, but they are happier that we are not together.
*Get custody in place RIGHT AWAY! I thought we could "play nice" but he went after me for full custody. Didn't happen, but I am just now (yrs later) getting full custody from him.
*leave once with everything you want and don't go back.
*Don't engage in any conversations that aren't about the kids in the begining. This eventually leads to blame, tmi or being involved in his life in a way that isn't healthy.
*It's ok to miss him and cry uncontrollably. It was a relationship of the closest kind (no matter how bad it was, and mine was bad) and it's like a death. Just remember that the old cliche' really is true. Time does heal.
*and one more.....make sure you get cs before he ends up having 2 more kids with one night stands and they take him for everything and you get nothing for the years and years you had to put up with him! (oops, guess that one was a little touchy).
guestmama9916's Avatar guestmama9916 02:01 PM 11-10-2008
Bumping for a friend


sunanthem's Avatar sunanthem 03:09 AM 11-11-2008
wow, thanks ladies. All great advice to hear while I am planning my exit strategy.
Rancher Girl's Avatar Rancher Girl 03:58 AM 11-11-2008
Wow- wonderful! Rock on mommas!

I'm new to MDC but from my experience I would like to offer one more thought:

most men do not leave a relationship until they have another one lined up.

For this reason I agree: get your own financial ducks in a row, and protect yourself and your babies.
eccomama's Avatar eccomama 05:30 AM 11-11-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyn_S View Post
When you find yourself grieving for your relationship and come to that place where you have doubts about if you should have left and start remembering all the "good times" and question if there really were more good than bad... ALWAYS remind yourself to SNAP OUT OF IT, this is all about grieving the person you "dreamed" he would be in your relationship, not the person you left. You left for a reason and were so strong just in that act alone, do not EVER lose sight of that.

~Cynthia
AMEN to that!

and to my fav lyric by PINK
"you weren't there, you let me fall"

keep replaying in my head every day...
redheadedbeansie's Avatar redheadedbeansie 06:19 AM 11-11-2008
Mine:

I am stronger than I thought I was.
Look after YOURSELF and do what you need to do to make sure you and yours are taken care of.
Don't have anything "joint" - learned that one the hard way when the line of credit was drained before I could close it.
LIVE, even if you think it's too hard to get out and do things. If you're hurting, it's ok to hurt, but I never wanted to look back and think of all the time I spent just hurting, so I climbed mountains, I met new, fabulous people, I hurt like hell, but I lived.

I agree strongly with not taking the history into the new. Sometimes it takes time to really digest what went down in a previous relationship. Some time alone is not a bad thing if it means you go into something new, just later, with a better frame of mind.
KCMommy's Avatar KCMommy 11:54 AM 11-11-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by ButterflyStarburst View Post
I've learned that in order for my son to have everything he needs physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually, he needs ME, his primary caregiver, to be in top form. Therefore it is OK to have done the things i needed to do to improve myself, and therefore improving my son's quality of life.
I love this one. I was finally able to leave my toxic marriage knowing that I would have more to offer as a mother to my girls if I was in a better place, emotionally. And it has proven true.
cjuniverse's Avatar cjuniverse 03:51 PM 11-12-2008
This is an especially relevant thread for me right now, and I love everything that's been said so far.

I'd like to add a few :

1. Do not live with your ex after you split. No matter how amicable the split...it WILL keep you bound to each other in a way that's not healthy, with or without sex (without, in my case).

2. DO NOT DEPEND ON MEN FOR MONEY, OR TO MANAGE/DEAL WITH YOUR MONEY. Make your own money and pay your own bills. Learn to live like a responsible and self-sufficient adult. Do not spend most of your life being a grown-up child who cannot take care of herself!

3. Lastly, and most importantly (and most relevant to me, right now)...DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT jump into a new relationship a few months afterwards. No matter how 'wonderful' the man seems...you are not ready, and things will not turn out well (I'm living proof of this right now...I love this man to death and am trying like hell to keep us together, but we jumped in too fast and there are so many ways we don't click...I still want to stick it out, but it's hard and sometimes I think we'd both be better off without each other).

Love and luck and strength to all my WONDERFUL single mamis!!! :
ButterflyStarburst's Avatar ButterflyStarburst 04:14 PM 11-12-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by KCMommy View Post
I love this one. I was finally able to leave my toxic marriage knowing that I would have more to offer as a mother to my girls if I was in a better place, emotionally. And it has proven true.

Thank you for reposting this! Nothing like reading your own words from a while back to remind you of how far you've come, right?

My DS and i are stronger, happier, and safer than we ever would have been if i'd stayed in that situation.
Emilie's Avatar Emilie 02:38 AM 11-17-2008
Be careful with this my ex just used my phone calls to him for support about my son who was misbehaving in court.
I do not think it is going to fly but everything you say now to your spouse can and will and may come back to bite you in the divorce and custody proceedings.
Good luck mama.
Em
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamamoo View Post
:

I *just* called my X last night for an angry son episode. It sucked, and he didn't even care enough to call back when ds hung up.

I also can't count the number of things I've fixed since he's been gone.

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