Divorce/break-up lessons learned - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
Old 07-31-2007, 07:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
guestmama9916's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 1,736
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Let's do a lessons learned thread that will help some of the about-to-be-single mamas. Here's some of my lessons learned:

When moving out, take everything the first time even if stbx is amiable at the moment and says you can come back anytime you want to get the rest. My stbx changed his mind about letting me come back for my things and took some sentimental items that can't be replaced that we will have to now negotiate for in the divorce agreement. More than likely I will never see these items again - he's already saying that I must have lost these items in the move. Yeah right. :

Stuff that's not sentimental can be replaced. If it comes down to it, I would be happy sitting and sleeping on the floor just to be rid of the stbx.

Don't be afraid to swallow your pride and ask for help from family/friends. It was hard for me at first because I had to admit I made a mistake in marrying who I married. I just try to remember that no one makes a mistake on purpose.

Grace
guestmama9916 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 07-31-2007, 11:51 PM
 
LLobsterTV's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: in a sea of yarn
Posts: 1,279
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
What a good idea!

My huge lesson that I learned is to never ever settle for a significant other under any circumstance.
LLobsterTV is offline  
Old 08-01-2007, 01:41 AM
 
ButterflyStarburst's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 215
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Just one for now,

I learned that your husband/life partner should NOT be another child you care for. It's not sweet that he 'trusts' you to take care of things. It's not okay that he requires your attention every second, it's not good that he know exactly what you're doing every second, and expect full reports in between.

Seriously, i know what to look for in a significant other now, and i've already run up against these same issues, and have had to bail out, because i know it's just NOT for me.

So, i learned something valuable, i guess!
ButterflyStarburst is offline  
Old 08-01-2007, 01:44 AM
 
~PurityLake~'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Anchorage, Alaska, US
Posts: 5,802
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
The most memorable lesson I learned:

I am much stronger than I thought I was.

Katreena, peace.gif 39 year old Alaskan treehugger.gif Mama to 1 hearts.gif and 1 lady.gif gd.gif
 
 
 
 

~PurityLake~ is offline  
Old 08-01-2007, 02:09 AM
 
guestmama9907's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 477
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Being alone is NOT worse than being in a bad relationship.

It is possible that you might find yourself happier and things will seem to flow much better in your life once you are single and have sort of cut the dead weight off of your life line.:
guestmama9907 is offline  
Old 08-01-2007, 04:38 PM
 
ShadowMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 4,264
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Here are some of mine :

When leaving, be careful of the precedent you set. Precedent is very important for future custody arrangements. Don't allow visitation that you aren't comfortable with and fight back on anything that could set a bad precedent. Be consistent about it. The judges and court system love the status quo and will use any and every excuse to maintain it.

There is NO, absolutely no, substitute for good legal advice. If you can afford to hire an attorney at all, do it. They know things that you never imagined.

Life is not fair, and your custody arrangement and visitation schedule is most likely not going to be the one that is truly best for your DC (YMMV).

Don't try to be a nice guy, a peacemaker, or hold back from being assertive just to avoid escalating things. There are very few completely peaceful divorces and being assertive doesn't have to mean an all out court battle.

Last - I can do thing I never imagined. And, your children can survive things you never imagined, sad though it may make you.
ShadowMom is offline  
Old 08-01-2007, 04:45 PM
 
BugMacGee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 1,447
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Keep 'em coming oh wise women.
BugMacGee is offline  
Old 08-01-2007, 10:51 PM
 
pranamama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Pacific NW
Posts: 5,003
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
everytime I went out of the way to be nice to ex, It was like a horse biting the hand that feeds it.

Do not be nice

Do not be afraid to ask for what you need, deserve or want

you will probably need an attorney
pranamama is offline  
Old 08-02-2007, 12:17 AM
 
Bad Mama Jama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Locale so Secret that I Don't Know
Posts: 4,891
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
  • It's okay to dance with your dog when your ex moves out.
  • Cry when you feel like you need to.
  • Strength is not all physical, it is more a state of mind.
  • I am stealing this from the title of a book, but it is sooooooooooo true... "If You Want Closure in Your Relationship, Start with Your Legs", no truer words have been spoken on that front... So don't go back to the sexual element of your relationship as that confuses the matter.

Former dreads.gifwearing, treehugger.gifing, pole dancing, read.gifpushing, ribbonpurple.gifsurvivor & single mama extraordinaire to energy.gif.  

Now that's a mouthful!!! computergeek2.gif & follow it!   

 

Bad Mama Jama is offline  
Old 08-02-2007, 02:11 AM
 
whatta_mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Wonderland
Posts: 93
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
When you find yourself grieving for your relationship and come to that place where you have doubts about if you should have left and start remembering all the "good times" and question if there really were more good than bad... ALWAYS remind yourself to SNAP OUT OF IT, this is all about grieving the person you "dreamed" he would be in your relationship, not the person you left. You left for a reason and were so strong just in that act alone, do not EVER lose sight of that.

~Cynthia

~Single Working Mama of two
whatta_mama is offline  
Old 08-03-2007, 10:25 PM
 
Jillmarie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 83
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would say this....I deserve to be loved in the way I need to be loved, and I need my love to be recieved in the way I need it to be recieved. I deserve to feel attended to, beautiful and desirous.

I've learned that the choices I make are right for me.

I've learned that I'm stronger than I ever imagined, and i'm filled with such gratitude for that.

And I'm not afraid of the darkest times...I'll move through it.

I'm a wonderful friend, daughter, mother, sister, and someday I'll be a wonderful partner and lover.

being honest with myself,no matter how painful, brings me to no regrets.

And all this being said, the loss is unimaginable, no matter how bad things were....it's so painful. And I'm capable of coming out on the other side....emotionally whole, finacncially saavy and with my eyes to a fulfilling and affirming future.
Jillmarie is offline  
Old 08-03-2007, 11:07 PM
 
Lisa Lubner's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: under the stars
Posts: 2,769
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Cancel anything of his that is in your name. I am getting screwed left and right because of old bills that were set up in my name while he was at work during the day. I got a $114 overdraft collections notice the other day from our joint account that we used to have that he promised he would pay off and close a year ago. :
Lisa Lubner is offline  
Old 08-03-2007, 11:08 PM
 
hippiemum21580's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: a persistant vegetarian state
Posts: 674
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
It is okay to cry. hard . and alot. as long as when you are done you get back up and remember to laugh. Your kids can always help you laugh.
Don't call your ex unless absolutly necessary. Not when the wound is still fresh on your heart at least.
Your children will bounce back stronger than you imagined. And so will you.
Don't allow the term "broken family" in your vocabulary. Look at the potential instead.
You are capable of doing all those things you once relied on your mate for, like fixing doors and unclogging toilets and disciplining angry little boys.
It IS possible to raise respectable men even if you are a single mom. You don't have to have a penis to raise boys.
hippiemum21580 is offline  
Old 08-04-2007, 01:38 AM
 
fuller2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 774
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I learned that you should never become financially dependent on child support or any payments he might make on anything. I never, ever thought my ex would be the type to stop paying child support--never in a million years! but he did.
fuller2 is offline  
Old 08-06-2007, 10:05 AM
 
Linda in OZ's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Posts: 394
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Abi's Mom View Post
The most memorable lesson I learned:

I am much stronger than I thought I was.

I stayed with an abuser for way too long because I didn't think I could do it on my own, I am and I'm passing with flying colours!

"I left him for a reason" , I will never go back for more
Linda in OZ is offline  
Old 08-06-2007, 12:36 PM
 
<~*MamaRose*~>'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 643
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
When it comes to your ex or stbx...Choose your battles. Even though they may all feel like worthy battles choose wisely!
<~*MamaRose*~> is offline  
Old 08-06-2007, 04:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
guestmama9916's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 1,736
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I love every single piece of advice on this thread so far!
guestmama9916 is offline  
Old 08-07-2007, 03:12 PM
 
purslaine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 6,771
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thank you. I need this today.
purslaine is offline  
Old 08-07-2007, 04:22 PM
 
StrongSingleMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: OR
Posts: 587
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Wow what great advice.
StrongSingleMama is offline  
Old 08-07-2007, 04:53 PM
 
ButterflyStarburst's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 215
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
How about some more?

I've learned that in order for my son to have everything he needs physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually, he needs ME, his primary caregiver, to be in top form. Therefore it is OK to have done the things i needed to do to improve myself, and therefore improving my son's quality of life.

I've learned that it doesn't always have to be about fault. The bottom line has to be what's best for you and your child(ren). If that means contact with a man you find disgusting and repelling, then you do it. if that means sheltering your children from a way of life or dangerous situation, then you do it. It's not even all that hard, when you know you're doing what's best for the kids.

I've learned that MY WORTH, is not tied up in what HE thinks of me. It is, however, tied to what DS thinks of me, and i'm okay with that. Because DS thinks i'm amazing. And that's the truth.

And finally, i've learned that in time, what goes around DOES come around. It may not be to the extent that i'd like just yet, but while i've bought a house (YAY!!!) and am working at a job i really enjoy, and DS is thriving in every aspect of his life, H is being forced to move out of our house, and into his parents nasty basement with the teenager he cheated on me with, and their 1 year old. And he no longer has his Dad at work with him, so he has to pay to drive out there, and his job security is gone. And he HATES his job. And he's not making enough money (we never see any child support), and the chick he got pregnant has gained a tonne of weight, while i've been active and am losing weight. So, little by little, it does work out! (i'm evil, i know. )
ButterflyStarburst is offline  
Old 08-07-2007, 09:25 PM
 
Collin'sMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Lapeer, MI
Posts: 278
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
any more? these are all very comforting.....
Collin'sMama is offline  
Old 10-09-2008, 01:24 PM
 
Chantelle691's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 390
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I love these.
Chantelle691 is offline  
Old 10-09-2008, 02:35 PM
 
NolaRiordan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 857
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyn_S View Post
When you find yourself grieving for your relationship and come to that place where you have doubts about if you should have left and start remembering all the "good times" and question if there really were more good than bad... ALWAYS remind yourself to SNAP OUT OF IT, this is all about grieving the person you "dreamed" he would be in your relationship, not the person you left. You left for a reason and were so strong just in that act alone, do not EVER lose sight of that.
Wow, I LOVE that one.

But seriously there's a ton of good stuff here. Very inspirational.

One big lesson for me is how much support I really have, that I so appreciate, and that I never quite realized was there. I am not a person who ever really asks for help. But in the last year I've had to ask a lot, and without exception everyone I have asked for anything has been lovely. So that's really the silver lining.

I've also learned that I was seriously kidding myself when I thought that the our screwed up relationship and tense home environment was not having a big impact on the kids. My DD in particular has made some really eye-opening comments in recent months.
NolaRiordan is offline  
Old 10-09-2008, 02:57 PM
 
mamamoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Eastern WA
Posts: 6,920
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by hippiemum21580 View Post
It is okay to cry. hard . and alot. as long as when you are done you get back up and remember to laugh. Your kids can always help you laugh.
Don't call your ex unless absolutly necessary. Not when the wound is still fresh on your heart at least.
Your children will bounce back stronger than you imagined. And so will you.
Don't allow the term "broken family" in your vocabulary. Look at the potential instead.
You are capable of doing all those things you once relied on your mate for, like fixing doors and unclogging toilets and disciplining angry little boys.
It IS possible to raise respectable men even if you are a single mom. You don't have to have a penis to raise boys.

:

I *just* called my X last night for an angry son episode. It sucked, and he didn't even care enough to call back when ds hung up.

I also can't count the number of things I've fixed since he's been gone.

Single mama to Alex(13), Maddy(12), Sam(8), Violet(6), and Ruby(3). fly-by-nursing1.gif
mamamoo is offline  
Old 10-09-2008, 03:18 PM
 
Mama Dragon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Apparently on MDC
Posts: 10,555
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyn_S View Post
When you find yourself grieving for your relationship and come to that place where you have doubts about if you should have left and start remembering all the "good times" and question if there really were more good than bad... ALWAYS remind yourself to SNAP OUT OF IT, this is all about grieving the person you "dreamed" he would be in your relationship, not the person you left. You left for a reason and were so strong just in that act alone, do not EVER lose sight of that.

~Cynthia
I definitely need to hear this

Amy ~ Web Designing Single Mom to 4: DD14, DS12, DS5, DS3
Mama Dragon is offline  
Old 10-09-2008, 05:26 PM
 
AKA_PI's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Atlanta, Georgia
Posts: 2,008
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
This is some great advice that I needed to hear today. I really needed this. Thanks ladies!

Book loverread.gif - Sewer sewmachine.gif - Movie lover lurk.gif - Mommy to a wonderful little boy (8/4/08) biggrinbounce.gif - Aspiring writer notes.gif - On a mission to lose 15 pounds - all-around cool chick hippie.gif

AKA_PI is offline  
Old 10-09-2008, 09:29 PM
 
mmace's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Southwestern Pennsylvania
Posts: 2,936
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I've learned that God obviously has a sense of humor.
mmace is offline  
Old 10-09-2008, 10:12 PM
 
Rosehip's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,736
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by NolaRiordan View Post
I've also learned that I was seriously kidding myself when I thought that the our screwed up relationship and tense home environment was not having a big impact on the kids. My DD in particular has made some really eye-opening comments in recent months.
Interesting. Though less so now, I struggled with this for quite a while.

I learned...

Do NOT ignore your nagging doubts. If that little voice is saying you ought to break off the engagement. DO IT.

Once you realize - truly know - that you cannot trust someone, cut your losses then.

If he says he doesn't want to care for children, believe him

That it's a HUGE relief to get out of an awful relationship. As hard as all the legal/emotional/logistical stuff is, it pales in comparison to the weight lifted when you get out of the toxic mess.
Rosehip is offline  
Old 10-09-2008, 11:20 PM
 
MariesMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: in the dirty mitten
Posts: 1,034
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
Oh ... so many things.

*It is not your responsibility to make sure your ex sees your children and is a part of their lives. It is his responsibility. Trying, pleading, etc. to get him to see them and be a father will only make you more sad if he is not interested. It's heartbreaking, but if he doesn't show any interest then just move on.

*DOCUMENT EVERYTHING! You'll think "oh, I won't need to," or "this isn't important." It is. Get a datebook and start writing. It sounds harsh, and you might end up not needing it, but better to have it and not need it than to wish you did.

*Get all the information. Even if you weren't married and don't have joint accounts, get every bit of info on everything of his that you can.

I know I sound harsh, but you aren't just looking out for yourself. You've got kids to take care of and if he won't, you have to.

DD 2/08
MariesMama is offline  
Old 10-10-2008, 02:32 AM
 
peachymomma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Poteau Oklahoma
Posts: 504
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
The best thing I did for myself is to record everything. No matter how small and trival it seems.

I love my journal. It really helps me when I am crying for the man I think I am missing out on. I will be having a really bad day and then I will open up my journal to about a month before I ask EX to move out. It all comes back to me and the tears dry up and generally I can get up and move on with my day pretty soon after reading several entries.

I just wanted to add that another piece of advice that I found very helpful was already added to this thread... It was to KEEP YOUR LEGS CLOSED I have had a problem with it... till the past 2 1/2 weeks. it helps I promise.
carla

~Carla~ LOVING~ LIFE~
Homebirthing, somewhat crunchy, single mom of ~5~.
peachymomma is offline  
 
User Tag List

Thread Tools


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off