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#1 of 13 Old 08-14-2007, 05:42 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My breakup is still fresh, so I think about a lot. I just don´t understand why I miss my ex so much, he wasn´t a very good husband or father. He was very verbally abusive, and even fysically too sometimes...

I find that one of the most difficult things is letting go of the dream. The dream of us two being togheter forever, us being a family, living in our dreamhouse, raising our kids.

I now see that I am much better of whitout him and hopefully there is a good man out there for me, but letting go of my dream is hard. There was so many issues whit this man, before and after he left, and still i grieve my dream. Why can´t I just be happy he is gone??

What was the worst part for you?
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#2 of 13 Old 08-14-2007, 11:52 AM
 
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You are grieving. Allow yourself to grieve, it's healthy and normal and part of the process.

Yes, letting go of the dream is harder than letting go of the man/relationship. I was finished with our marriage in about 8 months. I believe it took about 2 years for me to be completely okay letting go of the dream...because it's more encompassing.

There will be better days, better times and you can have better relationships, but it is important to heal from this one first. If you need a reminder, look at the stickie above and read, "Why I love being a single parent"...or read the monthly "dating" thread and see that many of us are getting back out there and having far better experiences than ever before.

The beginning is the most difficult. You have more strength and courage to get through it than you know. Do what you have to do to grieve and allow it to be okay. Because, it is okay.

Lots of support to you.
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#3 of 13 Old 08-14-2007, 12:31 PM
 
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I agree that the dream is hard to let go of. For me, it's kind of embarrassing to accept that i've only been married for a little over a year, yet i'm filing for divorce. It especially has a way of making me feel awkward when I run into people I haven't seen since stbx and I separated.
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#4 of 13 Old 08-14-2007, 01:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you, MsChatsAlot!

LLobsterTV, we were married three years. I think it´s embarrasing too! I keep imagining people thinking "Oh, they didn´t make it!". I guess I´m kinda old-fashioned...I thought we were going to be togheter forever.
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#5 of 13 Old 08-14-2007, 02:21 PM
 
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Grieving the loss of the relationship that could have been if my partner was a better man. That was ugly and huge for me. It was horrible to find that I didn't really know him at all though we had known each other for quite a while.

But it passes. It really does and it frees you to move on and find something better if you so choose. to you, mama.

Former dreads.gifwearing, treehugger.gifing, pole dancing, read.gifpushing, ribbonpurple.gifsurvivor & single mama extraordinaire to energy.gif.  

Now that's a mouthful!!! computergeek2.gif & follow it!   

 

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#6 of 13 Old 08-14-2007, 03:03 PM
 
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Two years later I still grieve the fact that my kids want us together...for me that's the worst part. It's hard on their birthdays when they want us both to be there, and my X a restraining order on him.

OTOH, I love that my kids know that we don't accept soul-crushing behavior, and we are strong enough to remove ourselves from any situation that is not what we want our lives to be.
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#7 of 13 Old 08-14-2007, 03:56 PM
 
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Yes, you are grieving, and the loss of the dream is HUGE. The reality that you are happier/healthier w/o the "real" man doesn't diminish how much it hurts to realize that the dream is gone.

I've also realized that grief is not linear, or at least mine isn't. I feel better/fine for several months, and then inexplicably I feel awful again. It's more like a spiral upwards, passing what seems like the same stage of grief more than once, but from a slightly different angle.

I thought I was farther along on the healing continuum than I am -- I just found out stbx has been seeing someone for the past 8 mos and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't want him back. I don't want to be married to him again. But this hurts as much as the day he left. It's surprising.

Hang in there, mama. It does get better, slowly, but surely.
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#8 of 13 Old 08-14-2007, 04:41 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LLobsterTV View Post


I agree that the dream is hard to let go of. For me, it's kind of embarrassing to accept that i've only been married for a little over a year, yet i'm filing for divorce. It especially has a way of making me feel awkward when I run into people I haven't seen since stbx and I separated.
I think you should be proud that you realized it wasn't working and you acted decisively to end it. I wish I had that kind of courage in the beginning of my marriage! I stayed 10+ years in an abusive relationship and didn't have the courage to end it until recently. To someone like me, you are courageous and decisive. : Oh and even though my ex was abusive, I still grieve the dreams I had with him. I had a nice cry about it yesterday as a matter of fact. I've been gone 3 months now. I'm making new dreams now that I'm thrilled about but the old ones still come up every now and then and make me sad. I cry a little and move on. It is a strange place to be in - new hope for the future yet grieving at times too.
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#9 of 13 Old 08-14-2007, 05:41 PM
 
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It is so nice for me to hear that other people are going through the same thing as me. I have been married for 3 years but we have been together for 6 and friends for 8 years. We have two kids together and it is just so hard for me to let go and realize I am better off without him. Our divorce should hopefully be closing this week and although that will be a relief I am having a hard time realizing it is over. Like you my soon to be ex was not a great husband or father but still I miss him. I have been really lonely and am excited but scared to start this new chapter in my life. I am just trying to take things one day at a time and am trying to realize it is ok to hurt and to cry because I shouldn't expect for things to magically get better overnight. It is just a slow healing process I guess...at least for me. I think it is hard also because DH is not showing any emotion and is acting like he can't stand me and is so glad we are over...and here I am still sad and crying and having my ups and downs.
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#10 of 13 Old 08-14-2007, 05:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mamagoose View Post
I've also realized that grief is not linear, or at least mine isn't. I feel better/fine for several months, and then inexplicably I feel awful again. It's more like a spiral upwards, passing what seems like the same stage of grief more than once, but from a slightly different angle.
That´s an interesting way of looking at it! Thanks!
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Originally Posted by paxton25
It is so nice for me to hear that other people are going through the same thing as me. I have been married for 3 years but we have been together for 6 and friends for 8 years. We have two kids together and it is just so hard for me to let go and realize I am better off without him. Our divorce should hopefully be closing this week and although that will be a relief I am having a hard time realizing it is over. Like you my soon to be ex was not a great husband or father but still I miss him. I have been really lonely and am excited but scared to start this new chapter in my life. I am just trying to take things one day at a time and am trying to realize it is ok to hurt and to cry because I shouldn't expect for things to magically get better overnight. It is just a slow healing process I guess...at least for me. I think it is hard also because DH is not showing any emotion and is acting like he can't stand me and is so glad we are over...and here I am still sad and crying and having my ups and downs.
Oh, it´s weird reading this! It´s just like I wrote it myself! We were a couple for eight years, I met him when I was eighteen so I´ve spend all of my grown-up life with this man. It´s been a roller-coaster ride for sure and I still can´t believe why I stayed...
I am actually very surprised that letting go of the dream would be so hard, and it kinda helps that I´m not alone feeling like this.

Thank´s all! I really appreciate reading about your experiences

Love
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#11 of 13 Old 08-14-2007, 11:30 PM
 
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Oh, precious. . . This song (begins when you open the window) is so sweet for grieving. Give your angel self a hug and know that you are not alone. Not only are there others who know of what you speak, but you now have your dear self to be with. I notice the beautiful self love in you that knew to move away from what was no longer true for you to share your intimate self with.

In my life, I am experiencing peace on a whole new level after leaving about a year ago and being in this stage of the path you're also walking. I am now committed to being my own partner and to giving me whatever I could want from a partner. I am spending some time being married to me.
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#12 of 13 Old 08-15-2007, 05:45 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you, May May! I loveloveLOVE the song! It made my morning, me and my kids danced to it.
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#13 of 13 Old 08-16-2007, 12:08 AM
 
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That song is beautiful. I am sitting here and bawling listening to it. I am having such a hard time right now and that song just opened the flood gates. It is good though to be able to let everything out. Thank you.
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