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#121 of 310 Old 10-17-2007, 11:46 PM
 
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question on the backed child support thing.... so he is in the hole 4 months.... how long can he keep that up? with that bs story of "i have no money" until the courts make him cough it up or garnish his wages? is the court/ your lawyer aware of this? can they do anything? i mean, it just cant go on like that, he cant get away with it....right? Once my baby is born (in april) ill be on the same boat as you and I can totally see my very own "bk" pull that same one on me...what can you do?
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#122 of 310 Old 10-18-2007, 03:11 AM - Thread Starter
 
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i'll answer the questions in the morning but i had to share this:

my midwife called and told me she finally got paid by my insurance for my homebirth 15.5 months ago. she has $1000 for me. i started i was so overcome with relief.
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#123 of 310 Old 10-18-2007, 03:48 AM
 
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Don't tell R!

So happy for a bit of (financial) good news for ya, mama.
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#124 of 310 Old 10-18-2007, 03:54 AM
 
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I'm one of your many silent admirers. I might have posted to the blog once or twice (back when you were accepting comments). Your story disappeared from the Parents as Partners forum, so I tracked you down here! Dont' worry, I'm not really a stalker, just a mama without TV. Your writing is waaaayyyy better entertainment than anything on TV, anyway.

Hang in there. Hell, maybe you'll get a refund for overpayment from one of your cancer treatments all those years ago. If there is any justice in the world, bk will be paying through the nose soon enough.

Back to lurkdom.

~Diane
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#125 of 310 Old 10-18-2007, 02:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Don't tell R!
GOTCHA!
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#126 of 310 Old 10-18-2007, 09:32 PM
 
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i'll answer the questions in the morning but i had to share this:

my midwife called and told me she finally got paid by my insurance for my homebirth 15.5 months ago. she has $1000 for me. i started i was so overcome with relief.
That's awesome. Good $$$ karma headed your way!!!!

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#127 of 310 Old 10-18-2007, 10:04 PM
 
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I am not sure how child support works in Ca but here in Texas they give you a % of the man's income regardless of your situation/job/work. They take it out of his check and mail it to you so you never have to ask for it.

I don't know if that will work for you in CA but just thought I would mention it.
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#128 of 310 Old 10-18-2007, 11:12 PM
 
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I am not sure how child support works in Ca but here in Texas they give you a % of the man's income regardless of your situation/job/work. They take it out of his check and mail it to you so you never have to ask for it.

I don't know if that will work for you in CA but just thought I would mention it.
That isn't exactly the way it works here in CA, but it's similar. The trouble Celeste is having is that her ex has either quit jobs or worked under the table, or gotten most of his income in non-reported tips, so the government can't get to it to give it to her. Well, that and I think the CS order isn't official yet. I'm sure once it is, they'll start pulling as much as they can from any reported wages he has, and if he doesn't pay, they'll suspend his driver's license and they can put him in jail, too.

Robin~ single, work-at-home momma to my WonderBoys
YoungMan (6/00) & LittleBoy (6/04)
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#129 of 310 Old 10-19-2007, 01:25 AM - Thread Starter
 
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About the chocolate...are you willing to ship internationally? Like, to Europe? :
anything for a price!

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Three words. Wage. Witholding. Order.
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Of course, that requires that he actually have a wage, and that it not be mostly in the form of cash tips...
he's claiming $1300 in taxable income a month. that (incredibly) is $7.50 (current minimum wage) x a full time job... he's admitting to making about $2500/month in unreported tips. i suspect he's making significantly more... i want him to sign the agreement giving me $1700/month so that if/when i have to take him to court for back child support i have that figure not 50% (or whatever) of $1300... i'm trying not to rock the boat until the permanent order is in place.

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Would his credit card tips be traceable or provable?
yes, but very few of his tips are on credit card.

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they can't garnish tips? tips have to be reported right?
legally have to be, yes. are they in practice? no. :

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question on the backed child support thing.... so he is in the hole 4 months.... how long can he keep that up? with that bs story of "i have no money" until the courts make him cough it up or garnish his wages? is the court/ your lawyer aware of this? can they do anything? i mean, it just cant go on like that, he cant get away with it....right? Once my baby is born (in april) ill be on the same boat as you and I can totally see my very own "bk" pull that same one on me...what can you do?
i'm just learning all this stuff myself. i'll have more answers after monday's appointment and i'll pass them along.

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I am not sure how child support works in Ca but here in Texas they give you a % of the man's income regardless of your situation/job/work. They take it out of his check and mail it to you so you never have to ask for it.

I don't know if that will work for you in CA but just thought I would mention it.
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That isn't exactly the way it works here in CA, but it's similar. The trouble Celeste is having is that her ex has either quit jobs or worked under the table, or gotten most of his income in non-reported tips, so the government can't get to it to give it to her. Well, that and I think the CS order isn't official yet. I'm sure once it is, they'll start pulling as much as they can from any reported wages he has, and if he doesn't pay, they'll suspend his driver's license and they can put him in jail, too.
: he's got an interview with a yahoo! or something like that on tuesday. i pray that he gets a straight job so that all this non-reported crap will be moot. but part of me would love to see him suffer the consequences of his actions. i don't think he knows what he's put us through.
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#130 of 310 Old 10-21-2007, 05:40 AM
 
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Sadly, Celeste, I don't know if he ever will. He is not even in the same hemisphere as you and seems to lack compassion and so much else. I cannot remember back to all of my psychology studies, but it sounds like he has personality disorder. Clinically, I mean. The man is just not right in the head, especially for hiding himself from you/then blaming you (classic manipulation techiniques; so crappy to fnd someone you love is someone entirelly different). I think someone already wrote this, but your karma (I prefer that to revenge) is coming around and his will kick him in the face. You are awesome, stay strong mama,and know you have thousands of women ready to guinea pig your lovely chocolate!
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#131 of 310 Old 10-22-2007, 11:10 AM
 
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good luck in mediation. I'm thinking of you today!

It turns out that moderation is the key to good parenting.  Too bad we aren't allowed to talk about that here.

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#132 of 310 Old 10-23-2007, 02:44 AM - Thread Starter
 
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thank you for the well wishes...things were mixed this morning. i'm exhausted and feeling the pang of love lost stronger than i have at 6 months. not sure where that is coming from but i think anger is a helluva lot easier to manage.
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#133 of 310 Old 10-23-2007, 07:31 AM
 
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I am so sorry you are feeling this way Celeste

I just read your newest update and WOW -- you are my hero! How can you have so much composure and strength, I will never know, but you are INCREDIBLE!

The sad thing about people that do what R did is that they are like under drugs. They do bizarre and horrible things because of the haze and delirium the affair gives them, and most times there is no turning back There was this great website a friend of mine used to visit when her husband had an affair - the similarities of the whole thing to drug use are uncanny!

Anyway, what you saw yesterday was a tiny little bit of what is left of the R you once knew - the R who was not lost in the hole and mess and dug for himself. I am not surprised he cried: it was probably one of the first times he himself saw that old person again, and the realization of his selfish actions hit him like a brick. When reading the beginning of your post, I did not think the first tears were for the children and the disgrace he has done, but later, when you describe his attitude when you chatted before going home, it does seem that he did indeed have one tiny moment of reason and shame during the mediation.

So that's probably why you are feeling the way you do... You saw a little bit of the man you loved for years and the emotions caught you by surprise The thing is: as you know well, that man is long gone and what is left are just the last echoes of a past that is not coming back. Like with drugs, one needs to WANT to get better and most importantly, one needs to STAY AWAY from the vice. Unfortunately, it is obvious that R does not want either, and that explains why he was so "cool" when he called you in the evening, after going home to the bimbo who helped him destroy your life.

I hope you don't have to take him to court. Then again, after the amazing shaking the mediator and you gave him, R is probably scare sh*^less of having to be forced to pay even more!!

You will make it through all this Celeste!! I have been praying for you since almost the very beginning - you deserve the BEST!!

P.S. And you can soooooo add me to your tester's and first buyer's list!! I have a whole bunch of family members in the US who LOVE chocolate!!
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#134 of 310 Old 10-23-2007, 08:55 AM
 
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c-

have you read 'the maiden king' coauthored by marion woodman (jungian analyst and feminist intellectual) and robert bly (poet and author of 'iron john')?

i think it might interest you on a metaphorical level.

just a snippet from the book flap...

"...The powerful feminine, grounded in the divine, does not always wait for the masculine to wake up. It has its own life. The story says that the goddess takes the love that she once had for the masculine and buries it in a series of containers. The containers in this story include the oak, the hare, and finally the egg, all images traditionally rich in spiritual meaning.
This is not a tale of bravado and success, then, but rather one of failure and repair. It is about listening first and then doing...."
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#135 of 310 Old 10-23-2007, 09:13 PM
 
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I just caught up on your blog. Everything sounds really confusing, but like it's moving along. You're in such an insanely better bargaining position, I can't see how this can't all end in your favor.

This is not at all the same as smelling the other woman's perfume on your kids, but it drives me crazy that after x has visitation, everything smells like his stupid Axe deodorant spray: DD, the couch, my BED (because they play on my bed!). He puts soooo much on.

I was thinking about telling him DD is allergic to it and that her doctor said he has to stop wearing it when he's going to be with her, but lying about something this small seemed like a bad idea ...
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#136 of 310 Old 10-23-2007, 11:50 PM
 
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hey, its been a while. I just had to comment on one of your posts (i think yesterday) titled *le sigh*...I must say it made me tear up. It reminds me so much of what Im going through...the same ordeal that he wont pay his 1/2 of the debt, the fact that he lies about the money when you know damn well he makes big $$$.... the part that really got to me is when you said you saw a glimmer of the man you once knew....I know that feeling all to well, and as soon as you see a hint of him he quickly disapears and then there is a monster standing in front of you. Its just terrible. Ive decided that its in my best interest as of now to cut all communication with my soon-to-be-ex.... he is just to disrespectful and abusive and controlling even when just chatting online...Ive had enough... I know putting my foot down like this is good for me in the long run but I could not stop crying after I made up my mind.... I just think its so painful...letting go of every little thing one by one. My hats off to you mama...you are a very strong woman...Ive learned that I too am stronger than I thought, dont let the tears fool ya Im only human (and hormonal) but Im one helluva woman as are you. Hang in there... your story gives me strength everyday.
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#137 of 310 Old 10-24-2007, 12:41 AM
 
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Just wanted to offer some .

M : proud mama to B (16) : and G (8) and : x 2 :
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#138 of 310 Old 10-24-2007, 01:40 AM
 
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Celeste, here's a .

As for him not finishing his paperwork: he's dicking you around. For something this important and far-reaching, that is a lame excuse a la "My dog ate my homework." Don't let him play these games anymore.

I read your blog entry about him crying, and my first thought was not that he was crying for the effect he's having on his family. My first thought that that was the first time it's gotten through to him that this fantasy life he's been living is just that, a fantasy, and it's about to come crashing down. It's like he's finally been caught, he's been making the rules, and that is about to end. His tears, unfortunately, were not for you or P or L, but for himself.

I've been noticing some paralells between your experience and mine. In both instances, the male drug things out much longer than necessary, and committed some really stupid and self-incriminating acts in the process. In both instances, the outcome 10 or 16 months out is much different from what the outcome likely would have been after just 4 or 5 months. And in both instances, the woman truly tapped into her mama bear spirit and found depths of strength and resolve they may never have discovered but for this trial by fire.

And if you want to hear about my ex's most recent self-incriminating act, just PM me . It's both and at the same time!
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#139 of 310 Old 10-24-2007, 02:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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why should it bother me that in the safeway bag (with the dirty cloth diapers that bk sent home with the kids yesterday) was a reciept for eggplant, avocados, chicken breast, pinot noir, and a dozen white roses? this is not news to me. or at least it shouldn't be...
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#140 of 310 Old 10-24-2007, 02:22 PM
 
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why should it bother me that in the safeway bag (with the dirty cloth diapers that bk sent home with the kids yesterday) was a reciept for eggplant, avocados, chicken breast, pinot noir, and a dozen white roses? this is not news to me. or at least it shouldn't be...


Because he used to bring those things home to you. Because you love(d) him and he became something unrecognizable. Because you are human.
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#141 of 310 Old 10-24-2007, 04:38 PM
 
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Man... :
And maybe I am paranoid, but I would not be surprised this was not just an "oops" from their part.

I am so sorry that you are feeling down Celeste
It is normal to feel the way you do though
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#142 of 310 Old 10-24-2007, 04:39 PM
 
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And if you want to hear about my ex's most recent self-incriminating act, just PM me . It's both and at the same time!

Ahem, or you could post it here.

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#143 of 310 Old 10-25-2007, 12:41 AM
 
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Im so sorry your feeling down....I know exactly how that is. I have those days at least once every 1 to 2 weeks. It all catches up to me and surrounds me and suffocates me. I cant do anything but cry and feel sorry for myself for a good 15 min of so. I think it is healthy to let it out, but on the other hand I wish he didnt have such an effect on me still. I dunno.... Like someone said earlier, we are only human, its ok. Lots of hugs and prayers!
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#144 of 310 Old 10-25-2007, 01:56 AM
 
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why should it bother me that in the safeway bag (with the dirty cloth diapers that bk sent home with the kids yesterday) was a reciept for eggplant, avocados, chicken breast, pinot noir, and a dozen white roses? this is not news to me. or at least it shouldn't be...
I read your blog sometimes, and I remember when you first started posting about what is going on.

This broke my heart. That would kill me, too. I can completely understand why that stings.

Much love to you. He's an ass, and if there is any kind of justice in the world, one day he'll know what he gave up.
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#145 of 310 Old 10-25-2007, 02:07 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Still_Snarky View Post
why should it bother me that in the safeway bag (with the dirty cloth diapers that bk sent home with the kids yesterday) was a reciept for eggplant, avocados, chicken breast, pinot noir, and a dozen white roses? this is not news to me. or at least it shouldn't be...
How about a different spin on things? The eggplant was not cooked properly, ending up a greasy, soggy mess of grossness. The avocado was spoiled. The chicken breasts came out dry and cardboard-like. The wine was corked. And SHE bought HIM the flowers, because she knows full well he's the type of man to cheat, so she's already desperately trying to keep him. Already.

See.... dontcha feel better now?

Strength and healing to you, C.
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#146 of 310 Old 10-25-2007, 02:10 AM
 
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You know what the saddest part of this is? There will come a time when these children will be able to see him for what he is, and they will remember it forever.

I counsel people daily, and I spoke to a middle aged man today who nearly made me cry recounting how unloved he felt as a child. It only makes me more determined to continue working on my relationship with my own dsd, and it makes me admire every other single mother out there who is carrying the ball for an absent or uncaring partner.

Sometimes hoping Karma comes back to bite the BK's of the world on the ass is all that gets me through the day. Just know that when your dcs think back on their childhood they will always remember they were loved by their mother, and you were always there for them even when there wasn't money for champagne and avocados.

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#147 of 310 Old 10-25-2007, 06:49 PM
 
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My kids both wore cloth diapers, and I do support cloth diapering but.....

In this case, I think I'd tell R to use disposables (because he's not going to launder the cloth himself). There's something insulting about the way he returns the dirty cloth diapers. (and then in the bag with that receipt.) If he uses the disposables, he can buy them and keep them himself at his place. And the package of diapers would leave R and Auntie with a constant reminder of you and the kids.
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#148 of 310 Old 10-25-2007, 07:17 PM
 
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My kids both wore cloth diapers, and I do support cloth diapering but.....

In this case, I think I'd tell R to use disposables (because he's not going to launder the cloth himself). There's something insulting about the way he returns the dirty cloth diapers. (and then in the bag with that receipt.) If he uses the disposables, he can buy them and keep them himself at his place. And the package of diapers would leave R and Auntie with a constant reminder of you and the kids.
:
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#149 of 310 Old 10-25-2007, 07:31 PM
 
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Maude, PLEASE let the man either wash his own diapers or just send some disposables if you're worried he wouldn't bother to pick some up.
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#150 of 310 Old 10-25-2007, 10:59 PM
 
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Maude, PLEASE let the man either wash his own diapers or just send some disposables if you're worried he wouldn't bother to pick some up.

I completely agree but....whose Maude?

M : proud mama to B (16) : and G (8) and : x 2 :
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