Mothering Forum banner

Angry at my ex for getting me into financial trouble

931 views 4 replies 4 participants last post by  gurumama 
#1 ·
I have always been a great money manager. I saved tons of money before goign off to college. I saved money again to start a business. Then I met and fell in love. I was blind because of being in love and let me ex drive my business into the ground and get me in all kinds of debt. Everythign went under my name because I had perfect credit and she had a bankruptcy. Now my credit is horrible, horrible, horrible and I'm so mad. Luckily, I had bought a house (in just my name) before everythign got really bad. Now, though, I'm tryign to trade in my car which has always been a cinch because my credit has always been perfect and NOBODY will give me a loan. I'm so angry and upset at having to deal with this financial crisis that's not of my doing.

I try to keep telling myself that I have a beautiful and affordable house, a working car and beautiful children and money isn't all that important. I'm sure I will be able to work myself out of this mess in years and years, but I'm so angry about this. I was such a sucker and I hate that I let myself be taken in by all that "I love you and would never hurt you" bullsh*t!
 
#2 ·
That totally sucks.
It sounds as if you're angry at yourself as much if not more than you're angry at your ex, though. May I gently suggest that you need to forgive yourself for this? Although the end result may be the same, it's not as if you squandered your credit on a lark; you trusted and loved someone who didn't deserve your trust. The lion's share of the blame goes to your ex, not to you.

How would you treat one of your kids if the same thing happened to him? Don't you think you deserve the same understanding and forgiveness you'd show to one of your kids who got burned because he was a trusting and loving person?

On a more practical note, have you looked into places like http://www.fool.com/ccc/ccc.htm for advice on how to clean up your credit?
 
#3 ·
That is just the pits! I am so sorry for you. However, you need to give yourself a break. I think that maybe other emotions are getting in the way of you forgiving yourself --- the fact that a person that you loved, wholeheartedly, and then let you down is probably a huge factor in this. Go easy on yourself and remember that YOU can eventually solve this credit problem.

I am frequently trying to remind myself that money isn't important too.

Good Luck
ENJOY!
 
#4 ·
Thanks, that's exactly the issue, I'm mad at myself to having let her do her emotional blackmailing making me feel guilty for not sharing all my money with her. I just have such a hard time giving myself a break for having felt guilty that I had soemthing that I worked hard for. I felt that I had to just give it away. I basically signed over a profitable retail store to her which she ran into the ground. I will now pay off all the loans I used to start it without anything from the business that I spent years building.

Good idea to think about how I would treat my child if he did the same thing and it wouldn't be this harshly.
 
#5 ·
Oh, geekmom, I know EXACTLY where you're at. My X did the SAME thing. "Let's transfer my cc debt from my 18% rate to your 9% rate." "I NEED a new computer. Let's put it on your card." "You can get student loans at 5%--lets get $4000 and pay off my 19% Sears card..." "Why not? Marriage is a partnership and I can't believe you don't want to do it--how can you be so selfish..."

On and on and on. I was reading Tightwad Gazette while he was spending $50 every third day at the GAS STATION buying magazines, cigarettes, and candy. I worked two jobs and asked him to get a second job. His answer? "Two jobs are for two people."

And GOD FORBID is I ever said no to giving/lending/extending credit to him. Guilt, guilt, guilt.

In the end he left me, told me he was declaring bankruptcy. Refused to accept responsibility for ANY of the debt of his I'd assumed. My lawyer said the laws of our state meant that I was not only responsible for anything in my name, but that the creditors could come after me for HIS debts.

So I declared bankruptcy. It SUCKED. This involved debts from him that were more than 4x my annual income.

So what you're feeling is sucker regret and anger. You sound like you're furious that you bought the bullsh!t, the emotional manipulation, etc.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It took me years to get over it (we split in 1996). The worst, though, was learning in 2000 (3 years after my bankruptcy) that he had NEVER FILED FOR BANKRUPTCY!!!! I could have handled the stuff in MY name--it was the combined totals that I couldn't deal with. So the SOB screwed me in every direction. And this was someone I loved.

What helps me is to remember that I did it out of love, kindness, and a sense of trust. Those are valuable, worthwhile traits in a person, and I would never want NOT to have them. I just have learned, and I moved on and have been in an outstanding relationship with a new person now, who appreciates those qualities without taking advantage of them.

The other thing that helped was having someone characterize my X as a sociopath.

Anyhow, I good luck fixing your credit and at least it's over--she cannot do anything more to you financially. Whatever steps you take now are unfettered by her.
 
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top