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#1 of 8 Old 11-23-2007, 06:33 PM - Thread Starter
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nope, not from a baby's mouth...from a grown man's. i am disturbed so much by my moms boyf of about 3 yrs' 'baby talk'. he does it w/ megh and he does it w/ his 2 boys when they are visiting or on the phone w/ him (they are 9 and 14). it annoys me cuz i like megh to be talked to normally...sweetly, but not 'baby talked'. my mom says that is just 'how he is'. case closed on that issue, basically...i said well it disturbs me...she was like how so? of course i didn't go THERE but i basically just said i don't know him that makes me nervous. i let her figure out the rest for herself. i'm not accusing him of being a molestor or anything but being the hawk that i am watching adults and older children as well with my dd, i can't help but worry about this 'baby talk' stuff. it triggers me for some reason...i get afraid he's grooming my dd. maybe this is all just worry and i don't need to be concerned... but i can't help it. all i know is megh won't be left alone w/ him. he's probably just being 'sweet'.

i think my mom thinks cuz the are both helping us financially w/ rent that they somehow also are parenting megh and sheamas as well. i occasionally get testy w/ my mom about how they seem to hoard megh when they are w/ us...its like my mom takes over as 'mother'. and even her boyf starts telling megh what not to do and do and it bugs me. like my moms body language. i can't explain it. i just don't like it. i remind my mom that *I* am the mother, not some child. last night at the restaurant megh was lapping her whipped cream on her pie like a little puppy and she was told not to do that by my mom and her boyf. i finally piped up and said 'that is FINE. i don't mind that she does that'. i mean REALLY......what is the big deal? she was having fun and enjoying her whipped cream. it isn't like she will forgot how and never use utensils again. as for being full of etiquette in front of other people, i really don't care about that... i just like to look at things like 'does this REALLY matter THAT much?'. moms boyf can be controlling...we'll be leaving and he'll tell megh to hold on to the handrail going down the stairs of the condo outside...that doesn't matter much as their stairs inside going to the loft area. and then he wouldn't give megh her pistacio's back til she put on her bugged me. also at the restaurant my mom would tell megh its ok to have this or that and i was trying to get megh to eat some more turkey/veggies...and i am RIGHT hello, i am not a nonexistant or invisible mama! or my mom would be the one to bring megh to the buffet or bathroom...i felt so annoyed cuz i wanted to have some time/say with my own dd on thanksgiving for petes sake........i missed her as megh had spent most of the day focused on my moms boyf, just watching movies at their house or talking or playing...i missed my baby girl. i was jealous and annoyed...or like yesterday megh had a chocolate gingerbread looking boy she was eating and then moms boyf tells her only one more bite or she could get wired and starts edumacating her on the effects of sugar and caffeine...i wanted to say JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE OUR FAMILY AND WE JUST MOVED BACK HERE DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN ACT LIKE YOU ARE MEGHAN'S FATHER. I AM HER MOTHER AND I WILL HANDLE THIS. i piped up and said you know, i had a TON of espresso and sugar while megh was in my womb and she was calmer than sheamas is. she doesn't get hyper from it. i wanted to say DON'T YOU TELL HER HOW MUCH CHOCOLATE SHE CAN HAVE OR WHATEVER... its like he just likes to just tell kids what to do and what not to do. you should see him w/ his boys...he's just ON them so much, especially the 9 yo who is more hyper and tests his dad like the hell am i going to handle this. this kind of thing bugs me pg or mom and him keep saying how we are 'raising' these (my) kids together....yes...and no. like if you are going to 'raise' them, i feel you should be on MY program...the way i parent, people. my mom certainly wasn't the best of mothers....she blames ME for things SHE was accountable for. she knocks teenage years like all teens are unruly. she brought up how *I* was at 14 the other day and i said DON'T EVEN GO THERE PLEASE... and she goes on to say i lost my virginity (in front of her boyfriend) at 14...i said yeah, and who had put me on BIRTH CONTROL!!!??? therefore just encouraging me to screw all my boyfriends...i mean REALLY! if i'd had a great family life and didn't feel so sad and alone inside and out i don't think i'd have started so young and been so sexual. it bugs me that she puts it on ME. so you can kind of see why i'm triggered by her taking over w/ MY dd, even when i'm right there. and she is also really into getting my last will and testament notarized. she added her boyf on there in case she is dead or inable to care for my children. i said i didn't SAY you could add him! she is so controlling in a weird way and i am really frustrated. i wouldn't want megh to go w/ them. i'd rather her and sheamas go w/ friends in MN. my mom is afraid tom (my ex) will get custody of megh should i die because i'd had him as first guardian on my current will...i just don't like all this 'we are raising them too' crap and focus on if i die before i give birth.........grrr. anyway this has turned into a big vent. i tossed and turned last night thinking about all this and it is really on my heart and bugging me. any advice??? how do i stand strong in how megh is grandparented by these people MY WAY. they both act like they are experts. i don't like this at all. cuz i see how megh resists their way and it goes into a power struggle and how she acts. it breaks my heart. help.

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#2 of 8 Old 11-23-2007, 07:09 PM
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I'm sorry you are going through this! I know what you mean! I've felt the same way with family. If they would just back off, I could do my job and would be able to focus on my kids and not them and power struggles! As if they are a dark cloud ruining my experiences as a mother. I used to fight it and bring it up and watch things and point them out and hold them accountable. They backed off and I'm sure walked on egg shells. It got so bad, I moved away for 1 year. They knew it was because of them. Then I moved back, and everyone respected my boundaries because they missed my kids and didn't want to take us being back for granted. It's been 2 years and they respect my boundaries and we are closer. I think ME being close to them and friends with them made then realize it's happier and better to have me as a friend. There are still times that they test me. But it's way better. My older sister used to put me down as a mom. (she has no kids) but the other day she said "you are more women then I am, I couldn't handle nursing at night while I was trying to sleep."

One thing I do, it realize that EVERYONE is annoying, and I'm annoying to them. But I will still love them anyway, and they will still love me. I also think about how sad I'd be if my mom died. And then all her knit picking is kind of sweet. If that makes sense.

Your mom's bf has gotta be a pain!! That would really annoy me. Do NOT add him to your will. I mean HELLO!! At one point a lot of us thought we'd be with our ex's forever, and now look. Yuck. My MIL had a bf that I didn't trust. She was often upset because I never let her watch my kids, but it wasn't because of her, but because of him. I didn't want to offend anyone, and I did like him, but didn't know him well enough to blindly trust. I agree older kids have bad judgement and you need to watch them!! I think your mom's bf is just dense and doesn't realize that just because he's a MAN doesn't mean he's welcome to step in and is being a big helper hero.

You need to tell them that they HAVE to do things your way, because you're the mom and it simply doesn't matter if they think their way is better. It's not their child. Tell your mom to tell her bf to back off and that his help is NOT welcome. Tell her to or you will tell him yourself. Spend less time around them, and let them know that if it keeps up, you going to have to plan on leaving in the future. Simple! Keep us updated.
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#3 of 8 Old 11-23-2007, 07:22 PM - Thread Starter
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ugh...i don't know if i have the kahunas to tell him to back off...i think he means well...he is just a little too cocky and self righteous as he himself is a father of 2 boys, 9 and 15...that the mom withheld from him, for many years apparently...he doesn't seem bitter about my situation which is great. he can be very nice...he really is actually...but like you said, to blindly trust him is not gonna happen. usually my mom is in for the night and us spending time w/ her past the time he gets off of work isn't happening anyway so really, weekends would be the only time we see him for the most part. or if we invite them to hang w/ us in the hot tub. maybe i should stop doing that. how the hell am i going to change that will w/out upsetting or offending my controlling mother too much? sigh... she doesn't understand i have OTHER people in my life i'd rather megh and my son to go live with should i die. i know of 2 families i'd be content w/ their being with. i want to tell my mom to get over herself as a guardian/mother and let ME make my own decisions. i hate strings attached. she's even fillled out the will herself. what kind of control freak is that.

update: i've now decided i'll just have a more current will made and make my friends in MN guardians and let my mom think she is number one since that is what she wants to think re. my children. VERY uncool of her to push this when i'm pg and about to birth. how dare she focus on my death .

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#4 of 8 Old 11-25-2007, 10:57 PM - Thread Starter
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my mother wrote me an email today and i'm not sure what to say in return re. it...obviously they are feeling my ill feelings re. their ways w/ my dd... i have read up on how child molestors 'lure' children and her boyf fits way too many of the he gets on kids' level w/ baby he asks for a hug from he gets authoritarian to keep control in his court...he just seems to be moving so fast w/ my dd in their relationship...maybe he isn't a child molestor, and maybe i'm way out of bounds but i can't help but watch him like a HAWK, ya know.........anyway, here is her email to me...

It's hard for us to discuss this while Megh is with
us, so I thought we should talk via email.
For all intents and purposes, we are all living
together, and therefore there will be times when Greg
and I will need to do some minor dicipline. We want to
leave most of it up to you, of course. But, being
together day in and day out, it will be impossible for
the occasion not to arise. Basically, we are living
under the same roof, being this close to each other,
and so involved in each others lives.
SO: I have read the Unconditional Dicipline book
cover to cover. It sounds wonderful, and I am working
hard to apply his suggestions. There is a learning
curve, so there will be some "slips"......but
certainly not major ones. (Even YOU slip
occasionally.) I wish he or someone like him provided
online counselling when questions arise that are not
covered in his book. BOTTOM LINE: I adore Megh, and
want nothing but her happiness and safety. I also want
to be treated kindly by her, more often than not. I
understand that takes guidance, love, and time. So, we
need to have an on-going conversation about dicipline
attempts that have worked and those that have not
worked (with Megh's and our best interests in mind).
AND: Greg has come to love Megh very much. He truly
enjoys being with her. I have spoken to him about the
orange book, and he is gradually coming to understand
the concepts. He wants to learn, and will make every
effort to apply his understanding. And, yes....there
will be "slips", but never slips of anger or
hostility. Mostly, like me, Greg worries about Megh's
happiness, health, and safety. I have, and will
continue, to talk to Greg about the spanking threats.
He says he only said that because he wanted to impress
upon Megh the severe danger of smoking. I will contine
to remind him that there are other ways to do so, and
that spanking threats are absolutely NOT OK. He said
he would never do such a thing, but that it was the
shock value of getting her attention.
(Same with the threat to the boys in the back of the
pickup truck). I believe all parents and caregivers
occasionally resort to such a sloppy technique out of
fear for the child's well-being. (Even YOU, threaten
the gypsies or police on occasion.)
WHAT I WOULD LIKE: is that we have an on-going, loving
discussion (email) about what worked and what did not.
Rather than pouncing on Greg and I for our "mistakes"
or overstepping our grand-parenting rights, could we
have this loving discussion instead? It really hurts
to be blasted (ESPECIALY in front of Meghan), when all
we are trying to do is give Megh our most loving care.
If you compare Greg and I to the MAJORITY of
grandparents, I think you would agree that we come
from the most loving, caring place when it comes to
Megh (and Sheamas, when the little guy is here). Greg
and I are WILLINGLY sacrificing our money, time, and
energy to provide the best we can for you, Meghan, and
Sheamas. Please show us with your kindness and
humility that you appreciate our efforts, even if we
"slip" occasionaly.
I love you very much,

and my reply to her so far....which i'm SURE she will find rude and disrespectful or whatever...but it is how i feel and where i'm at so far w/ this...

hi mama,
i don't have the energy to tackle much of a response to this at the present time...but i can say that naomi aldort is an awesome woman to call upon and talk w/ for counseling over the phone. if you ever want to talk w/ her, her website is just tell her who you are, that you are lisbeth e.'s mother/meghan's grandmother and she will know who i am. she is awesome.

i let meghs' 'rude' moments of expression slide past...most of the time. as i have told you, you can't take it personally. i can't 'make' her be polite and nor do i care to stuff her emotions if that is how she is feeling at the moment. i don't wish to punish her. maybe we could have a 3 way phone counseling w/ naomi soon? i think megh is testing you because she sees how upset you get. and she probably wonders if you will stick around or give up on her as tom had so many times...i know you feel you 'know' my meghy well enough but really, she hasn't been around you long enough for her to have that security. i am her mom and i call the shots on how she is to be treated and disciplined. i need you guys to cooperate and do things MY way.

as for living under the same roof, i don't feel the same way nor do i feel we are all 'raising' my children. i am their parent and i do not care for you and greg telling megh what to do and so forth in certain ways/circumstances that you both have done consistently. ie. megh does not need to put her shoes on before she has her pistacio's back or hold onto the handrail going down the outside stairs. she does not need to say excuse me after burping or give a hug to someone asking for one. i never want her to feel she has to do that. i'm not sure yet how exactly to handle certain things w/out having her feel punished or something witheld...after all, how would WE feel if someone did that to us? she does not need the movie paused until she gets a tissue to blow her nose cuz she is refusing to go blow in a tissue. she resents being told what to do...she will buck it to high noon. so we need to find other ways to convince her to do the best for herself, make it show that it is about HER, not us telling her what to do, and also choose our 'battles'. a lot of these things can be ignored or just showered w/ love. megh may do the push pull thing...she is still hurting. she lost a man in her life she considered her 'daddy' for 2 years almost. she is grieving. i'm sure she is feeling very insecure, confused, hurt, angry and frustrated. please be patient w/ her. PLEASE try not to take her attitudes personally. she is just a little girl....this is how little children express themselves when they don't know how else to express them. i know it hurts... but we are the grown ups here.

as for greg...i think he is a very nice man...but i personally do not know him well enough yet to have blind trust in him being so friendly w/ my daughter. i am thrilled that he cares so much about megh...yet it makes me nervous too. the baby talking and the telling megh what to do and not to do according to his ways isn't flying w/ me. i do not want to make greg feel embarassed or bad or wrong but i do not care for my daughter nor son to be talked to with baby talk. i know many moms and dads who ask people to talk to their kids regularly, and not w/ baby talking. there are other ways to reflect in your voice that you care. you say 'well that is just him'. but as her mother, it needs to stop. i don't know how else to say it. i don't want my daughter talking like that anymore than she already sometimes does.

i will come back to this email when i have more energy to really focus on it...i'm pooped and megh is needing my company. i have been wanting to read my unconditional parenting again as well, and i have another one by pam leo you may want to get as well called 'connection parenting'. none of us are perfect. i'm certainly not. we need to all take care of ourselves as well so we can be as present and happy and centered when w/ my children as we can so we don't project our crap onto them when they do stuff that we consider unpleasant. i am so grateful for you guys being so close by and being in our lives...we are so blessed. you have made megh so happy, and even though she doesn't show it in certain moments, she does care deeply. please give her time...more soon.


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#5 of 8 Old 11-26-2007, 12:07 AM
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Wow........... I'm impressed by how you are handling this. Good for you, too, that you are setting such strong boundaries regarding your mom's bf........I don't like how they both assume he has some kind of right to her. Any adult has to take the time to let a relationship grow with a child, not go around making assumptions about what their role should be. But this man doesn't even have a blood tie or a family history. I mean, if it was your dad, a lot of times kids glom right on to family members they've never even met. But that's just not the case here, and you are right to politely and persistently set the boundaries where YOU and your dd feel comfortable, because the man has no rights.

Oh, the lengths we go to, trying to provide for our childrens' material needs!
Good luck!

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#6 of 8 Old 11-26-2007, 12:52 AM - Thread Starter
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oh THANK you singin'intherain......i realllllly needed someone who understands to validate that i am feeling justified stuff here and not just overreacting or something to show my mom who's boss of my kids. : what is frustrating is i think there are strings attached re. them helping us financially w/ rent, so they feel they are raising my kids too...and that they will be w/ my kids more than i'm going to let them once i am working....sigh. it does seem my mom is trying but she still seems to want the upper hand. i deserve respect and honor as these are MY children. not THEIRS. her boyf came over to the ice rink here at the resort today and again asks megh for a hug.....god i hate that. i wanted to smack him. and he tells her to be a good girl. i hate that too! its like its all about HIM and what he says to her to do. i think he does mean well but man its annoying. i only was getting to know him a short time before i moved away to the midwest 2 years ago, then on one visit to OR while living in MN i saw him a few times and then now, since late october...and all of a sudden he is 'grandpa'??? he's 46 years old and my mom is 60. its just so annoying. sigh.

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#7 of 8 Old 11-26-2007, 01:18 AM
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I agree, you are NOT overreacting. I think your mother sounds well meaning, but you are correct...the 3 of you are NOT all 'raising' Megh. YOU are the parent. You are NOT trampling on their grand-parent rights to raise their grandkids (I can't remember how exactly she put it), you are parenting.

This kind of thing hapens all too often with single mamas, well meaning family members help out and begin getting WAY too involved emotionally in the child. If a H or SO was present, it wouldn't happen :

Another thing, always trust your instincts about a person. Greg may be just fine, annoying habit of babytalking, but harmless...he also could be otherwise and YOU need time to watch and wait until you feel more comfortable with his involvement. I would be livid.
You are handling it nicely

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#8 of 8 Old 11-26-2007, 01:56 AM - Thread Starter
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lol my dd is asking me what a 'dork' means....i'm stumbling!!! actually i guess i'd say (if i did say it) that it is when other people who are pretentious or wanting someone to act like they are judge someone else who isn't doing it there way or their version of cool. but i don't know if that would be understood by a 5 yo. lol : so i will just let it pass til i have a better answer.......

thank you for replying beloved. that means so much to me as well........not sure how to get around this. when we are with my mom and her boyf especially they just are so into calling the shots w/ my dd. i am avoiding them as much as i can now...

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