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Old 11-27-2007, 03:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hello all,

So I have been dating a wonderful person for the last 4 months. He is perfect does everything for me and my son. Wants to take parenting classes. Has a good paying job that could support us in the future since we have talked about marriage a couple of times.

Yet I sense something, he got a DUI when he was 18, which was about 10 years ago. Anyway he told me he went to prison for it, I thought you just go to county jail? When he got the DUI he was also enrolled in the Army, they kicked him out.

I have also observed some possible abusive tendencies in him. He gets upset when my child disrespects me and blames it on me. He doesn't punish because he knows that my duty.

The other day he thought I gave him sleeping pills because he slept all day. He has been working really hard on many different projects in his industry and his body needed to recover. He didnt believe me when I told him I didnt give him pills "He began hulisicnating like I did." It was scary.

He has never laid a hand on me. I have made it clear I will leave if he does. I want to find out his background for my childs sake. If this man has another outburst I am done. Move on, cant be has bad as a nasty divorce. Nothing is that bad.

So what websites that are free, can provide me with prisoner info?

Thanks
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Old 11-27-2007, 03:11 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Mtnmumma View Post
Hello all,

So I have been dating a wonderful person for the last 4 months. He is perfect does everything for me and my son. Wants to take parenting classes. Has a good paying job that could support us in the future since we have talked about marriage a couple of times.

Yet I sense something, he got a DUI when he was 18, which was about 10 years ago. Anyway he told me he went to prison for it, I thought you just go to county jail? When he got the DUI he was also enrolled in the Army, they kicked him out.

I have also observed some possible abusive tendencies in him. He gets upset when my child disrespects me and blames it on me. He doesn't punish because he knows that my duty.

The other day he thought I gave him sleeping pills because he slept all day. He has been working really hard on many different projects in his industry and his body needed to recover. He didnt believe me when I told him I didnt give him pills "He began hulisicnating like I did." It was scary.

He has never laid a hand on me. I have made it clear I will leave if he does. I want to find out his background for my childs sake. If this man has another outburst I am done. Move on, cant be has bad as a nasty divorce. Nothing is that bad.

So what websites that are free, can provide me with prisoner info?

Thanks
Listen to your instincts, mama. Listen to yourself. Just the fact that you're feeling drawn toward looking into researching this man's history is a bad indicator of his personality, imho.
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Old 11-27-2007, 03:20 PM
 
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Asa therapist, I haveto saythat these are CLEAR warning sign s that something is up. The DUI wouldn'tbother me if it was in the past, but the sleeping pill thing is a clear indicator and I would get my kids out of there as quickly as posssible. Please. And either way, get a background check. It is worth the $30.
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Old 11-27-2007, 03:59 PM
 
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ITA with the pps - please get a background check, you can do one instantly online. I would listen to your instincts, they are telling you something loud and clear. Please protect yourself on your dc by checking this guy's background out before you spend any more time with him.

Good luck.
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Old 11-27-2007, 04:47 PM
 
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Just agreeing with the others to listen to your instincts. But, honestly, don't wait for the next outburst, one outburst could be one too many.
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Old 11-27-2007, 04:52 PM
 
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if you are thinking about getting a background check, that would be enough for me to step back from this relationship. if there is no trust, there is nothing. I'd save your $ on the background check and get out fast!

btw you do not go to prison for DUI. county jail it is.

Blissful Mama to DD-(5), DS-(6) and someone new due in November!
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Old 11-27-2007, 04:58 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Mtnmumma View Post
Hello all,

So I have been dating a wonderful person for the last 4 months. He is perfect does everything for me and my son. Wants to take parenting classes. Has a good paying job that could support us in the future since we have talked about marriage a couple of times.

Yet I sense something, he got a DUI when he was 18, which was about 10 years ago. Anyway he told me he went to prison for it, I thought you just go to county jail? When he got the DUI he was also enrolled in the Army, they kicked him out.

I have also observed some possible abusive tendencies in him. He gets upset when my child disrespects me and blames it on me. He doesn't punish because he knows that my duty.

The other day he thought I gave him sleeping pills because he slept all day. He has been working really hard on many different projects in his industry and his body needed to recover. He didnt believe me when I told him I didnt give him pills "He began hulisicnating like I did." It was scary.

He has never laid a hand on me. I have made it clear I will leave if he does. I want to find out his background for my childs sake. If this man has another outburst I am done. Move on, cant be has bad as a nasty divorce. Nothing is that bad.

So what websites that are free, can provide me with prisoner info?

Thanks
LEAVE NOW !! As a parent it is your responsibility to provide your child a safe environment ... Regardless of your feelings for him,, THIS MAN IS NOT SAFE
Your child and YOU are worth more than this !!!
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Old 11-27-2007, 05:01 PM
 
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As someone who has been in an abusive relationship before, please listen to your gut and to the women here, and get out before you or your child get hurt. The deeper and more involved you get, the harder and more dangerous things get, and the more difficult it can be to leave. Please think this through!
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Old 11-27-2007, 05:05 PM
 
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The "uh-oh" feeling.

Listen to it.
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Old 11-27-2007, 06:58 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MsChatsAlot View Post
Just agreeing with the others to listen to your instincts. But, honestly, don't wait for the next outburst, one outburst could be one too many.
:

Get away from this man -
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Old 11-27-2007, 07:02 PM
 
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Get. Out. Now.

There is no reason for you, or your child, to be anywhere near this guy.
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Old 11-27-2007, 07:51 PM
 
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As someone who has been in an abusive relationship before, please listen to your gut and to the women here, and get out before you or your child get hurt. The deeper and more involved you get, the harder and more dangerous things get, and the more difficult it can be to leave. Please think this through!
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Originally Posted by FancyD View Post
Get. Out. Now.

There is no reason for you, or your child, to be anywhere near this guy.

oh, mama..........really, your gut is telling you something. Its SO important that you listen. These men do not get better, they get worse.

I'm going tomorrow to get a protection order against my 'nice guy who does everything for me and my (dd)".

its NOT safe!

proverbs 29:7 the righteous care about justice for the poor, but the wicked have no such concern.

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Old 11-27-2007, 08:02 PM
 
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I wouldn't worry too much about the DUI conviction from a decade ago. Look at how he's treating you here and now.

You don't feel safe around him, you have this uneasy feeling, and he's blown up and blamed you for somebody else's behavior. He accused you of drugging him and didn't beleive you when you denied it.

You and your child deserve better than this. Why wait for another outburst before moving on?

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19, Hannah, 18 (commuting to college), and Jack, 13(homeschooled)
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Old 11-27-2007, 08:02 PM
 
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btw you do not go to prison for DUI. county jail it is.
Not necessarily, depends on if it is your first & where you live (and if there was a car accident/injuries resulting from it, etc). Where we live if you get a second (or third) DUI and get jail time, they usually go to state prision b/c our county jails are full.

.

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Old 11-27-2007, 08:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hey Ladies,

I especially want to give a shot out to the ones who had to deal with dv and found away to get out. I was in a emotionally abusive marriage in the past and am making sure that it never happens again.

In dealing with this issue, I feel that it is important to do as much research on this man as possible. I see goodness in him. Yet I want to avoid becoming a victim and never want to deal with the pain that many abused women in America have to face.

I am not justifying his actions but I am quite firm with him and he seems to not react aggressive towards me when I stand up and demand he agree with me.

For example, my little one was having problems going the bathroom and was pretty much bleeding into the toilet because he was constipated and tore some of his internal skin. However I did not know this at the time. We were at my bf parents house at the time and of course my bf didn't think it was a big deal.

I was quite concerned for my little one. Asked my bf a few times if we could take him to the hospital. He said that my little boy is fine and that it is no big deal.

Finally I pulled the Boyfriend into another room and told him "that he needs to take us to the hospital immediately no excuses." At which point he grabbed his keys and immediately took us to the emergency room.

Later he told me that I need to be firm with him more often. That if I feel that if it is an emergency I need to tell to get his butt into gear and take care of it.

Yet, the outburst the other day is of concern. He told me he was sorry about 30 minutes later, which I have found it to be very hard for some men to do I told him that if we dont have trust we have nothing, he needs to trust me.

So I am analyzing him at this point researching looking for the 10 signs that your mans an abuser. He hasn't emotionally cut me down, Which hasn't happened.

I am gaining wait from birth control and he hasn't even noticed, tells me I am beautiful with or without makeup. Never looks at other women in front of me. Accepts my hairy legs ( I dont shave much,always forget too) never has once said you need to shave. Accepts my male friends and my family. Isn't controlling.

So I am testing the waters just in case seeing his reactions to things. I know it seems as though I might be putting myself in harms way. A part of me trusts that I am currently making the right decision. I figure my last marriage failed because I didn't "Look before I leaped". This time I will do a background check and anaylze, anaylze. If he turns out to be Loser abuser type I will immediatly cut my loses and get on out.

Well thats what I am doing. Looking for the warning signs and any indication that this guy is an abuser. The outburst maybe but can I let this one slide. How about the 3 strikes your out rule. :

What other warning signs should I be weary of besides the ones I mentioned?
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Old 11-27-2007, 08:31 PM
 
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Please listen to your instincts. You know something is wrong.
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Old 11-27-2007, 08:38 PM
 
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No abusers are "bad" all the time. If they were, nobody would ever fall in love with them and get stuck in abusive relationships in the first place!!!

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19, Hannah, 18 (commuting to college), and Jack, 13(homeschooled)
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Old 11-27-2007, 08:41 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Mtnmumma View Post
Hello all,

So I have been dating a wonderful person for the last 4 months. He is perfect does everything for me and my son. Wants to take parenting classes. Has a good paying job that could support us in the future since we have talked about marriage a couple of times.

Yet I sense something, he got a DUI when he was 18, which was about 10 years ago. Anyway he told me he went to prison for it, I thought you just go to county jail? When he got the DUI he was also enrolled in the Army, they kicked him out.

I have also observed some possible abusive tendencies in him. He gets upset when my child disrespects me and blames it on me. He doesn't punish because he knows that my duty.

The other day he thought I gave him sleeping pills because he slept all day. He has been working really hard on many different projects in his industry and his body needed to recover. He didnt believe me when I told him I didnt give him pills "He began hulisicnating like I did." It was scary.

He has never laid a hand on me. I have made it clear I will leave if he does. I want to find out his background for my childs sake. If this man has another outburst I am done. Move on, cant be has bad as a nasty divorce. Nothing is that bad.

So what websites that are free, can provide me with prisoner info?

Thanks

Contact CPS. Just tell them about the guy and that you want to make sure that your son is safe and have them run the background check. They should do it for free and be happy to do so because it does show your care for your son!

Loving Mother to our adoption miracle, Riana :, and our angel baby, Xavier. Trying for baby. Wife to my Hero! BLOG LINK IN PROFILE
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Old 11-27-2007, 08:43 PM
 
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I am gaining wait from birth control and he hasn't even noticed, tells me I am beautiful with or without makeup. Never looks at other women in front of me. Accepts my hairy legs ( I dont shave much,always forget too) never has once said you need to shave. Accepts my male friends and my family. Isn't controlling.
Sorry, just a side note, but... shouldn't these things be givens rather than extraordinary?? I really think we (as women) short change ourselves when we settle for mediocrity. Demand better for yourself. There are plenty of good men out there who will do these things without the whole off-ish gut feeling.
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Old 11-27-2007, 08:44 PM
 
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He said that my little boy is fine and that it is no big deal.
This is just me, but this is a deal breaker. If I tell someone my kid needs to go to the hospital, the only answer is "I'll get the car". Period. I think you're really making excuses for him.
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Old 11-27-2007, 10:07 PM
 
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I am sorry, and I have to tell you I think most abusers are savvy enought to know when you are testing the waters and able to pass w/ flying colors. They are likely to wait til they get lazy or know you don't have any way to escape to escalate to overt abuse.

Can you run his name on the local state court site?
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Old 11-27-2007, 10:20 PM
 
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this whole thing seems really weird and off. there is nothing that makes this sound like a good situation.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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Old 11-27-2007, 10:40 PM
 
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Can you run his name on the local state court site?
Very good idea! What state are you in? You can usually do a search for "Department of Corrections" and find the database. Let me know if you need help.
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Old 11-27-2007, 10:46 PM
 
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Contact CPS. Just tell them about the guy and that you want to make sure that your son is safe and have them run the background check. They should do it for free and be happy to do so because it does show your care for your son!
I think this is a bad idea. If CPS finds him "unstable" and she chooses to stay with him anyway, she's at risk of losing her DS by "putting him in harm's way."

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19, Hannah, 18 (commuting to college), and Jack, 13(homeschooled)
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Old 11-27-2007, 10:57 PM
 
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If you stay with this guy, how would you feel if he did something terrible to your child?? I just finished reading about the mother in Texas (and her boyfriend) who had her 2 year old's body wash up on shore! GET AWAY FROM THIS GUY IF YOU LOVE YOUR CHILD. I also read a study that says the most abusive men who hurt/kill kids are usually not biological fathers. Not always true of course, but it's the majority of the time.

You can find a nice guy without multiple DUI's. (oh, and that rhymed too!)

Circ doesn't work! Stop the violence of circumcison. Had another UP/UC/HB in August!
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Old 11-27-2007, 11:10 PM
 
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Trust your instinct.
Something is wrong, get away now.

Your User Agreement here at MDC, read it and make it your friend and read the FAQ to answer all the questions of the (MDC) world.
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Old 11-27-2007, 11:17 PM
 
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Run. Run. Run. dont walk.

i could put links here for story after story about BF killing their GF children. it just happened with "baby grace" that baby found in a bin in tx.
please RUN far away.
NOW

Erika, wife to Eric, Mom to Son's, Mathias, Colin and Bonus Baby Girl Salem ::
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Old 11-27-2007, 11:25 PM
 
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Red flags all over the place, Mama. Listen to your gut.

You know something is wrong, you wouldn't have posted here otherwise.

Listen to your gut. trust your instincts.

Do you have someplace else to go? If you do, go there as soon as possible. If you don't, start finding one. Try posting in your tribal area if need be. You need a plan, and I think you know it doesn't include this guy.
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Old 11-27-2007, 11:58 PM
 
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ok, everyone seemed to skip over this, but....he had hallucinations and then got paranoid that you put sleeping pills in his drink. Can we say "paranoid schizophrenia?" Look into it.

Everyone has some good in them, but he sounds off. You're questioning it. It's only been 4 months and he's talking marriage (not a huge sign, but not that normal either).

Four months is not a very long time to date. You have your son to consider, so if you have even a slight suspicion that this guy might be trouble, then you should cool it off. Cool it off a little and see what happens. He'll either stalk you and scare you, or he'll let you go. Then, you can see. You never really know a guy until you break up with him.

Lisa

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Old 11-28-2007, 12:33 AM
 
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I am quite firm with him and he seems to not react aggressive towards me when I stand up and demand he agree with me.
This statement above sounds like you are talking about a child. He is a grown man and, although, he might not be aggressive or seem to agree with you NOW, it could all change in an instant.

Btw: You should not have to "demand" something from your loved one.

In reading your posts, it almost sounds as though you are trying to "save" and/or change him. You CANNOT change a person.

If you want to "save" someone...save that child of yours from a potentially dangerous situation.

The moment you feel like you might need to look for the signs of a potential abuser is the moment where you should be getting out of there.

The crazy paranoia episode would have been enough for me to high-tail out of that relationship.

Your child does not deserve this drama and potentially harmful situation.
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