DECEMBER dating thread!!! - Page 5 - Mothering Forums

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#121 of 190 Old 12-17-2007, 12:29 AM
 
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To hell with commitment issues!

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#122 of 190 Old 12-17-2007, 10:18 PM
 
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And now I have a dilemma. Today my dear friend tried to give me hightlights and instead my hair is a super blonde / orange/ weirdo mess! HELP! Can I just dye it light brown on top and be done with it? Or will it turn more orange?

that's funny, I've been working on my orangish-red highlights for the last two days, lol. I tried dark blonde and it toned it down but, I'm going to go darker and try a light ash brown tomorrow. I've had this issue many many times as I like to dye my hair black and try to make it blonde a few months later I like Clairol Hydrience, they're the best for getting rid of brassiness. But it might take a few times to get all the brassiness out. Oh, another thing I'm going to try is a honey treatment. If you dilute honey and use it as a deep conditioning treatment (for many hours) the honey releases a natural peroxide and will subtly lighten and reduce brassiness.


my major online crush is supposed to call me tonight!! I'm FREAKING OUT and SO nervous. This'll be our first phone convo...

Send me good vibes, let's hope I don't make an ass of myself.
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#123 of 190 Old 12-17-2007, 10:34 PM
 
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my major online crush is supposed to call me tonight!! I'm FREAKING OUT and SO nervous. This'll be our first phone convo...

Send me good vibes, let's hope I don't make an ass of myself.
:
You'll do fine!
Goodluck!

There is a crack in everything...that's how the light gets in.
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#124 of 190 Old 12-17-2007, 11:13 PM
 
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BelovedK and mz_libbie22: Thanks for your support on the hair thing! I am going Weds to get it rescued by a professional. I'm going with brown. I can afford to keep up my natural hair color.

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my major online crush is supposed to call me tonight!! I'm FREAKING OUT and SO nervous. This'll be our first phone convo...

Send me good vibes, let's hope I don't make an ass of myself.
I am so excited for you! I had this experience just a week or so ago, and it was so fun to finally hear his voice. You must update us. I am sure it will be delightful.
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#125 of 190 Old 12-18-2007, 01:19 AM
 
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Well, it went okay. We chatted, we laughed. I was sick-to-my-stomach nervous the whole time. Not much to report...Oh, he did have a very sexy voice. I kind of already knew that though because he's a singer (with a "real" job too ) and I've listened to his music online. He seems sooooo perfect that it's incredibly intimidating and terrifying. : But, I'm hoping we'll get together for New Years.

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#126 of 190 Old 12-19-2007, 12:28 AM
 
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Hi mamas!
I haven't posted on this thread for awhile because my dating life has been with one guy..pretty steady - four months now and despite all my attempts not to, I really, really like him...he is SO different from the abusive types I've known. He has his rough edges (dysfunctional family of origin, education, some mistakes that he has learned from regarding finances) but he is so sweet to me and accepting of all my fight or flight crap and has a tremendous sense of humor and honor., and basically, the time I spend with him is all good. I can't say that about any other relationship.

The problem? He has a friend - he calls her his best friend. He has known her for three years... she has "helped him out" when he was new in town and knew no one...he does work-related stuff with her, does yardwork and "honey-do" stuff...I think HE has no romantic interest in her. And that's coming from me who freaked out about my ex who did, in my opinion, deliberately "set up" female friendships for no good. And she, for her part, seems to be pursuing various and assorted men other than my BF.

He is with me for the important stuff (holidays, meet the family), he prioritizes our relationship. I haven't said or showed anything about this friendship...she on the other hand confronted him a while ago and accused ME (never having met me) of trying to keep him from being friends with her and apparently wrote long impassioned emails to him about it. This seemed to be the result of him spending more time with me as our relationship progresses, no deliberate thing on either of our parts. He told me this; I didn't react, though I've never done anything to "alter" the friendship and will not willingly enter what is to me stupid drama and attention-seeking.

Here is the problem...I think she is a "professional victim." One of those people whose life is always a mess yet they seem to thrive and depend on the drama and crying victim. Her life is a mess and she consistently makes bad choices. I'm no angel and so have I, but I have always shouldered my own responsibilities; I am very independent, and I think my BF values that, but then again here is this poor little helpless figure.... She cries about the consequences to my BF like he is her therapist. He is always coming to her "rescue." Doing her yardwork. Most recently (and why I'm posting tonight) buying her $50 in groceries because she has been crying about going into bankruptcy. I think she uses my BF. I don't think he is even remotely cheating on me but feels loyal to this "friend" and she uses that to keep him around and doing things for her. I think she is also threatened by me, as a potential loss of her being able to use him, and so she is trying various and assorted ways to keep up the status quo.

Ugh, I really don't believe in platonic male-female friendships anyway, that JMHO, but I can't interfere in an existing friendship that came before me and doesn't take priority over my relationship with BF. I keep hoping it will fade away but no, I keep hearing about this person and her drama-filled, woe-is-me life... any insight?
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#127 of 190 Old 12-19-2007, 12:36 AM
 
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Green & Holland, thanks for your perspectives on introducing the "friend" to ds. I think I was also trying to make too big a deal of it. It turns out that J is the only person available to give ds and I a ride home from the airport when we come back from spending the holidays at my parents', so I think that will be a way for him and ds to meet casually and briefly, and then at least ds will know who he is, and I can then arrange something a little more in-depth. I think I'm more nervous about how I'll feel about the whole thing. I'm teetering on the brink of really falling for this guy, and if he's good with ds, then I'm not sure what will be left to hold me back...
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#128 of 190 Old 12-19-2007, 01:13 AM
 
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macheetah this is my take. I think when there are triangles in relationships like this, it's so easy to focus on the "best friend" or whatever, but basically, this is a relationship issue between you and your bf. Fundamentally she is not the problem (seeing her as the problem is such a temptation, I know I did when I was in your shoes). If he has good boundaries with his friends, and is fully honoring of you and his relationship with you, then he can prevent third parties from coming in and making trouble for you. He can't stop someone like her from being a professional victim, but he can make responsible choices about how he handles himself in his relationship with her, and how close he lets her get, etc. If he does not have good boundaries, then this big triangle develops and she seems to be this big thing raining on the parade of your otherwise perfect relationship. Am I making any sense? THis is about you and him.

That's my take, having lived through something like this, although she was an ex-gf, he played the Mr. Nice Guy, "these women are just fighting over me" guy, "I'm just trying to make everyone happy" guy. And you know what, I now know what good boundaries are like. And they make things like that disappear. Ultimately even though I spent so much time hating her, it was he who let it happen, and he who let me down, not her. She was just being her dysfunctional self, it's he who let that get close to *us*.

Okay that's my two cents. over and out!
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#129 of 190 Old 12-19-2007, 01:55 AM
 
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Ahhh... I've gotten behind in following this thread... sounds like good stuff going on, though!

mzlibbie... that was me tonight!!! I had taken a dating hiatus, and then sort of unexpectedly put myself on this single parent site. A lot of the guys seem strange and I haven't responded to most inquiries... BUT I've been emailing back and forth with this one guy who seems really great and he was calling tonight for the 1st time and I was so nervous. Same here... we chatted for over an hour and I *think* it went well. But I felt nervous the whole time and still do for some reason!

Here's my dilemma. We talked about skiing (which I don't do) and got on the topic of tubing and how fun it sounded. He asked if I wanted to go tubing sometime soon. What a great 1st date! I love the idea. Feels like less pressure, in some way. And fun!!! I could use some grown up fun!!! BUT... (and here's why I don't know if I should even be attempting to date)... I have SUCH mixed feelings about taking the time away from my DS. 1st there's childcare... but even if I solve that issue (have some family, though need to find a sitter to be sure I'm not taking advantage too often)... I hate being away from DS too much. For example, I work all day Saturdays (DS is with my ex). So he asked about Sunday. Technically, there's no reason I couldn't go Sunday. I'm even off of work on Monday, but DS will go with ex Xmas eve through Xmas night most likely (I don't celebrate Xmas) so I feel like I need to have as much time with him before that as possible. Then the following weekend I have a wedding and I'm working... etc etc. I WANT to go, but... I'm really torn. But if I do want to meet someone, I'm going to have to take time away to do these things, right? Down the road I want someone who will enjoy spending time with me AND DS, but I wouldn't introduce DS to a total stranger anyway, so I really need to get to know him 1st, which involves time away...
Am I just not ready?
Do any of you struggle with this?

Ok... I'm going to go catch up on all of your dating lives now!!! Thanks for any words of wisdom!
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#130 of 190 Old 12-19-2007, 02:04 AM
 
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macheetah this is my take. I think when there are triangles in relationships like this, it's so easy to focus on the "best friend" or whatever, but basically, this is a relationship issue between you and your bf. Fundamentally she is not the problem (seeing her as the problem is such a temptation, I know I did when I was in your shoes). If he has good boundaries with his friends, and is fully honoring of you and his relationship with you, then he can prevent third parties from coming in and making trouble for you. He can't stop someone like her from being a professional victim, but he can make responsible choices about how he handles himself in his relationship with her, and how close he lets her get, etc. If he does not have good boundaries, then this big triangle develops and she seems to be this big thing raining on the parade of your otherwise perfect relationship. Am I making any sense? THis is about you and him.
Very beautifully said, Zeta! And...I am in complete agreement with you.

Personally, I do not believe that another person can destroy a relationship. I believe that power lies in the hands of the person IN the relationship.
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#131 of 190 Old 12-19-2007, 02:10 AM
 
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I'm really torn. But if I do want to meet someone, I'm going to have to take time away to do these things, right? Down the road I want someone who will enjoy spending time with me AND DS, but I wouldn't introduce DS to a total stranger anyway, so I really need to get to know him 1st, which involves time away...
Am I just not ready?
Do any of you struggle with this?

Ok... I'm going to go catch up on all of your dating lives now!!! Thanks for any words of wisdom!
I know what you mean, BF is an old friend of mine and he's know DS since he was a newborn so the "stanger" thing was less of an issue for me.

However being in a relationship does mean that I have to carve out pieces of time that are for just me and BF. So DS is spending more time with my family and being babysat.

I think what it comes down to is while our children are the most important things in our lives but we can't make them the totality of our life. I think as they get older that would become unfair to both our children and us.

To be whole healthy people we have to have create some time where we are doing what we want for ourselves.

As for the question of are you ready I'd suggest you go ahead and set aside sometime without DS, and then sit down and think really hard about what you would most like to be doing during that free time.

If going out on a date is what you want to be doing in that chunk of "me time" then more power to you!

If you'd rather eat ice cream straight out of the box and take a bubble bath that's OK too.

There is a crack in everything...that's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen~
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#132 of 190 Old 12-19-2007, 02:22 AM
 
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ok, Im ready to join. You gals sounded like you are having some fun so it can't be so bad.

I made the decision to date and poof, men everywhere. I think it may be because I am close to ovulating and I seem to give off some yummy pheromones : hehe, or I have some kind body language I am not aware of. Maybe my body language is different now that I am willing to try out various relationships. I am not sure I want a long term partner at this point, but a close friendship and a more regular lover would be nice.
I love my independance and freedom.

I am juggling 3 right now. Its crazy. I go from nothing, to having to say 'no' twice in one night because I have already hooked up with 2 other guys- one settled for my number and the other I went home with . That one is not going to work out as a relationship as he is not into having children yet and he lives a little far away, but that is ok. He is fun in a relaxed and goofy way. I had a good time hanging out with him and that was something I really needed.

The guy who has my number would be worth checking out for a LTR if I wasn't me, but I think it would be too easy. He is rather agreeable, a bit too excited to hear I have a child (not in a creepy perverted way). He has his own home, a job, his parents own a business. He is probably a really solid and dependable kind of person, but I don't think we will match well. I am not sure if I should end it now, or get to know him a bit.

The third guy is my current lover . We are too alike in personality to get along long term. We are both single, so every once in awhile he comes over for some company and good times. I guess he doesn't count for dating.

Decluttering 500/2010
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#133 of 190 Old 12-19-2007, 07:16 PM
 
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So, is anyone else experiencing my prediiment? I have been dating this guy for four months now. We got serious really quickly. I really like him, feel as if I am in love with him, but will not let go. After my dreams were shattered with exdh, I just don't believe couples can be happy.

I see the perfect days we have tgether, the good times. I love seeing our children together, they look more alike than even brothers might, so it is easy to picture us a family. We do family things together ALL the time.

I just keep thinking that (in the future, not now) if we lived together, he would hate me for all the reasons dh hated me, and I would hate him for all the reasons I hated dh.

Right now ds has croup, exdh is on retreat, and I am feeling for the truley single mamas here. My house is in shambles, I look like crap, and ds is running wild in between fits of coughing. What would this look like if bf witnessed it? What if he lived here?

I don't know. All I know is that I am going to seriously sabatoge this wonderful relationship unless you all can give me some advice.

I just feel like maybe I am better off alone. But I really, really like him, he is really open and honest and willing to work on anything AND seems to accept me in almost all regards. I do not want to sabatoge it. Is it really possible to have a happy relationship?
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#134 of 190 Old 12-19-2007, 09:32 PM
 
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Stacey, it's been really good practice to keep reminding myself that DBF is NOT DEx and I am NOT the same person I was a decade ago when I met DEx. Whenever I get all freaked about DBF seeing the messy house or telling him something DEx would freak about, I just have to suck it up and say something to him and most of the time he reminds me through his awesome resonses, how much he really isn't my ex. The only way to not sabotage something is to just not sabotage it You just have to keep being open to him, trusting him, not hiding those things you are worried about, etc. It might ultimately not work out, but wouldn't you rather it not work out because there's something better out there for each of you or because it was an awesome thing that you messed up because you didn't trust it?

Robin~ single, work-at-home momma to my WonderBoys
YoungMan (6/00) & LittleBoy (6/04)
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#135 of 190 Old 12-20-2007, 12:16 AM
 
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Spring Sun when I read your post what I hear is such pain from the past and such vulnerability. It's so hard to trust ourselves to be lovable and capable of loving after a marriage goes so wrong. Sweetie, I feel your pain. I share your fears. It sounds like your man is standing by you as you slowly open up that big heart of yours. Take your time. But know that you are capable. Healing is possible. Hang in there.
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#136 of 190 Old 12-20-2007, 12:27 PM
 
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[QUOTE=Spring Sun;10055824]

I don't know. All I know is that I am going to seriously sabatoge this wonderful relationship unless you all can give me some advice.

QUOTE]


Try to take it one day at a time and don't stress about the future. Your BF is not your ex. You are not the same person today that you were yesterday.
Just be true to yourself and your boyfriend will love you for you. Better he sees and accepts you on your roughest days now, then be shocked by them later I can not see anyone having an issue with your sick child and messy house though. It happens, no biggie.

Decluttering 500/2010
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#137 of 190 Old 12-21-2007, 12:24 AM
 
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Ack! I got behind on the thread. I'll have to catch up soon for sure.

But for now, an update.
My new "date" and I were going to go out on Friday but the mother of his child was in desperate need for a weekend off and so he's going to watch his little girl instead.
I'd say I'm upset but I'm really not. A guy who will cancel a date for his daughter...DEFINITELY deserves my time. Makes me wonder why the father of MY child won't give me any time off. :
Plus he said, "I'll be sure to make it up to you."


So, I'm going out anyways tomorrow...got the baby-sitter...might as well, right? Even if there won't be a guy there to talk to, maybe I can catch up with the girlfriends.

Single Mommy to DS born Halloween 2007.
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#138 of 190 Old 12-21-2007, 09:16 AM
 
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A few nights ago I told my ex that I was interested in someone, and that he was going to come for a visit in a month or so, and it went suprisingly well. The guy in question is an old friend of ours so I was expecting a bad reaction, but the ex really surprised me and said that he likes him and that if I had to pick someone he doesn't mind that it's him. (I know I don't need his approval, but it helps that he's not being antagonistic)
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#139 of 190 Old 12-21-2007, 09:24 AM
 
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I'd say I'm upset but I'm really not. A guy who will cancel a date for his daughter...DEFINITELY deserves my time.
This is exactly what convinced me that maybe BF was worth ending many years of celibacy/no dating for.

We'd been talking for weeks and finally made plans to hang out then he called me to cancel because he unexpectedly got an extra weekend with his DS.

Sounds like you might have a keeper

There is a crack in everything...that's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen~
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#140 of 190 Old 12-21-2007, 06:53 PM
 
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second date tonight. so excited!
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#141 of 190 Old 12-22-2007, 10:23 AM
 
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Oh ladies, I am so smitten with this guy. We had a great date, fancy dinner, long walk, much kissing. I am going to miss him until next week.
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#142 of 190 Old 12-22-2007, 01:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh ladies, I am so smitten with this guy. We had a great date, fancy dinner, long walk, much kissing. I am going to miss him until next week.

                                Whatever will be, already is...
 
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#143 of 190 Old 12-22-2007, 02:27 PM
 
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Oh ladies, I am so smitten with this guy. We had a great date, fancy dinner, long walk, much kissing. I am going to miss him until next week.
That rocks!

There is a crack in everything...that's how the light gets in.
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#144 of 190 Old 12-22-2007, 04:48 PM
 
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still really enjoying myself with d. it's been 2.5 months. we talk a couple times a day, he usually is over here 5 days a week. enjoying the benefits of couplehood immensely.
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#145 of 190 Old 12-23-2007, 07:19 PM
 
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Thanks BelovedK and Medusa. It's so wonderful to be able to share the ups and downs in this community. I feel so supported...





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still really enjoying myself with d. it's been 2.5 months. we talk a couple times a day, he usually is over here 5 days a week. enjoying the benefits of couplehood immensely.
Still Snarky, I saw some of the photos up on your blog and you are your bf are SOOO cute together! oh my goodness. I am so happy for you.

(...And I am so looking forward to enjoying those same benefits someday! )



I want to wish all the dating and would-be dating mamas on this thread a wonderful holiday. I keep reminding myself that regardless of whether there is a man in my life, I have learend so much in the last year about being good to myself and loving myself. Here's to us being enough, just as we are!
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#146 of 190 Old 12-24-2007, 02:57 AM
 
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Hi again.
Medusa: Thank you for your reply last week about my wondering if I want to find the time to date and be away from DS. Good advice.

So... I have arranged to meet this person tomorrow night (yes, I realize that's Christmas Eve! I am Jewish and he does not have his kids or other plans until Christmas day). It's perfect in terms of DS, because he will be with his father. If we end up wanting to see each other more... I'll figure it out as I go, right?

We have talked on the phone twice for over an hour each time. He's easy to talk to. He's really interesting. I actually have the fear that I am going to sound unintelligent to him! I really need to get better about following current events! But we talked about parenting tonight. He has 50% custody of his 2 kids. I mentioned attachment parenting. He didn't know that term but said how he and his ex believed in co-sleeping, bfing, non-CIO (we had a good conversation about that one and creating secure attachments)... !!! Wow. That's the 1st person I've met (other than on this board) with similar parenting ideas to mine!

Anyway... we're meeting for Japanese food. Yum. I'm finding myself VERY nervous. And excited. And wishing I'd gotten my hair cut sometime in the last 10 months...

Here's my main question: WHAT DO I WEAR??? I feel like I have no clothes. Nothing that excites me. Are nice jeans ok for a 1st date? (My online profile, where I met him, does say that I'm a casual person). Jeans and a sweater? I don't have any other pants that make me feel good right now. In the summer I went on a few dates and always did the flow-y skirt thing with sandals and that felt perfect. But I don't even have a good winter skirt outfit. I hate stockings. And it's COLD here! I do have a fun new pair of cordoruys... but they don't feel 1st datish for some reason. Please advise!!!!

Also... any dos or don'ts??? Any conversation ideas? Although I guess we haven't had trouble with that on the phone.

Oh... crying baby.
Thank you.
Robin
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#147 of 190 Old 12-24-2007, 03:46 AM
 
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Hi again.
Medusa: Thank you for your reply last week about my wondering if I want to find the time to date and be away from DS. Good advice.

So... I have arranged to meet this person tomorrow night (yes, I realize that's Christmas Eve! I am Jewish and he does not have his kids or other plans until Christmas day). It's perfect in terms of DS, because he will be with his father. If we end up wanting to see each other more... I'll figure it out as I go, right?

We have talked on the phone twice for over an hour each time. He's easy to talk to. He's really interesting. I actually have the fear that I am going to sound unintelligent to him! I really need to get better about following current events! But we talked about parenting tonight. He has 50% custody of his 2 kids. I mentioned attachment parenting. He didn't know that term but said how he and his ex believed in co-sleeping, bfing, non-CIO (we had a good conversation about that one and creating secure attachments)... !!! Wow. That's the 1st person I've met (other than on this board) with similar parenting ideas to mine!

Anyway... we're meeting for Japanese food. Yum. I'm finding myself VERY nervous. And excited. And wishing I'd gotten my hair cut sometime in the last 10 months...

Here's my main question: WHAT DO I WEAR??? I feel like I have no clothes. Nothing that excites me. Are nice jeans ok for a 1st date? (My online profile, where I met him, does say that I'm a casual person). Jeans and a sweater? I don't have any other pants that make me feel good right now. In the summer I went on a few dates and always did the flow-y skirt thing with sandals and that felt perfect. But I don't even have a good winter skirt outfit. I hate stockings. And it's COLD here! I do have a fun new pair of cordoruys... but they don't feel 1st datish for some reason. Please advise!!!!

Also... any dos or don'ts??? Any conversation ideas? Although I guess we haven't had trouble with that on the phone.

Oh... crying baby.
Thank you.
Robin
Okay, def wear your nice jeans, and NOT a sweater. Unless it is a sexy sweater. If you feel nervous just ask about him, his job, his life, family, and build from there. Try to see what you have in common with him and then keep talking. Oh, and have a drink to make you less nervous. I have not been on a lot of first dates, but my last one was four months ago and was perfect. Of course, I fell in love with him that night, and had the most incredible kiss, and smiled the whole way home. And was still smiling for at least two weeks straight. And actually, I think I am still smiling. I hope you have that kind of first date. Good luck!
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#148 of 190 Old 12-24-2007, 04:00 AM
 
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Originally Posted by rubelin View Post
Stacey, it's been really good practice to keep reminding myself that DBF is NOT DEx and I am NOT the same person I was a decade ago when I met DEx. Whenever I get all freaked about DBF seeing the messy house or telling him something DEx would freak about, I just have to suck it up and say something to him and most of the time he reminds me through his awesome resonses, how much he really isn't my ex. The only way to not sabotage something is to just not sabotage it You just have to keep being open to him, trusting him, not hiding those things you are worried about, etc. It might ultimately not work out, but wouldn't you rather it not work out because there's something better out there for each of you or because it was an awesome thing that you messed up because you didn't trust it?
Thank you all for responding. Just what I needed to hear. We spent the weekend doing family things. Really, his parents took us all into the mountains on a sleigh ride, then we had his family's annual Fondu Christmas dinner. His mother straight out adopted my son. Played with him non stop and told me how much she loved him every other moment. It was wonderful.

I noticed every so often I would remind him "this *insert reason here* is why we could never live together." I didn't notice I was doing it until later. Talk about creating your own reality. That is sabatoge.

So, we had another perfect weekend. And we stayed at his house. And I am still trying to figure out why it won't work. For example, I actually examine him to find reasons why I should not be with him.

Man, I am lucky he is sticking this out with me.

I am going to apply more awareness to what I am doing, and tell him flat out why I am doing what I am doing and let him know that I am working on it.

I am totally in love with him, but just can't let it go. Time. I just need some time.

There are a ton of pics on my blog of the kids together if anyone wants to see them. My son is the younger one. Scroll down to the sledding pics and tell me I should not be happy to have this.
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#149 of 190 Old 12-24-2007, 08:58 AM
 
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Spring Sun - Hubba hubba! He looks like an incredibly nice guy.
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#150 of 190 Old 12-24-2007, 09:19 PM
 
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Robin, good for you! I hope the date went great.

There is a crack in everything...that's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen~
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