DECEMBER dating thread!!! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 190 Old 12-01-2007, 08:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi everyone

This is the thread to discuss all things 'dating' I'm eager to hear updates.

For me, I have rejoined match.com and am talking to a great guy who has alot in common with me. I am not holding out much hope for anything magically special and I don't expect to be 'twitterpated' If it happens I will be nicely surprised

Dating is of low priority to me after my disaster of the last two months. I actually still talk to the old object of my affection, but not as often. I feel like I have a healthy outlook on things.

what about you???

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#2 of 190 Old 12-01-2007, 11:30 PM
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So...I feel mentally and emotionally ready to date but just don't know how to meet the men!!! I lived overseas for most of my twenties and met and married someone from a culture very different from my own - point being that I haven't dated an 'american man' in over 10 years - and I'm not sure how to go about doing it! I've tried online - eHarmony and match.com but have not been impressed with the results. My baby is with me everywhere I go - which is probably not the 'I'm available' signal men are looking for Any advice/tips/encouraging stories would be welcomed! :
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#3 of 190 Old 12-01-2007, 11:49 PM
 
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Hi, I haven't posted on the dating thread in, well years.

I pretty well gave up the idea of dating when my son was born (7 YEARS ago)

After coming to a place where I pretty much thought I would never date again, things well changed

I was walking down the street and I guy I was really good friends with and dated about 10 years ago came running out of a building yelling my name.

We've been dating for 4 months now. He's a single dad with a DS just a bit younger than mine. The kids have met and adore one another. BF is AMAZING with my son.

Everything seems...well, Peachy!

I'm kinda in shock that I'm actually in a relationship. I have a lot of fears. First an foremost is that my DS has never had a father figure in his life and I'm worried about him becoming attached to BF. I'm afraid of being committed to this relationship and possibly getting my heart broken. I'm afraid of becoming attached to HIS DS...and so many other nameless swirling fears...

BUT, I'm happy. I'm thrilled to have this guy back in my life. He's the one that when I was younger made me think "crap! this guy is perfect for me! I better skip town!" (see the commitment issues have been around for a while)

I'm working with my issues though. I'm taking a chance to really live, and to go beyond my fears and defenses.

There is a crack in everything...that's how the light gets in.
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#4 of 190 Old 12-02-2007, 12:19 AM - Thread Starter
 
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That's great Medusa Thank you for posting more positive stuff, I, for one, need to keep my mind on good outcomes.

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#5 of 190 Old 12-02-2007, 12:26 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by lld View Post
So...I feel mentally and emotionally ready to date but just don't know how to meet the men!!! I lived overseas for most of my twenties and met and married someone from a culture very different from my own - point being that I haven't dated an 'american man' in over 10 years - and I'm not sure how to go about doing it! I've tried online - eHarmony and match.com but have not been impressed with the results. My baby is with me everywhere I go - which is probably not the 'I'm available' signal men are looking for Any advice/tips/encouraging stories would be welcomed! :
Leslie, see medusa's post things happen when you least expect it.

I rejoined match and have been inactive, just waiting, sifting through the emails I receive and every now and then I am startled by the quality of man that I connect with. So far, no mutual 'love' matches, but I have made some lasting friendships and one of them actually introduced me to the guy from last month (who is a good guy, just not emotionally available)

so, my advice there is , just keep your line in, check to see who is contacting you, and don't meet them unless you get a good feeling in your gut. That's how I am playing it, and though I am nt attached to the idea of being in a relationship, I would like it (hence me hanging out in a dating thread

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#6 of 190 Old 12-02-2007, 06:18 AM
 
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guess who's off the market? *psst! pick me! pick me!*

we had "the talk" yesterday. i'm swooning!
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#7 of 190 Old 12-02-2007, 09:10 AM - Thread Starter
 
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guess who's off the market? *psst! pick me! pick me!*

we had "the talk" yesterday. i'm swooning!
Oh, I'm so happy for you I LOVE that feeling, Enjoy it

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#8 of 190 Old 12-02-2007, 01:19 PM
 
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I've met someone who is the first man that i have had a connection with since i left my ex. He asked me on a playdate with his kiddo and mine but i haven't taken him up on it yet. We have had some good talks when we run into each other and there is defintely something there. I'm ready to at least slowly start a friendship and see where it goes. I am not willing to settle for anything less then what i and my kids deserve. I wasted nine years in a really bad relationship and now that i have another chance i am going to be really careful. I am totally up for seeing where this goes though because he seems like an amazing person.

I have found that there are quite a few single dads at my kiddo's schools. I always walk my kids in and hang out for a few minutes and i meet other parents. I think it is a great way to find involved single dads!
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#9 of 190 Old 12-02-2007, 04:41 PM
 
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guess who's off the market? *psst! pick me! pick me!*

we had "the talk" yesterday. i'm swooning!
What is the "talk"? Tell!
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#10 of 190 Old 12-02-2007, 04:45 PM
 
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I have found that there are quite a few single dads at my kiddo's schools. I always walk my kids in and hang out for a few minutes and i meet other parents. I think it is a great way to find involved single dads!
Yep, since I have been single I have been semi-serious with a guy with no kids, and one with a child. I really like being with the guy I am with now for a million reasons, but it is so nice that we can relate on the one thing that is the biggest parts of each of our lives. It makes it a little challenging though to spend time together, but in the end, I love seeing the he is already a great father and doesn't care when Elijah is screaming his head off. I don't ever have to feel bad about being a mom first. He totally gets it because he is a dad first.

Btw, how weird is this? His son's mother googled my name "xxx" since she knew that was my name and my business, and the threads from this forum come up! How freaking awful is that? Should I stop posting? It seems like anyone could just be reading what I am writing...
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#11 of 190 Old 12-02-2007, 05:08 PM
 
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Yikes, well i guess that is the problem with public boards and google! I actually had to change my username here during my "situation". He kept coming here and finding out my plans so i changed it.Now i don't care what he reads.Some mama's have had their posts here subopened for divorce cases.
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#12 of 190 Old 12-02-2007, 08:23 PM
 
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Okay I know this is totally ridiculous, this being a *dating* thread, but I am feeling disappointed that the guy from pof that I liked by email hasn't emailed me in two days. I think this is an indication that I may not be ready yet. I mean, really. I keep checking email. I know that is totally lame and pathetic. Sigh.

Where's the thread for Wishing I Were Dating But I Am Instead Home With My Kids Avoiding Housework?
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#13 of 190 Old 12-02-2007, 08:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Where's the thread for Wishing I Were Dating But I Am Instead Home With My Kids Avoiding Housework?
You are there We are not all in dating bliss, it is a journey. I am avoiding housework too.

I have a date with a guy I met on match.com next wed. I am not feeling very hopeful or excited. I am ready for a healthy relationship, but hate the process of 'interviewing' and seeking them out. LOVE the initial drunken feelings of being in love, but I already know this man is not the match. I am asking myself why I am going, all I can say is that I told myself that I would at least give the benefit of the doubt, I never know when I will actually 'click' with someone.

I'm sure I will update. I just hope it is not unpleasant.

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#14 of 190 Old 12-02-2007, 08:43 PM
 
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What is the "talk"? Tell!
well, if you insist! we were hanging out at my favorite local watering hole, and he jokingly held up his beer and declared, "*insert beer brand* is my girlfriend." to which i replied, "what am i? chopped liver?" he said, "no, you're my other girlfriend." i was a little shocked (albeit, pleasantly shocked), so i thought i'd give him a hard time and said, "wait a minute! i don't remember agreeing to be your girlfriend." he pretended to be offended so i said, "well i guess i will be if you want me to." he did!

and belovedk, you're absolutely right about the early stages of the relationship: it is a feeling that can sometimes take my breath away.
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#15 of 190 Old 12-03-2007, 01:01 AM
 
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Okay I know this is totally ridiculous, this being a *dating* thread, but I am feeling disappointed that the guy from pof that I liked by email hasn't emailed me in two days. I think this is an indication that I may not be ready yet. I mean, really. I keep checking email. I know that is totally lame and pathetic. Sigh.

Where's the thread for Wishing I Were Dating But I Am Instead Home With My Kids Avoiding Housework?
I'll jump on that thread with you!!! That's me to a T!!! You should see the piles of laundry and stuff around here. :

Yeah... I have a tendency to do that email obsessive checking thing too. I think part of it really is that it's just something DIFFERENT, you know? A break in the routine... potential for all the things we wish for in life... I don't necessarily think it's always that we're SO into the guy, you know? I've obsessively checked even when I've already figured out I'm not that into the guy! But I do also know that feeling when you're starting to feel potential and you don't hear back... Hang in there! The ups and downs and obsessive checking do get less once you get used to the whole thing.

I'm trying to decide whether to try the online thing again.

I'm sort of feeling like I'm more likely to meet the right sort of guy for me in a less intentional way... but waiting is hard! It's not like I meet so many people in my life these days!

And then there's that biological clock...

sigh...

Yikes on the Google thing... I'm going to go Google myself and see what comes up...

lld: I've tried Match and Eharmony as well and not been so thrilled. Granted I didn't try either for very long...

Avani... not sure if you've seen your crush lately... but I was thinking the other day (and just didn't have a chance to post)... you're friends at the very least (or on your way to friends... he asked for a playdate, he wants SOMETHING). I'd just ask him what's up with his DC's mother... in a friendly way. In a way that you wouldn't mind him asking you, you know?

Oh... crying baby...
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#16 of 190 Old 12-03-2007, 01:56 AM
 
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I have a date with a guy I met on match.com next wed. I am not feeling very hopeful or excited. I am ready for a healthy relationship, but hate the process of 'interviewing' and seeking them out. LOVE the initial drunken feelings of being in love, but I already know this man is not the match. I am asking myself why I am going, all I can say is that I told myself that I would at least give the benefit of the doubt, I never know when I will actually 'click' with someone.

I'm sure I will update. I just hope it is not unpleasant.
I feel this way a lot. I make plans with someone I know isn't a match, I ask myself, "Why am I doing this?" I dread the date, it's a drain on my energy and I do it all over again! Why? I tell myself you never know, give him a change, it will be a good learning experience.... I get burned out.

I tend to make men feel comfortable by being too nice, filling in the gaps of the conversation, finding them interesting, agreeing with them, making them feel good, laughing at their jokes. So I get myself into situations where I don't want a second date, yet I made them think I would. So it's draining. I need to work on not being too nice, not giving the wrong impression and saying thanks but no thanks.

I only get a babysitter twice a week. And I have so many fun projects I want to do but never have time to. So I've decided that my time is too valuable for what feels like blind dates. I'm gonna ask for more recent pictures and get to know him more online, first. So that if there are deal breakers, I haven't given up my me time.
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#17 of 190 Old 12-03-2007, 02:09 AM
 
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Subbing. Things with JD are going nicely--we're also officially a couple.

Kelly, mama (12yoDS), doula, RN, and writer.
There's no where you can be that isn't where you were meant to be, its easy
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#18 of 190 Old 12-03-2007, 03:08 PM
 
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I tend to make men feel comfortable by being too nice, filling in the gaps of the conversation, finding them interesting, agreeing with them, making them feel good, laughing at their jokes. So I get myself into situations where I don't want a second date, yet I made them think I would. So it's draining. I need to work on not being too nice, not giving the wrong impression and saying thanks but no thanks.
:
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#19 of 190 Old 12-03-2007, 03:28 PM
 
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I'm sneaking in here, but am not going to say much yet.

I'm seeing someone long distance, a guy that I've known for almost 10 years and who was a dear friend to me when we used to live up in DC. Problem is, I have no idea how to tell the ex, because he's going to freak out (they know each other). I'm going to wait until after the holidays and then just let the chips fall where they may.

My divorce is final, so why am I so nervous about the ex's reaction?
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#20 of 190 Old 12-03-2007, 05:27 PM
 
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Well i ran into him this morning and set up a "playdate" with him,his son and me and my 2 youngest kiddo's. He asked for my number and we are getting together on Wed.We shall see...
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#21 of 190 Old 12-03-2007, 05:32 PM
 
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Well i ran into him this morning and set up a "playdate" with him,his son and me and my 2 youngest kiddo's. He asked for my number and we are getting together on Wed.We shall see...
oh snap! avani's getting her groove back!
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#22 of 190 Old 12-03-2007, 05:43 PM
 
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#23 of 190 Old 12-03-2007, 10:30 PM
 
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Okay I know this is totally ridiculous, this being a *dating* thread, but I am feeling disappointed that the guy from pof that I liked by email hasn't emailed me in two days. I think this is an indication that I may not be ready yet. I mean, really. I keep checking email. I know that is totally lame and pathetic. Sigh.

Where's the thread for Wishing I Were Dating But I Am Instead Home With My Kids Avoiding Housework?

I hate it when guys take forever to write back, but they do usually come around, after you've given up on the possibility of ever hearing from them again. : I've been checking obsessively today, I don't take it as a sign of not being ready, I see it as a sign that I'm way past ready.
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#24 of 190 Old 12-04-2007, 02:08 AM
 
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I hate it when guys take forever to write back, but they do usually come around, after you've given up on the possibility of ever hearing from them again. : I've been checking obsessively today, I don't take it as a sign of not being ready, I see it as a sign that I'm way past ready.
Thanks for the peptalk!

Well I can report that the joke was on me. My email had bounced, as I found out this morning. No doubt he thought I was blowing HIM off. So we'll see what develops.

What makes me think I'm not ready is how easily I let a man rent space in my head for free. That's not a good pattern for me, and I also tend to fall for guys who are not available.
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#25 of 190 Old 12-04-2007, 02:27 AM
 
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Thanks for the peptalk!

Well I can report that the joke was on me. My email had bounced, as I found out this morning. No doubt he thought I was blowing HIM off. So we'll see what develops.

What makes me think I'm not ready is how easily I let a man rent space in my head for free. That's not a good pattern for me, and I also tend to fall for guys who are not available.
This is something I've had to work through too. What I came to realize was that the guy as an individual wasn't as important as the place he held in my head as "other". So any individual was really acting as a place holder for the idea of "male" or the animus of Jungian theory.

When I got to a place where I was able to recognize the qualities of the Animus as existing within and was able to embrace that rather than looking for it in the outer world I was able to look at men on a more balanced level.
I spent A LOT of time examining who I am verses what I was seeking and it seems that the more I am able to find within myself the more I am able to allow others to be in my life without taking up so much space or energy in my mind.

...um, hopefully that didn't come across as a bunch of nonsensical psychobabble.

There is a crack in everything...that's how the light gets in.
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#26 of 190 Old 12-04-2007, 09:38 AM - Thread Starter
 
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OMG. The most attractive and compelling man just contacted me through match.com...I wrote him back, he is a single dad who seems really attached to his DD. I really hope I get to meet him

I am meeting another compelling man this Wed for coffee.

hmmmm

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#27 of 190 Old 12-04-2007, 09:46 AM
 
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OMG. The most attractive and compelling man just contacted me through match.com...I wrote him back, he is a single dad who seems really attached to his DD. I really hope I get to meet him

I am meeting another compelling man this Wed for coffee.

hmmmm
MMMM is right! Please report back.
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#28 of 190 Old 12-04-2007, 09:50 AM
 
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This is something I've had to work through too. What I came to realize was that the guy as an individual wasn't as important as the place he held in my head as "other". So any individual was really acting as a place holder for the idea of "male" or the animus of Jungian theory.

When I got to a place where I was able to recognize the qualities of the Animus as existing within and was able to embrace that rather than looking for it in the outer world I was able to look at men on a more balanced level.
I spent A LOT of time examining who I am verses what I was seeking and it seems that the more I am able to find within myself the more I am able to allow others to be in my life without taking up so much space or energy in my mind.

...um, hopefully that didn't come across as a bunch of nonsensical psychobabble.
I think I really get what you are talking about. It is very important for me to understand this because I am committed to keeping my center --or at least regaining it-- no matter what life throws me. I am at the center of my life, and I do not want to yield that spot so easily to people, places, or things. Cute guys, however, are my downfall.

This is something I posted on another thread. Can you tell me if I am on the right track with the process you followed?


Quote:
As for what I plan to do before dating, is like others have said, seriously healing the stuff from way back that led me to make the choice I did. Otherwise I will make another unhealthy choice, no matter how great and different the guy seems at first. I think that we attract and are attracted to people of the same emotional/spiritual healthiness. There's a fit at that unconscious level. So I feel extremely motivated to become healthier myself so I can fit with someone healthy.

I have heard the expression, "Become what you want to attract." If I want someone who takes care of himself in postive ways, I need to do that for myself. If I want someone with a healthy and whole sense of self, not looking for other people or addictions to make him feel worthy and good, I need to do that for myself.

Maybe a correlary to that is, "Be the partner to yourself that you want to find." If I want my partner to make me feel loved and special, I need to give that gift to myself. If I want my partner to make life adventurous and fun, I need to go out and make my life adventurous and fun.

I could shift parts of the OP's plan to fit into that vision, as well. If I want to have a life with a partner that includes basic tidiness and sit-down meals, then I need to institute those things for myself. But not as some form of auditioning for the part of girlfriend. That would feed into my old stuff of wanting to measure up, be good enough, in someone else's eyes. That has brought me the wrong kind of relationships.

When I worry about starting another relationship with a man who appears perfect but turns out to have all kinds of unhealthy problems (lying, cheating, lots of ick), I remind myself that I do have some control over the kind of person I attract and am attracted to, by healing myself, learning to love myself, and bringing into my life the qualities that I imagine a partner bringing.
Is there anything you -- or anyone here-- would clarify or add to this strategy, based on your experience? I am all ears!
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#29 of 190 Old 12-04-2007, 12:50 PM
 
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Maybe a correlary to that is, "Be the partner to yourself that you want to find." If I want my partner to make me feel loved and special, I need to give that gift to myself. If I want my partner to make life adventurous and fun, I need to go out and make my life adventurous and fun.

I could shift parts of the OP's plan to fit into that vision, as well. If I want to have a life with a partner that includes basic tidiness and sit-down meals, then I need to institute those things for myself. But not as some form of auditioning for the part of girlfriend. That would feed into my old stuff of wanting to measure up, be good enough, in someone else's eyes. That has brought me the wrong kind of relationships.

When I worry about starting another relationship with a man who appears perfect but turns out to have all kinds of unhealthy problems (lying, cheating, lots of ick), I remind myself that I do have some control over the kind of person I attract and am attracted to, by healing myself, learning to love myself, and bringing into my life the qualities that I imagine a partner bringing.
Yeah! That's a lot of it in a nutshell.

The only thing I would add is that for me it was important to look into the subtle gender assumptions that were embedded in what I expected a man to bring into my life and to really break those down.

By doing so it really let me expand my view of who I am, and now that I'm in a relationship it gives me a freedom to accept and embrace my partner as a more full and genuine human being. KWIM?

I'd also say that more of the focus of looking at who I truly am now and coming to love that person in entirety has been way more helpful, instead of setting up a list of "who I need to become".

For a longtime I had the "list" in my head of who I needed to become before I could allow myself self-love and acceptance. The person I am RIGHT NOW with all my flaws and short coming NEEDS that love and self acceptance in order to grow and blossom.

There is a crack in everything...that's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen~
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#30 of 190 Old 12-04-2007, 01:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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OMG OMG, I just got another email from the 'match' guy, he sounds so much like he would be compatible with me, he is also AP friendly

                                Whatever will be, already is...
 
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