Newly single: when did you stop wearing your wedding ring? - Mothering Forums
Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 35 Old 12-16-2007, 10:07 AM - Thread Starter
 
ShareBear's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 321
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
On Thursday I found out that my husband was guilty of what I'll call "infidelity with aggravating circumstances," so, with the support of my church, family, and friends, I kicked him out. Now I'm trying to adjust to this new reality which is life on my own as a single mama with two young children.

I keep looking at this ring on my finger and wondering what I should do with it. I know that it's a symbol of a commitment and relationship that is now over, but I'm still technically married and will be till the divorce goes through in a couple of months, so part of me thinks I should keep it on till then....I know this is probably a matter of "do what feels right," but I'm not sure how I feel about it right now.

SOOOOO.....just out of curiosity I guess, for those of you who are divorced, when did you stop wearing your ring, and what was your thought process at that time?
ShareBear is offline  
#2 of 35 Old 12-16-2007, 10:11 AM
 
VWChick's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: amongst the gnomes, fairies, & VW's
Posts: 363
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I stopped wearing mine after a few months. A very close friend (actually someone that I had dated in the past and remained friends with) mentioned it to me and asked why I was still wearing it. It sort of hit me like a ton of bricks that it was indeed over with and that I no longer needed or wanted a symbol of something that was such a mistake (in my case the whole marriage was a pretty big mistake). So, I took it off and threw it in the center console of the car. It's still in there and I think that this week I might take it and sell it. I won't get much for it, but since I no longer want it, maybe I can at least buy something for the kids with the money.
VWChick is offline  
#3 of 35 Old 12-16-2007, 10:19 AM
 
zeta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 629
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I stopped wearing it the day I heard the word "prostitutes."
zeta is offline  
#4 of 35 Old 12-16-2007, 10:27 AM
 
whateverdidiwants's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Exiled in Bi-ville
Posts: 3,056
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I stopped wearing mine right after I told him that it was over.
whateverdidiwants is offline  
#5 of 35 Old 12-16-2007, 10:31 AM - Thread Starter
 
ShareBear's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 321
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hmmm, I think I'm going to take it off for half an hour and see how I feel without it. I haven't been without it in 4 1/2 years, so I think I will feel kind of naked. Keep the stories coming ladies, I would love to hear more.
ShareBear is offline  
#6 of 35 Old 12-16-2007, 11:06 AM
 
wasabi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: LA
Posts: 2,355
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I stopped wearing mine about two weeks after I left. I asked my mom when she stopped wearing hers and she said when she thought the marriage was beyond saving. I was pretty shocked to discover that according to her this was about two years before she divorced which would mean before I was conceived I think so that may be some history being rewritten which my mom is queen at. But so I went and got it cut off my finger. I kept wearing it if I was going to be around the ILs but otherwise I didn't wear it. I stopped completely after a disasterous attempt at counseling with stbx. And yes it did feel odd not to wear it after 7 years. I was constantly going to rub it with my thumb and not finding it there. But it doesn't take long to get used to it.
wasabi is offline  
#7 of 35 Old 12-16-2007, 11:35 AM
 
ProtoLawyer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,014
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
He took his off the day we said "okay, yeah, this isn't working, let's cut our losses." (We had no kids together.)

I took mine off when we filed (a few weeks later).

ProtoLawyer (the now-actual lawyer, this isn't legal advice,  please don't take legal advice from some anonymous yahoo on the Internet)
Spouse (the political geek) * Stepdaughter (the artist) * and introducing...the Baby (um, he's a baby? He likes shiny things).
ProtoLawyer is offline  
#8 of 35 Old 12-16-2007, 01:35 PM
 
Holland73's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Urban Jungle on the Bay
Posts: 2,755
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
I removed mine when I found out that he was seeing another woman and had taken off his ring.
Holland73 is offline  
#9 of 35 Old 12-16-2007, 02:04 PM
 
nolonger's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,819
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I took mine off pretty much as soon as I knew it was over.

He kept wearing his for YEARS, which really pissed me off, and then finally pawned it when he needed money for rent or crack or something. I paid for both wedding rings and my engagement ring. I kept my own rings (along with an anniversary ring he bought me which I could no longer wear) in a safe deposit box and gave the star sapphire and amethyst to dd for her 16th bithday. I'm pretty sure she lost them, but that's okay because she enjoyed wearing them and they really weren't worth more than $200 apeice. The wire thin wedding band isn't worth much money, but it will be ds's to sell or barter when he is 18.

I paid $500 for the men's wedding band and am still a bit miffed that the children didn't get the ring or proceeds from its sale.

If your hand still feels weird and uncomfortable without the wedding band, maybe you could buy another ring (it doesn't have to be expensive) to celebrate yourself or yourself as a mama? My mother did this, many years after the fact, and now we wear matching claddagh rings that are every bit as meaningful to me as any wedding ring could be.

My children get theirs when I can afford them, and in the littlest one's case, whenever in his/her late teens that I feel s/he is responsible enough.
nolonger is offline  
#10 of 35 Old 12-16-2007, 03:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
ShareBear's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 321
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I never did have an engagement ring, just an inexpensive white gold wedding band, but I really liked that ring. I took it off a few hours ago, and I've come to realize that I miss it not because of the relationship it symbolized, but because what it said about ME...it said "I'm married; I'm a committed and faithful wife." I was proud of my role as a wife and mom, and the ring symbolized that for me.

The ex lost two wedding rings within the first few months of being married, and never replaced it after that. So he hasn't worn one for years.

Another thing I liked about the ring was this: it was at least semi-effective at keeping random annoying guys from hitting on me. I almost feel like taking it off says "I'm available," which I'm not and won't be any time soon.
ShareBear is offline  
#11 of 35 Old 12-16-2007, 05:44 PM
 
Iris' Mom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 2,479
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I had one of those marriages that was dead long before I pulled the trigger. I lived in Manhatten in 2002, and I don't know if any of you remember the huge blackout that affected a lot of the Northeast/Midwest? I had to walk almost halfway home. It took hours and I was really out of shape. My hands and feet swelled so much I thought I was going to have to have an amputation. It was scary. My ring was digging into my finger, and it was killing me. It took forever to get it off, but I finally did. I never once put it on again, even though I didn't get him out until this March. He kept wearing his, even though he cheated on me at least twice that I know of.
Iris' Mom is offline  
#12 of 35 Old 12-16-2007, 09:11 PM
 
Bad Mama Jama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Locale so Secret that I Don't Know
Posts: 4,977
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
i took mine off right before i got divorced and then i had another beautiful ring made from it, which i wear to this day on my right hand.

Former dreads.gifwearing, treehugger.gifing, pole dancing, read.gifpushing, ribbonpurple.gifsurvivor & single mama extraordinaire to energy.gif.  

Now that's a mouthful!!! computergeek2.gif & follow it!   

 

Bad Mama Jama is offline  
#13 of 35 Old 12-17-2007, 02:40 AM
 
wasabi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: LA
Posts: 2,355
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by noordinaryspider View Post
He kept wearing his for YEARS, which really pissed me off, and then finally pawned it
Same here. Well not years but quite a while and it bugged me because it felt like it wasn't true and would be confusing to the kids. After the hearing that gave me sole custody he got his ring cut off his finger and sold it on the spot.
wasabi is offline  
#14 of 35 Old 12-17-2007, 03:13 AM
 
3rosebuds's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 283
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
A few days after I asked him for a divorce.

Stbx's & my wedding rings were originally his mom's and dad's (his dad passed away & his mom is remarried). So I knew that she would want it back & I had no issue with that.

full-time student and single mommy to 3 fabulous little guys!
3rosebuds is offline  
#15 of 35 Old 12-17-2007, 10:15 AM - Thread Starter
 
ShareBear's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 321
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Well I took the ring off yesterday as an experiment and I guess it is off to stay. The funny thing is, I had no idea how often I played with that thing until it was gone from my finger! Oh well, I guess I'll get used to it eventually. A couple of times I've spotted it on top of the entertainment center and for a fraction of a second I think "Oh there's my ring, it belongs on my finger," and I start to reach for it; then I remember.

I can't decide if I should hang on to the thing or sell it. It wasn't an expensive ring so I doubt I would get much for it, but I think things are about to get really tight financially, so maybe even a few dollars would help.

I'm appreciating the stories. Sounds like most of you were pretty quick to take it off and move on.
ShareBear is offline  
#16 of 35 Old 12-26-2007, 01:13 AM
 
waiting2bemommy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: buried under laundry
Posts: 1,961
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I got left my DH a month after we got married because he was abusive. I cut off all contact & moved to a different state & still couldn't bring myself to take off my ring. (I was also pregnant at the time, and people would give me "looks" because I look young). Finally one day when I was about 8 months along, i looked at my son's u/s pics and looked at the ring and really thought about all the hurtful things it had come to stand for (including almost losing my baby) and I just took it off. Then I got in the shower and cried hysterically for 45 minutes...I had to let go of what it had meant to me and accept my new situation in life. I think that point comes at a different time for everyone.

Very blessed mama to one bouncin' boy bouncy.gif (12/07) one angel3.gif who didn't get to stay (6/09), one potty learning, mess making divaenergy.gif(4/10), and one cheerful milk monster. aabfwoman.gif (12/11) Happy partner to the love of my lifedp_malesling.GIF.  

waiting2bemommy is offline  
#17 of 35 Old 12-26-2007, 12:17 PM
 
muse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: here, now
Posts: 2,407
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I took mine off yesterday after the worst xmas day of my life
muse is offline  
#18 of 35 Old 12-26-2007, 02:05 PM
 
StephandOwen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 8,809
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I stopped wearing my engagement ring (hadn't gotten married) moments before I walked out of our apartment with all our things and ds while ex was at work (left the ring on the counter with a note explaining everything).

Last I heard he gave the ring to another girl (proposed with the same ring... how tacky!) who turned out to be all wrong for her (or maybe they really are right for each other...). She used him, lied to him, hurt him pretty bad. I never did hear whether he got the ring back or not.

Steph, DH Jason (1-1-11), DS Owen (10-3-03) and DS Kai (10-13-11)

StephandOwen is offline  
#19 of 35 Old 12-26-2007, 02:19 PM
 
kalisis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: somewhere between here and there
Posts: 4,824
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I took mine off about four months before I moved out. It was sort of a test for me, I think - to see how I felt about it.

He asked for it back, but I left it in "his house" with all the rest of my belongings, so I told him good luck finding it. Maybe it'll show up when I see my stuff (if that ever happens). I don't care about it - that's for sure. He can have it, it really means so little. He never even really proposed - he threw it at me in a fight - that's how he gave it to me.

*~* A * Mama to C and A * *~* I blog - PM me for the URL
kalisis is offline  
#20 of 35 Old 12-26-2007, 09:55 PM
 
nepenthesea's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Amarillo, Texas
Posts: 378
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I quit wearing mine the day I saw my husband's text messages to and from a family friend, the last woman I thought I could trust him with. I knew then it was over for good.
nepenthesea is offline  
#21 of 35 Old 12-27-2007, 01:11 PM
 
mistymama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 4,964
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I took mine off when we seperated. It hurt me to look down at that ring which meant lifetime commitment to me, and know my x betrayed that.

I wasn't ready to let the ring go for a few years, I kept it in a safe. But last Christmas I finally sold it and in a way it really felt good, like I was finally able to totally close that chapter.

Candacepeace.gif, Married to dh   guitar.gif, Mom to ds (8) biggrinbounce.gif , Gavin candle.gif (9/30/10 - 12/19/10) and cautiously expecting our rainbow1284.gif 4-29-12

mistymama is offline  
#22 of 35 Old 12-28-2007, 02:03 PM
 
samismama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Bellevue, WA
Posts: 9
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
A few days after I left my husband, I was just sitting there (in the homeless shelter with my daughter) and couldn't stand it on my finger anymore. Just all of a sudden I ripped it off my hand and threw it accross the room. It was like I had a spider on me or something.
samismama is offline  
#23 of 35 Old 12-28-2007, 10:45 PM
 
Oh the Irony's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: grateful for truth
Posts: 3,880
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I just had a wedding band. I hadn't worn it in a year or so because it didn't fit anymore.

A few months after being separated I did a ceremony where I buried it. Felt great.
Oh the Irony is offline  
#24 of 35 Old 12-28-2007, 11:21 PM
 
bu's mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: LI, NY
Posts: 2,917
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I took off both rings (engagement & wedding) frequently when we were together...for washing dishes, gardening, etc., but having any jewelry on started to trigger my eczema. I tried to wear them whenever he was home (I was sahm) even when it made the eczema flare, but stbx never asked why I stopped wearing them, even when it was days at a time. It just got longer & longer between when I put them on. He didn't seem to care either way which was really sad. After awhile I just never put them on again.

I found them a little while ago & tried them on...it felt so funny to have anything on my hand, but it was very sad because I remember how hopeful I was of starting our life together. I put them away for dd, but who knows what I'll wind up doing with them.
bu's mama is offline  
#25 of 35 Old 12-28-2007, 11:30 PM
 
Irishmommy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: In the bat cave with heartmama
Posts: 45,981
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by noordinaryspider View Post
My mother did this, many years after the fact, and now we wear matching claddagh rings that are every bit as meaningful to me as any wedding ring could be.

FYI, Claddagh rings are traditional Irish wedding rings, so you are still wearing a wedding ring, albeit not one from a husband.
Irishmommy is offline  
#26 of 35 Old 12-29-2007, 11:54 AM
 
kdmama33's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Exactly Where I Need to Be
Posts: 1,912
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I just took mine off, too. Very strange.
kdmama33 is offline  
#27 of 35 Old 12-30-2007, 01:10 AM
 
mamamoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Eastern WA
Posts: 12,741
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
We took ours off years ago and he lost them in pawn. I still wish I had mine, I would still wear it, but only because I loved my band, even if is was a cheapy...run to the pawn shop and buy something to exchange on the day of the wedding kind of ring. It was beautiful. I guess it's kind of fitting that they got lost in pawn, maybe that isn't the best place to buy a wedding ring. LOL

Single mama to Alex(13), Maddy(12), Sam(8), Violet(6), and Ruby(3). fly-by-nursing1.gif
mamamoo is offline  
#28 of 35 Old 12-31-2007, 03:10 PM
 
nolonger's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,819
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Irishmommy View Post
FYI, Claddagh rings are traditional Irish wedding rings, so you are still wearing a wedding ring, albeit not one from a husband.
I should have explained the significance of our "divorce rings" a bit more clearly. Mom actually came up with the concept before I had even met exy, much less divorced him.

The Claddagh ring is traditionally worn in different ways to represent a woman's marital status. You'll find different opinions on which way represents which status and it may be regional, depending on what part of Ireland you happen to be in. When we got ours (Mom bought me mine and I bought hers when we were in Dublin) Mom looked at the little "instuction" booklet that came with it and saw one way for "single and looking", one way for "in a commited relationship", one way for "married", and of course she saw the possibility of the way that was not mentioned and decided that, for us anyway, it would mean "single and happy about it and not looking".

That's how I wear mine now.

It's kind of silly, but it was an affirmation to Mom that her lifestyle is a valid one that she doesn't need to be ashamed of and when I turned my ring to that position, it was a private little ceremony in my own mind marking a rite of passage into a new phase of life.
nolonger is offline  
#29 of 35 Old 12-31-2007, 03:22 PM
 
Still_Snarky's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: californ.i.a.
Posts: 3,258
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Holland73 View Post
I removed mine when I found out that he was seeing another woman and had taken off his ring.
: :
Still_Snarky is offline  
#30 of 35 Old 01-10-2008, 04:00 PM
 
Chantelle691's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 392
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I took mine off after we decided we were getting divorced. The mark (from 10 years of wearing it!) is almost gone, and that was 4 months ago, lol.

Trying to decide what to do with the band and engagement ring now. I could probably get somewhere between $1-2K for both.
Chantelle691 is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off