How long should you wait to move in with someone when you both have kids? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 01-21-2008, 01:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I met the most amazing guy last summer. We get along soo well. We have many common interests and our kids get along fairly well too. I have a ten yr old dd and he has 2 ds's 4 and 6. Her and I stay at their house 2 nights a week and I usually stay there 2 more nights when she is at her Dad's and they are at their mom's house.
I have to move out of my rental house in April and he has suggested that we move in with them because I practically live there anyway.
Is this too soon? My dd really likes him and I just love him. He is the polar opposite of my drunken, evil ex husband.
Any advice would be appreciated!
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#2 of 7 Old 01-21-2008, 04:02 PM
 
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I would wait until I was married/commited to a life together. I know it seems like a long time to wait, but I really would not want to subject my child and my bf children to the possibility of losing another "parent" like they went through with the former relationship. And also, even though I know how much you may feel like you know the person you are dating, 9 months is not enough to really know someone, IMO. I don't think you should have that kind of intense relationship where you live with someone unless you have a true commitment to a joint future.

Saving money should never be the primary reason to move in with someone, in my experience it only brings hardship of the emotional sort. If you ever feel like you don't want to be with that person anymore, it is not easy to walk away.

doula mama to my turtle love, with a who came when he wanted 9/12/09, 33w 5d, NICU strongman!.
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#3 of 7 Old 01-21-2008, 06:53 PM
 
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Originally Posted by NeivaKai View Post
I would wait until I was married/commited to a life together. I know it seems like a long time to wait, but I really would not want to subject my child and my bf children to the possibility of losing another "parent" like they went through with the former relationship. And also, even though I know how much you may feel like you know the person you are dating, 9 months is not enough to really know someone, IMO. I don't think you should have that kind of intense relationship where you live with someone unless you have a true commitment to a joint future.

Saving money should never be the primary reason to move in with someone, in my experience it only brings hardship of the emotional sort. If you ever feel like you don't want to be with that person anymore, it is not easy to walk away.
I agree. Caution and taking it slow are even more important when the hearts and souls of innocents are involved.

M
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#4 of 7 Old 01-21-2008, 07:07 PM
 
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Originally Posted by NeivaKai View Post
I don't think you should have that kind of intense relationship where you live with someone unless you have a true commitment to a joint future.
She didn't say that they did NOT have such a commitment.

Honestly, what does being married and having such a "true commitment" mean? I was both married and believed my X and I had a "true commitment to a joint future"...so, where am I now? Single with a 4.5 year old.

OP: Have you and your bf discussed future plans?

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Originally Posted by NeivaKai View Post
Saving money should never be the primary reason to move in with someone, in my experience it only brings hardship of the emotional sort.
I don't recall the OP stating that the primary reason for moving in with her bf was to save money.

IMHO: Trust your instincts. Have some BIG heart-to-hearts with your bf about the future and what kind of lives you BOTH want.

You still have time to make the decision, so start working/thinking through any potential kinks such a situation might bring. How will those "kinks" be dealt with, etc?
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#5 of 7 Old 01-21-2008, 10:14 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Holland73 View Post
She didn't say that they did NOT have such a commitment.

Honestly, what does being married and having such a "true commitment" mean? I was both married and believed my X and I had a "true commitment to a joint future"...so, where am I now? Single with a 4.5 year old.


I don't recall the OP stating that the primary reason for moving in with her bf was to save money.
?
I didn't say she said that, I just said that it shouldn't be a primary reason, as typically that is a reason many people decide to move in together.

I also said in my op that you shouldn't move into a place together unless you were married/committed to a life together. I did not say marriage was the only way that could happen.

I also said I don't think you can make that assesment in 9 months, since she said they met in the summer.

doula mama to my turtle love, with a who came when he wanted 9/12/09, 33w 5d, NICU strongman!.
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#6 of 7 Old 01-21-2008, 10:47 PM
 
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I apologize if my post put you on defense...that was not my intention, especially since I read your latest thread and know you are having a difficult time right now.

Anyway...to address your post and hope that the OP gets some different perspectives and potential questions to ask herself before taking this huge step in her and her dd's life.


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Originally Posted by NeivaKai View Post
I just said that it shouldn't be a primary reason, as typically that is a reason many people decide to move in together.
I disagree. I don't believe that 'many' people (in a happy, committed relationship) decide to move in together to save money. Perhaps, I should say, at least that has not been my experience.

Additionally, the OP's bf suggested moving in because she already spends so much time there.


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Originally Posted by NeivaKai View Post
I also said in my op that you shouldn't move into a place together unless you were married/committed to a life together. I did not say marriage was the only way that could happen.
I know you didn't say that. I meant to write "Honestly, what does being married and/OR having such a 'true commitment' mean?" I had a 4.5 year old doing my hair at the time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by NeivaKai View Post
I also said I don't think you can make that assesment in 9 months, since she said they met in the summer.
If I had been with someone for 9 months and we had not made a serious commitment to each other and/or could not assess the stability of our relationship, I would wonder what was wrong with the relationship and why I continued to be in said relationship. That would be a HUGE red flag for me.

BUT...that is my opinion and mine alone.
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#7 of 7 Old 01-21-2008, 11:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for the honest replies! We have talked about a future together, not indepth, but we would before moving in together. We would get married eventually and he has said that too. He is such a loving, caring man and Dad. He makes his kids Halloween costumes, does crafts with them, reads to them, does math and science experiments with all of them(my dd included).
He is so sweet to me. We talk for hours and hours! We even have the same discipline style for our kids. We discuss how they are, their personalities and what we think works best for them. I can't think of a better example of a father figure for my dd. Her dad loves her, but hardly spends anytime with her and is often drunk. He also has a girlfriend 11 yrs younger than him and pawns my dd off on her most of the time. He was verbally abusive to me and I knew I had to get out so that she wouldn't think that was a normal relationship.
I am not financially well off, but that would not be the reason I would move in with him. It would be because I love him and want to be with him.
I do worry about the kids if things didn't work out, but there are no guarantees with anyone, even if I waited 2 years. I was with my ex for 3 years before we got married, but I never dreamed he would be as horrible as he was. I have been through counseling and know what to look for now...the red flags and signs of an abuser.
My bf took us all fishing one day. He patiently sat baiting hooks for all the kids and me for 3 hours, so we could all learn to fish.
He is the sweetest man I have ever met. He sends me text messages that melt my heart.
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