Losing my child - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 45 Old 01-26-2008, 11:07 PM
 
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You don't need to look into the CPS stuff for your state - it should all be listed right on the voluntary custody agreement.

Also, at some point you must have signed a service plan or safety plan, which outlines what you need to do to get your child back. If you do not have a copy of this, your CPS caseworker will be able to provide one for you. I wouldn't even call and ask for it; go down to the CPS office and have them give you a copy of it.

If we don't know what's on the service plan, none of us can help you get any further. But if you wait to get a job and you wait to move out and you wait and you wait and you wait, it starts to look like you aren't interested in getting your child back.

Single WAHM to 5yo DD, 2yo DS, and forever 7 week old angel DD.
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#32 of 45 Old 01-27-2008, 06:49 PM
 
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Originally Posted by mama41 View Post
Nursing and vegan may be important, but part of adult life and parenting is recognizing and accepting that there will be times when things just are not going to go your way, and that so long as no one will be seriously hurt, you have to let things go. I'd have loved to have bf'd, too, but a prior surgery made it impossible. My daughter came to no harm. Your child will survive the beef particles. The more important thing is doing whatever you must do to work with everyone and win back the right to care for your child.

Good luck --
Whoa. Vegan is very important to those of us who are. It is the same as our moral convictions, and our religious convictions. It really is important to us vegans. And the harm thing is SO highly up for debate.....

However that said, OP, being vegan freaking takes effort. I cook for a family of five vegans. We eat awesome. People are shocked that my food is animal-free because it's just that freaking good! But it takes effort. Not just anyone, who is used to normal cooking can do it. I think that your older parents fall into that lot. They have been cooking and eating "normal" for many a year. It is my feeling that they are being VERY respectful of your wishes by PICKING OUT THE VEGETABLES for your son. That was sweet, no two ways about it. And the dairy, oh my, I have deep issues with dairy, but seriously these are older people, they really think they are making his bones strong! If it truly matters to you get into he kitchen and do the cooking. At least make one vegan dish to go with each meal. Remember being vegan is "out there" to everyone who isn't. It's not exactly something they will have any urge to trip over themselves to do. I think them picking the vegetables out shows that they do want to respect your wishes of raising a vegetarian child, and are trying to handle it as best they can. I think if you make the kitchen effort, you'll see your diet wishes for your son more respected. Also do you allow him to have soy? Are you purchasing soy dairy products for him? I'm sure if the milk, butter, ice cream, etc. equivelent is there they'd be happy to use them. What do you eat? I would assume you'd be cooking for the two of you. Anyway, I hope it works out for the four of you to everyone's best. ESPECIALLY the baby's.
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#33 of 45 Old 01-28-2008, 01:33 AM
 
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Bibicaffe, I get the vegan thing; it's a matter of perspective. My dd actually goes to a vegan daycare, and there's a local push for vegan in the public schools, which I support. However. People do not generally die of eating American diets for a year or two (on the contrary, so long as the calories are controlled, they tend to live 80 years or so). And Oz is trying to, or says she wants to, win back custody. That's the priority. Antagonizing authorities over diet in the meantime is counterproductive. If Oz gets herself together, gets the BP under control, and wins back custody, then she can keep things happily vegan for her son until the kid is about 9 and discovers he can walk to Burger King with nobody the wiser.

In the meantime, the child is under her parents' custody, so they're the ones who get to decide what's best. Frankly, Oz is lucky her parents are willing to keep her in the house, if she's really got behaviors that lead to her mother having to call the police. Many parents would tell her she had to go. It's tough to overstate the stress of living with someone who's got an active mental illness, and BP is a very tough row for families to hoe. Add to that the legal affairs and the ordinary stress of caring for a baby while being grandparent-age, and I begin to suspect the parents are in line for medals. I don't fault them for not doing cooking that's unusual for them. You really have to look at the whole picture.
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#34 of 45 Old 01-28-2008, 01:52 AM
 
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Hugs to you! I am so sorry you are going through this terrible situation. Please know that it is perfectly normal for you to feel upset and maybe overwhelmed and rather powerless right now, given the circumstances. I think it's important to validate that for yourself, and also to remind yourself you are doing absolutely the best you can at this time, we all are. When we know different, we do different.

Something that may help is looking at how you think about yourself and your life. I believe that our core beliefs about ourselves and our life are the programs by which we run our lives. So when we have a childhood where events made us feel like we were nothing, unheard, not validated or respected, etc, we see ourselves that way and that belief guides us into our lives, where we usually see it being validated. I think that people who are lucky enough to have a extremely blessed and emotionally well family growing up tend to think they are great and loved and their lives usually bear this out as well. I think many of us are around the middlish of either extreme somewhere.

How thinking like this helps me is that usually when bad things happen to me, they verify negative beliefs I've already held about myself and my life,and so it hurts all the more, and I feel powerless and overwhelmed. Now when something happens I can see I am in charge and I can take control. I see that I have a negative belief working itself out, and so I know that by addressing it, and working on letting it go, I can change my present situation. I often see the situation totally differently, and often circumstances just change themselves, once I am coming from a different place. I have had some hard times, and this has really helped me in changing my life for much the better! I still have a lot to do in this area, but it feels good to know I am working things out a little at a time and moving in a real positive direction.


Anyway, I thought maybe looking at things this way might help you, too. If this makes sense, and seems like it might help, you could start by affirming that you are powerful, (or whatever issue seems to be at the core of things) even if you don't feel that is true at first. As you keep constantly affirming it, you can work through and release past events that contributed to you feeling powerless in the first place. It sounds like your mother and home situation were at the heart of it to begin with. After validating your feelings as they come up, it's helpful often to be able to see that those who hurt us/are hurting us were hurt themselves, and so were those who hurt them, etc, because staying angry keep us tied to the pain we are working on letting go.

You can eventually let negative and self-defeating beliefs go, and allow yourself to claim your power now, which gives you the chance to change present events for you and your son. Please know you are believed in. I am sending lots of love and good thoughts your way!
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#35 of 45 Old 02-05-2008, 12:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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They're kicking me out. And while I want to get out, I now have 24 hours and there's no way I can find a place that quickly. I'm going to be living in a shelter probably. The only place that I can go is a shelter, and I can't even go to the safe ones becuase they won't take me unless I have my child with me.

I don't even know what to do anymore. It's like I've given up on everything. All my self destructive behaviors have come back full force, and I just give up.
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#36 of 45 Old 02-05-2008, 01:22 PM
 
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firstly - they can not just "kick you out". Technically if that is listed as your residence, your home, then they would need to go through a court ordered eviction. Yes, family would have to do that to get adult family members to leave. I know this from experience.

Secondly - if you do become homeless - i would go and apply for help with housing through social services. Not that i like DSS, but you can not just be homeless, and you have a child you need to fight for in the long run. Things might seem bad right now, but choices you make NOW will effect you (and your DCs) future.

s

~Kris mama to Alexis (15), Elizabeth (10), Andrew (7), and 1 angel
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#37 of 45 Old 02-05-2008, 01:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by KJoslyn78 View Post
firstly - they can not just "kick you out". Technically if that is listed as your residence, your home, then they would need to go through a court ordered eviction. Yes, family would have to do that to get adult family members to leave. I know this from experience.

Secondly - if you do become homeless - i would go and apply for help with housing through social services. Not that i like DSS, but you can not just be homeless, and you have a child you need to fight for in the long run. Things might seem bad right now, but choices you make NOW will effect you (and your DCs) future.

s
The CPS worker did it. She said I have 24 hours to get out, or she'll have me removed by the cops.
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#38 of 45 Old 02-05-2008, 02:57 PM
 
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oh - that may be different. Can i ask why CPS told you to leave? you can PM me if you want.

I would still seek any help, dss, maybe a church, red cross, etc

~Kris mama to Alexis (15), Elizabeth (10), Andrew (7), and 1 angel
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#39 of 45 Old 02-05-2008, 11:05 PM
 
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What in the world happened?

Single WAHM to 5yo DD, 2yo DS, and forever 7 week old angel DD.
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#40 of 45 Old 02-05-2008, 11:11 PM
 
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I'm sorry this is happening to you.
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#41 of 45 Old 02-06-2008, 12:38 AM
 
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Originally Posted by MyHeartInOz View Post
All my self destructive behaviors have come back full force, and I just give up.
I assume this is why CPS kicked you out. Previously they were being lenient by allowing you to stay there even though your parents were given custody. If your self destructive behaviours are back full force like you said they likely feel it is unsafe for your son to be around that which is why they want you out. I am sorry that it has come to that, but if your bad behaviours ar in full force because you have given up then take some responsibility for your actions. Carrying on about how you will have to live in a shelter because the world is so mean isn't going to change the situation, your actions created this situation so now it is time to change those actions to improve the situation. I don't mean to sound harsh, I truely don't, but you knew you had steps to take to remain in your son's life and from the sounds of it not only did you not take those steps, you ran 100% the other way, much like a teenager claiming "I don't hafta and you can't make me" and then pouting how mean everyone is when you have to live with the consequences of those actions. I really hope you can find a place to live and see this as your chance to improve your over all situation for your son. GO to a shelter tomorrow, crappy one or not it is a roof over your head. Then head down the what ever office runs subsidized housing and get your name on the wait list. I don't care if it is a year long because you don't have your son, it's not getting any shorter complaining about it, just get your name on it. Then go and get a 2nd or 3rd job to save money. Then go down to the employment office, You do have a job but they may have programs that help get you training for a better job that would help you earn enough money to afford your own place. THEN regardless of training or your current job get a 2nd job, this is a temporary thing. Have it until you can afford to live off one income. Lastly, start checking out the newspaper for people looking for a roommate and start applying. THese situations usually include room and board for a few hundred a month. That is completely doable if you want it and is a better situation than a shelter. If you hit the pavement running tomorrow you could have a new place to live, and money coming in within a few weeks, while working towards a better job and with your name on the wait list for subsidized housing, which would have you on the path to getting your son back. While I feel for your situation, I can't change it for you, only you can do that. As my folks would say Sh!t or get off the pot.

Brandy Single momma to A(11), C(10), H(6) and I(2)
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#42 of 45 Old 02-06-2008, 02:11 AM
 
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If you don't think they are good for your child, you need to talk to cps about that. I think you should ask your parents to help you find housing, or ask the cps worker to help you. If you want to get your child back, you will have to be persistent and refuse to give up all the while taking all the help you can get, even from the people you are angry with.
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#43 of 45 Old 02-16-2008, 02:33 PM
 
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hi. Do not ever give up on your child. You are the mother and a very important and necessary person in that person's life. Even your absence would have huge impact.

I am also vegan-90% anyway-all that I feel that I can be in my circumstances and a proponent of natural parenting and breast feeding. I have gone through custody issues with one of my children. It was a nightmare and still is a difficult thing to live with. My daughter, now ten years old, was weaned and given meat as well as vaccinations against my will. This is an ongoing situation and it has been five years now. I see my child and have joint custody although I lost primary residential. I feel for you and am sending you my best wishes. You can pm me if you want to. I was given good advice and took a lot of it although there were some things I wish I would have done and didn't or couldn't. I could recommend some very good books. I hope to hear from you and you are going through a very painful and difficult thing. Take things day by day and do the things you need to do. Please be calm and assertive when talking to cps, parents, etc.

Obtaining a job and apartment would be a wonderful thing to do. You can get your child back. Have you thought about student loans and a couple of classes as well as a good therapist who is knowledgeable at least about natural parenting/extended breastfeeding/etc.?

Here is a hug and I hope you can get a place of your own somehow and see your child as much as possible!!!
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#44 of 45 Old 02-16-2008, 11:15 PM
 
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I'm so sorry that I don't have any advice but you and your dc will be in my thoughts and prayers. Don't give up! Listen to the wise mommies on here!
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#45 of 45 Old 02-17-2008, 01:43 AM
 
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Hey "MyHeartInOz" I've been looking around these forums and found your post. I just read the first post and just had to say something. (Had to register to do this :P)
I have been in a very similar situation myself with my daughter. I know how helpless you can feel. Please do not give up. My daughter was 10 months when she was taken and I now have shared custody with her father, shes 16 1/2 months now.
If you like you can give me an email through my profile. If that doesnt work I can give you my email address...
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