Huge Differences in Parenting/Discipline Styles... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 8 Old 01-27-2008, 03:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Okay last night was stellar..
Ds2 (3) wanted to sit beside me his brother was already there.
stbx told him he couldn't....and raised his voice - ds2 lost it he's very sensitive...I told stbx that if he raised his voice he was going to cry and get upset...this escalated to stbx removing him taking him downstairs...
to which I hear things like sit down shut up and you can't see your mother until you calm down.

I am not a child I went down stairs..
STBX considered that disrespectful to him and undermining his authority..
and left....(*when I got downstairs he was physically restraining him from comming upstairs to see me)

STBX sees my parenting style as weak and I always give in.
I don't but I do take the opportunity to teach my children...
he's one of those because I said so types..

I had a talk with him after he stormed out that he cannot expect to disappear for 3 months, waltz back in every so often and expect the children to be obedient. They are confused by him. If he wants them to listen like soldiers (barf) he would have to inspire the boys that he is a leader worth looking up to and following..(not constantly abandoning them, making me cry and generally not being around)

I feel its up to me to raise my son's to be men..
he (abuse in his childhood) doesn't emmotionally connect well the kids really don't know him as a person, know any stories about him, know what his childhood was like (even basic things did he have a dog, did he live in a house) I don't fill in blanks for the kids so they don't even know they have an aunt and uncle on his side..

I feel like I am Maria von Trapp handed the whistles around him...

8 might be enough
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#2 of 8 Old 01-27-2008, 04:47 PM
 
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Oh my gosh, I am so sorry. You are correct in what you said to him. He needs to earn their love and respect before he has a right to act like a parent.

Do you all have a plan regarding visitation? It sounds like it needs to be supervised until he gets into a parenting class or something, especially if he has been away from the kids.

I am SO sorry for your little guy and you!

M
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#3 of 8 Old 01-27-2008, 04:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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he's been mostly comming over here...which I guess I got to keep that up.
parenting classes - he's such a better parent in his opinion maybe we could go together...sigh

8 might be enough
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#4 of 8 Old 01-28-2008, 10:45 AM
 
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Boy I'm sorry. That's so tough. I feel awful for your DS.

We have sort of similar scenes in our house. Just this a.m. my stbx was yelling at my DD because she wasn't sitting properly at the table. One of his many issues has to do with where the kids sit at the table and how they sit. Anyway she was eating a bagle and not sitting with her mouth over the plate to catch the crumbs (the way he insists they do). So he starts yelling at her. As he's yelling she's kind of sliding down slowly under the table. So of course that makes him madder. It never occurs to him that while someone is yelling at you you want to avoid them and hide or get away.

We have these situations *all* the time and I am so sick of them.
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#5 of 8 Old 01-28-2008, 12:14 PM
 
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My kids dad is strict and we have almost opposite parenting styles too.

What I had to do was to realize that I cannot change him or make him parent the way I want him too. I had to realize that it is between them and their dad and I have to stay out of it (unless something really major happens that NEEDS to be addressed....ie. when he left them in a mall at ages 3 & 5).

You have no credibility with your ex, so he is not going to listen to you or change what he does because of you anymore than you are going to listen to him and change your parenting because he thinks you should. If you don't shift, you will stay locked in this stalemate and no one will benefit.

What is best...and hard, I know, is to stay out of their relationship and let him do what he's going to do (unless of course, it becomes abusive or their safety is jeopardized). Your kids will figure out who he is and that will affect their relationship with him.

It was hard for me to do that, knowing my kids were being treated in a way I would never want for them, etc., but when I did it, things got a whole lot better. Mostly, because part of my ex's resistance was just a power struggle with me and him exercising his power through the kids. So, once I let go, there was no more struggle and he did soften a bit with the boys. And now, as they've gotten older (they're 6 & 10), they stand up to him, they tell him he's not the boss of them, they tell me their dad has too many rules...they get it. He's now starting to learn from them, how they want to be treated because what he's been doing, just simply doesn't work with them and they call him on it everytime.

My job, then, as their parent, is to listen, be there for them to talk, hold them, comfort them, tell them why I choose to parent the way I do and we have very frank conversations.

It is one of those things you can't really change, but you do whatever you can to help your kids through it the best they can. It is a life experience, that we hope our kids won't have until they're older, but if we help them through it, they'll navigate their way through other situations better because of it.
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#6 of 8 Old 01-28-2008, 12:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Anyway she was eating a bagle and not sitting with her mouth over the plate to catch the crumbs (the way he insists they do).
wow that's so anal and actually not polite you are supposed to bring your food to you (hence napkins on the lap

He left them at a mall at 3&5?
wow.

Yeah he's an ass I need to relax and see what small battles I can win there not die on the mountain every time

8 might be enough
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#7 of 8 Old 01-28-2008, 12:59 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Shiloh View Post
wow that's so anal and actually not polite you are supposed to bring your food to you (hence napkins on the lap

He left them at a mall at 3&5?
wow.

Yeah he's an ass I need to relax and see what small battles I can win there not die on the mountain every time
You're not kidding on the "anal" thing. Up until recently I felt like I was really trying to see his point of view on these things and support his position. But as time goes on I see how ridiculous it all is.

I think I need to post the advice from MsChatsalot on this one. I hope I can get to that point where I fully understand that I can't change the way he is with the kids. And I do think some of this is power and control with him trying to get to me.
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#8 of 8 Old 01-31-2008, 12:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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he did it again.
I asked him to come watch the kids I had an exam today I needed to study for...I did fine on it thanks
inspite of him..

The little guy is scared of his father he thinks he's mean and melted down..all I wanted was for stbx to reassure him that daddy and him will get along fine..
stbx chose to leave instead.....so I woke up at 4am and studied.

its just so depressing to know I really cannot count on him for squat.
he said he had better things to do with his time...
nice he has the choice to parent or not.

8 might be enough
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