Rewriting history? - Mothering Forums

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Old 03-04-2008, 04:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Is this something most people do? I swear...he is turning everything around. Making some stuff totally up. Saying I never said/did things that other people KNOW I did/said. It is so weird and hurtful. I really don't understand it. If he is so freaking happy with his new life/partner, then why does he need to do this on top of it all?

The other thing that is killing me is that he feels absolutely no obligation to me, or to the way we agreed to parent our kids! I agreed to stay home with our kids for the last 11 years, and he thinks I should just go get a job in a factory, and keep our kids in poverty for the rest of their lives as children. Put the baby in daycare, etc...

He just today threatened to quit jobs, etc if the court orders that he pay more cs than what we agreed on and what he is paying currently. He has 5 kids with me, and already got his gf pregnant once(she lost it, and almost lost a tube), and I imagine he is not being careful(never was, but it's only *my* fault we had so many kids...he only wanted 2).

I am just feeling so frustrated. Filling out paperwork, mad, etc.

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Old 03-04-2008, 05:00 PM
 
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My ex totally tried to rewrite history, to the point where I think he's literally delusional. He also did a complete 180 on parenting decisions we had made. And said it was my fault I got pregnant. My eyes were exhausted from rolling back in my head so much after his testimony during the custody hearing.

And if your ex quits his job to avoid paying a c/s increase, the court will likely see right through it and he'll still be obligated to pay whatever is ordered.
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Old 03-04-2008, 05:03 PM
 
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I think rewriting history is very very common; I know my ex has done it. Two different times he took trips halfway around the world for weeks at a time, specifically telling me that I (and dd) were not invited to go with him, that it was "something he had to do on his own". More than once since then, he's tried to say that I didn't go because I didn't want to, or that I couldn't get the time off work, or some other reason than the truth.

People don't want to admit - even to themselves - that they do shitty things to other people. The rewrite history to make themselves feel better, or look better to other people, or justify their behavior.

Sorry you're having to deal with this, I know how frustrating it is.
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Old 03-04-2008, 05:24 PM
 
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I think a lot of is that it is hard to take a good honest look at yourself. That's the case for my son's father. It is like he just isn't capable.
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Old 03-04-2008, 06:11 PM
 
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Yep. Same issue here, it used to be SO MADDENING to me but I just don't talk to him anymore and have forced him to communicate via email. There were times that I really thought one of us was insane.
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Old 03-04-2008, 06:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, at least I'm not alone. LOL I seriously think he is delusional sometimes. Like does he really believe this stuff? Really truly? I mean, I have people who were HERE when this stuff went on. It is just so weird.

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Old 03-04-2008, 06:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh, and I WISH he would communicate via email. When I have tried that he only responds to one or two of the issues, and rarely responds at all.

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Old 03-04-2008, 07:09 PM
 
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Wow, mine never responds to my e-mails either, it is maddening. I really wish we could just talk via e-mail.

Yeah, my ex has rewritten a lot of history, trying to paint a picture of himself as a caring, involved father. Whatever.

On the other side of things, however, sometimes I feel bad for him because the lifestyle that he's involved in was something I thought I was OK with when we married, but since it completely ruined my marriage and scarred me for life I've obviously decided that was very misguided. And he doesn't seem to be able to clue in to that fact, it's like he thinks I'm lying.

So I can see where there are two sides. I think when one person in a marriage is passionate and pressures the other person to act a certain way (i.e. parent a certain way) it's easy for the other person to try to adopt it... but left to their own devices they change their minds, if that makes sense. I think that explains some of it, but the desire to not admit what crappy decisions you have made is part of it for some people too.
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Old 03-05-2008, 03:51 AM
 
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Yes yes yes. It's nice to hear how many others do this. My ex started doing it when he left, before he even asked for the divorce. And he still does it. The thing that makes me the absolute craziest is how he doesn't trust me at all, and will say this. He had an affair, he lied about it through months of counseling, etc. He took money. And lots of other dishonest stuff. Yet he says he can't trust me. It really is delusional. I got so frustrated with it during the divorce that I said something to my lawyer. She said it happens all the time. People can't look themselves in the mirror and deflect on the person they've hurt to absolve their own guilt. Plus someone who is capable of that kind of lying assumes that everyone else is as well. That was her take from years of family law.

I think the best way you can possibly handle it is to not engage whenever possible. There's no point arguing. I used to try to set the record straight every time. It does no good. The phrases, "I'm sorry you feel that way." and "That's not how I remember it." can go a long way.

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Old 03-05-2008, 01:48 PM
 
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Originally Posted by cycle View Post
Yep. Same issue here, it used to be SO MADDENING to me but I just don't talk to him anymore and have forced him to communicate via email. There were times that I really thought one of us was insane.
Turns out, in my case, one of us is. I'll let you guess which one . And robinchap1 is so right. Disengaging is very powerful. It's too easy to get sucked into bickering over incidents. For me, it often turned into a semantic battle. And it often isn't about the incident itself, but the other person's attempts to manipulate you or the situation. When you refuse to engage, they lose that power.
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Old 03-05-2008, 01:55 PM
 
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Wow, it's a comfort to me to see this thread. I didn't realize so many of us had this problem.

Robinchap1, I'll have to remember those phrases. Any other tips on disengaging from these things?
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Old 03-05-2008, 02:01 PM
 
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Originally Posted by WatermelonSnow View Post
Turns out, in my case, one of us is. I'll let you guess which one . And robinchap1 is so right. Disengaging is very powerful. It's too easy to get sucked into bickering over incidents. For me, it often turned into a semantic battle. And it often isn't about the incident itself, but the other person's attempts to manipulate you or the situation. When you refuse to engage, they lose that power.
Yeah, same here. When I used to engage him though I really was just beyond perplexed at the story he created about what happened. As he would be talking I could just see him telling this story to his friends, family, etc. I used to see him do it with things with me. I always have to remind him that he is talking to me and I was there and I know the real story, save the fairy tale for people you are trying to impress.
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Old 03-05-2008, 03:53 PM
 
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Originally Posted by ShadowMom View Post
Yeah, my ex has rewritten a lot of history, trying to paint a picture of himself as a caring, involved father. Whatever.
:

My ex certainly works hard to make himself look like a caring invovled father without actually taking any interest in our DD. Or showing any concern to her needs and emotional well being.

I keep trying to follow the wonderful advice I received from a truely inspiring single mum friend of mine and see him as a great father and he will become one but it is proving SOOOOOOOOOO hard for me but I keep trying.
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Old 03-05-2008, 06:10 PM
 
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My ex was and still is delusional. For instance according to him "our kids weren't planned (all four of them), he was let go, not fired, from a major oil company, he never ran around with other women, he never hid money from me, he took the higher road in the divorce, he never hit me or the kids, he never played psycho head games with me, he was never cruel and abusive to animals. Actually the opposite of all those statements are what really happened. Thank God I have witnesses to all the above or I would think I was crazy. For instance, once he ran over a dog on purpose, according to him the whole thing never happened. I am sure he uses up a lot of energy telling new people including his new wife what a great guy he is. It is embarrassing to be around him when I know he is rewriting history.
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