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#1 of 9 Old 03-06-2008, 02:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am separated from my kids' dad; have been for almost 4 years. I have had self-esteem issues in the past, but the emotional abuse and degradation I experienced in that relationship seem to have pulled me into myself, making me introspective and self critical and insecure. I don't trust that anyone wants to know me. I am constantly interpreting little things like people being busy as hints instead of them really wanting to see me, but having no time. I have been working and working on this; trying to get to know myself again, to know what I love, what gives me joy, what I want from my life. But I feel like I have made no progress. I have been seeing someone for almost 2 months, and we are going through a busy time, and haven't been able to see each other for 2 weeks. I feel rejected, even thought that is probably not what is going on. And it's not only with men that this happens, I feel the same way with friends or acquaintances who I assume don't want to be anything more than that.

How can I learn to love me and feel my own value? I know I seem conceited sometimes: the only way I feel I can recognize my own value is by telling of the good things other people have said about me. But I don't see it myself, it's just a way of being swaggery and brave, like all those people with low self esteem who try to raise themselves above others with bragging and bravado. I don't think I take it that far, but I think it comes from a similar place.

What is there that I can practically do to feel better about myself, to trust my own merit and love myself? It seems insurmountable.

I don't know if I am even making sense.
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#2 of 9 Old 03-06-2008, 02:42 PM
 
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Have you spoken to any therapists or had any kind of psychological evaluations in the last year?

If you have not, I would suggest you seek professional help asap. Maybe there might be a chemical imblance at play here,or maybe you could just use the guidance of someone trained to help.

I am rooting for you momma!

Many hugs to you.
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#3 of 9 Old 03-06-2008, 02:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks, dharmagrl.

I have not; I don't even know where to begin. I have never seen any kind of therapist/counsellor. I think this is something I need to do, but I don't have a clue how to start to find someone who can help me.
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#4 of 9 Old 03-06-2008, 03:54 PM
 
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MamaLeslie,

I see you are in Canada and if I'm not mistaken, your healthcare is covered! That is a huge plus!

Do you have a family doctor? I would call them and tell them you need to talk to someone and they should be able to point you in the right direction.

Please call today.

Keep me posted mama!! Feel free to PM me...now i'm due to give birth any second,but not in labor yet,so if you don't hear back from me....I'm having my baby!!!
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#5 of 9 Old 03-06-2008, 04:47 PM
 
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There are things you can do without a therapist. Indeed, you should do things even if you have a therapist. Some of these things are:

1- Positive affirmations. Start looking at yourself in the mirror every morning after you get out of bed and every evening before going to bed and saying, "You are wonderful! I love you!" and any other positive things you like to say and/or need to hear.

2- Positive self-talk. Whenever you find yourself saying something negative to yourself (I witness women say they're stupid to themselves a lot), say three things positive about yourself right afterward. This will help you get into the habit of talking nicely to yourself, even if it takes a while to get out of the habit of talking meanly.

3- Visualize the Love! In your vulnerable times, imagine someone giving you a hug and just loving you up. This is sometimes most helpful if you imagine the adult you loving up the insecure, child you. Eventually, you may be able to put the child you in the past and imagine the adult you getting love and positive affection from another adult (maybe another aspect of yourself or diety).

4- Chant, chant, chant! While going to sleep at night, repeat positive mantras to and about yourself. "I am a great person." "Thank you, Self, for doing... today." I find that bedtime thoughts influence a lot of what I go thru the next day, so I work to make those thoughts positive and affirming.

5- Embrace your inherent Fabulosity. My friends and I have a dedication to the idea of Fabulosity. We are Fabulous and we let others know it! Not in crazy ways, but for example: A guy is trying to get what he wants w/o nec. giving me what I want. I tell him, "We both know I'm too Fabulous to agree to that." It's funny. At least, it tends to make the people I deal with laugh. LOL And, it's helped a couple of my friends really add to their sense of self-worth. "Fabulous" is a great word. I recommend it's usage.

6- Be patient and forgiving. It takes time to rebuild, but the good thing about life is that there's plenty of time! So, forgive yourself and forgive others and move forward. Accept that one step forward is better than no step at all.

Good luck! Practice makes perfect!

Yes, yes.  I'm fabulous. loveeyes.gif  Moving on...

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#6 of 9 Old 03-06-2008, 05:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for that list. I need to make myself do that. I feel so ridiculous doing it when I don't feel it. But I guess I just have to make myself do it.

I like the fabulosity approach. being fabulous is the perfect reason not to do things that are unfair to yourself.

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#7 of 9 Old 03-06-2008, 06:19 PM
 
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What a great list, Princesstutu!

And MamaLeslie, give yourself a little break -- remember that you are human and not (always) perfect. Having 3 DC and being a super-mama and a midwife in training has to be just a little exhausting at times!
I concur with finding a good therapist. It's made a huge difference in my understanding of myself as well as being motivational in addressing the changes that I personally need to make. I tried a few, but found the 'keeper' from a casual conversation with a longtime aquaintance. I can't even recall how the conversation got around to therapists (since she is not a close friend), but somehow she knew 'just the person for me' and she was so right.
Maybe it's one of those 'ask the universe for answers' type things. Put it out there and you'll find some help.
You may also want to read some books (in all of your spare time ). There are so many out there -- I'm sure that you'll find some good resources.
Hugs to you, you're totally fabulistic!
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#8 of 9 Old 03-06-2008, 09:27 PM
 
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Great list, princesstutu!

You can also keep a book of positive aspects about yourself. When you notice things you like or love about you, write them down. As you start noticing more things about yourself that are positive, you'll find it easier and easier to write them down.
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#9 of 9 Old 03-07-2008, 12:23 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MsChatsAlot View Post
Great list, princesstutu!

You can also keep a book of positive aspects about yourself. When you notice things you like or love about you, write them down. As you start noticing more things about yourself that are positive, you'll find it easier and easier to write them down.
Ugh, that sounds torturous. But perhaps torturus is what I need.

Okay, a beginning. I don't like my doctor enough to trust her to refer me to someone good. So I want to get a referral from someone I know, then see if I can be referred by my doc to that particular person. Or something. My doc is away for 2 weeks, anyway. I will do some affirmations, etc- it's not like this is some sudden onset, acute thing, I have been dealing with this for at least 4 years, so I think a couple more weeks won't kill me, especially since I have so much on my plate until the beginning of april.

Thanks, mamas (and mama to be )
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