For those that aren't ready to date yet... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 29 Old 03-10-2008, 12:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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What goals or challenges do you want/need to work through or acheive before you want to date?!

I am recently separated and nowhere near ready to date. For me I don't think I can really put a timeframe on it or know when exactly I will be ready, I think thinking at least 6 months to a year of being by myself. I just came out of a very long relationship and I need time to heal and move on from that, to get my self esteem back up and to get to know myself. I want to focus on my little girls right now. I also want to get to my goal weight. So when I have done all those things and feel ready I think I will start dating!
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#2 of 29 Old 03-10-2008, 12:48 PM
 
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I think I should have some counseling/therapy to figure out why I have made such poor relationship choices in the past (though I've got a pretty good idea) and to do some preventive work to make sure history does not repeat itself. Don't have a timeframe.
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#3 of 29 Old 03-10-2008, 12:53 PM
 
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I think I should have some counseling/therapy to figure out why I have made such poor relationship choices in the past (though I've got a pretty good idea) and to do some preventive work to make sure history does not repeat itself. Don't have a timeframe.
I agree with that. I also just feel I need to focus my energy and attention on my kids as much as possible for the next 6 mos to a year. Honestly, I just can't imagine having the emotional energy for a new relationship for a LONG time.
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#4 of 29 Old 03-10-2008, 12:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I agree with that! I am currently going to individual counseling and group support meetings every week and it is helping me a lot. I need to work on myself right now!
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#5 of 29 Old 03-10-2008, 01:12 PM
 
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I need to be happy with ME. I mean, physically. I know people will tell me if i find the right guy he'll love me just the way i am, but i don't love me, and i don't want someone else to love this me either. I'm about 125 pounds overweight, and i don't think i'll be prepared to be in a relationship with anyone until i at least hit 80 pounds lost. I'm working on that (in fact i'm eating my uber healthy lunch right now!) and have a gym membership and everything.

I need to not *need* someone else. This means that even when i am ready, i will not be going out looking for someone, because i need a real relationship to just sort of 'fall' into place. If it doesn't, i'll be totally ok with that. But i know that i cannot have another relationship based on my need for a partner.

I need to actually be divorced. I would not be comfortable dating a guy who was ok with the fact that i am still legally married. It's been over 3 years, but it's just not something i'm able to pursue right now (financially, or situationally, as i have full control over everything regarding DS, and if we divorced, there would then be some sort of custody/visitation agreement and i don't want anything like that right now.), so i'm ok with not dating anyone in the meantime.

So yeah,.... not ready yet here either.
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#6 of 29 Old 03-10-2008, 11:23 PM
 
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I'm not ready at all yet.

I want to lose weight. I want my divorce to be final. I want to feel "normal" in my new house with just my daughter and me. I want to get my finances in order so I know I can support us. I want to push myself to do some "scary" things alone... like take a photography class or a cooking class. I want to get over my ex.

I'm actually really enjoying being alone right now and I'm not at all looking forward to letting someone (besides Anna, of course) into my inner circle. Maybe someday, but not right now.

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#7 of 29 Old 03-11-2008, 01:20 AM
 
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I think I should have some counseling/therapy to figure out why I have made such poor relationship choices in the past (though I've got a pretty good idea) and to do some preventive work to make sure history does not repeat itself. Don't have a timeframe.
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I need to be happy with ME. I mean, physically. I know people will tell me if i find the right guy he'll love me just the way i am, but i don't love me, and i don't want someone else to love this me either. I'm about 125 pounds overweight, and i don't think i'll be prepared to be in a relationship with anyone until i at least hit 80 pounds lost. I'm working on that (in fact i'm eating my uber healthy lunch right now!) and have a gym membership and everything.

I need to not *need* someone else. This means that even when i am ready, i will not be going out looking for someone, because i need a real relationship to just sort of 'fall' into place. If it doesn't, i'll be totally ok with that. But i know that i cannot have another relationship based on my need for a partner.

I need to actually be divorced. I would not be comfortable dating a guy who was ok with the fact that i am still legally married.
Ditto to all this. I want to be the person I have been wanting to be for years but never had the courage to do it. I don't want to look for a mate, I want to be happy inside, and I want my kids to be happy and healthy in our new life before I try to bring someone else into. My X is confusing them enough for both of us.

Single mama to Alex(13), Maddy(12), Sam(8), Violet(6), and Ruby(3). fly-by-nursing1.gif
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#8 of 29 Old 03-11-2008, 10:59 PM
 
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To be honest, I've been single since June 2004 except for the brief 6 week interlude that got me my awesome, wonderful ds and I am perfectly content to stay this way. I was with my abusive ex for almost 7 years and then I took a chance with ds's father and that turned out sooo well I don't have it in me right now to be able to let someone in and trust them.

I don't want the hassle of dealing with anyone else and I don't particularly trust my own judgment anymore and so dating is on the shelf for me now and probably will be for a long time. I'm just not interested....in sex either. I'd just end up pregnant! and truthfully no man can do better for me than I can do for myself.

After all the stuff with my ex and then my own family (if you can't trust your family who can you trust?) I'm just not taking any chances for a good long while.

And if I ever come here saying I think I met someone nice and want to have sex or something stupid like that please give me a virtual bitch slap and remind of these words! Not likely to happen anytime soon but still.....
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#9 of 29 Old 03-12-2008, 01:31 AM
 
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What goals or challenges do you want/need to work through or acheive before you want to date?!
I want to see this child launched successfully into the world. After that I might have time for another child. I mean man.
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#10 of 29 Old 03-12-2008, 11:18 AM
 
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I spent a year, after getting out of a 9 year long abusive relationship, taking care of my kids and getting them transitioned into our new life, reading about spirituality and finding peace within myself, getting counseling (kids too), getting our new home in order and comfortable for our new life, making friends and becoming apart of the community. After a year i felt really comfortable in my new life, comfortable as a single parent living alone with kids ( i was really scared and anxious for quite some time), and i finally felt like i had something to offer someone else. Not out of desperation or loneliness but just something pure that can come from me. I lost my identity in my last relationship and i had to find myself again.
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#11 of 29 Old 03-12-2008, 01:24 PM
 
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I need to figure out HOW to date! I tend to either become immediately attached to someone (see them every day, move in quickly, etc...) or go out on one date and then never see the person again. I don't know why I can't get a happy balance between the two. Not sure how I'm going to figure that one out though.
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#12 of 29 Old 03-14-2008, 01:35 AM
 
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I am thinking I will need to wait until my dd2 is old enough to be left w/ a sitter - I don't think me nursing a baby on a date as an option... if I want a 2nd one
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#13 of 29 Old 03-14-2008, 06:58 PM
 
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I am thinking I will need to wait until my dd2 is old enough to be left w/ a sitter - I don't think me nursing a baby on a date as an option... if I want a 2nd one


Thats funny! I am going to have a nursling in June/July! I bet it be a while before I have a date!

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#14 of 29 Old 03-14-2008, 07:00 PM
 
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Jrayn!

I just looked at your linked photobucket. What a cute photo!

~Carla~ LOVING~ LIFE~
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#15 of 29 Old 03-14-2008, 08:19 PM
 
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-Body issues

-Not having the energy to weed through men that aren't for me.

-Kinda of enjoying being alone
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#16 of 29 Old 03-14-2008, 10:13 PM
 
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I am thinking I will need to wait until my dd2 is old enough to be left w/ a sitter - I don't think me nursing a baby on a date as an option... if I want a 2nd one
An eligible dairy farmer bachelor might be intrigued...
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#17 of 29 Old 03-14-2008, 11:22 PM
 
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Just thought I would say that dp and I started dating when I was still lactating (just in the weaning process) and he thought it was hot. He can't wait till I am again.
I was more weirded out by it than he was.

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#18 of 29 Old 03-15-2008, 12:27 AM
 
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Physically---I would like to lose my leftover gut from pregnancy and have a few new clothes. I'm not at all fat but I hate that stomach hanging out, and I wear the same few outfits day in & day out. I'd like to feel good about how I look.

Mentally--I need to really truly come to grips with the fact that my ex is an abuser, he's NOT my ds's father (I mean he is, but he's not---you all know what I mean lol) and that I need nothing to do with him.

It would be nice to meet a man and date because I just liked him, not because I NEED a man. When I don't need a man to feel good about myself (I say that in a general way, not that I'm always that way, but I still get to feeling kind of "needy" sometimes), that's when I'll really be ready, I think. That's how I'll know I'm healed from all the crap in my past and ready to start over.

I think I need at least another 6 months to a year. At LEAST. maybe more. It's fine, I'm not in a rush.

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#19 of 29 Old 03-15-2008, 03:00 AM
 
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Jrayn!

I just looked at your linked photobucket. What a cute photo!
thank you


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Just thought I would say that dp and I started dating when I was still lactating (just in the weaning process) and he thought it was hot. He can't wait till I am again.
I was more weirded out by it than he was.
that takes a special kinda guy


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An eligible dairy farmer bachelor might be intrigued...
hmmmmm now theres a rare find


I am not ready to date for a number of reasons but today I discovered I may be terrified of attractive men :
I saw this hot guy at the library, looking in the section I was, which was on pagan type books, which is not exactly a popular subject in my Christian dominant little town, and I went out of my way to avoid looking at him after I looked at him once, and was trying to keep my distance even though he was looking RIGHT where I needed to look to get the book I wanted, I was completely nervous... over what??? I am such a dork.

oh and 2 mins later an older man walks by and what do I do? SMILE give eye contact and say "hi"
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#20 of 29 Old 03-15-2008, 05:04 AM
 
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well - I've made very, very bad choices in relationships so far and I know that I need to work on myself, get some therapy. I also know that I"m too emotionally fragile still after all the years of verbal/physical/emotional abuse.

The more practical reason is that I've got sole custody of 5 children ages 8 and under. I don't have a lot of help/support at all and don't have the money for babysitters very often or the time/energy to put into dating.

the sole custody of 5 kids thing scares guys right off anyway, so it's not like I've had a lot of interest.

I figure that for now I need to focus on parenting my kids, trying to just build friendships and community and trying to get counselling for me and my children. If something is meant to happen down the road - it will and down the road the kids would be old enough that I wouldn't have to get a sitter - they would have their own social lives, jobs, hopefully be reponsible enough for me to go out to dinner or something and leave them. But that's probably at least 5 + years down the road.

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#21 of 29 Old 03-15-2008, 09:02 PM
 
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I have to get over some bad relationship patterns, too. My pattern is to be perfectly happy on my own and then get involved with someone, committing myself right away and ignoring whole forests of red flags. The result for me is that I honestly don't mind if I ever get into an exclusive, committed relationship again. I like being independant, having my own space, making my own schedule, and just living how I want instead of filling some stupid 'role'. I haven't completely lost hope of being able to have all those things and be in a relationship, too, but I'm not in a hurry to find it.

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#22 of 29 Old 03-15-2008, 10:47 PM
 
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I am thinking I will need to wait until my dd2 is old enough to be left w/ a sitter - I don't think me nursing a baby on a date as an option... if I want a 2nd one
heehee, I think that too, but if the guy was any good at all...it wouldn't matter.

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Originally Posted by PixieAlly View Post
I need to figure out HOW to date! I tend to either become immediately attached to someone (see them every day, move in quickly, etc...) or go out on one date and then never see the person again. I don't know why I can't get a happy balance between the two. Not sure how I'm going to figure that one out though.
Ally
Amen to that.

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#23 of 29 Old 03-16-2008, 02:24 AM
 
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I'm pretty sure I don't ever want to date again. Too much hassle, I have too much baggage that has become a part of me. I don't want to have to explain my life to anyone ever again, it's just too weird and too difficult. I'm trying the repression approach these days and that pretty much negates meeting anyone new...
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#24 of 29 Old 03-16-2008, 02:57 AM
 
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Ugh. I was out having a great time with a friend; a guy comes in and she's anxious to introduce us. He's a lawyer, and she asks his advice about dealing with a guy who put up photos of her online...and this oh-so-"progressive", "feminist" man's question: "Did you look good? Then what are you worried about?" Like idiots, we explain that this is demeaning, that women are objectified and victimized, that there are safety issues when you have children to protect. "Oh, so this is about the childrunnnn," this jerk says, and goes wandering off about how if this were France nobody would care, how he wouldn't care if anyone saw him naked, etc.

Meanwhile, I advise her to contact the networking site and have the photos taken down before more people have a chance to click and save; talk with her about legal options; explain how she can assure her mother that no one can click on the photo to find her name and address.

Forget it. Just forget it. Why waste time hoping that maybe the 3926th guy will give a rat's ass about the status of women, or find anything more interesting than his own penis? I mean if you find that entrancing, then go to it, but after 25 years of it I've had enough. I thanked my friend for the reminder about why I don't date. The nice thing about being this old is that I can skip being polite, and tell guys like this not to come near me or my daughter. There's no reason to put up with them.
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#25 of 29 Old 03-16-2008, 12:38 PM
 
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O. M. G. That guy sounds like such a total a$$hat. And, sadly, typical.

I know there are good ones out there, but who has the time?

I kwym about not being polite, there just comes a point where you don't bother.
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#26 of 29 Old 03-16-2008, 12:56 PM
 
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My baby needs to get through babyhood, which I am deliciously enjoying and refuse to rush!

Also, time and money for counseling for me is needed. No sense in not learning from past mistakes!
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#27 of 29 Old 03-16-2008, 02:24 PM
 
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Ugh. I was out having a great time with a friend; a guy comes in and she's anxious to introduce us. He's a lawyer, and she asks his advice about dealing with a guy who put up photos of her online...and this oh-so-"progressive", "feminist" man's question: "Did you look good? Then what are you worried about?" Like idiots, we explain that this is demeaning, that women are objectified and victimized, that there are safety issues when you have children to protect. "Oh, so this is about the childrunnnn," this jerk says, and goes wandering off about how if this were France nobody would care, how he wouldn't care if anyone saw him naked, etc.

Meanwhile, I advise her to contact the networking site and have the photos taken down before more people have a chance to click and save; talk with her about legal options; explain how she can assure her mother that no one can click on the photo to find her name and address.

Forget it. Just forget it. Why waste time hoping that maybe the 3926th guy will give a rat's ass about the status of women, or find anything more interesting than his own penis? I mean if you find that entrancing, then go to it, but after 25 years of it I've had enough. I thanked my friend for the reminder about why I don't date. The nice thing about being this old is that I can skip being polite, and tell guys like this not to come near me or my daughter. There's no reason to put up with them.
Mama41, I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels totally disillusioned about men. I used to feel a lot more open minded, figuring they were just people, too, and there had to be some good and some bad. But there are certain things that seem to come with the territory- why bother trying to search out the one in a million that might not think with his genitals all the time? Getting married and having married friends pretty much turned me into a man-hater, I'm afraid. All the married women I know are either angrily tolerating unfair behavior, or viewing it as a spiritual excercize. Just give me a virtual kick in the pants if I ever come on here saying how in love I am, because it'll probably be just what I need to get my brain in gear!

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#28 of 29 Old 03-16-2008, 03:43 PM
 
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All the married women I know are either angrily tolerating unfair behavior, or viewing it as a spiritual excercize.
Wow. I so hear you on that, especially the spiritual-exercise part. Most of my women friends are married, and every time I talk to most of them, esp the SAHMs or those with the clearly secondary careers, this is what I hear. And the thing is they're married to nice men. Every one. They aren't bums, they aren't crazy, they don't drink, they care about their children and spend time with them, they bathe and keep themselves reasonably healthy, they're grownups with serious professions and don't spend all day in front of video games, they aren't crazy workaholics, but they support the family in beautiful style. I like them all and enjoy talking with them. As far as husbandland goes, they're about as good as it gets. And yet.

The ones I don't hear it from are the primary breadwinners. It's the women who are doctors (and the husbands aren't doctors too) -- ER, trauma, surgery. They don't talk much about their husbands at all.

I have a friend who's just recently started a relationship with a guy she's been after for years, the son of a Famous Writer. My friend's a writer, too, just getting started after selling her first book. And she's suddenly noticed that the guy's 8-5 work schedule seems to trump her non-schedule. She wants to marry him and maybe have kids. I'm trying to warn her to make backup plans now, because if they have kids under the current setup, she'll fight to get five hours a week to herself for writing. His work will be the important work, and someone will have to take care of the kids, and that'll be her, and there won't be money for nannies (which she'll have to find and hire and manage on her own so that she can do her work, though the guy will happily walk out the door and go to work without a care)...unless it comes from Famous Writer, which is not a good situation.

She doesn't want to believe it because he's a wonderful feminist man whose mother trained him and whose brother is a SAHD. I ask her if the SIL makes a lot of money. Yes; she's a doctor. Not a writer who scrapes together $15K/yr from teaching jobs. I point out that if they have children, someone will have to make money, and the guy she likes makes enough for a family. Just think about it, I told her. And have a Plan B.

As far as men friends go...I find we get along fine so long as we cut a wide swath around certain subjects, and I can ignore the way that, at bottom, they think of women, and what they think women ought to want and/or take seriously.
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#29 of 29 Old 03-18-2008, 05:11 AM
 
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It's nice to see this thread; I always feel like a freak seeing all the dating threads.

The main reason is that I'm enjoying my daughter and there's no guy worthy of taking up any of the time I do have with her(I'm a full time student). I can't see that changing for several more years.
Another reason is that I have so many goals and no time for a guy in there. I don't even have enough time for myself! I want to concentrate on my various careers and get my life in order before I add something new to the mix.
And the other reason is that I'm so flipping picky. This is really scary to realize, but my last boyfriend was in 03. I was involved with several guys after that, but since my daughter was born in 05 I have yet to meet a guy I'm interested in.
The awesome thing is that I'm (usually) totally at peace with this. I'm really loving our teeny tiny family just the way it is, loving not worrying about dating for once, and knowing that I have plenty of time whenever I'm ready.
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