Taxes and living with parents with kids - Mothering Forums

 
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#1 of 8 Old 03-26-2008, 06:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I live with my mom- again. I moved out at 20 and was married until I was 31 with three kids. I divorced my husband and went to my mom's with the kids- but we're still here. I've had mental health issues in the last year or two, which has mad it hard for me to work, although i have managed to hold a couple jobs AND I went back to school for a while. (College).

The thing is, my mom has always claimed my kids and this hits me weird. That is nearly 4k per year. I am struggling here and I KNOW rationally that she's supporting us and we live in a great place, but I feel if I had the tax refund I could feel more independent. Its hard. I'll be 36 on Friday. So this year's taxes are done and she's crying to me that they'll be in a whole lot of trouble if she doesn't claim all 3 of my kids. But they just bought a VERY nice used car, have a motorhome..... It just hits wrong somehow. I can never get ahead- although admittedly I'm not living the the ghetto. To top everything off, she's told my kids that we're going to Disney World in October! Unless she pays for all of it, I don't think we can go. Not fair to them! It isn't like I want to go on a spending spree. I have quite a few bills, but most of all, I have a car that is over 200K miles and I'm in desperate need of a replacement.

As a side note, my ex- refuses to have the kids any longer than we "agreed". For example, he comes over exactly- and no sooner- than when he said, and leaves at 8 p.m. - not even making sure the kids are truely in bed yet! So last night, I ask him to get our daughter at the normal time, rather than an hour later as he'd decided- and he called me on the phone and called me a "psychotic crazy B*"! and hung up.
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#2 of 8 Old 03-26-2008, 08:57 PM
 
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I think you're old enough to decide how to do your own tax return, whether or not you live with your parents. I don't think your mother has any right at all to claim the children without your permission. They are *your* children, after all.

You need to get out on your own and be independent, it sounds like your mother has control issues. Sometimes parents with these issues sabotage (often unconsciously) their grown children's attempts at independence. I struggled with coming out from underneath this type of treatment all through my 20s...just now getting to a place where I can take care of myself (will be 30 next month). It's hard, but you can do it.

Talk to your mother. Tell her how you feel. Don't let her intimidate or silence you. Make known that you are an adult now, and that you will be deciding how to run your own life and raise your children.
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#3 of 8 Old 03-26-2008, 09:23 PM
 
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Did your mother provide half or more of you or your children's financial support this year? That includes cost of housing, food, etc. If she did, then yes, legally, she can claim them - whether you have to approve it would be for a tax atty. to decide. I am not one so ??

I think you need to get on your feet, and out of their house, but you also need to respect that she is provding you with housing, meals, and various sundries. Rent plus utilities alone would run well voer the 4k your mom gets back. Now the thing to check is which one of you stands to gain more when caliming them, but if she's not charging you a fair amount to live there, etc. then yes, I'd feel shes entitled to claim them as she's supporting them and that makes them dependents.
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#4 of 8 Old 03-27-2008, 04:19 PM
 
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My mom gave me a "hard time" about not being able to claim ME as a dependent

In response to PP about your mom not charging you rent, the other way to look at it is how much is it costing your mom to have you live there? if she doesn't pay for your food, gas, car insurance, etc, I"ll bet it's not much.

I understand the feeling you're talking about. You just don't feel like a grown up when you share a house with your parents, and having them claim YOUR kid as a dependent deepens the thorn. In some cultures it's perfectly normal, since it's so practical, but in ours it's a badge of failure in some sense.

It does sound to me like Your mom's awfully controlling. That's got to be hard and I'm sure you're itching to get out of there for a lot of reasons, and your reasons for staying are strong as well.

I agree that working out how to get back the most amount of money is a good way to settle it.

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#5 of 8 Old 03-28-2008, 05:25 AM
 
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At the end of the day adults need their own space so I suggest you begin to get healthy, find a way to work and get established on your own as soon as possible.

The issue seems deeper than the taxes. Is there maybe frustration because of independance issues which also leads to finances? Not something to answer for me, but something for you to think about.

"There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting." - Buddha.
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#6 of 8 Old 03-28-2008, 10:56 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kokonutmama View Post
In response to PP about your mom not charging you rent, the other way to look at it is how much is it costing your mom to have you live there? if she doesn't pay for your food, gas, car insurance, etc, I"ll bet it's not much.

I just want to point out that this is the same argument some men use as to why their child support is more than adequate. I mean, if you incurred those expenses any way, why should they have to help? It is illogical at the best of times, and as a homeowner who has had people think this way of me, its offensive. Don't get me wrong. If my best friend came and said, can I stay for X time while I get back on my feet? I'd say sure and set very clear boundaries, and it would be under 6 months. If my child moves back in as an adult for a couple YEARS, yes, I expect them to put forth money towards my expenses that I otherwise incur b/c frankly, I don't like sharing my space - that is an intangible cost to me (as are the higher utilities and wear on my home from 3 children!!). IN fact, I honestly don't think 2 grown women, not in a love relationship, should ever share a space for long.....Its just a personal assertion that the hormones tend to run amok...even with moms and daughters. So, legally can you prevent her from claiming them? I doubt it. But it sounds like you're going to have to get on your feet on your own and as quickly as possible. Do you have job training etc? While you still have help, do it quick. Look at things like welding - many UAs offer a 16 week course to apprenticeship and you then make upwards of 18$ per hour and can choose your jobs and do whatever you like. Or nuring, longer course, but many places of business will allow you to work as an LPN and pay for you to get your RN. Whatever you do, if you want to be on your feet and not have her claim them in the future, get out as quickly as is feasible.
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#7 of 8 Old 03-29-2008, 07:18 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Kierdan'sMom View Post
I just want to point out that this is the same argument some men use as to why their child support is more than adequate. I mean, if you incurred those expenses any way, why should they have to help? It is illogical at the best of times, and as a homeowner who has had people think this way of me, its offensive.
I'm sincerely sorry to have offended you. Your comments actually stung me too. Not that you shouldn't have made them, but the implication that we who live with others while we get onto our feet, be it for days or years, are (a) costing an emotional toll on our beneficiaries that needs somehow to be paid back and that we're not somehow contributing to the household in a non-monetary way and (b) not trying hard enough to get the f out of dodge because two women sharing a kitchen is just not right, both seem unsympathetic, or lacking understanding.

I still don't think the perspective of cost incurred is illogical; I'd have to hear more of your argument to convince me of that one.

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#8 of 8 Old 04-01-2008, 09:56 PM
 
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Kokonutmama :

I'm not a fan of the 'you're living in my house so it's my way or the highway' mentality, either. Lived under that shadow for many years, and it did me and my son considerable harm.

I believe any two people (or more) can live under any one roof as long as there is mutual respect and understanding. I don't believe owning a home or providing financial assistance to a relative or friend in need gives one free reign over another's life decisions. Owning a home does not make one a better or more worthy or more intelligent or more responsible or more moral person. It just makes you a homeowner. In my opinion (and experience) those that use their status as homeowners as an excuse to control and manipulate others who ask for their help are not people you want to live with.

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