Am i asking to much? - Mothering Forums

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Old 03-28-2008, 10:44 AM - Thread Starter
 
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For my boyfriend, Just some thoughts that came into my head and wanted you to be aware of them. I think you’re an amazing man who is so caring, sweet, kind and someone I feel so comfortable with, with any problems I am having or just by just being myself. I never felt this comfortable with anyone else. You are truly a person who ever come in contact with you, is blessed to have you in their life, you are a one of a kind person. I try my best to make you happy and to not do the thing you don’t like (smoking). You are a person I want in my life for a longgggg time. I appreciate all of your kindness you show me and tell me, but it seems like once you leave my home in the morning it seems like you put me out of your life. I know I get a message from you in the morning through e-mail but it is because I send you one first. I know you are busy with your job, but is it that hard to make me feel like I still matter to you in the mornings, Is it that hard to share what’s going on in your life, how you are feeling etc. I asked you last night if you are ever going to tell your kids about me and you said yeah maybe someday. How does that make me feel? Like you really don’t care if they know about me or not. I understand your hesitation cause of your ex wife but it doesn’t make me feel any good when you said yeah maybe someday. I think it would have been a lot better if you would of said something like, honey I am going to tell them when I feel the time is right. Want to give it more time since we haven’t been dating for very long yet. Maybe I am asking too much but I just feel you need to know how I feel. I do appreciate that you said you wanted to spend some time alone with me and I feel it is also important to spend time alone with out my kids. I am looking forward to it and my hamburgers. LOL I love you!!Lisa

What is your opinion? Am I asking to much. Will you help me re-word it so it sounds like a adult wrote it thanks, My writing stinks. Thanks
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Old 03-28-2008, 11:31 AM
 
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Sweetie, it does sound immature and needy. Is there a real need to send a note at all ? Is this the one you wanted to get a special gift for the other week?

Is he helping you financially?

My tendancy would be to back way off. If a guy isn't doing what I prefer in terms of contact and introductions, he's probably not the guy for me if I have to spoon feed that. It's probably not going to change.

OR, he needs the space to come to that on his own and if he always gets emails and notes from you he doesn't have to step up.

Many people do not introduce someone they date to the kids. It is normally a reflection on how committed they feel in the relationship. You mention you haven't been dating long--so I don't think it is weird not to be mentioned to them yet. Yes, he could have been more tactful but that happens.

I suggest changing the focus here from him to you.
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Old 03-28-2008, 02:22 PM
 
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I agree with OhtheIrony.

I wouldn't send it. If you do, you may very well push him out the door.

We all like to be with someone who shares things with us and sends messages and such, but when we feel we need it, that tells me that there's something going on inside me that I need to fulfill in myself. You're looking for him to validate you by expressing himself, telling his kids about you etc. T

Trust that if he's there in the relationship and interested in being there, it will all unfold in the perfect timing...and if not, it wasn't meant to be.
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Old 03-28-2008, 02:25 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Oh the Irony View Post
My tendancy would be to back way off. If a guy isn't doing what I prefer in terms of contact and introductions, he's probably not the guy for me if I have to spoon feed that. It's probably not going to change.

OR, he needs the space to come to that on his own and if he always gets emails and notes from you he doesn't have to step up.

:

Please don't send this note to him. Not knowing your situation, I think it would be healthy for you to find something to boost your self-esteem. In my experience no man can love you and make a relationship last if you don't first love yourself. I often feel lonely and there are men interested in me but I know, I am not ready to date because I need to work on myself & I'm okay with that.

Take the time you need to better yourself for you and your child(ren)! The men will come...

"There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting." - Buddha.
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Old 03-28-2008, 04:41 PM
 
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Honey, don't send that letter. I agree that you need to focus on you for a little bit and put him on the backburner. I'm not saying you need to let him go but I think you need to focus in growing in confidence and dignity. Confidence is about the hottest thing a woman can wear and when you feel it growing I think you can safely have an adult convo with him about your needs that is not needy or pleading. Be honest about what you want and if he's not ready to give it you can walk away with your head held high. Being a single mama is hard and you need to be your own top priority sometimes.
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Old 03-28-2008, 05:34 PM
 
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I think I might be the female version of your boyfriend. I don't discuss my relationships with my dd, never have, and I don't plan on it unless I am seriously considering marriage. If I go out on a date, I leave my house and meet them in another location. I would invite them to my house, IF my dd was in another location. My dd has had her dad walk out of her life, and now my dad (who was the closest version to a dad she knew, even more than her own) is getting married and moving on with his life. She's had enough people leave (my mom and grandmother both dd was close to died within 6 weeks of each other in the fall of 2006) I don't want to create any more situations of loss in her life. (This is just my life, I don't know your bf's reasons, these are just mine).

My life is busy, and if I got a note like yours (not saying there is anything wrong with your feelings, this is just how I feel in my life, and I'm trying to give the other side of maybe what your bf feels like) I would back off of the relationship and possibly end it. I have dated people that wanted me to remind them that I was thinking about them, and I ended it. When I am with them, I am with them and I am devoted and all my energy is focused on them. When I am away and busy, I am living my life, and I am not interested in calling/emailing/texting them just to remind them that I am thinking about them. I am just that type of person. I need my space, and while I am willing to compromise on this issue (because if it were up to me, I would go 2-3 days without talking to a person I'm dating and think nothing of it) I will never be a person that is a more than once a day talker. Once a day is as much as I can give, and I would totally fall for a person who gave me the space to go a couple of days without the how are you, how was your day conversation.

I wish you the best in your relationship. Please don't send that note.

* One more thing. I really don't want you to think I'm picking on you but when people use the term "how do you think that makes me feel" or when I want to ask this to another person. I try to step back for a moment, and think deeper about myself. How do I feel, is this a reaction to what they did/said or is this say more about me and how I feel about myself.

Let's imagine that he doesn't want his kids to know about you. That he doesn't care if they know you exist. Does that change how you feel about him, or does that change how you feel about yourself?

Just something to think about.

-Janna, independent mother of dd, Ms. Mattie Sky born on my 25th birthday, 06*23*2000. My Mama Feb.21,1938-Sept.10,2006
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Old 03-28-2008, 06:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for all the advice. I got rid of the letter.
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Old 03-28-2008, 10:19 PM
 
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Journal

Okay if you want to tell him how much you feel about him SHOW HIM
Smoking - start quitting methods - sometimes the effort is enough to ease his issues around it even if you fail.

Quote:
I asked you last night if you are ever going to tell your kids about me and you said yeah maybe someday. How does that make me feel? Like you really don’t care if they know about me or not.
okay something I learned about men if you want to have a deep conversation about your feelings let them know its comming and ask them when is a good time...they usually come out with hurtful hallmark card moments if surprised

get a sitter rock his world

and it sounds like a job, an exwife, kids, girlfriend that is one busy dude be his soft spot to land.

8 might be enough
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Old 03-29-2008, 05:20 AM
 
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most smooth talkers are liars
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Old 03-29-2008, 06:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We talked about the issues and everything is fine, I am a insecure person but it will all work out in the end. Thanks again all.
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Old 03-29-2008, 07:28 PM
 
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I'm glad everything worked out. We all have our problems with insecurities and so it's good to get a second opinion....I wish I had done it more.
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Old 03-31-2008, 09:17 AM
 
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I have found with my current relationship that things are very much different when children are involved when dating. I had similar feelings as you did, but I went even further, asking my GF to commit to me and my children when she wasn't even close to ready. She never wanted kids, so this is a huge step for her. My pushing really messed things up for awhile. Once I stepped back and just let the relationship happen, everything went much smoother. I realized that I need to focus on what is best for me and my kids. That is #1 priority. When I make decisions, rarely do I think about how it will affect my relationship with my GF and think the most about how it will affect me and my kids. I did get to a point where I needed more of a commitment though (after 2 years of dating) and basically told my GF that either we needed to start having conversations on living together or I needed to move on. We now have some basic ideas on what that might look like for the future.

The point of this is that I think it is hugely important to have your relationship with a significant other to be second to the life you are creating for you and your children. It took me time to figure it out, but I am SO MUCH happier as a person because I can be independent from my GF.

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