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Mom2Joseph 03-28-2008 04:13 PM

my son is falling apart.... that makes *me* fall apart. Dh left on Wed. and seems happier than ever. I"m here picking up the pieces and not doing very well. And my sweet, sweet DS (4 on monday) is just a mess. He is on the spectrum.

Please - what can I do to help him adjust? How can I adjust better? I'm ok if I don't talk to DH but when we do I am a mess. I"m supposed to leave the house tonight so DH can spend the night with the kids. (nesting arrangement) I'm never away from them for this long. I'm devestated over leaving them. : I don't want my babies to think I'm leaving them too. How am I going to make it till tomorrow???

This is all so hard. I can't imagine how I'll adjust. But I have more support than most people and it is probably better he is gone for now but still.

I don't know what to say or do. I don't post much here because he reads my posts (or he did) but I have no one to talk to who understands.

ButterflyStarburst 03-28-2008 04:21 PM

Girl, figure out a way to either 1. block him from access here (sign out and change your password/username) or 2. get past whatever you think will happen if he reads the TRUTH about himself, and take care of you.

That's what you can do for your little ones. I learned that the hard way. Sacrificing myself so much that i'm not well, is NOT good for my kid. Take care of you! Since this is a 'have to' situation, try not to think about it as 'leaving'. You're not. You're going out to get a massage, or a mani/pedi, or have a girls night with a friend. Things that all Mama's single or married or partnered, take time to do. Try to see it as not a big deal, and just one of those things that Mama's do to keep their sanity. (in fact, this WILL help you keep your sanity. i'm not lying!)

It's tough. i KNOW it's tough. But you can do this. For yourself, and your little ones. Take a deep breath, figure out a way to have the support system you need (which includes MDC!) and just know that you can do this.

Your best bet with DS is just to acknowledge how he's feeling. "Yes i know you miss Daddy. You will see Daddy when he comes to visit tomorrow night." etc. It kills me when my DS cries for Daddy, whom he doesn't even know (and it's usually when DS is upset with me that he's crying), but i hug him, tell him it's ok to miss Daddy, and that he'll be able to talk to him on the phone later that night. I know it doesn't sound like much, but it's simple, and the best thing you can do for your children is just to BE there for them.

Hugs to you Mama!

MsChatsAlot 03-28-2008 05:09 PM

This is all so new and very fresh. Everyone is going to grieve. It's okay. I'd be more concerned if your child showed no emotion or response. Grieving a loss is healthy, it is normal, it's a process we go through to get ourselves to the other side.

What your kids need is for you to be honest with them. Share your life with them, be who you are with them and love them. They will see that you do come home, that you are consistent in their lives and you do love them.

They will see that it's hard for you too, that you are grieivng and when you feel like you're able to move forward again, you'll start to heal yourself, grow and be a stronger person.

Everything is so new. Take time to just be and ease into this transition. It is hard at first, but it does get easier with time.

Wishing you all some peace & comfort.

firstwomantomars 03-28-2008 06:37 PM


Hang in there!

One thing I think helps tremendously in times like these is to make sure you give high priority to having some time to yourself EVERY DAY! Even 15 minutes to yourself, to sip some tea/coffee, take a bath, read a book, uninterrupted, will do wonders for you and for your relationship with the children as you get work through this.

Good luck and take care,

mamagoose 03-28-2008 07:22 PM

Oh mama, hang in there. Your babies will be ok. They know you love them, they know you're not leaving them. Let your kids know it's ok to be sad, or to be angry, and help them find ways to express that. It's also ok for them to see you sad. This is a time of tremendous transition, change and grief; be gentle on yourselves, and good to yourselves. Is there an activity your ds particularly likes doing with you, that you can schedule for right after you come back? something you both can look forward to?

Wishing you and your sweet dc peace during this hard time.

SabraMamma 03-28-2008 09:16 PM

StrongSingleMama 03-29-2008 01:39 AM

I sent you a pm.

pranamama 03-29-2008 04:17 AM

you don't have to nest if it feels like abandoning your dc to you.

Mom2Joseph 03-29-2008 07:50 PM

I made it. Barely.

My son said good bye but when I got to my car I heard him screaming and pounding on the door for me! I went back in, loved on him and left when he was ok. My parents took me to dinner and I fell asleep exhausted after fighting with H on the phone for what felt like forever.

I got them today at noon! Yipee!!! Early! They were dirty, tired and hadn't had a bath or had their teeth brushed! So gross. They went to bed before 6pm because they were so exhausted and over done.

We agreed that I could stay next Friday if I wanted too but I think we had all just get used to it because this is how it will be.

Today my DS was on the swing with me. We were laughing and I told him that I loved him no matter what. He spoke very low - almost a whisper - and told me he would never leave me again. He told me I was his best friend.

I basically cried and was hysterical every time my H and I talked. Which was more than once. By late today I was just done. I'm done trying, I"m done watching my babies go through this - for what? To beg him to come home and then have him leave again??? I won't put my babies through that.

I have found some strength in giving up and accepting reality. There is no other way. They need me. I need them too.

I know this post doesn't make much sense - but thank you so much for the kind words, the PM's, the encouragement. It gave the strength this afternoon to get strong for my babies.

BelovedK 03-29-2008 08:01 PM

MsChatsAlot 03-30-2008 10:52 AM

Feeling stuck, hurt, upset is so powerless.

Feeling strong, is powerful.

I'm glad you were able to shift yesterday.

You may still have ups and downs, but at least you know you have the strength and courage to get through this...for yourself and your children.

Much love to you along this journey.

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