Voluntarily giving up custody? - Page 3 - Mothering Forums
Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#61 of 153 Old 05-03-2008, 10:27 PM
 
Rosehip's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,787
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by blessed View Post
I don't think we should adopt lower parenting standards for women just because men are often lousy at it, and we have come not to expect much out of them.
Here, here.

Good God, if many of the single moms I know lowered their standards to those of their children's fathers, those kids would be in a sad way...
Rosehip is offline  
#62 of 153 Old 05-03-2008, 10:28 PM
 
thismama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Nursing the revolution
Posts: 14,356
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Oh well in that case let's just keep excusing men and ganging up on women.
thismama is offline  
#63 of 153 Old 05-03-2008, 10:34 PM
 
klg47's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Utah
Posts: 1,655
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by shadeshaman View Post
Uh, don't a lot of men forget this, too? And they don't get dumped on like women do. I think that's where CJ is coming from.
What if this were a dad posting that his new wife had a post in Alaska, and he wanted to teach up there, so he was considering surrendering custody of his kid to his ex? Would people come down on him half as hard?
OK, yeah I can see what you're saying. Although if that's the case, I'm not sure why she chose to post it here, because reina is a woman and she was asking the question for herself. What people think of men who do the same thing is really irrelevant. And I certainly hope that people would think any man who moves away from his kids is making a terrible choice. I can't think of anyone I know in real life who would condone it. I'm sure there are people out there who think that way, but I'm from a very family-oriented area and haven't come across many.
klg47 is offline  
#64 of 153 Old 05-03-2008, 10:39 PM
 
chrissy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: north carolina
Posts: 5,772
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
well, i, for one, would tell a father the exact same thing as i did this mother: don't do it.

i don't care if you're a man or a woman, when you are a parent to a child, your number one responsibility is to them.

for pete's sake, this community supports ATTACHMENT PARENTING. how on earth is that compatible with giving up custody of your 5 year old so you can move to a cool new locale with your new man- or woman?

Chrissy, lucky mama to Noah (9), Lilah (6), Rowan (3) and Laney (1).
chrissy is offline  
#65 of 153 Old 05-03-2008, 10:43 PM
 
thismama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Nursing the revolution
Posts: 14,356
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I don't support a parent moving away from their child. But this thread and the other one I saw remind me that there is definitely one standard for men and another, much meaner more vicious standard, reserved for women. And I think that sucks for everyone.
thismama is offline  
#66 of 153 Old 05-03-2008, 10:52 PM
 
SarahGuinn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Posts: 1,123
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think thismama is doing nothing more than diverting this discussion in an entirely different direction that has nothing to do with the discussion.

Don't do it.

If you have a gender reassignment surgery first, I will not cut you anymore slack than if you keep your vagina and decide to do it then.

I understand the urge to wander. With the children I've created and love with me.
SarahGuinn is offline  
#67 of 153 Old 05-03-2008, 10:52 PM
 
skai's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Yurp
Posts: 448
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Of course there is a double standard. But how does bringing up "men do it too!" help the OP or her child?

OP: Don't do it. Your child's needs need to come first.
skai is offline  
#68 of 153 Old 05-03-2008, 10:54 PM
 
Cutie Patootie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Pittsburgh Area
Posts: 4,950
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by cjuniverse View Post
OP, you are getting a lot of very undeserved heat for this not because what you are considering is bad, but because it is so unthinkable to so many here because of deeply ingrained societal norms about female behavior and 'mothering'. I am shaking with anger and sadness at the prejudice and bigotry, the hate and intolerance behind some of these comments. Shaking. You are being shamed and humiliated for no other reason than people's inability to think beyond the parameters of what they've been taught. Inability or refusal...I can't decide which is worse!

See, we can never do enough as woman period, let alone as mothers. Give enough. Be enough. Be good enough. I know you all know this. We all do. We all feel it. We all suffer it. Worse, we all perpetuate it, on ourselves and on each other. It's become a sort of cathartic thing we do to make ourselves feel better about our lot. You're encountering jealousy and resentment on the part of those who may have had similar thoughts, but were discouraged away from them by themselves/others. We are never good enough parents, friends, lovers, whatever. Because we are women. Women are less, and therefore never good enough. You can see it some of these responses...the giving up of all hopes and dreams, the relinquishing of all desires not related to giving endlessly, to sacrificing endlessly for children and everyone around us. The guilt and shame associated with doing for yourself as a female. There are reasons for this...and they do not serve women, trust me. The deep-seated hatred of self as female, and identifying with the larger culture that tells us that once we have children, our lives as autonomous people end (indeed, if they ever began...women are defined in relation to others from birth)...forever. No matter how old they get, no matter where they go...our children come first. Period. No matter what we have to give up, how important it is to us, how vital it is to our well-being and sanity...once we reproduce, tough. We don't matter. What we want doesn't matter. What we need doesn't matter. Only our children (lovers, husbands, friends, whoever) matter. This cannot and does not send a healthy or fair message to children or anyone. It is not a good example or precedent to set. It continues the cycle of sacrifice, dependency, and patriarchy, really. As long as we put others before ourselves, we will never be strong or united enough to do for ourselves. Simple and scary, and very effective thus far in history!

Thismama hit the nail on the head. Few people would come down on a man for moving away from a child for work (or for anything we crap on mothers for doing...just showing up gets men kudos most of the time). Because men are men and their desires and needs and personhood are give space and respect. Not so for women. Our relationships (especially to children) come first to the exclusion of all else, always. We have no right to put ourselves first, ever, but especially in regards to children. Constant, unrelenting, martyring sacrifice always. Self-fulfillment? Never, or fragmented or extremely rarely. Some may pay lip-service to holding men to the same (impossible, inhuman) standard as women, but in reality all the hate and hurt is heaped on our heads no matter what. Never gives enough. Never good enough. Bad woman. Bad mother. Bad person.

You're catching heat for even suggesting this because most women have bought the line wholeheartedly that they are nothing without their lovers and children and friends. We can't survive on our own, and we certainly shouldn't want to do anything on our own, or do something for just ourselves, especially as mothers. Motherhood is supposed to be the be all and end all of our existence, the only thing we value, the only thing that matters. Abandoning that is the ultimate transgression as a woman. We never put ourselves first, and if we do, we prepare to be torn apart by everyone around us for not toeing the line...we prepare to be called selfish, heartless, evil, horrible, mindless, careless, reckless. We prepare to lose all the respect and love of our friends and allies (or at least, those who we thought were friends and allies). We prepare for the most cruel of insults and actions. We prepare to be told we don't really love and care for our children. We prepare to be ostracized and turned into pariahs for acting like human beings instead of all-giving, all-sacrificing mental, emotional, and physical atm machines...always ready to give to and reward others, never allowed to do so for ourselves. No matter what. With a smile on our faces.

That said, I think you should take a closer look at your own particular situation and be sure your son's father can and is willing and would do well to be your son's sole caretaker for a long period of time. Talk to your son as well. Be sure he understands the situation and how it would be as much as he can. Excitement about new possibility is not wrong, but can sometimes cloud our judgment about what's right.

Believe me, I understand the need to explore. To try new things. To wander. You are not wrong for having these urges, or for considering an alternative custody arrangement due to them. You are not wrong at all. You are human. You have every right to dream, and have goals and aspirations that do *not* center around others. I will even go so far as to say you have every right to be selfish, as all humans do. Certain types of selfishness are healthy, and keep us focused on the things we want that are good for us that others, due to influence from a society that tells us we are not allowed to have the things we actually want, but only what others want for us/expect from us, would deny us out of habit, convention, and pure hatred.

Your son is a child. He is not stupid. He is not made of glass. Human beings are not fragile and eternally vulnerable to every twist of fate. We have survived as long as we have as a species due to our ability to adapt to adversity and change. He will not fall apart if you leave, your relationship will not disappear/be destroyed. There is no one right way to live, or to parent, or to be. You know your son, your ex, and yourself. You know what the right decision for all of you is. You do not need to ask permission of anyone, but only do what you know is right in your situation. Whatever that is, mami, whatever that is, it's up to you and your family. Talk it out, think it out, then do what you feel is best. Let no one deter you from that. Let no one shame you for that. Live your live as YOU see fit, not as others see it. They don't have to walk in your shoes or suffer the consequences or bask in the benefits of your decisions. You do. Therefore, it's all on you.

Love does not equal sacrifice. Sacrifice does not equal love. Love can be a component of sacrifice and vice versa. But they are not the same.

Parents do not have to live with their children to be good parents. A good parent is loving, attentive, understanding, gentle, supportive, and kind. A good parent shows their children how to be strong, how to adapt, how to make the most of life. A good parent does not stop being human, stop being an individual because they have children. They teach their children balance by being good parents and good people who have their own lives, interests, will, and desires.

I think it is important that, as women and parents of sons especially, we hold on to our agency and teach our sons that women are not functions of other's needs, that we have the right to put ourselves first and to love ourselves and do for ourselves. If we teach them that women can be, are, and should be independent thinkers with lives of their own, they will not expect women to be doormats who live for everyone else but themselves. We teach them to love themselves (and most importantly, women) as we have loved ourselves.

Support and love for you and yours in this corner, mami!
Wow, do I disagree. What does any of this have to do with the op's situation? And what in the world does a father moving away from his child have to do with this?
The op is the one who, just 2 months ago received sole custody of the child we are speaking about because her ex had the child in the car while he was drunk...2 months ago.

Fathers moving away from their kids are the crap, the same as with mothers. The child has apparently always lived in the same home with his mother, so it is a big deal. It will damage her relationship with him, and though children are resilient, her decision to move away because "she has always wanted to live in Alaska...to teach in the bush...we won't have anytime to take care of him..." is sad to say the least. As parents it is irresponsible to have kids with the prerequisite thought, "I'll take care of said child, as long as he doesn't get in the way of what I want to do".

Tina ~ SAHcarrot.gif- head Mama to - 

  DS blowkiss.gif(07/'03), DD energy.gif(05'05), DS, unplanned UC sleepytime.gif(01/'09), DD joy.gif(06/'11) ...

SURPRISE!  dizzy.gifNew little one, due Sept. 2013

Cutie Patootie is offline  
#69 of 153 Old 05-03-2008, 11:28 PM
 
tresleo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 2,595
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm not quite understanding how you don't have enough time for your son anymore? At what point did that happen? How does that happen?

I am truly wondering...

Alaska or no Alaska, new husband or no new husband...this little boy needs his momma. And I think every adult involved could benefit from some good child psychology classes and/or therapy.
tresleo is offline  
#70 of 153 Old 05-03-2008, 11:35 PM
 
thismama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Nursing the revolution
Posts: 14,356
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by SarahGuinn View Post
I think thismama is doing nothing more than diverting this discussion in an entirely different direction that has nothing to do with the discussion.
Uhhh... thismama has expressed her opinion and is merely pointing out that there are pages of attacking this mother that men do not get. Hardly unrelated to the discussion.

Quote:
I understand the urge to wander. With the children I've created and love with me.
Which you cannot do if there is a custody agreement and another parent who has access.
thismama is offline  
#71 of 153 Old 05-03-2008, 11:36 PM
 
blessed's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,401
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama View Post
I don't support a parent moving away from their child. But this thread and the other one I saw remind me that there is definitely one standard for men and another, much meaner more vicious standard, reserved for women. And I think that sucks for everyone.
Not meaner. Just a higher standard.

Argue for holding men accountable for parenting. Don't argue for excusing women from basic accountability.
blessed is offline  
#72 of 153 Old 05-03-2008, 11:38 PM
 
thismama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Nursing the revolution
Posts: 14,356
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by blessed View Post
Not meaner. Just a higher standard.

Argue for holding men accountable for parenting. Don't argue for excusing women from basic accountability.
And I am arguing for excusing women exactly where? Nowhere. I am saying there is a double standard and that it sucks, and we should remember that as we gang up on the OP for her question. That's it.

It's pretty hilarious because here I'm getting told I'm 'excusing women from basic accountability' for pointing this out, and when I argue for holding men to higher standards I get told I'm bitter. Hmmm. It's kinda no win when you try to point out the inconsistency... you get shot down either way and onward it goes.
thismama is offline  
#73 of 153 Old 05-03-2008, 11:40 PM
 
Cutie Patootie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Pittsburgh Area
Posts: 4,950
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by MonkeyPrincess View Post
I'm not quite understanding how you don't have enough time for your son anymore? At what point did that happen? How does that happen?

I am truly wondering...

Alaska or no Alaska, new husband or no new husband...this little boy needs his momma. And I think every adult involved could benefit from some good child psychology classes and/or therapy.
:

Tina ~ SAHcarrot.gif- head Mama to - 

  DS blowkiss.gif(07/'03), DD energy.gif(05'05), DS, unplanned UC sleepytime.gif(01/'09), DD joy.gif(06/'11) ...

SURPRISE!  dizzy.gifNew little one, due Sept. 2013

Cutie Patootie is offline  
#74 of 153 Old 05-03-2008, 11:42 PM
 
blessed's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,401
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I don't think the right thing is to stop trying to veer this mama off from leaving her child. I think the right thing is to attack wayward men with equal fervor.

And yes, there is a double standard. Here and in too many scenarios to detail.

ETA: I see your edit. We're almost double posting . I think you're taking the hit for everyone not coming down on the OP, even though your views are moderate.
blessed is offline  
#75 of 153 Old 05-03-2008, 11:43 PM
 
Cutie Patootie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Pittsburgh Area
Posts: 4,950
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama View Post
I am saying there is a double standard and that it sucks, and we should remember that as we gang up on the OP for her question. That's it.
Why should we remember that? This isn't a thread started about the double standards between men, women and taking care of their children. So, the op should receive better treatment and less honest opinions and advice because some people have a double standard?

Tina ~ SAHcarrot.gif- head Mama to - 

  DS blowkiss.gif(07/'03), DD energy.gif(05'05), DS, unplanned UC sleepytime.gif(01/'09), DD joy.gif(06/'11) ...

SURPRISE!  dizzy.gifNew little one, due Sept. 2013

Cutie Patootie is offline  
#76 of 153 Old 05-03-2008, 11:45 PM
 
thismama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Nursing the revolution
Posts: 14,356
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by blessed View Post
I don't think the right thing is to stop trying to veer this mama off from leaving her child. I think the right thing is to attack wayward men with equal fervor.

And yes, there is a double standard. Here and in too many scenarios to detail.
I don't think attacking anyone is the 'right thing.' And I don't think it will get us anywhere. I also think it's one thing to say we would say the same things to a man, and it's another thing to actually do it. This thread has inspired many people who have nothing to do with this forum to venture in here to tell this mama 'oh noes!' And I agree with the 'oh noes,' for sure. But I don't see the same thing re: men who do this. A lot of us marry them, in fact.

That is all I'm saying.
thismama is offline  
#77 of 153 Old 05-03-2008, 11:46 PM
 
thismama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Nursing the revolution
Posts: 14,356
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by blessed View Post

ETA: I see your edit. We're almost double posting . I think you're taking the hit for everyone not coming down on the OP, even though your views are moderate.
Yes major crosspostage.
thismama is offline  
#78 of 153 Old 05-03-2008, 11:50 PM
 
Jennifer Z's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Kansas
Posts: 3,871
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama View Post
I don't support a parent moving away from their child. But this thread and the other one I saw remind me that there is definitely one standard for men and another, much meaner more vicious standard, reserved for women. And I think that sucks for everyone.
I disagree. There is a standard of appropriate parenting. You can't control how your exdh parents, but you have control over how you parent.

You know the ex is irresponsible and there is NO WAY I would trust my child to be safe and nurtured by an alcoholic, recovering or not, who is just 2 months from a DUI with my child in the car, no matter how much easier it would make my life. You can't change the fact he is irresponsible and has no business being around a child at this point in his life without some serious supervision. It is inconvient, but that is life and that is the choice you made over 6 years ago.

The fact you are even considering abandoning your child to have ZERO responsible parents present in his life is really heartbreaking. It really looks like you are choosing your new guy and this fantasy life over your son. He won't get over it. This is the kind of thing that he might be able to forgive when he gets older, but it will leave scars.

There is no way I would feel differently if the gender roles are reversed. I can't even begin to fathom how anybody would think it would be ok for a dad to do the same thing, and I think the dad in this situation is about the worst kind of parent too. I don't have much respect for a new husband that failed to take into account the child's well being when he married his mom either. I definatly wouldn't be having kids with somebody who has so little respect for children.

Mom to 10yo Autistic Wonder Boy and 6yo Inquisitive Fireball Girl . December birthdays.

Jennifer Z is offline  
#79 of 153 Old 05-03-2008, 11:57 PM
 
Cutie Patootie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Pittsburgh Area
Posts: 4,950
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Perfectly said, Jennifer Z. My brain thought that, but I am afraid I am a babble poster.

Tina ~ SAHcarrot.gif- head Mama to - 

  DS blowkiss.gif(07/'03), DD energy.gif(05'05), DS, unplanned UC sleepytime.gif(01/'09), DD joy.gif(06/'11) ...

SURPRISE!  dizzy.gifNew little one, due Sept. 2013

Cutie Patootie is offline  
#80 of 153 Old 05-04-2008, 12:29 AM
 
lilyka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Sioux Falls, SD
Posts: 18,340
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
wow I can hardly believe you are thinking about this. Just from what you wrote it seems so self serving. it sounds like you just want to forget your first marriage existed and move on with a new and exciting life.

I live far away from family support. in a city I am not so fond of. with no job opportunities. heck I am still with my husband (long story, I am on this forum because single motherhood is always just a breath away, but I am scared to even be living down the block from where my children will be spending every other freaking weekend) and i likely always will live here. why? because this is where their father is and I feel I have no right to live far away from them or to put distance between them and their father (or the rest of his family which they love dearly- as do I) and I am certainly not going to risk loosing them over a change in scenery. no job no man no nothing is worth it. 10 years. i can live here and put the rest of my life on hold for 10-12 years (my youngest is five). And if I ever do get remarried I would never even consider a man who had left his children behind for any reason or who couldn't stay put here where i am tethered. He would know up front that I could not move away. period. just because my children's father and I screwed it all up every which way doesn't mean they should have to suffer any more than necessary. when I had them I gave up my freedom to roam alone. if he wants to run off and leave for some girl or some dream job it wouldn't surprise me but i would never be the one to inflict that on them. My dad did it to me and don't tease yourself. you might not forget about him but to him you will be a side item. Alaska is a long ways away. calling every week is nothing. giving up school holidays to travel far away from his life becomes a burden that causes resentment. and he will always know that you left him.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

lilyka is offline  
#81 of 153 Old 05-04-2008, 12:48 AM
 
Naomi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 288
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would be equally appalled by a father who had primary custody and an alcoholic ex who decided that he would move 1000 miles away and leave his four-year-old child with a parent who'd gotten a DUI with the child in the car only a few months earlier.

I do think there are situations where it is reasonable for a mother to relinquish primary custody to the child's father. Those situations involve a stable, responsible ex, not an alcoholic who has maybe started getting his act together in the last month and a half.
Naomi is offline  
#82 of 153 Old 05-04-2008, 01:05 AM
 
Blueena's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 179
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Reading all of this, first of all, I would never leave my 5 year old, they need their mommy.

Then I read about the double standards for men and women, blah blah and you know what? I don't care if there is a double standard, I am a better mommy than my husband could ever be and he's a great daddy. I cut their nails, I wipe their boogers, I clean their shoes each night, I obsess about their food intake, I do all these things that I am frankly better equipped for and you know what? I love it, its my job, I am the mommy, period, there are higher expectations from society, but there are higher expectations from myself and I am proud and happy to try to reach them. That is why CHILDREN NEED THEIR MOMMIES!! Don't move to Alaska, compromise, do what's best for him, he's only 5 once.

Should I be looked upon worse if I abandon my child versus my hubby? Um, yeah, I gave birth to them, I nursed them, I am the mommy and God gave me the job, he didn't give it the man.

(but I would look badly upon a man who left his child too, I am just saying that I am okay with the double standard, because I understand why its there)
Blueena is offline  
#83 of 153 Old 05-04-2008, 01:29 AM
 
sunkissedmumma67's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Central Coast of Cali
Posts: 929
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I strongly believe that your son belongs with you at least half of the time. You said his dad had issues, i don't know what they are but 2 months isn't enough time to say he's really changed! I know a women who when her son was 3 he said he wanted to go live with his dad and the mom gave up custody of him and shortly after on a visitation he told her how bad things were with dad and he wanted to come back to her. She then asked for him back and the husband refused, she fought for custody, but lost! Once you give up custody of your child, it's not easy to get it back!

"Love Is Something Eternal, The Aspect My Change, But Not The Essence"
sunkissedmumma67 is offline  
#84 of 153 Old 05-04-2008, 01:32 AM
 
senmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 217
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by cycle View Post
I agree with what you said ThreeBeans, what forum did you think you were in?
I think she was being a smart ass. Obviously she is having some feelings.
senmom is offline  
#85 of 153 Old 05-04-2008, 01:35 AM
 
sunkissedmumma67's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Central Coast of Cali
Posts: 929
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Oh and if dad's an alcoholic or drug user or abusive, your son should not be with him at all, except possible supervised visitation. It's called RELAPSE!

"Love Is Something Eternal, The Aspect My Change, But Not The Essence"
sunkissedmumma67 is offline  
#86 of 153 Old 05-04-2008, 01:49 AM
 
yaM yaM's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 2,202
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
CJ, you rock.
yaM yaM is offline  
#87 of 153 Old 05-04-2008, 02:22 AM
 
PlayaMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,763
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
i'm not sure i have much to add but my cousin's mom left her with my uncle when she was four. in my experience, my cousin is a fine person and she doesn't seem to have many issues about it.

i think it worked out because my aunt was unstable and not a very good parent and my uncle was a very responsible and caring parent. it doesn't seem like this quite applies to your situation because your ex doesn't seem too responsible.

really, who is the better parent? who would be the best person to take care of your child? it's your life, it's your choice. but it's about someone who is dependent on you to make the right choice.

eh. who needs a signature?
PlayaMama is offline  
#88 of 153 Old 05-04-2008, 02:22 AM
 
LynnS6's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Pacific NW longing for the Midwest
Posts: 12,570
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I know two families where the mother has given up primary custody. In both cases it was because the mother was unable to care for the children - not unwilling, not off to pursue another career, but unable. Let's just say that the effects that has had on these children have been life-long and irrevocable. This despite the fact that the fathers were good, stable men who did their best to provide for their children.

Quote:
Originally Posted by reina28 View Post
would pry have to go through counseling to get over the guilt about it
How about counseling NOW before you make a decision that WILL affect him for life?

You need to understand more about alcoholism. Your son needs help negotiating two households that have undergone a LOT of change recently. You need help understanding what your son is goign through when he says he wants to live with his dad, even though his dad isn't a great dad and "there isn't much affection there."

You need help deciding how to balance what's best for you and what's best for your son long term. I know parents who have made decisions about where their children live that I would not make, but that I understand (e.g., sending children to live with grandparents for 3-4 months while they finish a degree), but nothing you've posted has made me think this is something I'd either understand or do. There's a lot of alcoholism in my family, and I would be very, very uncomfortable leaving a young child with a person (mother or father) who hasn't been sober and in some sort of program for at least a year.

If you and your son have not received counseling, now is the time for EACH of you to have some individual counseling. You may end up making the decision to not leave your son. You may end up making the decision that he's better off with your ex right now. But you'll be making it from an informed position, with someone who isn't as judgmental as the group on this board, and who can hopefully help you understand the short and long-term consequences of your actions on you and your relationship with your son, and your son's relationship with his dad.

Lynnteapot2.GIF, academicreading.gif,geek.gif wife, WOHM  to T jog.gif(4/01) and M whistling.gif (5/04)
LynnS6 is offline  
#89 of 153 Old 05-04-2008, 02:24 AM
 
mama41's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,058
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama View Post
No, people would not. Ive seen the exact discussion (not in this forum actually, and the single mamas were pretty unified in saying a dad moving away from his kid is not cool), but a LOT of people defended the idea of the dad moving away and acted like those of us who said it was not okay were bitter or something.

Definitely a double standard.
I agree. But apparently cj has the wrong crowd. I don't know that you'd find too many women here, on this board, who'd say that it's just dandy for daddy to go follow his bliss and his paycheck, but that mama should stay. I think people here have been saying quite clearly that the children need both parents, and that means seeing them often.

The people I hear supporting the moves tend to be wives of divorced non-custodial men and childless adults, especially young childless adults. Where I live, btw, family is viewed as absolutely central to life, and I think that even men would mistrust other men who'd moved far from their kids in order to take a more interesting, fulfilling, or lucrative job, or because their wives had gotten jobs here. If your commitment to something so central is so weak, why should you be reliable at work?

My biggest fear, custodywise, is that XH will find himself a woman who throws herself into "restoring his relationship" with dd by shooting for more custody, spends a couple of years solidifying those bonds with dd, and then decides that life would be better in another part of the country.
mama41 is offline  
#90 of 153 Old 05-04-2008, 02:35 AM
 
Tanibani's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Southern California
Posts: 3,052
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by reina28 View Post
I also think ds's dad would fight to the death to keep him from leaving.
As he should. I feel sorry for your son and his father. Ex-wives usually have primary custody and if she decides to re-marry and move out the state, she can. That fractures the relationship between the father and son. It puts an unfair burden on the father who is * trying * to still be in his son's life. (Equally horrible, is a father who ditches ex-wife and kids, starts a new relationship with a new woman and completely abandon's his child. Also horrible and wrong.)

If I were to ever divorce, my # 1 responsibility would be to my children. That means I would not marry a man (even if he were the man of my dreams) if there was even the slightest chance I'd move out of state, or he could not follow me if ex-DH had to leave the state. My worse case scenario... I marry someone... He says "I'll always follow you," then we have a baby, then he says "we need to move." What do I do? Leave my two firstborns with dad??? (Have a 2nd divorce?!?!!) Leave the state and start a new home with my new husband and baby? Is that right?!?!?! is that fair to my own first two children?!?!?! Then THEY have to get on a plane and visit me or vice versa (hell no). How would they feel about me in adulthood??!?!

And yes it's not fair. It would suck to be "stuck" in one place for 18 years... but my children are worth it. Their psychological well-being is worth more to me that "the man/job/state of my dreams."

DH is divorced. His first wife left him, left the country, went back to Mexico. There was no way he could live where she was and support himself. (I can't begin to tell you the anguish of not seeing his son, being kept from him, over the early years has my husband.) She is mentally unstable and their son (now 17) is dealing with all sorts of issues. DH visited once a month (best he could) and guess what, that wasn't enough. Not nearly.

How is the father going to see his son? Expensive trips that he probably can't afford. Most people can't.

My father died when I was 4. It left a big hole in my heart. Children NEED their fathers (assuming they are not completely messed up.) Mom never re-married. It's nice that your son has "two" fathers. That could be a positive if your new husband is an involved, loving partner. That's cool, but don't take away his bio-dad.

My first boyfriend was 23 at the time... His mom divorced their father when he and his sister were 5 & 4. She remarried twice. (2nd marriage ended with the love of her life being killed. She had a baby boy with this man.) Third marriage (more out of need than love IMO) she moved to Ca from NY with a very wealthy businessman. He is so cheap, she uses up all her savings ($100K) to fix up "their home". The kids lived with her for awhile. They eventually hated her (3rd husband cheated on her, they divorce and she walks away with nothing, causing her to have a nervous breakdown and leave - I really felt bad for her) and resented her for the choices she made with her life. It was sad.... it was just so sad how her kids hated her. At the time I didn't get it... seeing it from the point of a child who is sees his mother as choosing OTHER men/families (instead of them) then I see where the anger comes from. It's just so tragic. There have been studies on divorced children... and it's usually women who take the heat... must be a reason. Do some research on this topic, OK? You are not the first to be faced with this.... learn from other people's mistakes.

Know that I'm not judging you or trying to berate you. I'm just trying to reason with you.

10 - boy
5.5 - girl
Tanibani is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off