Voluntarily giving up custody? - Page 6 - Mothering Forums

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#151 of 153 Old 05-04-2008, 11:54 PM
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Originally Posted by cjuniverse View Post
Now, it may be that some would disapprove if she were a man as well. But with such disgust? With such hatred? With so many very personal, hurtful, direct and indirect insults?
You'd better frickin believe it.

Mama41, I believe women can come together. I believe women can make things better for women. I believe women can overcome our differences in ways that allow us to come together to end sexism. I have to believe that, or I lose all hope for all of us. I refuse to lose hope. I refuse to give up on the idea of a world where men and women can co-exist without hurting each other. I don't believe it has to be that way. I don't believe hate and intolerance between the sexes, races, classes, countries, anyone is written in stone or in our DNA. I believe we can adapt and evolve. I believe things can change for the better, if we want them to.
So try it. Go try organizing women. Here's one: Try organizing women around anything but victimhood and making demands based on suffering morality. I've been working with a women's center that I love for the last five years, on and off. They exist on a ridiculous, pathetic shoestring of a budget. They need money, and they need to get serious about it. Well, lotsa luck there. We have women engineers here, women in business, women who are valuable people for networks. One of my favorite ladies in town is the state majority whip. We have a terrific old-girls' network here. But at the Center, they cannot get young, up-and-coming non-women's-studies non-LBGTA women to come near the place, because the women's center is about being broken. Even the furniture is broken. Now, I am all for having a place to drag yourself off to when you're broken. But that can't be the whole show; it can't even be a large part of the show. And the rest of the show can't be about Crimes Committed Against Us.

But it is. Know why? Well, partly because of how the headband crew allowed themselves to get tackled in the 70s. But mostly, at this point, because it's run by and for people who exist in the land of if and should. Women with high ideals who refuse to acknowledge that if you want power, you have to grab it. Very likely you'll have to beat other people up for it. You'll have to make the power play and get the bucks. You'll have to get your posse and your network, and stop playing circular ideological firing squad.

In the next few years, the women's center here will lose its home, and unless it's rescued by city organizations, it will wither away. This is preventable. But it involves programming that's not about subjugation. It involves Emily's List and the like. It involves having a large contingent that is serious about power and money. Would that make it more conservative? Yes, absolutely. Welcome to practical politics.

There are serious costs to hope that is not firmly rooted in demonstrated realities and human nature as we know it.

Until women get much more hardheaded about these things, it ain't happening. I recall suggesting some years ago, on babycenter, that if the point of the public-health push for bf was to save WIC and Medicaid dollars, that nursing mothers should demand a cut of the take. A large one. Or refuse to cooperate. After all, we're doing the work. If we save the taxpayer $1, I say look for 75 cents, and give every nursing mother a stipend. My God, you'd have thought I was suggesting some terrible horror. But who did they think was going to get that tax savings? Nice families? Playground building committees? A college-grant fund? No; they don't want to look at how the money comes and goes, and by and large they don't have to. So there's your women working together.

I don't think either parent has to be present or available 24/7 to be a good parent.
Who said 24/7? The OP was talking about moving, what, 4000 miles away, permanently, and leaving her kid with a drunk. That's a little different from having a weekend to yourself.

How many of us would condemn the husband who is deployed, and has left a wife and young children in another country? Would we say he has abandoned his children, that he never should've put himself in a situation to have children (after all, when applying for the army, it is well known that deployment, dismemberment, even death are possible and often likely)? Being in the army's a job, too. This man (or woman) made a decision to stick with the job and have a family, too.
Military families have a large and remarkably supportive social structure, which this little boy has not got. As for me, yes, I would choose. Military or kids. Not both. I wouldn't have had kids with a military guy.

How many of us condemn the husbands with jobs that require lots of travel/away time/sometimes even residency in other states/countries for long periods of time as 'bad parents', bad people? Few, I would think.
Wrong. Many, particularly when the husband makes the decision after they've had the kids, and raising the children solo was not in the original deal for the wife. My XH used to talk about wandering off to [exotic locale] for a year or so to work there. I thought he was out of his mind (and, in fact, he was; luckily this was all fantasizing for him and far from a real possibility), and told him so, forcefully. A year to a child is a tremendously long time.

So long as the wives are home with the children, all is well in our minds. Reverse the situation, and suddenly there's trouble. There's anger....
Dude...you are in the wrong room.

I'm serious. Right string, wrong yo-yo.

It's a wonderful speech. But you are, rather insistantly, misinterpreting why people here have been coming down so hard on the OP. There's no shortage of people who need to hear your speech. But you need to find better concentrations of them.

I don't hate men (but I don't blame any woman who does). I hate patriarchy, and what it has done to men and to us. Period.
cj, how much of this are you using as an excuse, yourself? Where is your business, your election committee? Are you up at 4 am making the big bucks, looking to expand, funding campaigns? Are you studying policy and coming up through the networks, are you drafting legislation for people actually in a position to put it through? No? Then when does your internship begin?

If you want power, you have to go get it. Not talk. Get. And not in loony revolutionary-forces fashion, either. In deeply conservative fashion, because, like it or not, that's the nature of lasting power.

I still think you're pissing in the wind, because you cannot force people to change their natures. But if you want a good run at it, you'll need to do like old Hill, there.
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#152 of 153 Old 05-05-2008, 12:15 AM
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Great post mama41.
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#153 of 153 Old 05-05-2008, 12:16 AM
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I think the op has received plenty of advice and opinions and points to ponder. I hope she considers the needs of her child as she makes her decision. I will leave this up, but for now, it is closed to new posts.

                                Whatever will be, already is...
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