I fell apart tonight, update post #110 - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 131 Old 06-07-2008, 02:10 AM
 
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stbx: soon to be ex, but lmao at your guess momo7!

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#62 of 131 Old 06-07-2008, 02:27 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh man. Thanks mamas, for all the support. I really do feel good that I'm finally standing up to him. I got some great support from my sister and her partner, and my mom's friend, and it really helps to get support (unfortunately my mom was unavailable today because my dad had surgery today for a broken bone that wasn't healing. Really great timing for me for stbx to be pulling this stuff...)
So, I called my mom's friend's husband, and another person, and we hung out and chatted on the front walk. Stbx's parents' car pulled up across the street, stbx got out walked over, said "how's it going guys?" in a strained, superficial voice. We all said "good" and the friend's husband returned the question. He said "well, you can imagine" and got into the car quickly and drove away. I could tell that he was beyond pissed at the whole situation. Oh, and there was no sheriff. He is going to be hopping mad at me when he picks dd2 up for his time with her in the morning. I just hope I can find the same strength tomorrow...... the thought of keeping this strength up with no end in sight sounds exhausting. I'm already exhausted after today. Poor dd1. She's not going to get why all of a sudden her grandparents have four cars and a motorcycle in their garage, and mama doesn't have a car. I'm really wondering what they are going to tell her when she asks. I'm wondering what I'm going to tell her. All I can think of is saying that it belongs to them and they wanted it back. "Why can't you borrow it anymore?" "I don't know, you'll have to ask them." ?? Any other ideas?
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#63 of 131 Old 06-07-2008, 03:06 AM
 
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No ideas, I'd probably give the same answer. More hugs to you mama, you don't need to have all the strength you know, you can pull it from other sources. I don't mean that in a hippidy dippity way, just that you can let that burden off your shoulders and know that there is strength coming to you from elsewhere (us, the universe, your support people, whomever!!).

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#64 of 131 Old 06-07-2008, 04:30 AM
 
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Originally Posted by emilyrose View Post
I'm wondering what I'm going to tell her. All I can think of is saying that it belongs to them and they wanted it back. "Why can't you borrow it anymore?" "I don't know, you'll have to ask them." ?? Any other ideas?
How about, "It's just time for Mama to work on getting her own car"?
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#65 of 131 Old 06-07-2008, 04:43 AM
 
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get a good nights sleep and keep us all in the loop
peace to you
Blessings
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#66 of 131 Old 06-07-2008, 01:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I woke up this morning so angry. Leaving me without a vehicle, besides just being inconvenient is putting the girls at risk! What if one of them got hurt and I had a hard time contacting someone to transport us to the hospital???????? I am in much more shock today, I guess, that they would all be willing to take that risk just to teach me a lesson about standing up to them.

ETA: I sent stbx an email yesterday saying that if he or his family continued to bully and threaten me I would need to arrange an alternate method for pick ups and drop offs. It was short, and to the point. He responded this morning, via email, that no such threatening had ever occurred, and that we'd keep our discussions focused on the girls now, thank you. When he picked dd2 up he told me I had "no power" and it was going to be a "landslide" for me now, so I'd better hurry up and get a job!
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#67 of 131 Old 06-07-2008, 02:46 PM
 
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Emily you are an AMAZING woman! I am SO f'ing PROUD OF YOU for standing up to him! An having the conviction to stay calm when he showed up to get the car.

If one of the girls had an emergency, you'd call 911. Thats what it's for.

I'm literally sitting here jumping for joy that you found the strength we all knew you had. GO EMILY!!!!!

(and whenever someone says something that bothers me, I literall remind myself that sticks and stones (and fists) can break my bones, but words can't hurt me. Words are just....that. words.)

Stay strong momma!

(and don't forget to document, document, document. How it will help? You lawyer can use it to say "on June 5, 2008, did you or did you not arrive with your parents to take away the family vehicle in full view of the minor child?" even if they never use it, any documentation you can provide dates, times, people involved, etc. may help to make your stbx (I too like the revised acronym!) look bad.)
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#68 of 131 Old 06-07-2008, 03:51 PM
 
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Emily you are an AMAZING woman! I am SO f'ing PROUD OF YOU for standing up to him! An having the conviction to stay calm when he showed up to get the car.

If one of the girls had an emergency, you'd call 911. Thats what it's for.

I'm literally sitting here jumping for joy that you found the strength we all knew you had. GO EMILY!!!!!

(and whenever someone says something that bothers me, I literall remind myself that sticks and stones (and fists) can break my bones, but words can't hurt me. Words are just....that. words.)

Stay strong momma!

(and don't forget to document, document, document. How it will help? You lawyer can use it to say "on June 5, 2008, did you or did you not arrive with your parents to take away the family vehicle in full view of the minor child?" even if they never use it, any documentation you can provide dates, times, people involved, etc. may help to make your stbx (I too like the revised acronym!) look bad.)
___________

I agree with all of the above. One note though -- be carefull what you put in an email or in writing because you better believe he is saving all those emails to put together "his case".

Be strong and come back here often for support
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#69 of 131 Old 06-07-2008, 07:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ok, stbx is flipping his lid in a very serious way. The girls are supposed to start daycare on monday, and the daycare provider has been very accommodating so far, and has told me that while there are two spots, if I can't pay or take them, she can't hold them because she has a long waiting list. So, guess what? Stbx won't sign the daycare forms that I need to give her on monday, until "we agree on a date and time" (for divorce). "We agree" is something more like "on this day or else." I don't know what to do. I feel really great about this daycare, and most of the daycares in this town are terrible. I don't want to lose these spots. My mom, who was all for letting them take their car back, is now saying that he can't be allowed to hurt the girls in this way, and that I should just give him his divorce. I said that he was still using anything he could to try to get to me, and she said that he would keep on doing it, and that maybe I should just go and get it over with, and that even if he turns around and files for full custody or something, he could do that regardless of whether we go the lawyer route or not, so what's the big deal? Part of me thinks she is right, but part of me feels like I still have to figure out a way to not let him try to control me like this. And it is not fair to the girls. I can get another car, yes, but a good daycare is hard to come by. I don't know what to do.......
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#70 of 131 Old 06-07-2008, 08:20 PM
 
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what are the forms he needs to sign? He's flipping out on you because this is his last straw against you and he knows it. What does the daycare say? Why does he need to sign the forms? What do you fear if you show up with the girls at daycare on Monday, ready to go, without the forms? Why isn't just your signature sufficient?

(forgive my ignorance on this issue. I just would proceed according to the plan you already established with him. You could just email him and say "The girls begin daycare on Monday. Their XYZ form must be turned in before they start." Afterall, didn't he email you back and say all communication would be about the girls? Your divorce doesn't hinge on whether or not the girls go to daycare.)

He's spinning something fierce. Stay the course.
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#71 of 131 Old 06-07-2008, 08:37 PM
 
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He is deranged! My ex started constantly saying that he couldn't trust me, couldn't trust my word. This made me absolutely NUTS!!! Never in my life had I lied to him... his stack of lies was like an abyss swallowing him up! I said something in frustration to my lawyer once and she told me that happens all the time. People who are dishonest, who lie, cheat, manipulate, bully, etc. assume that everyone else does it too. And also, on some very deep level that may never come to the surface, he knows how terrible he's being. And he knows that you are a good person and a good mother. And he can't face himself in the mirror right now. He is deflecting on to you because it's the only way he can live with himself and his choices and the abyss he has dug for himself.

In the end, Emily, your life will be better and his will be worse. Not that you are seeking misery for him or anyone. But life catches up to people who operate this way. He can't possibly be happy deep down or he wouldn't be this cruel and irrational. You will grow into a new and wonderful happiness over time based on truth and integrity. And he will be stuck in his own meanness, insecurity, etc. You will not be the last person he treats this way.
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So true!!

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#72 of 131 Old 06-07-2008, 09:04 PM
 
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Yes, I don't see why both parents must sign a daycare consent form (is that what the form is?). I would *think* that as long as you had the reg fees and first month's payment and forms signed by at least one parent (all forms I've seen didn't require X DP to sign...thats kinda strange...), they would take the girls. I say call the daycare owner and try to work something out. Show her some money and maybe she'll make an exception.

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#73 of 131 Old 06-07-2008, 09:31 PM
 
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Em, I can think of no legal reason why they'd need his signature. It's also time for you to call a lawyer tomorrow and to check NM's statutes on recording conversations. If it's legal, you need to start recording these outbursts of his.

He's just crossed the line in a very serious way. If you have no recording of what he's said, please write it down verbatim and note time, place, date. It may have been illegal; if not, it's certainly not a plus for him in court.

I would also make sure that all physical contact with him from now on is in the presence of another person, because it sounds like he's losing control of himself, and you don't want things to get physical, esp. in front of the girls.

As for the money, if he won't come up with his share, then you need to borrow from your parents until the temp child support order is in, which should happen quickly. If they will not, start hitting up friends and family, taking out cc loans, etc. Just do what you need to do. But backing down now sounds like a bad idea to me. Just keep rocking steady and you'll be fine. The fact that he's wigging this way is a good indication that you and the girls are going to manage just fine.
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#74 of 131 Old 06-07-2008, 09:32 PM
 
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Stbx won't sign the daycare forms that I need to give her on monday, until "we agree on a date and time" (for divorce). "We agree" is something more like "on this day or else." I don't know what to do. I said that he was still using anything he could to try to get to me, and she said that he would keep on doing it,

Lawyer, lawyer, laywer! You must get a lawyer to help you with this. You need to contact an abused persons shelter for advice. Now I don't think you need his signature to put them in daycare anyway. I didn't need my husband's signature to sign my kids up with a licensed provider when I was needing to work more. He will keep looking for your weak chinks in the armor. You have to keep saying no and proceeding at a pace that gives you time and space to make sure you have looked at all options and are protecting your interests and that of your girls. He won't win in a landslide. You are a good mama and the primary caretaker of record. He will get the standard customary agreement for your area unless he makes himself such a crazy worked up ass that he gets less than that even. Don't fall for this. Divorce doesn't happen fast. I don't know where he gets the idea that it does. Go slow and get more advice from those in your area who know the ropes!
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#75 of 131 Old 06-07-2008, 09:34 PM
 
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My children's father never signed a single daycare form even when we were together.
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#76 of 131 Old 06-07-2008, 10:32 PM
 
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Married or divorced, my ex never had to sign daycare/school enrollment forms. One signature (mine) was enough.

He does have joint legal custody and still doesn't have to sign any of the forms for her school (enrollment contract, emergency contact form, etc.).

That does mean that all responsibility for payments fall on me as the only person signing the contract between me and the school. But that doesn't make him less responsible for paying his portion to me (reimbursing me). It just means that if I don't pay the school what I owe it, it'll go after me, not him.

Just get the $$ together for the daycare and sign the forms yourself. Leave his spot blank. Give the forms to the daycare lady. That should be all you need.

Seriously.
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#77 of 131 Old 06-07-2008, 10:33 PM
 
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My children's father never signed a single daycare form even when we were together.
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#78 of 131 Old 06-07-2008, 10:45 PM
 
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Just get the $$ together for the daycare and sign the forms yourself. Leave his spot blank. Give the forms to the daycare lady. That should be all you need.
I think this will probably be fine. Just leave the rest blank and she if she asks...

The only potential issue could be if your temporary parenting plan— the one you currently have agreed to follow—states specifically that you both have to agree on caregivers or schooling.

Could you get into trouble w/ the courts later on if stbx accuses you of placing the girls with caregivers "without his consent" or something??
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#79 of 131 Old 06-07-2008, 11:55 PM
 
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get an attorney and ask for temporary alimony/maintenance, he is obviously sabotaging your efforts to be self sufficient, so let him provide the income. If you are a stay at home mom, this is possible at least for a while.
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#80 of 131 Old 06-08-2008, 12:04 AM
 
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Big hugs to you. Hang tough.

Does he know you post on here?
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#81 of 131 Old 06-08-2008, 01:02 AM
 
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O I said that he was still using anything he could to try to get to me, and she said that he would keep on doing it, and that maybe I should just go and get it over with, and that even if he turns around and files for full custody or something, he could do that regardless of whether we go the lawyer route or not, so what's the big deal?
The big deal is that you don't know why he's doing this. It could be nothing. It could be something very significant. In any case you don't want to be rushed and end up sorry later -- and in any case he's still going to use whatever he can to threaten you whenever he can, so I wouldn't pay that any mind.

Let me give you an example of "significant". Lots of rich kids don't get access to their trusts until they're 28, 30, or 35. Which is sensible of the parents, who -- if they're wise -- also don't tell the kids about the trusts' existence until shortly before the date at which the kid gets control of the money. The parents say nothing because they don't want to encourage their kids to just hang around waiting for money to drop on their heads.

Suppose two things. Suppose your ex is about to gain access to a trust, and suppose his folks don't like you. They know you guys have had trouble. They also know that if you're still married when he gains access to the money, and you divorce, you walk away with a big fat chunk of this marital asset. They don't want to give you anything. So one day his dad sits down with him and lays out enough of the deal to convince your ex that he needs that divorce pronto, and to give you whatever you want so long as it happens fast. His dad also impresses upon him that his mission is to avoid giving away a large chunk of change to you, and presents it as a test of your stbx's manhood. After all, the old man knows how to show a woman her place; his son should, too.

If there's something like this involved, then whatever sentiments are driving stbx and his family, you want that money. That, and not your ex, will allow you to homeschool the girls, buy a house, and so on. That'll be your backup when your ex takes you back to court and you need to hire a lawyer again. If nothing else, that'll force your ex to pay you considerably better c/s than a social worker's salary would.

And the very last thing you want is a rich, vindictive, crazy ex when you have no money and a poor family.

I know a woman who lived that story; she's a professor of women's studies now. It was a hell of a long ugly road she had to take to get there, through welfare and chronic illness, and in the end she's dependent on her new guy, who...well, i don't think she can afford to admit to herself how much of the family responsibility he dumps on her so he can go off whenever and have his career. Or how it sucks to deal with his various emotional problems. Yes, ironic, given the discipline.

So don't let him shoo you off the marriage before you're ready. You'll find out, in time, what all the hurry was about. Meantime, just get comfortable with the fact that this is going to be an ordinary divorce fight, and that probably he's not tenacious enough to make this truly miserable. Tell your mom to relax, and get used to thinking in terms of legal spaces -- in some he can interfere with you, and in others he can't.
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#82 of 131 Old 06-08-2008, 02:04 AM
 
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I believe that if you buy a car right now, you can put it into the divorce papers and the costs will have to be split. He'll have to pay half. A friend's husband did that to her (she was the breadwinner) and she had to pay for half of his car.

If you tell him that you're going to go buy a car on Monday, he might show up with that other car and sign it over pronto. He doesn't want a car payment in the divorce papers. He left you without a car. Ask your lawyer, but I think you can.

He's being a jerk. YOu're doing a wonderful job of protecting yourself. It's pissing him off, but so what. You have to take care of yourself and your kids. You cannot trust him. He's already proven that to you.

Good luck. Thinking of you.
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#83 of 131 Old 06-08-2008, 02:13 AM
 
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Still thinking of you. I agree with the others...do not give in to him here. Do not let him bully you. DD's dad has never signed a daycare paper either, so I'm not sure what you need him for on this.
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#84 of 131 Old 06-08-2008, 02:15 AM
 
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Still thinking of you. I agree with the others...do not give in to him here. Do not let him bully you. .
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#85 of 131 Old 06-08-2008, 02:26 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks mamas. I have had a pretty terrible day. I felt so strong yesterday, and today I'm in a deep, dark pit. I'm just worried that stbx is going to flip about the daycare thing and say he never agreed, pull them out, whatever..... oh and threaten to take it up in court. I have a job training this week though, so I need daycare. I told him this, and he didn't care. So I'm hoping that I can just enroll them and if he freaks it'll reflect badly on him since he'll be preventing me from going to a job training?
mama41, he's 34, will be 35 in nov. I am not so sure about the coming into money thing, I'm kind of leaning towards "I'm feeling powerless so I need to show how much I'm in control." Anyway, I was considering filing on Monday, so I thought that after someone filed all assets/debts acquired afterwerd are not community assets/debts. So why wouldn't stbx just file on his own to prevent this (if it were the case)?
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#86 of 131 Old 06-08-2008, 02:28 AM
 
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Yeah, good question. If he wants a divorce so badly, why isn't he going in and filing?

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#87 of 131 Old 06-08-2008, 02:38 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Big hugs to you. Hang tough.

Does he know you post on here?
Yikes. Your post gave me pause. He knows that this forum exists, yes. He used to make fun of me for coming on here, and he'd roll his eyes if I mentioned anything having to do with this forum. I kind of think that he's not that "smart," to think that I might be talking on here, and certainly, he's terrible with revealing things he "knows" or has "heard" just to show me he's in control and onto me. I can't imagine that he would have controlled himself well enough to not let anything on here slip... (He sent me an email earlier, lying about something dd1 had told him! I couldn't believe he was starting that already. Oi. Anyway, he also said that in a message I left on his phone dd2 had been crying which proved I was not a nurturing mother, so he was going to save the message as "proof." Just an example of how he is more into the bullying side rather than the cunning side). So I'm not sure he knows what my username is, and I have considered changing it because it is revealing... but when people quote you, you can't change the place where it has the old username, so I don't know how effective it would be. (He couldn't google my username, even if he knew it, because all that horror movie stuff would come up!) I'm also not sure that it would occur to him that such a "fluffy" site would have any kind of legal info or sharing.....I'm thinking he'd assume it was a place to come and b!@#$
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#88 of 131 Old 06-08-2008, 02:52 AM
 
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So I'm not sure he knows what my username is, and I have considered changing it because it is revealing... but when people quote you, you can't change the place where it has the old username, so I don't know how effective it would be.
I'd still change it.....even with this name still being in the quotes, a different screen name would still be more effective than having your first name as user name/part of the user name
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#89 of 131 Old 06-08-2008, 02:54 AM
 
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Yeah, good question. If he wants a divorce so badly, why isn't he going in and filing?
Could it have something to do with the splitting of assets? Is the person who files favored in some way, or would filing prevent him from getting something that he wanted? This is not my area of expertise; I never married DD's dad, so we didn't deal with divorce...but can't the divorce decree be affected by who files first? I thought I had heard that discussed before...

As far as the daycare thing, what can he really do? I can't see how he could take you to court over it. He left you, which means that you now have to go out and provide for the kids, which means that the kids need daycare. He doesn't have a choice here, there is nothing to agree on, unless he wants to pay you enough to support you and the kids 100%, or unless he wants to watch the kids so that you can work/go to school. Somehow, I don't see either of those happening.
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#90 of 131 Old 06-08-2008, 02:56 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Denali View Post
I'd still change it.....even with this name still being in the quotes, a different screen name would still be more effective than having your first name as user name/part of the user name
I might consider it if I were you, OP. There are times where I really wish the single parenting forum were protected; mainly because of situations like this.
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