I fell apart tonight, update post #110 - Mothering Forums

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Old 06-04-2008, 02:55 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Stbx wants to be divorced by Monday. That will be a little less than four months since he left. I am in shock. He told me this on the phone, after trying to discuss details of dividing our debts/assets, and I just lost it, starting sobbing, demanding to know if he had a girlfriend lined up, telling him how he and his parents were %$$#@ing me over........ I've just been on "go" mode for the most part, with some periods of grief in-between trying to get all my stuff together and in place, and I feel the enormous well of grief and terror that is starting to come out now that I face the prospect of handing our papers into a judge on monday.... I demanded to know why he was leaving, and all he could say is that that was what his inner voice told him to do. I asked what his inner voice was suggesting now, and he said he didn't know, that it told him to "jump into the abyss" because he was dying in our relationship and we "argued too much." I don't even have words for how insane this sounds to me, and for the depth of my grief right now. (oh, and if this is all incoherent it's because I am in such shock) Yes, I need to go to a counselor, but I need to be approved for medicaid first..... hopefully that will happen soon. And yes, he did verbally and emotionally abuse me, but I'm having such a hard time knowing the "truth," because the truth isn't that he was the devil and I was always innocent, any more than it's the "truth" that I was so awful he had to leave. I don't know the "real story" and I don't know how to understand what my responsibility in it was, without beating myself up, or without thinking that I could've done something to prevent this. Because I tried so incredibly hard to make it work, and I still would have tried for a year or two longer......ok, I'm spinning off now, thanks for reading.
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Old 06-04-2008, 04:38 AM
 
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Couldn't read without saying I am sorry. Like all grief it will come and go in waves and you will get better with it the more time passes. Be gentle on yourself. This IS hard.
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Old 06-04-2008, 04:38 AM
 
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Lots of hugs to you mama, I can't (well I can a little bit) imagine the hurt and pain you feel.

Creating Art. Living life on Guam. Sharing my Journey.

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Old 06-04-2008, 10:52 AM
 
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to you!

It's so hard!

I understand your questions and doubts about the "truth". I feel like it changes so many times in a day and I think I'm going insane most of the time!

You said it's been four months since he left. I don't know if this could be true for you but I was reading a link from an MDC mama (can't remember now ) that showed the stages for grief and I believe that I am just now starting to grieve after five months apart.

We haven't even finalized our decision about our separation yet (I left after an incident where abuse escalated into being physical but decided to take a year apart before deciding anything) but I'm grieving for sure. I don't even know what I'm grieving exactly but I know IT HURTS LIKE HELL!!!!

And here I was feeling so much joy, renewal, amidst the choas and BAM! PAIN PAIN PAIN

I kept brushing it off, but like labor, I have to go through it.

Have you read about stages of grief? The good news is that after the painful part comes acceptance and joy!

Yeah for that!!!
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Old 06-04-2008, 11:50 AM
 
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You know this is such a HUGE stress and a major upheavel in your life I think it's totally understandable that you *are* going to lose it every now and then. Be gentle with yourself. Take a breath and just put it past you.
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Old 06-04-2008, 11:57 AM
 
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Oh honey,
Hugs and more hugs.
I know how awful this feels. There aren't even words for how heart-wrenchingly, terrifyingly awful. I've been there.
And you are more than likely right that there is something he is not telling you. But, it doesn't really matter. (Though sometimes knowing can help push you through grief and into anger, which is in some ways easier.)
I don't think there's any real advice anyone can give. It's just one day at a time. I've read some of your other posts and you sound like a wonderful person, caring mother, and a strong woman. You will be ok. You really will. And so will your girls. And, I'd be willing to bet that someday, maybe not even all that far away, you will be grateful and glad that he's gone. That your life will be so much better and you will be so relieved that he left. But that probably doesn't help right now...

It's perfectly fine that you broke down. Normal and fine. Let yourself feel what's there. And I know it sucks that he witnessed it, but you know what... it's not so bad for him to see a taste of the level of grief and destruction he is causing.

I don't know your exact situation or your state, etc. But if you are not ready for the divorce to happen Monday, I imagine it doesn't have to. Do you have your own lawyer? And certainly don't be bullied into to signing ANYTHING you are not 100% certain on. He can't have everything he wants, exactly how he wants it, exactly when he wants it. If you need more time to be clear to make certain you and your girls are being taken care of, then take that time. He may sound threatening, but find out if he can really do anything. I used to be terrified of the power I *thought* my ex had...

Ok... gotta feed the munchkin.
I wish I lived near you and could come hang out. The emotion that came out of your post was SO familiar to me...
Hang in there.
You're doing great. You really are. There's nothing great about not feeling grief...
Take care,
Robin
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Old 06-04-2008, 12:02 PM
 
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lots of love your way mama...i have to run but i'll come back to this thread in a bit... can you take a nap to recharge? or get a massage or something nurturing for yourself?
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Old 06-04-2008, 09:11 PM
 
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Sending big HUGS!

I agree -- if you aren't ready--you don't have to jump into the abyss with him. Do you have a lawyer? Make sure you and your dds *are* taken care of.

Ok, enough practical -- I know how gut wrenching, stomach turning awful it is -- such huge grief and loss. It is SO ok to lose it.

We do ... then we pick ourselves up and keep going until we lose it again. I am trusting, somehow, with each day, it will get better for you and all of us!

Blessings!

M
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Old 06-04-2008, 09:23 PM
 
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I am sorry i dont have ay advice for you at all but couldnt read it wihout giving you some and saying i am truly sorry that you are going throught this.

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Old 06-04-2008, 10:35 PM
 
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s

the five stages of grief: shock, denial, anger, bargaining and acceptance. They're fluid, just when you think you're through anger, and you're waiting on bargaining so you can get to acceptance, WHAM! you're back to shock again.

Be gentle with yourself. And just because he's jumping into the abyss doesn't mean you have to follow him! (sorry - shades of my mother telling the teenaged me 'if everyone else was jumping off a cliff, would you too? YOU WOULD??? Haven't I raised you to be smarter than that??!!')

Hang in there. Turn off your phone. You don't HAVE to do ANYTHING on your stbx's timetable. He lost that right when he walked out. TAKE CARE OF YOU!
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Old 06-05-2008, 12:11 AM
 
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It's ok, really. Most days since X moved out I'm fine, the kids are fine, etc. But occasionally it all gets to me, and I meltdown. Going through this process, all the while managing, on your own, the responsibilities you used to (in theory) have help with can be positively crushing.

But this too shall pass (I keep telling myself that). When I get overwhelmed, I remind myself that I WILL get through this, if for no other reason than I have kids. I have to

Sometimes I like to Netflix a tearjerker and let myself have a good cry after the kids are asleep.

ETA: The truth is complicated, and sometimes it sucks, and a lot of times its painful. I think that you'll come to terms with the truth at the pace you can handle emotionally. That's how it's working for me...as I come to terms with one part of what was, or what wasn't, in my marriage, I start to grapple with the next part.
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Old 06-05-2008, 12:22 AM
 
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Originally Posted by emilyrose View Post
Stbx wants to be divorced by Monday. That will be a little less than four months since he left. I am in shock. He told me this on the phone, after trying to discuss details of dividing our debts/assets, and I just lost it, starting sobbing, demanding to know if he had a girlfriend lined up, telling him how he and his parents were %$$#@ing me over........ I've just been on "go" mode for the most part, with some periods of grief in-between trying to get all my stuff together and in place, and I feel the enormous well of grief and terror that is starting to come out now that I face the prospect of handing our papers into a judge on monday.... I demanded to know why he was leaving, and all he could say is that that was what his inner voice told him to do. I asked what his inner voice was suggesting now, and he said he didn't know, that it told him to "jump into the abyss" because he was dying in our relationship and we "argued too much." I don't even have words for how insane this sounds to me, and for the depth of my grief right now. (oh, and if this is all incoherent it's because I am in such shock) Yes, I need to go to a counselor, but I need to be approved for medicaid first..... hopefully that will happen soon. And yes, he did verbally and emotionally abuse me, but I'm having such a hard time knowing the "truth," because the truth isn't that he was the devil and I was always innocent, any more than it's the "truth" that I was so awful he had to leave. I don't know the "real story" and I don't know how to understand what my responsibility in it was, without beating myself up, or without thinking that I could've done something to prevent this. Because I tried so incredibly hard to make it work, and I still would have tried for a year or two longer......ok, I'm spinning off now, thanks for reading.
Yes. I know this too well and feel the same way you do, especially about the truth and beating myself up, and all of it. You are not alone!

treehugger.gif Bex -- Single, hardworking mama to reading.gif DS (11), love.gif DD (7), & flowerkitty.gif Lars (13)
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Old 06-05-2008, 02:02 AM
 
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Emily,

Please do not move faster than you're comfortable with. This is your divorce too. He may have some sort of fire under his ass, but you need to get yourself sorted first, and to take your time doing so.

If he pushes again about Monday, or any date in particular, you can tell him that you appreciate his input, and that you are accommodating him in his desire for a divorce, but that you will do your end of it in your own way and in your own time. And that you will let him know when you are ready to file the papers. Until then he will simply have to be patient and respect the fact that in divorce, the person being left may need to move more slowly to process what is happening, and he can do a literature search on that if he likes. Perhaps he would like to see a counselor to help him deal with understandable frustration in the meantime. Then hang up and begin restoring your life, and when you're ready you can tell him so.

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Old 06-05-2008, 02:16 AM
 
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alls i got is a me too and many hugs

Robin, strong and happy single mama to Anna (7/06)
"Au milieu de l'hiver, j'ai découvert en moi un invincible été."
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Old 06-05-2008, 04:14 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by robinchap1 View Post

I wish I lived near you and could come hang out. The emotion that came out of your post was SO familiar to me...
Hang in there.
You're doing great. You really are. There's nothing great about not feeling grief...
Take care,
Robin
I wish you lived near too, in fact I wish all you mamas lived near and we could all get together and support each other (and have fun together too! but I'm having a difficult time remembering what it's like to have time to myself, much less do anything fun without all this crap looming over me). Thank you all for your responses, it definitely helps to have support, in all the forms it comes in. The other day I was talking to the daycare provider who will be caring for dds starting next week, and she told me that she'd asked many of the other moms about me and that they all gave her glowing reports about me - I almost started sobbing. It is so hard to see anything positive about myself these days, and I wondered, when she told me that, what warranted the glowing reports. But I was so incredibly grateful for them, and I look forward to the time when I can try to develop my own self-appreciation.

Anyway, enough rambling... meandmine, and mama41, you are both right, in so many ways... but I've been waffling back and forth, back and forth, knowing that I could lose my opportunity to get a lot of things that I wouldn't get if we went to court. For some baffling reason stbx is agreeing, voluntarily, to a lot of stuff, and I have to weigh the pros and cons. He's made it clear that he will withdraw these things if I don't "work with him," so I have to weigh what I'm willing to sacrifice, and what will be best for my dds. It sucks, because it totally gives him this string to jerk me around on (but what's new?), but part of me thinks that once it's all done, I can be done with letting him pull this crap anymore, and that maybe it's worth it, for my sake and dds sakes, to play the game for a few more days and then be done. Anyway, that is my thinking right now. And I honestly can't wait to be out from under his parents' thumb.

That being said, he told me this morning that actually, he needed to be divorced on Friday! When I spoke with him tonight I told him there was no way I could do that, and he said the deal was off (I'm not exactly sure what he was referring to, I assumed he meant everything we agreed to in the parenting plan). I said fine and hung up. He called back, which is a shocker (he's never been one to call back if I hang up). End result: I agreed to get it filed on Tuesday. So I imagine I'll be posting here on Tuesday as an absolute mess.... and in-between now and then also.... any words of wisdom? What did you (officially-divorced) mamas do the day you filed? The girls will be in daycare, so I'm thinking that I'll have a few hours afterwards to just cry, before I have to go pick them up. That's all I have planned so far, hours of crying. And if stbx acts celebratory afterward I don't know what I will do.... I'm just hoping I can keep it together until I get away from him and home.
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Old 06-05-2008, 04:19 AM
 
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Something is very wrong here.

People do not "need to be divorced by Friday" unless they're getting married on Saturday. And if he's threatening you with a fight, then I would not trust any of the stuff he's agreed to now, period, and I don't care who it's filed with. All this tells me is that as soon as he's set up how he pleases, he's going to come back around to try to undo his agreement, and that he has no intention of abiding by it.

I would back away fast. Really, something is wrong. You have the power here, incidentally. He wants this divorce very bad, and you're the only one in a position to grant it voluntarily. If he fights you, and goes through the state, he's looking at the possibility of years before he's divorced. Basically, he's bluffing you like crazy.
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Old 06-05-2008, 04:29 AM
 
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Also, Emily, please call a DV hotline. This kind of pressure and threatening on his part is a form of abuse.

Try one of these: http://www.divorcesource.com/shelters/newmexico.shtml

I would recommend trying one outside your local area, because I've found that if there's one thing social-services people aren't, it's mindful of confidentiality, and your stbx will be in the local social-services loop.

Understand that an appropriate response to his pressure is to do exactly what you did: say "Fine" and hang up. You've scared him, by the way, by showing some independence, and that's why he called you back so fast.
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Old 06-05-2008, 04:36 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Perhaps there is more wrong that I can't imagine. My understanding is this: One of the cars (the much nicer one) is in his parents' name. It is being "promised" to me (and he will keep his motorcycle and the car that needs a lot of repairs), but his parents, and he, are not going to make out a bill of sale to put it in my name, until the day of the divorce. Huge control issue, on their part, but I just had to put money into the car (it's the one I've been driving all this time) because the brakes and tires were going.... also, I know it's a reliable car, and I'd rather not have to go on a hunt, especially since, when it comes down to it, it's not "actually" community property, and I could be in a worse place, financially. So, I could drop the rope and tell them to take their car and shove it... but I haven't reached that point yet. My mom certainly wishes I would though. Anyway, this is all to say, that his parents are leaving on Sunday, for a month, and because of this whole car issue, stbx wanted to get it all done on Friday. So, no wedding on Saturday, and apparently he thinks a month is too long to wait. In some ways I agree, because as I mentioned in another thread recently, "my" lawyer told me to jump on it if he agreed to the parenting plan. He's agreeing. I'm afraid that given a month it will dawn on stbx that he doesn't want to agree to all of this stuff. Granted, he can change his mind, but we've agreed, in the parenting plan, to use mediation before anything else, and that all fees would be split by percentage of income. His percentage is something like 80%. It's so hard to give the whole story, and honestly it seems ludicrous that much of this time-frame stuff has to do with a car, although there are the mysterious reasons for why July is too late.... anyway. Oh, so anyway, stbx is "agreeing" to hold onto the bill of sale until Tuesday, for his parents. How very generous.
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Old 06-05-2008, 04:37 AM
 
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I agree- something is seriously worng. My internal instincts are going haywire! This doesn't feel, look or sound right. While I don't have the advice you need- I don't think this is a good situation.... there is something missing.

Married to Michael and Mother of Jake 9, Jillianne 7, Jensen 5, Jacen 4. I've got severe osteoporosis, a fractured hip and chronic pain-so please be patient with me! Pagan,Crocheter,Reader,Homeschooler- that's me in a nutshell.

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Old 06-05-2008, 04:54 AM
 
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It's so hard to give the whole story, and honestly it seems ludicrous that much of this time-frame stuff has to do with a car, although there are the mysterious reasons for why July is too late.... anyway. Oh, so anyway, stbx is "agreeing" to hold onto the bill of sale until Tuesday, for his parents. How very generous.
Ludicrous is not the word. This is a divorce decree you're talking about, something that will control, to a significant degree, the next 16 years of your life and your children's lives. The car should have nothing to do with it. Yes, I know cars are important there. There are other ones. You have parents who will help you. Forget the car. A divorce you're comfortable with is far more important. Don't let anybody rush you. Like I said, he can play it your way, or he can go to court and wait another year or so for a decree. He doesn't want that.

Also...the whole thing looks bizarre, Em. They're dangling a car in front of you and promising to give it if you sign here? Wha? These are people who've treated you horribly, called you an unfit mother, are throwing you out of the house -- why do you believe any promises they make? I don't believe they're going to sign over anything.
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Old 06-05-2008, 09:02 AM
 
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I am in total agreement with Mama41. YOU need to take control of this situation and not let anyone rush you into signing something that you are not ready for. Talk to your parents. Fully explain the situation with the car and if they are available to help you out with transportation if something falls through with the car. I absolutely would not let anyone rush me into signing something just because there is a car at stake here. They are trying to control and manipulate you, and well, succeeding at this point... but you have the power to change this. Do you realize how much power you have at this moment? Think about that before you go rushing to sign papers by Tuesday. You deserve the time you need to process this before signing papers.

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Old 06-05-2008, 12:04 PM
 
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Mama41 is so right on. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE listen to her advice.

You are being abused. Pure and simple. (why do you think you melted down when the daycare provider said such nice things about you? your self-esteem must be in the toilet!).

You are an AMAZING mamma. You ARE.

You are an AMAZING woman. You ARE.

Something with your STBX is not right. IT'S NOT.

I don't know if you meditate, or do yoga, but sit and reconnect with yourself. Your innate wisdom will guide you to the best outcome for your situation.
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Old 06-05-2008, 12:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ok, I'm so confused at this point... yes, I do see how this is abusive, but I guess I'm wondering why it would be terrible to file a parenting plan that I essentially drafted with no input from stbx, that he agreed to, and that a lawyer told me to jump on if he agreed to sign it? This is about how I'm feeling now : Yes I would like more time to process, but is it worth losing some of the stuff in my parenting plan? Because the fact is, stbx IS manipulative, and that's not going to change with time.... and he's already told me that if I drag this out he won't allow dd1 to homeschool, give me the alimony he's voluntarily agreeing to so that I don't *have* to work full-time so that I can homeschool her and not have to put our 18 mo. old dd2 in daycare full time, and most importantly, that he would pursue more custody. According to the hourly calculation, he has them now about 21% of the time.... even this hurts, and if he went for more, just out of spite, or whatever, I do think I'd be kicking myself for not jumping on the agreement like the lawyer advised me to... BUT I'm getting some of this out here for you mamas, because I do realize I must be in a bad way, and I'd love to hear more about why I should risk some of these things........ it's really hard to figure out right now; thank you for all the support and advice!
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Old 06-05-2008, 01:19 PM
 
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Emily, I understand you're speaking from desperation and a genuine belief that you cannot control this situation.

However, a man who promises something, and then threatens to take it away if you don't comply with something as major as divorcing on his hurry-up schedule, is not serious about keeping his word to you about anything in his agreement. He has agreed to everything because he desperately wants the divorce NOW, for whatever reason, not because he actually wants or means to give you any of what he's promising to. As soon as that thing is filed, he's going to forget it. Because a piece of paper is one thing; enforcement is another, and he knows that you don't have the money or time to drag him into court over and over and over again. (How much you want to bet that in under a year he's taking you to court, and claiming you threatened and coerced him into signing the current agreement?) I have to tell you, in all the divorce stories I've heard, I've never heard anything as crazy as "I have to be divorced by Friday." (Or Tuesday, or whatever.) The world does not work this way.

I would slow the hell down here, and do this thing right. Certainly don't rush for a car. If you feel pushed -- and, if what you say is accurate, you're being shoved -- step aside, and politely tell him that you will do this in your own reasonable time. And really, I know your options are limited there, but the whole situation cries out for a lawyer. Because someone should be looking out for you right now.

You may want to talk to your lawyer about how you can actually enforce anything he signs. It sounds like your mom is being sensible about this, btw -- lean on her.
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Old 06-05-2008, 01:22 PM
 
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Originally Posted by emilyrose View Post
He's already told me that if I drag this out he won't allow dd1 to homeschool, give me the alimony he's voluntarily agreeing to so that I don't *have* to work full-time so that I can homeschool her and not have to put our 18 mo. old dd2 in daycare full time, and most importantly, that he would pursue more custody.
Hon, he has no intention of giving you money so you can homeschool. He doesn't care about homeschooling. He cares about himself. He knows you care about homeschooling. If he cared about homeschooling, he wouldn't use it as a stick to threaten you with.

Also, he doesn't want more custody. If he did, he'd have it right now.

He's bluffing you in an unbelievable way. Stay calm in yourself, understand that you are, whatever happens, the mama, and that you have the ability to make things turn out reasonably. Whatever he threatens, your answer is: You can work with me on this, or we can go through the courts, and it'll be another year and a half and several thousand dollars before we're divorced.
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Old 06-05-2008, 03:23 PM
 
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My other wonder (after I posted earlier) was whether or not you have all of your "negotiations" on the parenting plan recorded somewhere? Either on the phone or via email? Because as Mama41 points out, he's using the things you care about as a stick to get what he wants. And if you've only talked to him, and gotten his verbal, yes, I'll agree to the plan you sent over, but don't have that recorded, he most likely WILL take you to court, and you'll be crying 'but we were going to do everything by mediation! You agreed to all of this on the phone!'

If your lawyer says you should take the agreement and run, see if you can't type up a summary of your negotiations so you can show that he didn't sign the thing under duress (like he comes back and says you demanded the car and thus the speeded up schedule because his parents were going out of town).

And wherever his parents are doing? do they not have access to a fax machine? or a FedEx/DHL/UPS overnight service to send the bill of sale to you?
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Old 06-05-2008, 03:45 PM
 
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another note, take a copy of your agreement with you when you go to sign. Look over all the pages to make sure they start and end at the same places as your copy, then, sit down and read the entire agreement before signing it.

I would go ask an attorney to review it. I would specifically ask how easy it would be to have the portions you want deactivated in court if your ex decides he wants to not play nice later on.

I wonder if he is about to come into some money and doesn't want to give half of it to you.
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Old 06-05-2008, 05:09 PM
 
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another note, take a copy of your agreement with you when you go to sign. Look over all the pages to make sure they start and end at the same places as your copy, then, sit down and read the entire agreement before signing it.

I would go ask an attorney to review it. I would specifically ask how easy it would be to have the portions you want deactivated in court if your ex decides he wants to not play nice later on.

I wonder if he is about to come into some money and doesn't want to give half of it to you.
Yes, I had the same thoughts.

Emily, no normal person deals with divorce this way. We all go into it understanding that this is a long and harrowing process, and that it's done when it's done -- either when *both parties* are comfortable signing or when the clerk of courts sets your trial date and the lawyers and judge actually show up for it. Frankly, I'm beginning to wonder if your guy is mentally ill, and whether you should be looking for a psych eval.

Whatever is happening, though, never, ever sign a piece of paper when you have "gee, this is really weird, but I'm getting the things I want" feelings. That's a surefire way to end up in deep trouble.

momof4peppers is right, too. I'd thought he'd already signed. If not, then I know it sucks to hear, but you have no agreement. All you have is the word of a man who's unreliable and manipulative. Don't kid yourself about what that's worth.

It sounds to me like you've really let him lead for the last few years, and in a way that's giving, but in a way it's also a really easy thing to do. This process -- this divorce process -- is your chance to protect and stand up for yourself and your daughters. It's the biggest chance you'll get. You need to do this from a position of strength, not like a rabbit being chased into what you think is a safe corner. People don't chase rabbits into safe corners; they chase them into traps, or chase them out and slam the door shut. You really need to stand up now, with all the weight and power that you really have, and be the savvy, bearish mama.

If your stbx genuinely wants to do alimony, homeschooling, primary custody, a car, and all the rest, this month or three months from now won't make a difference. If he doesn't want to do them, then it doesn't matter what you sign or when; you'll be right back in court. You have no reason to rush. And I bet you he's freaking out at you like this because he knows perfectly well that you have no reason, and don't have to rush, so his only chance is to scare you.

In Step 2, btw, he threatens you with trying to take away all custody of the girls by having you evaluated as crazy. Don't pay any attention to that one either. I would however document all of his flipflopping around, and if you have an agreement that the two of you have worked up, I would keep it. It's going to be very hard for him to show that he thinks you're dangerous when he was willing to hand over custody to you a few months before, and in fact decreased his visitation voluntarily. You'll know he's really desperate when he tells you he's only going to work under the table so you'll never see a dime of child support. Again, pay no attention. Ulysses, mast.
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Old 06-05-2008, 05:12 PM
 
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When XH and I divorced, I had a lawyer and he did not. I definitely wanted to avoid going to court. If you aren't 100% confidant in the papers that are being turned in, then I would take the final documents to the lawyer you spoke with and pay for the lawyer to review them. If the docs are good, it shouldn't take that long for the lawyer to check them over. You might only have to pay for a few hours of time.

Getting a lawyer does not have to mean things get adversarial. If XH had hired a lawyer, I definitely would have hired one as well, but that is just because I wanted to be sure I didn't miss some nuance in the paperwork.

Mom to Kira March 2009
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Old 06-05-2008, 06:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Also, he doesn't want more custody. If he did, he'd have it right now.

He's bluffing you in an unbelievable way.
I've read so many posts in this forum about sbtxs pursuing and winning more custody than they actually want, simply because they want to get at the woman, pay less in c/s, or both...... so I guess I'm not clear on why it would be good to risk this. I do understand that he can come after it later, after the divorce, but it's my understanding, from the lawyer I spoke with, that anything that is brought to court in the first year is considered to be a waste of the judge's time (unless it's something "serious"). It is also my understanding that while custody is never secure, that setting a precedent is important, and that judge's are reluctant to mess with the status quo unless someone (stbx) can prove that the current situation is not working for the dds. I'm not sure how he'd be able to prove this (except by lying).

I will require him to sign a copy of our parenting plan... and momof4peppers, I'm not clear. How would a typed up summary of our negotiations help me "prove" that he didn't agree under duress?

I do have three pages of documentation of everything he and his parents have threatened, but I'm wondering about this also... I have written the date next to each item, but how can I really use this as proof if I need to? Presumably someone could just make a bunch of stuff up.
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