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#1 of 9 Old 06-13-2008, 02:31 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Is there really any reason for overnights when the other parent lives down the block? Especially if he has never been a part of their bed time routine (usually waits until after they are asleep). he doesn't really spend any time with them when he gets up either. So it is not like they have any special routines or anything or special memories surround night times or mornings. I just feel it is important for children to have one home and one bed and not be a guest in someones home 2-3 nights every other week. I also really worry about him having a male room mate. my oldest is going through puberty and I know I was mortified to stay overnight at my dads when I might get my period. how much worse if he has some guy living with them!!! not to mention the potential for molestation. I would never let my children spend the night in a house with a man i didn't know if they were more than an arms reach from me. Also i don't want them to spend the rest of their lives packing and unpacking.

they do have fun in the day time and he is a good dad when he puts in some effort. I would be happy to give extra days if he would be willing to give up sleep overs on a regular basis (I don't mind an occasional slumber party or camping trip or something). I honestly wouldn't mind if he saw them for a little while every day (thats more than he sees them now) rather than just a couple days every other weekend. I really don't want to take him away from them. I swear.

does that mess with kids? living in another home 2-3 days every other week? Which sounds like a more reasonable set up to you?

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#2 of 9 Old 06-13-2008, 03:02 AM
 
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If he lives right down the street, then the sleep-overs should be only if everyone is really happy about it. If he wants to spend time and you are willing to let him see them during the day, then that seems perfectly reasonable. Maybe you can work out a after-school dinner X times a week schedule or he can bring them to school, if applicable, etc. Since he lives so close, he can probably just pick them up early if he wants a whole day with them and drop them off for bedtime. Maybe you might even be comfortable with him coming in and tucking them in (I don't know your relationship with him) if it is something he truly cares about.

I had some friends back in high school who were doing 50-50 custody with both parents and they definitely had some issues about it, about feeling at home and about consistency.

Oh, and the roommate would be an issue for me. I would want to get to know him and be REALLY sure your kids are comfortable and everything is alright. The roommates always seem to be the ones offering alcohol to teenagers and other stuff like that.

Single mom to E (2004) and D (2010)
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#3 of 9 Old 06-13-2008, 03:08 AM
 
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I hope your ex is amicable, if he's nice, maybe you could explain to him that you want to postpone overnights til he doesn't have a roommate, could he come spend the night at your place? Maybe stay til the children are asleep then go home even.
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#4 of 9 Old 06-13-2008, 03:22 AM
 
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I hope your ex is amicable, if he's nice, maybe you could explain to him that you want to postpone overnights til he doesn't have a roommate, could he come spend the night at your place? Maybe stay til the children are asleep then go home even.
That sounds like a good idea. Have you asked the kids what they'd like to do?
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#5 of 9 Old 06-13-2008, 01:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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right now he lives on the couch.

my children are tense but I haven't told them about the divorce yet. they know though. thats one of the reasons I am moving forward. I know divorce is going to hurt them but this weird in between place is just messing with their heads and freaking them out.

he keeps threatening that I will ruin the children the lives, and he will be sure they know it is my fault and he wanted to work on the marriage (he had an affair with another woman. I took him back twice. he still acknowledges he loves her more than he ever has or ever will love me. yeah. my fault). I don't think he is going to be amicable about anything. he thinks I am a horrible mother and has considered calling social services on me (because the house was never clean enough because I was struggeling with depression because of the way he treated me. hell, he lived here. it never occured to him he would be calling social services on himself. its our house. they would remove the kids from us. not from me. ). but living like this is not good for anyone. and things get worse every day.

So anyway. . . . . We are not even bound by the confines of school because as of now I homeschool. they really could go see him any ole time. Keeping things to a few hours here and there frequently they would hardly notice he moved out. He already has his own house (bought it a couple days before telling me about the affair. ) and they are comfortable over there. its not too far (too far for them to ride their bike but they could easily hop on the bus or we could shuffle. its in a handy spot) or he may move in with his parents which is walking distance. we also own a duplex but i really don't want him living next door. I also think that would be confusing for the kids. if he does live next door we will probably move but I don't forsee us moing out of this neighborhood. I really like this neighborhood and it is one of the cheapest areas in town.

despite what a jerk he has been and as much as I want to keep the girls away from him am I desperate to do what is best for the gils. and if that means pastinga smile on my face and acting like we are old friendsand everything is working out and making sure they get to call him every day and see him 4 or 5 tims a week for a couple hours at a time (whih is far far more time than he has ever spent with them. he watched themwhile i worked but only because I was bringing him money. if there is no financial incintive I don't know if he would be as likely to make time for them) I can do that. and i will. I just really worry about them having overnights when their beds are right here. I just don't see any reason for it. : did i mention how much I hated sleeping over at my dads?

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#6 of 9 Old 06-13-2008, 02:32 PM
 
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I've posted here several times about a man I dated long before I was married.

He had 2 children and lived about 10 houses away from his kids. They probably spent 95% of their nights at their moms and used dad's as a back up (if mom was busy) or for fun weekends! The kids were very content and could access both parents easily.

We spent many evenings going over so their dad could help them with homework, have a tea before bed or just hang out. They also spent some after school time just hanging out with us.

It worked very well for the kids and both parents were very involved and felt they had enough time with and without the kids.
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#7 of 9 Old 06-13-2008, 05:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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hats exactly the sort of thing I am hoping for.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#8 of 9 Old 06-13-2008, 07:47 PM
 
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hats exactly the sort of thing I am hoping for.
Then I'm hoping you and your family can find a way to make that happen. It really was one of the most healthy co-parenting/separate household family situations I've ever seen. It really helps that everyone was open and comfortable with one another being in their homes and being able to be flexible with time.
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#9 of 9 Old 06-13-2008, 08:33 PM
 
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I hope you guys can work out a situation like the one described above. It really sounds ideal.
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