Spinoff - Psychology, what are your green flags? How to pick a winner! - Mothering Forums

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Old 06-17-2008, 04:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ok, so the post about all the red flags had me thinking. What do you look for when choosing a partner who is perfect for you? After coming from abusive pasts, like many of us have - finding the good parts of a relationship can be even harder than spotting the bad.

I remember about six months after dating my now partner, we got into an argument about something. I stated why I was upset and expected him to go into defensive mode and start insulting me. Instead, he said, "I completely understand why you would be upset and I'm sorry." I was so shocked because nobody had ever treated me so respectfully, that all I could do was hug him and cry! We've been together about a year now, and we are still able to talk about everything, he's my best friend - the person I go to first with anything on my mind - and vice versa. We feel like PARTNERS in the world. I think the key word is partners. Like two halfs.

So other than that, my list:

- He has a good job, money, and is in school furthering his technical skills

-Very involved in his children's lives if he has them. (for instance, dp is the custodial parent of his two son's. I'm talking things like never missing a soccer game, coaching little league, attending birthday parties, school conferances, having them weekly, checking report cards. No disneyland dads. Also, wants a family (since we are all single moms here)

-Doesn't care if you do things without him. Encourages you to do things you're interested in and spend time with your friends.

-Has good communication skills. Is able to articulate feelings, explain his needs coherently, and say sorry when he did wrong. And expects the same from you.

-Loves animals.

-Your family likes him.

-Helps out around the house. Fixes things without you asking.

- And most importantly, loves you and cherishes you. Tells you that you are beautiful even when you have to go out and buy fat shorts from Old Navy.

-If you have health issues, doesn't down play them.
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Old 06-17-2008, 04:23 PM
 
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My list was so specific, because I went way beyond just wanting a "good" man; I wanted a very specific good man. These are some of the things I couldn't bend on, my individual deal breakers beyond the "good" guy qualifications:

• not a sports fan
• a lover of book and frequent reader
• environmentally and socially conscious
• good relationship with parents
• a desire to have more children
• doesn't overvalue money/materials possessions
• already has a strong foundation in place of natural living, gentle parenting, etc
• highly intelligent

Aside from having many green flags, which were essentially just the opposites of all of the red flags in the other thread, DP has all of the above qualities and many more.
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Old 06-17-2008, 09:48 PM
 
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* He knows who he is and what he values
* He lives by his values
* He has good friends
* He has close, active relationships with his family
* He is loving & kind
* He is accountable
* He is open-minded
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Old 06-18-2008, 03:40 AM
 
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I want a man that can't work a damn computer! And has no idea what a chat room is or myspace.... LOL Sorry..... but thats kinda what I would like.

Also a man that loves children.

Thats in addition to all things listed above for other mamas!

I could go on but I am so tired.

~Carla~ LOVING~ LIFE~
Homebirthing, somewhat crunchy, single mom of ~5~.
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Old 06-19-2008, 10:56 AM
 
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Has a healthy, communicative relationship with his family of origin, within parameters that serve everyone at least somewhat.

Or no relationship at all, if they're toxic/mean/racist/stupid/whatever.
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Old 06-20-2008, 12:15 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MsChatsAlot View Post
* He knows who he is and what he values
* He lives by his values
* He has good friends
* He has close, active relationships with his family
* He is loving & kind
* He is accountable
* He is open-minded

Bingo!
Summed up very well
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Old 06-20-2008, 12:21 AM
 
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My most recent relationship... He has a lot of really GREAT qualities, but the bad ones are just not tolerable sometimes.

I'm still trying to figure it all out, but GREAT thread!
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Old 06-24-2008, 12:31 AM
 
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i read something today that said something like this: if you had a son with him, you'd be proud if the boy grew up to be just like his dad.
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Old 06-24-2008, 05:18 PM
 
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He has healthy relationships with his family and keeps healthy boundaries with friends, family.

He won't tell you things that people tell him in confidence.

He is respectful to women, minorities, disabled, small animals, people who have less than he does.. My big green flag is someone who is accepting of other people's body sizes and won't comment on a person's size.

A guy who can open the door for little old ladies (big red flag for me how many able bodied men even though I am 8 months pregnant expect ME to hold the door for them..)

He has good manners. Manners for me are about respecting others feelings, don't get yourself a drink without asking others if you can get them one..don't chew with your mouth open its gross to others....

A man who is the same behind the wheel as in person. Men who swear on the road, cut people off but are meek in person drive me nuts.

A man who attempts to understand how you are feeling.

A man who can think about doing things that might be hard for you (like hang a picture 6 feet up, paint a room) without that painting being on the floor for 5 months first...

A man who can bring home the bacon and cook it...even if he can't cook will order a pizza, try to make a meal. A man who thinks that cleaning up is couple time...that's so sexy a man who rolls up his sleeves and does dishes...oh baby

A man who is all there when he's there with you. (can ignore a cell phone call) looks you in the eyes when you speak..

8 might be enough
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Old 06-24-2008, 07:20 PM
 
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A man who has a healthy positive attitude about money and work.

A man who likes himself and enjoys who he is.

A man who wants to improve the world and himself.

A man who is fun and energetic.

A man who is romantic and solid.

Take the time to heal from your marriage before you move on with someone else. Make a list of all the qualities you would like in a new partner and then work on growing that way yourself. ~mandib50
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Old 06-25-2008, 08:16 AM
 
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i too have been shocked by green flags because you spend so much time seeing red ones.

i love how my bf is completely free with his affections. with reasonable pda. holding hands. the occasional kiss out of nowhere no matter where. he speaks vulnerably and hugs his mom. the way he picks up and hugs his cat. how he finds hugging my kids effortless. esspecially when thier own dad has a hard time showing them affection.

and yet he is no pushover. he wont let people disrespect him but wont blow up at them either.

he empathizes too. and wants me to come to him with my problems. he wants to be aware of any issues that are bothering me. like a previous poster said...partners... a wonderful way to describe it.

Mother to Sandrel(oct 2003) and Liesl(mar 2006) and someone new coming February 2013

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Old 06-25-2008, 11:38 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by poxybat View Post

he empathizes too. and wants me to come to him with my problems. he wants to be aware of any issues that are bothering me.
My friend was telling me her new guy is like this too, and I was amazed.

Take the time to heal from your marriage before you move on with someone else. Make a list of all the qualities you would like in a new partner and then work on growing that way yourself. ~mandib50
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