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#1 of 14 Old 06-19-2008, 02:16 AM - Thread Starter
 
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So it came out today that stbx actually thinks he's the one being wronged... he put on this whole "victim" attitude, and I'm kind of reeling right now. He found the "tone" of an email from me "offensive" because I was "acting like I'm in the drivers seat and in control." He also said I've been awful ever since he left and that I've said things that have "labeled" him and that he has never "labeled" me (try vindictive, or b!tch for starters...). I did tell him he had no conscience (after he stole my car - see old post), and I did tell him he didn't respect women, which strangely enough is a quote from him, as he admitted it last summer during a couples' counseling session. I am wondering about this "labeling" thing... it seems a little like grasping at straws. Not to say that it was necessarily appropriate for me to say the things I did, but man! He's threatened me up and down, and came in the night and took my vehicle away, refused to sign daycare forms, told me he'd rip me apart in a courtroom, told me I'd be in for a landslide and that I'd be evicted.... the list goes on, and I guess I'm posting about this because I'm just sitting here thinking "labeling"? Huh? And HE asked me for an apology about the comment about respecting women, though he thinks it has been "necessary" to treat me the way he has, because "I'm dragging my feet."

I guess this is more of a head-clearing post than anything else (no updates yet, but I will soon), so for any of you that made it through, thanks. I'm feeling a bit like this: : and I'm wondering if stbx and I live in separate realities....
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#2 of 14 Old 06-19-2008, 02:38 AM
 
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just want to give you cyber hugs and also ask you if his name is tom. he sounds so much like my ex. totally projected his stuff onto me making it out to be MY stuff when in reality it was HIS stuff. talk about crazy making... man i'm glad to be free of him... don't let the crazy making make you crazy. stay strong mama. stay centered. that's how he wants you...head spinning...thinking its YOU not HIM. i mean of course it takes 2 to tango or to tango poorly...but he is obviously putting it on you trying to escape his stuff...
baby is up..gotta go
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#3 of 14 Old 06-19-2008, 03:20 AM
 
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and I'm wondering if stbx and I live in separate realities....
No, your living in reality, and he is living somewhere totally entirely different. My ex did something like this. To this day I'm not sure if he is a psychopath, or just a really twisted person.

You can't make sense to somebody who doesn't live in reality. I got really good an deflecting situations by saying the same thing all the time. When my ex wanted to start a fight over something regarding dd I would say "Hmmm, that's something to think about". When he said I was being a b1tch I would say "I'm sorry you feel that way".

You can't involve yourself in the circle they try to catch you in, cause then you do walk away wondering if your crazy cause the conversation you just had was so messed up.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Take care of yourself.

-Janna, independent mother of dd, Ms. Mattie Sky born on my 25th birthday, 06*23*2000. My Mama Feb.21,1938-Sept.10,2006
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#4 of 14 Old 06-19-2008, 03:53 AM
 
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You can't make sense to somebody who doesn't live in reality.
That. Head-clearing is good. Sometimes you have to do it repeatedly.

Sometime -- I have a feeling it'll be soon -- you'll see it's safe to drop the baggage, and you will. And then when he talks like this you'll be vaguely insulted but overall you'll just go "oh my God, what a fruitcake" and go do something good for yourself.

Someday, too, he'll find another distraction. Someone else will be the one who's mean to him and treating him bad. If only there were a way of harnessing assaultive self-pity as a means of energy production...why, that'd be black gold he's sitting on, sister. And all of it assessable for child support.
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#5 of 14 Old 06-19-2008, 05:01 AM
 
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That. Head-clearing is good. Sometimes you have to do it repeatedly.

Sometime -- I have a feeling it'll be soon -- you'll see it's safe to drop the baggage, and you will. And then when he talks like this you'll be vaguely insulted but overall you'll just go "oh my God, what a fruitcake" and go do something good for yourself.

Someday, too, he'll find another distraction. Someone else will be the one who's mean to him and treating him bad. If only there were a way of harnessing assaultive self-pity as a means of energy production...why, that'd be black gold he's sitting on, sister. And all of it assessable for child support.

This is so true!!

My X is constantly rewriting history. Now he is telling me how abusive I was to him, and just completely making up things that did not happen. It's actually not bothering me like it used to. I just feel like he must feel really crappy about himself if he has to make up such elaborate lies to justify what he has done.

Single mama to Alex(13), Maddy(12), Sam(8), Violet(6), and Ruby(3). fly-by-nursing1.gif
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#6 of 14 Old 06-19-2008, 01:48 PM
 
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I went through this kind of drama with STBX for a while after he moved out. It finally dawned on me that this. stuff. does. not. matter. anymore.

I told him that there was no "us" husband/wife romantic relationship anymore. Period. Old fights are ancient history, and there's no current relationship, so there's NOTHING to discuss or argue about in this arena. None. Doesn't matter what how we think of each other in that way.

Areas for discussion are the kids, legal stuff, logistical stuff, and light chitchat. That's it. I'm getting better & better about not being baited into an argument or starting one.

It's been enormously freeing. So sorry - it sucks.
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#7 of 14 Old 06-19-2008, 01:59 PM
 
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He sees your strength and power and he is scared. Hang tough and keep working on yourself.
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#8 of 14 Old 06-19-2008, 02:16 PM
 
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A big fat yeah that to the pp's! Like any new habit, disengaging takes practice and becomes easier over time. Having stock phrases like trinity6232000 is a great way to go. I've busted out, "I'm not going to discuss this, goodbye." on several occasions when he's tried to dredge up old arguments or interrupt me to tell me that I've always been bad at communication . Yeah, what a fruitcake, indeed!
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#9 of 14 Old 06-19-2008, 05:16 PM
 
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You see, this. This is just one more reason why I'm not inclined to tangle with men again anytime soon. The macho business where in a falling-out, a guy has to establish that that you're the one who screwed up, that he's got a 14" gold dick, that you'll be sorry, that he's the world champion. I mean that's all this "you abused me, you wronged me" stuff is about unless he came home and found you with another man in his bed.

I don't think any of these guys genuinely believe this crap; all they're hoping is that other people will take it seriously so they can score some free points. What's the word? Triflin'. Treat it like the two-day-in-the-rain advertising circular it is.
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#10 of 14 Old 06-19-2008, 05:51 PM
 
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I went through this kind of drama with STBX for a while after he moved out. It finally dawned on me that this. stuff. does. not. matter. anymore.

I told him that there was no "us" husband/wife romantic relationship anymore. Period. Old fights are ancient history, and there's no current relationship, so there's NOTHING to discuss or argue about in this arena. None. Doesn't matter what how we think of each other in that way.

Areas for discussion are the kids, legal stuff, logistical stuff, and light chitchat. That's it. I'm getting better & better about not being baited into an argument or starting one.

It's been enormously freeing. So sorry - it sucks.
YEP! You can't reason with crazy people, that's what I say over and over.

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#11 of 14 Old 06-19-2008, 06:13 PM
 
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He sees your strength and power and he is scared. Hang tough and keep working on yourself.
This is so true.

When he can no longer use the truth to support how he feels and why, he has to turn it on to someone...and that someone, right now is you.

I too, have let my ex spout off stuff & I just stood there while he ranted and thought, "Wow, this guy must be really in bad shape if he has to invent these stories in his mind to feel better."

Lots of people do this...projecting themselves onto another because, quite simply, it's easier than actually dealing with your own crap and looking at reality.
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#12 of 14 Old 06-19-2008, 11:11 PM
 
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Much love to you mama. I'm working on disengaging as well, it is easier said than done, but helps a ton, and works. He wants you to react. Just be silent. You can nod your head or say "mmhmm" if you feel like you must respond in some way.

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#13 of 14 Old 06-19-2008, 11:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks mamas. Yes, I am still biting, and it's so hard not to sometimes, but I am actually getting better and better at it. It helps to know that others struggle with it too.

I found out a very bizarre thing tonight (well, I'd heard it before, but it's now been confirmed three times); stbx is not in contact with anyone outside of his coworkers. He used to get together once a week with some guy friends, but since most of them are married to women who are my (or my mom's) friends, I guess he's just bailed entirely.... and the weird part of this is that all of these guy friends have called and left messages for him about getting together, and he hasn't returned any of the calls. Which got me thinking that when I met him he had just moved from another town, and he got about 4 calls from old friends there, and then just ended all contact. I think there is only one friend that he maintains, long distance. Anyway, all of this may work when you move away, but when you live in the same, very small town? Yikes.
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#14 of 14 Old 06-20-2008, 09:38 AM
 
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PM me if you want to "talk." This is all very familiar.

Take the time to heal from your marriage before you move on with someone else. Make a list of all the qualities you would like in a new partner and then work on growing that way yourself. ~mandib50
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