Seperated/divorced and later, got back together? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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Old 06-30-2008, 05:06 AM - Thread Starter
 
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so many lives and experiences. it´s big, incredible.

yes i guess there always is a reason or many, for spliting up. of course.

he´s been back for 2 weeks. but i´m leaving anyway. that´s the thing. i´m going back home this friday and probably wont see him for about a year, or until he pays his debts and gets a plane ticket to go see his son. it´ll be hard, very, but i think it´s a good moment for all of us laong the road cuz we will be able to get up by ourselves, with only our force, the individual force. then we can see what happens.

ooohhhh ihave to think a bit about this today.
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Old 07-01-2008, 02:01 AM
 
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Well, we're not back together, but we are going back to counseling to try to work on things.

My backstory in a nutshell is that about 14 months ago, out of nowhere, H told me that he wasn't sure he wanted to be married anymore, didn't know what he wanted out of life, blah blah blah. I found out later that he was involved in an emotional affair with a coworker who had spurred a lot of this on. We went through several months of him flip-flopping between "I think we should get a divorce" and "I don't know what I want." He officially moved out in November. We started mediation for the divorce in January, but it stalled out after 2 appointments (H just didn't make a move toward scheduling another appt). I was in a comfortable position financially and have kind of enjoyed getting to know myself and who I have become over the past year, so I was in no hurry to move things along. Kind of out of the blue about 3 weeks ago, H said he wanted to talk. I thought things could go one of two ways...either he was telling me that he was moving in with the GF and wanted to file the paperwork, or the way they actually did go. Where he told me that he wants to try and work on our marriage. I'm not holding out huge high hopes, I'm entering into this with a healthy level of skepticism, but am very very cautiously optimistic.

I certainly don't think that people should stay in a marriage for the kids' sake. That's a recipe for disaster and a lot of miserable people. That said, I *DO* believe that (barring many cases of abuse and other situations, obviously) we owe it to our children to say that we made every possible effort to make things work. Just saying this isn't what I want anymore and giving up doesn't cut it for me. If we go through counseling and things don't end up working out (which is definitely a strong possibility), at least I can say with a clear conscience that we gave it everything we had. I think that's the thing that has bothered me the most about H's cop out thus far; that he, up until now, hasn't been willing to make any kind of real effort to work on things.

I truly feel that at this point, we most likely have one of two possible outcomes. #1, we are able to work things out and end up having a much stronger and healthier marriage than we ever did. Or #2, we come out of counseling knowing that we just aren't meant to be together, but that we did our best to give it a try, and having the ability to have a better relationship in the future than we do now (which I believe is SO important for being good coparents and raising a healthy, and happy child). I don't really have any strong feelings one way or the other towards H at this moment, but we loved each other once, and if it's meant to be, we'll find that love again.

Gaye, single mama to Tyler (5/06) and Baxter the labradoodle
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Old 07-01-2008, 04:12 AM
 
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I got back together with DD's dad about a year after we initially split. It was a big mistake. We split up again less than a year later. I wouldn't do it again.
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Old 07-01-2008, 06:34 PM
 
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tjsmama, your situation sounds a lot like mine ... except 9 months into the separation, my husband got laid off and I am no longer feeling very financially secure. He is a compulsive spender and I fear that between that, the job loss and maintaining two households, we'll quickly start eating into assets that I'm not willing to lose. It's further complicated by the fact that he lost his job due to performance issues and a terrible attitude (3rd time in his career that has happened to him) and I am enraged that he would allow that to happen when he has a small child.

Sigh. It's all very hard. Best of luck to you!
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Old 07-01-2008, 08:35 PM
 
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dh and i married when i was 21, he was 28. we lasted 2 yrs into that marriage before we got divorced. we were completely apart for 5 yrs, didn't see each other at all. then reunited, had ds, remarried and had dd. we've been back together 8 yrs this time. last fall we separated, he moved out. he moved back in this spring, and it has been a rocky rocky road despite couples therapy.

to sum up our ongoing situation, we love each other deeply, have a very strong attachment, both want to give our kids a strong family, but the dynamics between he and i make us both miserable. he's a wonderful man and has also made lots of changes, started his own therapy, i'm in mine, we've been in couples therapy, and so on and so on...but still, i think we're both happier out of this relationship. and sadly the kids have expressed that things were better when we were apart; less conflict, more attention for the kids, and happier parents.

so, in the long run i don't know what will happen, but i can't say it has worked for us. the dynamics that are difficult now were the same ones 14 years ago, even after all the change and growth we've both been through. the tricky thing now is we have the kids, and want to do the right thing for them, otherwise it would be very clear to me that we should separate again.
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Old 09-03-2008, 11:15 AM - Thread Starter
 
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so many stories! thank you all for your responses.
i see it´s pretty hard...just like going back with an ex-boyfriend when you were 15 but with a little more age and children in the middle.
now that we´ve been apart and very far away for a few months, i can say that i don´t want to get bakc together. i do love him and want him in my son´s life (as long as he is in good shape) but never again as a partner.
thanks to all of you for telling your stories!
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Old 09-03-2008, 01:02 PM
 
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I wouldn't take my ex back now, even if he wanted to come back, which he doesn't. We've gone too far down this road of pain for me to feel like turning around and trying it again would be anything other than bad, bad, bad for me and my children.

My parents divorced and remarried and it was a disaster, all the way around. I have friends who are now getting divorced for the second time, and their kids are wounded and confused in a way that they weren't the first time. Just too much of a possibility for more pain there, I think.
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Old 09-03-2008, 02:06 PM
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My husband and I got divorced and remarried. We spent about a year divorced and didn't see each other or speak for 8 months of that year. We have been remarried for 6 years now. We didn't have children yet though when we divorced and remarried.
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Old 09-04-2008, 03:48 PM
 
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I've been separated for a year. After just three months, my ex started pursuing me again. I have been very cautious, unwilling to commit myself to anything. By now I've decided I don't want to get back together. Nothing has really changed in him- he just doesn't want to be lonely and broke. He is a lot more supportive than he used to be- but the old expectations creep back in, and when I have really depended on him to help, he has bailed on me and gone back to his own house. This gives me enough of an inkling of what would develop if I came back that I don't want to go there. I think a second divorce would be criminal, and I'm just not willing to risk doing that to the kids. I would have to be 100% sure that this was the absolute most right choice I could make for myself. He lives 2 miles away and has them three times a week, so they have their dad. And I'm amazed at how much more civil and cooperative we are with each other now that we don't live together. They do want us to get back together, but separation has been by far the healthier and happier life for the kids and both their parents.

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Old 09-06-2008, 12:51 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by singin'intherain View Post
separation has been by far the healthier and happier life for the kids and both their parents.
for us, too!
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Old 09-07-2008, 01:16 PM
 
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I did.
My XH and I got married in 2000 and our divorce was final- I don't even know when. Several years ago, anyway.
I had LTR and another child with someone else.
We've now been back together for almost a year.
It was MESSY. Contempt, restraining order, bla blah bla
So yeah, really messy, I-hate-you-just-die, the whole nine yards...

Monther of Riley (11), Andrew (4) and Victoria (7 months)
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Old 12-04-2008, 04:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Mandynee22 View Post
I did.
My XH and I got married in 2000 and our divorce was final- I don't even know when. Several years ago, anyway.
I had LTR and another child with someone else.
We've now been back together for almost a year.
It was MESSY. Contempt, restraining order, bla blah bla
So yeah, really messy, I-hate-you-just-die, the whole nine yards...
and now? how are you getting along? how do you put all of the past in the past?
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